


A Man's Magic

by duchess_black



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Angst, Bullying, Canon-Typical Violence, Family Feuds, First Love, Gillyweed, Growing Up, Homophobic Language, Just slight non-con, M/M, MWPP Era, Nice Peter, Original Character(s), Original Characters - Freeform, Sexual Content, Swearing, The Prank, Welsh!Remus, non-canon death, powerful Remus, rise of the death eaters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-22
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-03 05:58:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 165,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duchess_black/pseuds/duchess_black
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometime's attraction sneaks up on you. What do you do when that attraction is to your best friend and it changes everything you thought you knew about yourself? What do you do when it means you are what you don't actually want to be? Remus and Sirius have always been outsiders in one way or another and now it seems they're different in this way too. This is a story about how one boy copes with discovering his sexuality and how the other will deny it until he loses everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Of Bathwater and First Kisses

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so this might not be the most original story. We've seen Remus/Sirius a million times but I just wanted to do my own take on it.

 

CHAPTER ONE - Of Bath Water and First Kisses

 

The rain was so heavy Remus could barely see his house in the distance. Just one more field lay between him and the warm sanctuary of the Lupin house on this miserable summers evening but the cold in his bones and the whipping of the rain against his face made the journey torturously slow. As did the soft, muddy ground which tried to claim his boots with every squelching step he took.

'Not long now Pads,' he looked down to his companion. The black dog gave a whine in response, flashing him a wounded look. He really was a pathetic sight to behold; the once shaggy coat the dog usually possessed was now slicked against his frame giving him a much thinner appearance than usual. Remus knew how much Padfoot hated the rain; a hatred that was also contributing to their slow progress towards the cottage. Every hundred yards or so the dog would stop and try to shake the water from his body; doing so in vein every single time as the rain continued to lash down around them. Remus wasn't entirely surprised when his friend transformed back into the boy he was before they'd gotten any closer to home.

'This weathers shite!' Sirius grumbled as he pushed a hand through his hair to slick the much shorter than normal hair from his face, 'August my fucking arse! It's only half seven! Look at the state of it! Fucking Welsh summer time!'

All Remus could do was roll his eyes and concentrate on their arduous journey. Trust his friend to get so irrationally angry at something nobody could control.

'I cant wait until I turn seventeen! I'm going to apparate everywhere! Even if its just to the next room,' he continued hotly.

'You're not going to do that,' Remus tried to adopt his usual role as his friend's voice of reason as his teeth clattered and his whole body vibrated painfully with shivers, 'You'll get fat without the exercise and Padfoot won't be able to run as fast and then who'll keep up with me during the full moons?'

'Prongs'll probably trample you,' Sirius grumbled in his unique, grumpy way of admitting his friend was right, 'And Wormtail is close to fucking useless.'

'He can't help it if he's a rat,' Remus replied almost robotically; their friend's Animagus form often the subject of mockery or insult, 'And he's been really useful with the map and the Willow, you've said so plenty of times yourself.'

'You _always_ stick up for Peter.'

'Someone has to,' Remus turned to glance at his sodden friend as they continued to traipse through the mud, 'Especially when he's done nothing wrong.'

'Yeah... Well...' the other boy gruffly said before ending on no particular come back.

Tonight they'd been in the village close to Remus' home in the hope of going to see the Exorcist at the local theatre but had instead had to settle for Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo. They had been practically laughed at by the spotty teenager, who couldn't have been much older than themselves, had refused them when they had tried to buy their tickets at the kiosk. Sirius and the boy had exchanged a few heated words but the boy had won out in the end and had smugly bid them to enjoy the film as they'd walked away; unwanted tickets in hands.

'If I see that tosspot again i'm going to kick his ugly face in so much that all the photographs he's ever had taken become more handsome!'

Remus tried to quirk an eyebrow at his friend's surprising, if not twisted, Oscar Wilde reference but the rain had frozen his facial muscles and he only managed a strange twitch.

'That sodding film was rubbish! It was for bloody kids! I've never been so bored in my life!'

'I thought you might have at least enjoyed the cars.'

'Even they were shite! Volkswagens are shite! The whole film was just shite!'

'Perhaps they'll place that on the movie posters?' the werewolf replied dryly through chattering teeth, fed up with his friend's stormy mood.

'Come on,' he decided on doing something about it, 'We're nearly there. Let's make a run for it!'

And without waiting for a reply Remus set off the best he could across the soggy ground. It wasn't until Padfoot streaked past him, all wet fur and heavy panting, that he knew for sure Sirius was making a dash for it too.

-

'So what Aunt did you say was squeezing out this sprog?' Sirius called from the bathroom as Remus rummaged around in his chest of drawers looking for the trouser half of his pyjamas.

'My Aunt Bess!' he called over his shoulder, 'My mum's younger sister! It's her first time!'

'Ouch!' his friend called back and Remus could hear the frantic sloshing around of bathwater. What the hell was Sirius doing in there?

The boys had arrived back at the Lupin cottage to find it warm but deserted. The absence of Remus' parents had been explained when they'd entered the kitchen and found a note written to them in frantic handwriting informing them of the imminent arrival of his new little cousin and the fact that Remus' father had apparated his mother to Torquey so that she could be by her sister's side during her ordeal. His poor dad. Remus couldn't imagine being any place worse, if he was honest. He'd much rather be stuck out in the rain all night than be where his dad was.

'The bath's free,' the voice of his friend came from his bedroom door and Remus turned to see Sirius standing in nothing but a towel, with another being roughly rubbed against his hair, 'The water should still be pretty warm, dunno about clean though.'

'Well as long as your haven't wee'd or wanked in it, I'm sure it'll be fine,' Remus sighed wearily; knowing full well either could be a possibility when it came to his friend.

'As much as the accusation should hurt me, I have to confess it was a struggle to refrain myself from either. You know how much an Avocado bath suite excites me!'

-

The golden haired boy peered into the soapy water that lay in wait for him; nothing suspicious seemed to be floating in it and it still smelled of his mother's soap set. There was even some steam still curling from the surface and Remus smiled at the effectiveness of the charm his father had put on the tub last winter to keep it's contents as warm as when the bath was first drawn. A handy little bit of spell work designed to save the Lupins a bit of money.

His assessment complete, Remus began to peel his still sodden clothes from his skin and leapt quickly into the heat of the bathtub. It's affect was amazing; the chill of his skin melting away as he submerged himself into the soapy water. He lay back, closed his eyes and let the comforting sensation engulf him. It was a few minutes later before he opened them again and nearly jumped out of his skin.

'I found your dad's Firewhiskey,' Sirius announced, standing in the bathroom with two glasses in his hands and the towel still wrapped around his waist. He stepped forward and offered his friend one, 'Here, it should warm you up.'

Remus took the glass and watched his friend with uncertain eyes. Having Sirius in the room as he bathed wasn't completely alien to him; after all they'd taken plenty of showers in the locker rooms together at Hogwarts, but something about the setting of his own home unsettled him.

'S'fucking still freezing,' his friend shivered and fidgeted from foot to foot, 'I forgot how cold your house could be.'

'Oh haven't the house elves lit every fire in the house yet?' Remus replied dryly; knowing fine well that would be case if a single hair was to raise on Mrs Black's arm with a chill back at Grimmauld Place.

'They also failed to show up to scrub my back whilst I was in the bath,' Sirius shook his head in mock disapproval, 'You know you really ought to get new ones. In fact, I'm more than happy to lend Kreacher to you until you find appropriate replacements. In fact! Why don't you keep him!'

'Oh no! I couldn't deprive Grimmauld Place of his service,' the werewolf refused before shuddering, 'And he is certainly not getting near my naked body to scrub my back.'

'Afraid you might not be able to keep your hands off him?' Sirius quirked an eyebrow, 'Think of the scandal! I can see the Prophet headline already! "House Elf Impregnanted After Bathtime Passion with Werewolf!" Oh how society will reel at the news! Reel I tell you!'

'There are so many things wrong and frightening about what you've just said that I cant even bring myself to relive them in order to explain them to you,' Remus deadpanned.

'Now, now Moonshine. Love between a werewolf and a house elf isn't wrong, nor should you be frightened of it. Love is a beautiful thing, no matter what strange, devious creature you find it with.'

'And by strange and devious creature I hope you mean Kreacher and not I, being a werewolf and all.'

'Course I do! You know I believe Kreacher to be the most devious off all creatures! It goes Kreacher, harpie mothers and then Snivellus. Then maybe mild natured werewolves...'

'I think you missed dishonourable heirs somewhere in that little list,' Remus grinned into his glass just before taking a sip; the amber liquid burning as it slid down his throat.

'We are pretty devious from time to time,' Sirius smirked.

'Nearly a generation of Slytherins, an army of house elves and a full faculty of teachers can testify to that!' Remus raised his glass as he mirrored his friend's smile.

'Not forgetting every barmaid that's ever poured a drink in the Three Broomsticks since fourth year!' the dark haired boy boasted before setting his drink on the side of the bath.

'Here, make room!' he then commanded as he began to remove his towel, startling Remus into sitting up fully in the bath and consequently creating some kind minature tsunami.

'Sirius!' he cried in alarm as his friend climbed into the sloshing water, 'What... What are you doing?'

'I'm still cold,' the boy replied dumbly before assessing his friend's panic.

'Oh come on!' He cried out incredulously, 'Don't be such a prude Moony!'

'I'm not a prude!' The blushing boy protested, 'I'd just rather not have a mangy dog messing up my bath water.'

'I've already been in your water, idiot! Now budge up!'

Unable to argue back and Remus found himself doing just that and before he knew it his friend was lying in the bathwater with him. Sirius' top to Remus' tail.

'Just keep those feet away from me,' he warned his friend.

'But my feet are gorgeous!' The other boy proclaimed as he lifted a foot out of the bath water and wiggled it on his friend's face, 'Just like every other part of me!'

'Hmm... Well...' Remus grumbled, finding his discomfort with the whole situation robbing him of any wittier or sarcastic come back. He gulped at his Firewhiskey instead.

'You really need to get over your problem with nudity Moon Boy,' the dark haired boy berated him, 'Otherwise you'll never be able to get a bird in the sack!'

'Oh just like you have?' Remus quipped back.

'My ways with the women of Hogwarts are legendary mate!'

'Well most legends aren't true, are they?'

'Well this one is,' his friend replied indignantly before taking another swig from his goblet.

'Pads, have you heard half the rumours spread about you're apparent sex life? Some of them are completely bonkers! The last I heard you apparently had an orgy with the visiting Beauxbatons Quidditch team!'

'And who said I didn't?'

'Me! The fact that I live in the same dorm as you! I think I'd have noticed you getting off with an entire Quidditch team in our room!'

'Who said it was in the dorm? Could have been in the changing rooms?'

'There's also the fact that if you'd really shagged one girl, let alone seven, then you wouldn't have shut up about it for a second! You're need to gloat outshines your need for privacy every time!' the werewolf reasoned.

'Okay so maybe I haven't shagged a girl, but I've kissed plenty of them! Unlike you!'

'And?' Remus challenged his friend and fought against his blush of embarrassment, 'What's with everyone's problem with this? Pete and James never bloody shut up about it!'

'It's just a little weird mate.'

'What's weird about it? At the end of the day it's not like I can have a girlfriend is it? At what date do I drop in the bombshell about my lycanthropy? On the first date? Once I have my hands down her knickers?'

'Not this again!' Sirius groaned, 'For fuck sake Remus! Stop being the bloody martyr! You can kiss a girl without needing to size her finger for a wedding ring! The way I see it is your furry little problem gives you free reign for the whole love 'em and leave 'em approach to life!'

'And be a tart like the rumours of Hogwarts makes you out to be?'

'Moonshine! You wound me... But yes! Exactly.'

'I'm not exactly a love 'em and leave 'em kind of person Sirius. I do have considerations for other people's feelings. And it's not as if I've got a string of admirers even if I were.'

'Pfft! Plenty of girls fancy you mate! You're just too bloody clueless to notice! You just need to open your eyes and pick one!'

'I dunno...'

Sirius studied his friend for moment and a realisation dawned on him.

'You're not afraid are you?'

'No,' the younger of the boys squirmed and turned a deeper shade of the red than the last time he blushed, 'Of course not!'

'Oh Christ! You are, aren't you?'

'No, I'm not... It's just... What if I'm not very good at it?'

'Well you'll never know until you give it a try!'

'I've nobody to try it with though.'

'Moony! What do you think Hufflepuffs are for?'

'I can't... You know... I just... I can't...'

'Come on! I bet there's plenty of girls that'll go to the back of the greenhouses with you. You just need to stop being so bloody shy and ask one!'

'Its alright for you! You've got the confidence of a Felix Filicis brewer! I just... I can't... I don't even know where to start? And if I do find someone what if I'm really, really bad? I mean... Girls talk Padfoot! Especially Hufflepuffs!'

And it was true. They'd both heard the whispers; sometimes good and sometimes bad. Poor Peter had been victim of the later back in fifth year with his first ever kiss. Word spread of his sloppy lips like wildfire and for a full three days he'd been subjected to giggling girls and taunts from some of the crueler boys at every turn. It was enough to put a man off kissing for life! Yet the whole situation had surprisingly worked in his favour a few months later when a drunken Matilda Vaine, then a seventh year Ravenclaw, had offered to teach him how to snog properly. Yet Remus couldn't help but feel he wouldn't be as lucky as that.

'If only Mattie Vaine was still at school,' he mournfully vocalised his thoughts and dipped his chin further into the warm bath water. Sirius took a moment to stare at him before barking out a loud laugh.

'Good old Mattie! He grinned, 'She'd have definitely helped you out. She once told me she thought you were pretty cute.'

Remus nearly dropped his drink into the bath water, 'And you never thought of telling me!'

'She was seeing me at the time you pillock! I'm hardly gonna tell some other bloke that the girl I'm trying to get in with is into him, am I?'

'I suppose,' Remus grumbled.

'Listen, we'll find you someone okay? As soon as we get back? We could pass it as a dare or something!'

'Oh Christ please don't go around begging for me Padfoot! I feel pathetic as it is without being a charity case!'

'You're not a charity case Moons! Friends are supposed to help friends out aren't they?'

'Yeah but...' Any argument died before Remus could fully form one. He took a final swig from his goblet and set it on the nearby laundry basket. When he looked back at his friend he found that he was on the receiving end of a thoughtful look.

'What?' He asked warily.

'You know, I could help you out.'

'No Pads!' Remus sighed in frustration, 'I'd rather be pathetic than look desperate! I don't want you to rope some poor girl into some charity work!'

'No, that's not what I meant. I mean I could help you out... I could teach you how to kiss!'

'I... What?' Remus furrowed his brows in confusion.

'I could be your Mattie Vaine!'

'Sirius... That's just... No... That's just...no.'

'Why not?'

'Um, cause you're a lad!'

'Pfft! That doesn't mean a thing! Just a minor detail!' Sirius shrugged but the incredulous look he received from his friend told him he'd need to talk this out, 'Its not as if we'd be kissing because we want to. It'd be all practical and educational. You love educational Moony.'

Remus couldn't argue with that. But no! No! Just no!

'But I'd be kissing you Pads. That's just weird!'

'I'll have you know you'd be in a very enviable position! Look its like I said you don't need to bloody propose to me afterwards. If anything it'd be better than practicing with a girl because I wouldn't get all clingy and you wouldn't need to treat me like the gentleman you just know you would with an irritating girl you couldn't shake off.'

'No I'll just have an irritating boy reminding me for the rest of my days.'

'I wouldn't do that! I wouldn't even tell a soul!'

'Years of James knowing every misfortunate incident I've ever had in front of you begs to differ.'

'No! This is different! I wouldn't tell Prongs about this! I've kept your secrets before haven't I?'

Again Remus couldn't argue but some secrets were different than others. There were life defining secrets that nobody could find out and then there were embarrassing ones that could be used for bribery. This would definitely be one of those.

'And I never told anyone who Prongs' first kiss was.'

'Annie from Ravenclaw in fourth year!' Remus answered smugly. It was no big secret.

'Nuh uh!' Sirius grinned, 'it was moi! I taught Jamesy boy everything he knows!'

'Bullshit!'

'I did so! Two weeks before he inflicted himself on poor Annie. It was one of the nights you and Pete had detention from Pincey for making the book stacks topple over! Remember?'

Remus did. It was the most embarrassing detentions he'd ever had to serve. The library had been and still was his favourite place in the castle and thanks to his stupid friends he'd almost been barred from it for life. All thanks to the other lads escalating house war with the Slytherins. This particular fight had involved actual physical fighting and the scuffle had resulted in Pete being shoved into a shelf and it toppling several others. The boys had been saved from expulsion due to the fact that it had been Andrew Mulciber who'd done the actual fateful shoving and nobody had been hurt. Sirius and James had managed to avoid punishment completely by jumping under James' cloak and legging it to the great hall. By the time McGonagal had arrived at the scene the fleeing duo had made their presence known in the hall by serenading the Ravenclaw table with a rendition of 'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road' thus giving them a memorable alibi. When Remus thought about it, he was still sore about the whole sorry mess. But you never betrayed your fellow Marauders to McGonagal; it was one of the fundamental rules of their friendship.

'So while Wormtail and I were slogging away in the library you and Prongs were getting down to it?' He raised a skeptical eyebrow.

'We weren't shagging for fucks sake! Don't make it sound so sordid! I was showing him how to brush up on his kissing technique. Just like you he was terrified of making a complete arse of himself and like the good friend I am, I helped him! Just like I'm offering to help you! Have you ever heard any girls make fun of Our Prongsy's kissing abilities?'

When Remus thought about it he couldn't say he had.

'How come I never found out about this?'

'Because believe it or not I can be discreet sometimes,' Sirius fixed him with hard stare before sighing, 'Listen it did wonders for Prongs' confidence and he didn't turn into a giant poofter because of it, did he?'

'I suppose not,' the werewolf grumbled before giving it some real thought, 'You won't make fun of me or tell anybody?'

'Marauders honour,' the dark haired boy raised his hand above the bathwater and placed the other over his heart.

Remus considered it for a further moment, worrying his lips between his teeth as he done so. What was the absolute worst that could happen?

'Alright,' he answered reluctantly, eliciting a wide grin from the other boy, 'But not in the bath while we're starkers. Let's not make this any weirder than it needs to be.'

'You won't regret this Moony!' Sirius promised him with an excitement that was already bordering on inappropriate, 'I'm a fantastic kisser! Just you wait and see!'

-

Twenty minutes later and the boys were sitting downstairs in the Lupin cottage on the rug in front of a burning fire. Both boys were clad in pyjamas and Remus was rubbing a towel into his still wet hair.

'This is romantic!' Sirius grinned and motioned his head towards the fireplace.

Remus stopped drying his hair and stared at his friend for a moment before tossing his towel to the side in a huff, 'I thought you said you weren't going to take the piss?'

'I'm not!' Sirius schooled his face and then gave in to a roll of his eyes, 'You couldn't expect me not to comment on the bloody fire! It's like something out of those trashy novels Evans' lot reads!'

'It's bloody cold in here and you're the one who wanted it lit!'

'Alright, alright! I'm sorry! Let's get down to business!'

Remus set his jaw again.

'You know what I mean! Let's just get on with it! Sit down!'

Sighing deeply Remus threw himself down on to his knees to kneel in front of his friend.

'Alright!' Sirius started, 'Number one rule with kissing anyone is make sure your breath doesn't honk. You don't need to brush your teeth straight before every time but at least make sure your bird isn't going to be sick in your mouth. A simple eucalyptium charm can do the trick!'

'I can't believe you're giving me a lecture on basic hygiene! Didn't you proudly wear the same pair of pants for two weeks straight back in second?'

'Do you want my help or not?'

'Well actually...'

'Shut up! Anyway what you want to do is not lose your nerve. It's the first obstacle after establishing if a girl wants to snog you or not. Leaning in for the kiss can be nerve wracking but you just need to push through it. Try concentrating on looking at her lips. Girls find that sexy apparently. Staring into her eyes too long can be a bit creepy.'

'Okay so don't be creepy and don't plunge right in.'

'So when you do get your lips on hers don't stick your tongue straight in. Give her peck first...well go on!'

Remus readied himself, 'Hang on! Are you the girl in this situation?'

'If you'd like,' Sirius shrugged and Remus tried to repress a snort of laughter.

'Okay, alright,' the werewolf tried to straighten his features and take Sirius' little lesson a little more seriously. Taking a deep breath he began to move his head closer to his friend's but forgot about the rule of not looking in his friend's eyes.

'Lips' Sirius murmured.

'Sorry,' Remus flinched a little and lowered his eyes. This isn't daunting. This isn't scary. This isn't completely ridiculous. This was educational. This was just Sirius.

Remus burst out laughing and his friend let out an exasperated sigh, 'Laughing in a girls face is never a good idea.'

'I know. Sorry,' Remus continued to giggle.

'If you can't even give me a peck on the lips then you're never going to handle a proper snog. Now pull yourself together!'

Remus done just that.

'Good lad, now try again.'

'Okay,' Remus nodded and shifted a little closer on his knees. He dipped his head once more and stared intently at his friends lips until finally his own came into contact with them. It wasn't too bad, Remus mused. Not as scary as he thought it might be. Sirius' lips were soft and Remus could feel air coming from the other boys nostrils on his own face. In the background the fire crackled away and he could feel it's heat all down his right side. All in all it was a pleasant experience.

Sirius pulled away with a smug grin, 'See that wasn't so bad! Now we need to get your tongue in my mouth.'

Now that sounded daunting.

'So you start off just like you did there but you want to give me a few pecks on the lips before slowly opening your mouth and gently pushing your tongue in. I always find it better if you start off with just a little bit of tongue and then pushing in more gradually.'

The terrified look on his friend's face didn't escape Sirius.

'Right I'll show you first shall I? Just you sit still.'

Before Remus could even think this through Sirius was already descending on his lips and threading a hand through his hair. A nice touch really. Sirius began just as he instructed Remus; pecking his lips a few times and opening his mouth more and more every time. Remus found himself mimicking his friends actions; opening his mouth more and more just like he had. Eventually he felt a light brush of tongue against his lips and on instinct he pushed his own out to gently meet it. This wasn't so scary after all. In fact, it was actually kind of nice and the longer it went on Remus felt himself become bolder and bolder; he pushed his tongue more forcefully into his friends mouth which must have startled Sirius a bit because for a moment he took a firmer grasp of his hair before pulling away completely.

'Alright,' the dark haired boy announced looking a little flushed and shocked.

'Was I alright?' Remus cringed on seeing the state of his friend.

'Yeah,' Sirius nodded still looking a little unsettled, 'You're alright. You're keen too.'

The smile that broke over Sirius' face told his friend he was only teasing and soon Remus was smiling in the same manner.

'Now this time you initiate it,' Sirius shuffled into a comfortable position and waited for Remus to do just that. The werewolf licked his lips, his eyes focussed on the other boy's in concentration at the task at hand and moved in again.

'Seduce me Mr Moony,' Sirius teased causing Remus' lips to curl just as they came into contact with his.

'Fuck off,' he admonished quietly in between pecks causing Sirius to laugh into his mouth.

'You're actually quite good at this,' Sirius admitted as Remus pulled away for a brief moment before plunging in with his mouth slightly more open.

'You're a good teacher,' his friend murmured before Sirius felt the slide of tongue into his mouth. He met it with his own and in a moment of embarrassment he let out a little sigh. If Remus had heard it he never let on, instead he placed a hand on Sirius' cheek and deepened the kiss.

This was easy, Remus thought to himself. This was actually pretty fun. He could now see why everyone his age were so preoccupied with snogging. It was nice locking lips with someone else and intimately sharing the same space and air. He could do this all night if he was honest, even with Sirius. It wasn't as weird as it should have been kissing him. He supposed that was because they were such good friends.

Eventually he felt light fingers resting tentatively against his neck and he mentally stored how nice it felt. Maybe he'd do that with the first girl he kissed. Lightly touch her just as Sirius was doing to him. Soon enough though, Sirius was moving those fingers towards the back of his neck and threading them through the hair at his nape. That felt nice too, especially as it seemed to help his friend deepen the kiss. He mentally noted that too.

There was a kind of magical feeling accompanied with it too. It was if he could almost feel something passing between them, some kind of energy. Did this happen to everyone who kissed or was it merely the fact that this was Remus' first kiss and he was feeling his pent up nerves dissolve into relief? Yeah, that's what it must be. What else could it be?

God Sirius really was a good teacher.

He was just about to tell him again when all of a sudden he heard a distinctive cracking sound come from the hallway. His mind only registered what this was when he heard a voice call out.

'Remus!' His mother called in greeting, still from the hallway, and as quick as a flash he and Sirius sprang apart.

'We're in here!' He croaked out, feeling a little foggy from the kissing he'd just been partaking in and a little relieved that his mother and father had chosen to aparate into the hallway instead of the living room. Now that could have been awkward and embarrassing.

'I'm an aunt!' His mother announced as she entered the room, 'And you've got a gorgeous little cousin! Benjamin! Isn't that a lovely name!'

'Yeah lovely!' Remus smiled in what he hoped wasn't obviously his strained, polite smile.

'Well I've got to say that was one hectic night!' Evelyn Lupin sighed as she pulled her hair down from the ponytail she'd obviously scraped back in haste over the course of the night, 'I'm shattered and I think you're dad is fit to collapse too so we're going to turn in. Alright love?'

'Sure. Night mum.'

'Night honey,' she then looked beyond her son, 'Goodnight Sirius! Oh maybe you should move away from the fire love? You look completely roasted!'

Remus turned his attention to his friend and took in his flushed, disheveled state.

'Yeah...' The dazed boy replied with a strange look in his eyes, 'I will. Goodnight Mrs Lupin.'

'See you in the morning boys,' Mrs Lupin sang as she began exiting the room, 'Behave until bed!'

'We will!' The pair echoed back, their voices matching in embarrassment. If only she had known they'd already been doing something she wouldn't have approved off.


	2. Of Kiss, Kisses and Bed Top Rock Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus begins to notice some odd behaviour and that famous Black temper makes an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess I really should have given a warning for language for the first chapter. It's pretty much going to be the same all the way through. Another thing is that I'm going to be making quite a lot of references to 70s music throughout the fic so sorry if you don't like that. I loved Remus' gramophone in the POA and love the idea of him being into his music. Plus I reckon Sirius'd be we'll into the muggle music scene as a form of rebellion against his family. The references I have made are to Kiss (hence the title of the chapter) and I've even used Bowie's 'Moonage Daydream' as the song Sirius sings in the middle. Anyway I hope you enjoy and I'm welcome to comments, good or bad! :)

Chapter 2: Of Kiss, Kisses And Bed-top Rock Stars

 

'It's happening! It's finally bloody happening!'

The triumphant announcement could be heard by James and Sirius before they could actually spot their jubilant friend making his way through the crowded dance floor of the Great Hall. As a third member of Kiss, Peter, rushed up to his pretend band mates and real life best mates.

'What is?' Sirius asked in full Starchild make up, bare chest and black leather trousers; much to the delight of most of the female pupils.

Peter stood gasping for breath, his tongue sticking out a little; creating a comical affect with his Catman face paint.

'Spit it out man!' James demanded. If Wormtail was going to make as a dramatic entrance as he had, he had no business not cutting straight to the point.

'R...Remus!' The stout boy panted with a hand clutching his side, 'He's finally getting a snog!'

'What?!' James cried out in shock as if it had been announced that Lord Voldemort himself had been spotted at the traditional Hogwarts Halloween Ball.

'Where?' Sirius was standing on his tiptoes and looking around the room for this apparent phenomenon.

'Other side of the room! Follow me!' And Peter was pushing his way back through the dance floor in the direction he had only minutes ago came from.

James was the first one to follow with Sirius trailing him. Honestly, Remus snogging a girl shouldn't have been as big a deal as it was but since he was the last of the Marauders to cop off with the fairer sex and at a nearly unacceptable age of sixteen, it was the right of the others to turn it into the spectacle it undoubtedly would become. Of course, what the other two boys didn't know was that strictly speaking this wasn't Remus' first kiss; that had happened a few months before with Sirius but who was going to admit to that? Sirius certainly wasn't and Remus hadn't uttered a word. No. As far as the others were concerned Remus' first kiss was with a girl. Just like the rest of them...

'Over there! Look!' Peter pointed into the near distance and sure enough there was The Demon locked lips with what Sirius could make out to be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

'It's Sian from Ravenclaw,' The out of breath of the three boys announced, 'Lucky bastard.'

'How'd he pull her? She wouldn't snog me at the end of term party!' James grumbled.

'It's cause he's clever, isn't it? He's not - What did she say about you - 'A vapid, moronic cave man'. Is that right Sirius?' Peter turned to his friend with a playful grin but was met by someone not paying him any attention. Instead the shirtless boy was staring straight ahead at the scene in front of him trying his best to work out why he was feeling so put out by these recent developments.

He wasn't sure why but something just didn't seem right about what he was witnessing. Which was actually quite odd considering he'd actively been encouraging the boy now engaged with the snogging to find a willing bird to pull. But the whole thing, now that it was happening, left him feeling a bit cold. Maybe it was because he was used to not seeing the other boy pursue girls. If there was anything that could be counted on was the fact that Remus did not have girl troubles... Or any interaction with them that would lead to such troubles. Yes that must have been it. He would just need to get used to this change in romantic circumstances...

His stomach lurched a bit at the prospect.

'Oh... Oh...!' James nudged his arm to gain his attention, 'They're coming up for air!'

And sure enough the black and white faced boy was pulling away from the pigtailed girl. Despite the heavy make up Sirius could see the boy was embarrassed; his neck had turned crimson and he was smiling shyly at the girl. He hadn't blushed like that when they had been kissing...

Then again there kissing had been for educational purposes only. No need to be embarrassed there.

'On you go Moony! Reel her in for another one!' James called over the crowd of people that separated them from the boy and girl who unknowingly had providing them with tonight's entertainment.

The werewolf whipped his head around in surprise and the blush on his neck deepened. To Sirius' strange satisfaction Sian didn't seem embarrassed by it all but was pissed off at the fact that she was being subjected to James Potter's heckling. And he really couldn't stop the smirk which appeared on his face when the girl gave a roll of her eyes and then stormed away.

'Thanks a bunch!' The fourth member of their make believe band grumbled as he approached them.

'Ah she'll come begging for more you ladykiller! Just you wait and see,' James laughed as he gave the boy a celebratory pat on the back.

'How was it then?' Peter pestered him, 'I can't believe you finally snogged someone!'

Sirius didn't fail to noticed the brief eye contact the werewolf gave him before answering.

'It was fine,' he shrugged nonchalantly.

'Just bloody fine!' The bespectacled boy cried out incredulously, 'Are you sure you we doing it properly!'

'Well it was better than fine,' a grin began to spread on the shy boy's, 'She was a good kisser.'

Somewhere from inside Sirius compulsively wanted to ask: 'better than me?' but the raven haired boy had just about enough sense to push the urge down. What the hell was the matter with him?

'And she's bloody gorgeous!' Peter enthused and Sirius wanted to kick him in the teeth. He suppressed that urge too.

'I've seen prettier girls,' he said instead. 'She's a little bit up herself too.'

The irony of the fact that he couldn't have sounded any more haughty if he tried didn't escape him but there was just something about the girl he didn't like. The rest of the rock band stared at him; James and Peter looking slightly awkward about his criticism and Remus looking down right annoyed.

'No she's not,' Remus defended the girl in question. 'She's actually really nice.'

'Yeah and she left with a really nice roll of the eyes and stormed off in a really nice way,' sarcasm dripped from every word.

'Only because Prongs yelled over! And thanks for that by the way.'

'Sorry,' James sheepishly apologised, 'but it was such a momentous moment! I couldn't let it pass without embarrassing you. That's not the Marauder way. Now lets go spike the punch and celebrate the fact that Moony has boy parts after all!'

'I've always had boy parts!' The offended boy huffed.

'Well lets celebrate that you're more likely to use them now!' James amended and led the way towards the unsuspecting drinks table. Peter followed close behind but Sirius felt hesitant to move. There was something... a strange feeling that was weighing him down; he recognised it as a mixture of anxiety and anger.

'You coming?' Remus asked when he turned to see the other boy wasn't moving.

Sirius simply shrugged nonchalantly; faking indifference because he didn't know what else to do. I was when his friend moved to walk away without him that he found himself grabbing his arm impulsively and asking, 'You're not going to go out with her, are you?'

The need to know the answer irrationally consumed him.

The werewolf gave a puzzled glance to the hand still holding on to him.

'It was only a kiss,' he reasoned with the raven haired young man, 'You said it yourself Pads; a kiss doesn't mean an engagement ring.'

'But you like her?' Sirius pressed; he _needed_ to know the extent of what had just happened between Remus and that girl and part of him really couldn't understand why.

'She's pretty and clever and she was a good kisser but I'm not after a girlfriend, remember?'

He studied the brown eyes of his friend for a moment and saw nothing but sincerity in them. Anxiety melted away from Sirius as he was strangely awash with relief.

'So are we going to celebrate my man parts or not?'

The broad smile worn by Remus was quickly mirrored by his friend.

'We better make sure Prongs doesn't put too much in,' he conceded. 'He always makes it too obvious and before we know it it'll be confiscated by McGoogly.'

-

'Okay.... Bowie or Bolan?' Remus asked and instantly grinned at his friend's distraught face.

'Moony...that's just... That's just not on... It's impossible to choose!' Sirius announced, anguished at the prospect.

Remus loved this about his friend. Nothing Sirius felt was ever in half measures. He didn't just like the things and the people he liked; he loved them with every fibre of his being and Remus knew making him chose between his two idols would elicit this sort of response.

'Come on, play fair and chose. Who do you prefer; Bowie or Bolan?'

'B....' Sirius lingered for a moment and moved his pensive eyes to stare at the canopy of his bed. Above the boys on the wall posters of the Animagus' heroes appeared in static, muggle yet still somewhat magical poses. James Dean looked moody in his red biker jacket; John Lennon had an arm slung around Yoko; David Bowie exuded an eerie calm quality as lightning bolt flashed across his features and Marc Bolan with his mane of dark curls clung to his guitar in a passionate embrace, 'B.... Bowie... Yeah definitely Bowie.'

Remus turned his head to face friend, 'Because?'

'Well because Bowie's fucking ace isn't he? He just keeps coming up with amazing, mental shit and Bolan's great and all but he's, well, he's not alive anymore to come up with amazing, mental shit. So Bowie wins.'

The younger boy stared at Sirius for a moment in amazement before a burst of incredulous laughter erupted from him, 'Wow Pads! Sensitive as ever! Bowie wins simply because the other bloke's snuffed it?'

'Essentially yes,' Sirius grinned in acknowledgement of his shallow conclusion before he turned on his side to face the other Gryffindor.

'Alright my turn; James Bond or George Smiley?'

Now it was the werewolf's turn to look torn.

'Well I do like James Bond. All those gadgets and cars are pretty cool,' he finally assessed.

'And the birds,' Sirius nodded in earnest.

'And the birds,' Remus grinned, 'But Smiley's grounded more in reality. He relies on his wit not crazy inventions.'

'I thought all muggles relied on crazy inventions?'

'They do,' Remus conceded, 'But they're everyday ones like ovens and hoovers and such. In James Bond they're a little far fetched. My point is I like Smiley better because I reckon that's what it must really be like for a spy in real life.'

'For the one's trying to get through that steel curtain?'

The younger boy couldn't stop the weary sigh that escaped from him. He'd tried too many times to explain muggle politics to his friends and despite trying to keep it as simple as possible there was still some aspects the other boys couldn't quite understand.

'Yes,' he eventually agreed for the sake of having to explain once again.

'I still don't understand how a bit a drapery can be giving them so much hassle.'

And at that comment Remus didn't even bother to respond. They lay lazily in silence until Sirius felt the need to break it.

'Moony the record stopped,' he announced as if this hadn't been the case for at least the last five minutes. 'Get up and change it.'

'Do it yourself!'

'Oh so I'm allowed to touch the record player now, am I?' Sirius challenged him playfully and Remus knew he had him there. Sirius had been barred from touching the record player last year when Remus had grown tired of watching him carelessly changing records. He'd lost his Fleetwood Mac album to Sirius' rough handling of them; the scratches beyond the repair of any magic. Yet despite this, he couldn't bring himself to move from the bed.

'No.'

'So are you going to change it?'

'No,' Remus stretched lazily.

'Why not?'

The younger boy just shrugged in response. He was too comfortable and too sleepy to do anything else.

'Just pick up your wand and change it!'

Remus picked up on the irritation in his friends voice and decided to go with it, 'Mmm... No.'

'No?' Sirius sat up and quirked an eyebrow at him.

'Yes,' Remus replied and he couldn't keep his teasing smirk under control.

'Are you trying to wind me up?' The dark haired boy assessed him with incredulous amusement.

'No,' and this time the lazy werewolf couldn't hold back the giggle that came from him.

The dark haired boy peered down on him for a moment before his own teasing smirk quirked on his lips, 'Oh Moony, you should really know better!'

'Is that a threat?' Remus stretched out to show just how scared he was.

'Uh huh,' Sirius nodded with a smug look on his face before getting to his feet on the mattress; swaying a little as he stood on the springy surface. 'If you won't stick some music on then I'll just need to make my own!'

The Werewolf let out a groan of dread knowing full well what was about to happen but secretly he didn't mind. Despite all his eye rolling and clipping of his tongue Sirius' little bouts of attention seeking we're almost always entertaining and usually quite funny and on some level Remus had always envied the other boy's ability to not give a damn about what people thought of him.

'And I know just the song,' his friend smirked before whispering 'Sonorus' into the tip of his wand. Remus just knew this was going to end in trouble and anticipated the arrival of McGonagal at any moment.

'Duh! Duh! I'm an alligator!' Sirius sang out confidently as he thrust out his hips and pointed towards his friend, 'Duh! Duh!I'm a mama-papa coming for you! I'm the space invader, I'll be a rock 'n' rollin' bitch for you!'

'Keep your mouth shut,' he sang passionately, 'You're squawking like a pink monkey bird and I'm busting up my brains for the world!'

'It's words, not world,' Remus interjected with a laugh but was ignored by his friend.

'Keep your 'lectric eye on me babe,' the wannabe rock star pointed theatrically to his own eye, 'Put your ray gun to my head,' and his hand mimed a gun just as the lyrics stated. Bellow him Remus watched and giggled; he'd always enjoyed when his friend took to entertaining him with singing. If any of the Marauders were born to be a rock star it was Sirius with his charismatic charm; his good looks; his over the top confidence and his over-the-top dramatics. He was a born star.

'Press your space face close to mine, love,' and before Remus knew it his friend had thrown himself down on to the bed on top of him, 'Freak out in a moonage daydream oh yeah!'

'Don't fake it baby,' Now Sirius wagged a finger from side to side at the only boy who made up his audience as he straddled his lap, 'lay the real thing on me. The church of man, love,' and he ruffled his friend's hair playfully and for some reason the lyrics to that particular part made Remus blush a little, 'Is such a holy place to be!Make me baby,' and for some reason the dark haired boy found it necessary to lean down to sing into his ears which sent a thrill of excitement through Remus and thus making him momentarily confused. 'Make me know you really care...' the werewolf felt his breathing hitch as his friend's hot breath tickled his ear, 'Make me jump into the air...'

'Black!' A voice cut through the room bringing the night's entertainment to an early finish, 'Will you give that wailing a bloody rest! The whole flaming castle can hear you and some people have essays to finish!'

Both boys, with Sirius turning to do so as he straddled Remus' legs, looked to find Lily Evans standing in the doorway. She was a vision of complete fury which then morphed into one of complete confusion. What the bloody hell were these two boys doing? Why was Sirius lying on top of his friend? And why was Remus letting him?

'What are you two up to anyway?' She asked on noticing their strange position on the bed.

'None of your business Evans,' Sirius replied curtly as he swung his leg over Remus to climb off him. He shot the red head a scorching look of distaste. 'Does McGonagal know you have a habit of entering into the boys dormitory's uninvited?'

'I'm sure she'll understand the circumstances when I explain it was to stop your not so dulcet tones from driving the entire school around the bend.'

'Im sure they were really all thrilled to have Hogwarts' answer to Bowie serenade them as they went along with their dull evening,' Sirius arrogantly quipped in a tone of complete disdain.

Remus waited for a sharp witted retort from the petite girl but instead he found her flitting her eyes back and forward between them as if she was appraising the situation.

'Hmm... yes well I can see you're a lot more _similar_ to him than I once thought,' she finally answered cryptically and something in the tone of her voice told the werewolf that it wasn't meant as a compliment. He felt his stomach drop as he worked out the insinuation.

'Keep the noise down yeah?' She warned them a final time as she exited the room.

'What's that supposed to mean?' The older boy asked making it clear he was under no illusion that the feisty girl had meant for her comment to be taken as flattery. 'She thinks she's a right clever one she does! What's she on about?'

Remus brow automatically furrowed and fought against the squirming feeling in his stomach.

'I've no idea,' he lied. Both to Sirius and himself.

-

'There's no way the Wasps are going to win this year!' Sirius crowed over the chessboard; game long forgotten and chess pieces lounging around their squares idly as they waited for the game to resume. 'Astrid couldn't defend his hoops even if he placed a deflecting shield on them and don't get me bloody started on Wilson!'

'What's wrong with Wilson?!' James cried indignantly. 'She's the best chaser the game's seen in a generation!'

'Pfft! When was the last time she was in a game? Seems like her injury hasn't stopped her modelling for Gladrags. I'll be surprised if she remembers what a blooming Quaffle looks like!'

'She can't help it if she's pretty and good on her for making the most of her time out! And the Harpies are just as bad! Monaghan is the face of those new Nimbus brooms! Tell me he isn't getting paid a pretty penny to endorse those?!'

'Yeah but he doesn't let it get in the way of the game! He just gets on with it!'

'On his Nimbus broom while the rest of the team use their Cleansweeps? Yeah, not a whiff of sell out comes off him?'

Sirius was just about to argue about a fact he'd read only the other day (that the Harpies were due to sign a new broom contract with the Nimbus company for their new models) when he was interrupted by the emergence of one of the room mates rendering him speechless. On noting his stunned silence, James turned to face the new comer.

'What the bloody hell happened to you?!' He exclaimed as Remus flung himself on a near by sofa. The other boys were quick to their feet and were by his side immediately.

Very few things scared Sirius; when you're raised by one of the most formidable women in wizarding society you became used to violent rages and cruel punishments. He'd bore witness to horrors that any normal family would strive to protect their children from but on seeing the current state of his best friend his heart began thumping in that unfamiliar erratic way that he was scarcely used to. Kneeling at Remus' feet, he pulled his cuff of his robes over his hand and began to dab away at the boy's bloody nose.

Remus winced away from his touch and hissed in pain.

'Who done this to you?' the frightened boy asked him fiercely. Not only had Remus' nose been burst but his eye looked ready to swell; his robes were torn near the collar and his hair was sticking on end in places.

'Remus mate, you can tell us,' James tried with a gentler approach when no answer came from him and Sirius waited with bated breath for the answer. His breathing hitched a little when the roughed up werewolf briefly made eye contact with him with a flash of wariness. Eventually he opened his mouth to speak.

'Bella Black,' he almost whispered and cast his eyes downwards.

*

Remus could hear his friend before he could see him.

'Get out here now you fucking bitch!' He could hear the boy rage and found him screaming at the brick wall which concealed the entrance to the Slytherin dungeons when he turned the corner.

'I know she's in there!' The outraged boy slammed the palm of his hands against the brickwork. 'Get your fat, ugly arse out here Bella!'

James was the first to reach him and attempted pull him away but he was violently shrugged off as a new wave of anger had Sirius pounding the stone wall just as deranged as before.

'Pads please,' the injured Remus tried to plead with him to see reason. He did not want all of this to escalate any further than necessary because of him. Sirius' fights with his family were legendary within the school for their violence; especially those he had had with his slightly older cousin. Their last had involved the sadistic young witch pulling clumps of hair out of Sirius' head down by the lake last June when he'd successful disarmed her wand after a particularly nasty hexing duel. It had taken three prefects to get her off him and Madame Pomfrey had to administer a sedation potion to get her to calm down.

'No!' Sirius vehemently refused, 'She's not getting away with this! We both know she only attacked you to get to me! And look at the state of you! Get out here so I can give you what you deserve you vile bitch!'

'Come on Pads!' James now interjected, 'don't give her exactly what she wants. If she's done it to provoke you then she's probably sitting in the common room laughing her head off. Just calm down, yeah, and we'll go clean him up.'

Something seemed to resonate with the boy, or at least it looked that way to James. To this day it had completely baffled him how a family could treat one another in the way that the Black's did but what really astounded him was the way in which Sirius would rise to the bait every time Bella pulled a stunt like this, even after six years. He knew on some level Sirius had his pride at stake every time a swipe was made at it by some scornful family member and he had to applaud him for refusing to become the family punch bag by sticking up for himself but it didn't half create a spectacle; one that usually resulted in Sirius being dragged in front of the headmaster who'd warned him multiple times about rising above the provocations of others.

'Please Sirius,' Remus pressed on with a quiet firmness to his voice, 'I already feel like a prat without the whole school knowing I got beat up by a girl. You screaming and shouting about it isn't going to do me any favours.'

'But you wouldn't hit a girl back Remus,' Sirius softened as he allowed the werewolf to place a comforting hand on his arm, 'It wasn't a fair fight and she knows that. I won't let anyone say otherwise.'

'All the same I'd rather not let it be tomorrow's gossip at the breakfast table, alright?'

James quietly marvelled at the now sedated boy and at the other's ability at taming him.

'Okay,' the dark haired heir nodded as if under some kind of calming spell. Had Moony cast something without him noticing?

'Alright,' Remus agreed and looked up to James sheepishly, 'Let's just go back to the common room and we can plot how to get her back another day.'

'When she least expects it,' James added as he flanked the other side of the volatile boy and they made their way back down the corridor away from the dungeons.

'Whats wrong with now?' A voice called behind them and all three of the boys turned to find Bellatrix standing with a satisfied smirk on her face. Within seconds the feral look in Sirius' eyes returned at the sight of his cousin.

'Now's perfectly fine with me,' Sirius growled as he moved angrily towards her, deflecting the 'Expelliarmus' that was cast his way with a quick, cutting sweep of his wand. It was quick thinking on James' part to cast the same spell Bella had just used back on her and even quicker thinking on Remus' to cast the same spell on Sirius. Nobody was being locked in Azkahban tonight.

The loss of his wand barely fazed the enraged boy, however, and within a blink of the eye he had the face of enemy pressed firmly against the brick wall he had only moments been pounding with his fists. James and Remus both preyed Bella's face wouldn't be doing the same thing, such was the temper of their friend.

'Something wrong cousin?' Bella crooned in a way that made it clear that she was enjoying what was happening despite the violent way she was being treated. The manic glint in her eyes alive as ever.

'You tell me,' Sirius ground out between his teeth. 'You're the one attacking my friends for no good reason!'

Bella's eye turned to lock with Remus', 'I was only treating him the way his kind deserve. Filthy mud blood,' she spat the last words at the boy in question.

'Take that back,' Sirius seethed and the other two boys watched with alarm as he placed more pressure against her head.

'Sirius just leave it,' Remus pleaded once again.

'How _dare_ you!' Bella's temper flailed towards the injured boy once again. 'My family don't take orders from scum like _you_!'

Both James and Remus were baffled by the crazed girl's logic.

'No? Then apologise for attacking him.'

'Now you really are dreaming dearest Siri,' she purred in a perverse pleasure that almost frightened The young werewolf. 'You know it really does puzzle me why you're more loyal to this filthy half breed than you are to the rest of your family. Then again he has always been your little pet, that one, hasn't he? It's quite pathetic really. You should be really ashamed of what a coward he is. He wouldn't even fight me back.'

'That's because he has morals you twisted fuck,' Sirius raged close to her face and Remus could sense the girl's enjoyment. It sickened him to watch.

'Dress it up as you like but to me he's a pathetic...'

'One more word Bella!' Sirius threatened her.

'...filthy...'

'You don't know anything about Remus!'

'...disgusting...'

'You know I don't have any problems hitting you...'

'...coward.'

'That's it!' Sirius spun the long haired girl so that they were face to face when he had her pinned back against the wall, 'Do you want to know what a coward is?' He seethed into her face. 'A coward is someone who attacks someone they know who won't fight them back. A coward is someone who picks on someone because they're too afraid to pick on someone else.'

'I'm not afraid of you cousin,' Bella laughed in his face.

'Well you should be,' Sirius mimicked her back.

And then something happened that all three boys did not expect. Trapped beneath her cousins strength with his face intimidatingly close to hers, Bella leaned in and launched her lips on his. Remus heard James gasp as Sirius pulled away in disgust, subsequently freeing her from the wall.

'Urgh!' Sirius blanched but was only met by a wild cackling from the girl, 'You sick pervert!'

And before they all knew it Bella had vanished into the safety of the dungeons; her vile laugher still faintly audible through the brick walls.

*

Ten minutes later and the three Marauders were back in the sanctuary of their dorm room. They'd walked back in complete shocked silence to what had happened and out of the corner of his eyes Remus had watched Sirius scrub furiously at his mouth with the sleeve of his robe. Not one of them had expected Bella to pull a stunt like that, let alone Sirius, and not one of them knew the correct reaction to it.

Sitting on the floor next to the small fire in the dorm, Sirius was now busying himself with healing the injured boy who'd been the initial victim of the night's violence.

'I'm sorry about all this Moony,' he sighed as he ran a finger over the now healed lip of his friend to ensure the magic had sealed the split lip properly. Remus watched him quietly as he concentrated on the feeling of the other's boys fingers on his face briefly noting how soothing it was, 'I don't know why it's always you she goes for.'

Yet they both did know the reason why Remus was more than often the target of Bella Black's strange vendetta against her cousin; Sirius was fiercely protective of him. They all were if the truth be told. The other three Marauders took it upon themselves to protect him more than they would each other despite the fact that Remus was more than capable of looking after himself. He'd seen his fair share of fights and won all of them when he'd been fairly matched. But Sirius would burst into a fit of fury whenever he was present for such incidents and would take the protecting a bit too far. Last year he'd cracked three of Muliciber's ribs when the older Slytherin boy had tripped Remus up in the corridor for no other reason than that he was the closest target. The grey eyed boy had narrowly missed being expelled for that one.

'Sirius...' He began and he wasn't really sure if this was a great idea but something had been troubling him about the exchange between Sirius and Bella, even before she shocked them by launching herself on to his friend's lips. His friend looked at him with an expectant look on his face, 'You don't think... That Bella... That she maybe... That she might...'

'Spit it out!'

'You don't think she fancies you, do you?' He was finally able to rush out. Sirius' face twisted into a look of disgust.

'Urgh! No!' He cried out offended, 'She probably only did it to shock me into letting her go! Urgh! And it worked! That was single handedly the most disgusting moment of my life!'

'Yeah,' Remus agreed with a half hearted chuckle but he wasn't as convinced. He'd seen the enjoyment in the girl's face as Sirius had pressed himself against her and it sickened him.

'She's just another in a long line of Black family perverts,' Sirius quipped and this time Remus' smile was genuine, even if Sirius still had a finger stroking his lip. The over protective boy mirrored his smile, which Remus could see shining in his eyes as he stared into them.

They stayed like that for a moment before Remus thought about how strange they must have looked and let out an awkward cough.

'Sorry,' Sirius apologised quickly and pulled his hand away, 'Just making sure you're alright.'

The werewolf smiled again at his friend in reassurance, 'I'm fine Pads.'

Yet on the inside he wasn't sure he was.


	3. Of Gillyweed Brothers and Accidental Hexes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Peter's birthday and the boys decide to celebrate in style... Although Sirius and Remus decide to do so in a way that neither were expecting...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess a drug and smut warning should be given before you read this. Just Gillyweed though... (As of to date nobody has suffered any fatalities due to Gillyweed consumption so it's fiiiiine!) Anyway! This was the first chapter I had written hence the quick posting of it after the last chapter. Updates won't be that frequent in the future I'm afraid. I'd love some feedback if anyone's got any?

Chapter 3 - Of Gillyweed Brothers and Accidental Hexes

 

Remus hurried through the corridors of the castle back to Gryffindor Tower. He knew if he wasn't quick he was going to miss out in all of the fun. Tonight he and his friends were planning on celebrating Peter's birthday and had planned on doing so in style. To mark their friend's coming of age birthday James had managed to get some Gillyweed from the seventh year Ravenclaws and Sirius had used his charms down at the Three Broomsticks to obtain a few bottles of Firewhiskey. Yes, tonight was going to be a good one....

As long as Remus got there in time before the rest of the boys finished off their supplies.

*

'You smoked it all?' The werewolf asked in a mixture of disbelief and disappointment, his attention focussed on the dark haired boy with the spliff in his hand.

'No,' Sirius replied in exasperation and lowered the cigarette from his mouth, 'These two wallys nearly did. I was in detention, remember?'

'Sorry I forgot,' Remus glumly apologised as he dropped himself on the floor next to the other sober boy.

'S'rry Moons,' Peter slurred but looked anything but.

'S'alright Peter,' he replied with a half smile, 'It is your birthday after all.'

'Just share what's left!'

'There's barely a few drags left,' Sirius grumbled, 'That's not going to be enough split between us to do anything.'

James, who'd obviously had just as much Gillyweed as the birthday boy, snapped his fingers rapidly, 'Oh! Then just do those blow back thingies. It'll go further between you.'

'Blow back what?' Remus' ears pricked up. Why did this sound a bit... Dodgy?

'That's actually a good idea Prongs!' Sirius looked impressed as he fumbled with his lighter to re-light the remainder of the Gillyweed.

'I do my best thinking when I'm sozzled!' James grinned somewhat triumphantly, if not a little woozily.

'It's true,' Sirius agreed in earnest around the cigarette between his lips.

'I still don't understand,' Remus frowned.

'Basically I'm going to take a draw, inhale it and then blow it in to your mouth,' Sirius explained as he waved their muggle lighter around.

'And that works, does it?' Why did it sound like a bad idea?

'Yeah and that way we get to smoke more,' the dark haired boy reasoned, 'So get ready.'

How on earth was he supposed to do that? Sensing the boy's confusion hadn't been completely wiped away Sirius took the cigarette from his mouth with an impatient sigh and beckoned him forward, 'Right as soon as I finish taking a draw place your lips near mine and wait for me to blow it into your mouth, okay? It's simple! All you need to do after that is inhale what I blow to you, alright?'

Remus was only able to give a dumb nod of the head before moving closer in the way he was instructed to. He waited patiently for Sirius to get the muggle lighter working, lighting it in a way a fifties movie star would be envious of. Why couldn't Remus ever look that cool he wondered longingly as Sirius took a deep drag. With his eyes creased slightly with the task of holding his breath, Sirius motioned for him to come even closer to await his hit of the drug.

With their mouths so close Remus looked into the other boy's eyes as he waited patiently for the smoke that was to be passed to his own body in a moment's time. Sirius had his eyes open too and his lips were inches away from Remus', partially opened as he held his breath. This should have felt awkward, sitting so close to his friend but wasn't. He should have felt like an utter berk sitting in such an intimate position with another boy, in front of the other boys especially, but he didn't. There was something quite thrilling about being this close to his good looking friend and Remus wished with all his heart that he could fully understand why that was.

'Stop hogging it Padfoot!' The giddy voice of Peter admonished him playfully drawing Remus' attention to the fact that Sirius had been holding his breath for an awfully long time considering the slightly awkward position they were forced to wait in. He waited a moment longer, enough time for Remus to flick his eyes down on to his plump red lips to make sure his own were aligned with them properly before looking back into his smouldering grey eyes. Something was different in them, they were burning like coal in a fire and Remus wondered briefly if it was the effect of the Gillyweed. Obviously satisfied that he'd taken a proper hit from the joint, Sirius crooked his finger at Remus once again to signal that he was ready to exhale but the werewolf obviously hadn't moved close enough because in the next moment he felt the back of the boy's hand at his neck to pull him closer; so close that their lips were almost touching. The unexpected contact caught Remus by surprise and he found himself inhaling deeper than he meant too in shock.

'That's my boy!' He heard James shout proudly and he moved to look at him but found himself still anchored by Sirius' hand on his neck. He found himself staring into the grey eyes in front of him.

'Just hold it a little bit longer' the Animagus urged him and for a second Remus wondered if he was talking to himself about where his own hand was until he realised he was referring to the smoke Remus was himself holding in his lungs.

Eventually he exhaled but couldn't let his eyes move from his now grinning friend as he moved away from him. Only moments ago his face had been completely intense and Remus wasn't sure why he felt so confused about the whole situation. It didn't feel like it was just because of what he'd just smoked.

'How d'ya feel?' The birthday boy asked them with a lazy smile; his curiosity dulled down mellow by the weed.

'Erm... Good?' Remus hesitated to answer. Truth be told he didn't feel much different... Well maybe he was a little bit more confused than what he was five minutes before?

'Padfoot?'

Remus watched as Sirius eyes flicked towards him darkly, 'I definitely need more. I can't feel a thing,' he declared and an uneasy fluttering feeling began in Remus' stomach.

James whooped in celebration and Peter let another easy smile slide on to his face. 'Then spark it up my Gillyweed brother,' and the joint and muggle lighter was being passed to Remus.

He wished he could have looked as cool as Sirius had when he had lit up. He looked like bloody James Dean every time he smoked a fag while Remus was aware that he probably looked like a fisher woman; such was his luck. Placing the joint between his lips he sparked the lighter and for possibly the first time in his life the thing worked for him on his first attempt. Triumphantly he took a deep draw and let the silky smoke slide down into his lungs.

It was then that golden haired boy realised that Sirius hadn't moved to position himself in front of him. How was he going to pass the smoke from his own mouth to his. Sirius obviously saw the conundrum play across his face because at that moment he lifted his eyebrows in invitation; Remus should go to him.

Shifting forward on the carpet the werewolf made sure he was as close to his friend as possible yet Sirius made no move to position himself in the way like Remus had the previous time. Instead he kept his eyebrows lifted; almost daring him to take matters in to his own hands and that he did. Throwing caution to the wind Remus decided to pull Sirius to him. Remembering the time his friend had taught him how to kiss back in the summer in front of the fireplace in his cottage, the younger of the two boys threaded both hands into Sirius' dark hair to draw him near. As he brought him closer he tilted his head so their lips were once again almost touching and Sirius finally opened his mouth to him.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he was aware of how this must have looked to the others; Sirius had even closed his eyes and for a moment Remus watched the dark lashes of his friend fan out over his cheeks before doing the same. The gesture was intimate, far too intimate to expect James and Peter not to make comment on it.

'Fucking hell!' James laughed out, 'Remind me to do that next time we share a smoke with the Hufflepuff girls!'

Sirius turned to face the bespeckled boy as Remus pulled away from him, 'Don't be jealous Jamie darling,' he joked as he blew smoke at the same time and was automatically reaching for the lighter again.

They had continued to smoke in this manner until there was nothing left. Their methods becoming bolder the more smoke they inhaled and their heads becoming fuzzier. Sirius had even giggled into Remus' lips as he waited for the last draw to be passed to him, admitting, 'This is the best way to smoke,' before lowering his mouth to Remus'.

Had he been of sound mind the werewolf probably would have blushed and awkwardly disagreed but since he was not he couldn't have helped laughing in agreement; a smile of utter enjoyment spreading over his features. He watched as Sirius held his breath for the last time and took in his appearance. At some point the boy had taken off his shirt and was now sitting in the tight white t-shirt he often wore under his school uniform in winter and his hair was sticking up in all different directions. By all means he should have looked a mess in his dishevelled state but he looked... How could Remus put it it... Roguishly handsome. Yes, he smiled, Sirius was most definitely handsome.

*

'Come on James!' Sirius crowed from behind the closed drapes of Remus' bed, 'Stop being a spoil sport! I think you sound lovely!'

'Yeah Prongs, at least it'll make your singing voice sound better!' Remus goaded his unfortunate friend from the side of his other.

The two boys sat upright barely containing their laughter as they anticipated a response and sure enough, after a few minutes of silence, the quiet room was met with a loud croaking noise from what was clearly a disgruntled James. The pair fell about laughing hysterically until they fell back beside one another panting for breath and Remus grinned at his raven haired friend.

'Now I know why my mum hides my dad's wand when he's drunk! Peter couldn't have done better if he'd tried!' He laughed out as he turned to face Sirius fully.

'And he isn't even awake to appreciate it!' Sirius mused with laughter in his eyes.

What had happened to result in the current state of their friend had been a complete accident; an incident of pure misfortune (or the opposite depending on how you looked at it). Their now unconscious friend had been in quite a state having drunk too much Firewhiskey on top of their other means of recreation from earlier on in the evening. Recognising the fact that he was far too drunk, the inebriated boy had found some common sense in amongst his drunk addled mind and had decided to charm himself sober. Refusing the help of his less inebriated friends Peter had turned his wand on himself and had mutter the incantation; but being in the state he was he had slurred the words and had cast an entirely different spell. To make matters worse, for James at least anyway, he'd been drunkenly holding his wand the wrong way around and the spell had been cast in the very unfortunate direction of the now croaking boy, Peter promptly passing out on the floor as soon as he done so.

For a few moments Sirius and Remus had stared in complete wonder at the entire fluke of a situation before bursting into complete hysterics. Between laughter and wide eyed bewilderment the pair had attempted to correct it but not even a 'finite incantum' had been able to reverse what Peter had accidentally done. After twenty minutes they, and despite James' croaking protestations, decided Pomfrey was their only hope but not in the state they were currently in; no, they'd need to wait until morning lest they wanted punished for their illicit activities. So that left James' storming off to bed in a bad mood and the other two gasping for breath from laughter on Remus' bed.

'That was possibly the funniest thing Pete's ever done!' Remus lamented through his chuckles and he turned to see Sirius nod in agreement before mulling over what he was about to say. He made a great show of contemplating his next words, obviously trying to work out how he was going to articulate himself. Whatever he had to say requiring a great deal of thought for it's importance. Remus found himself waiting in anticipation at what the other boy clearly had to on his mind and just when he was about to push him to just spit it out the dark haired boy's grey eyes sparkled in mischief and his mouth stretched into a wide grin before it opened to announce exactly what he'd been thinking.

'Ribet!' He croaked out in imitation of their unfortunate friend who'd obviously heard it considering the indignant croaking that came from his bed. The two boys erupted once again into laughter, doing so so loudly that Remus eventually had to cast a silencing spell on his bed to stop James from getting up to frottle them both.

As they continued to laugh in the now sound proofed bed, Sirius moved his hand to the back of his friend's neck. It was a warm gesture the dark haired boy often made solely to Remus when the pair shared a joke or whenever he was particularly pleased with his friend (or when he'd grabbed him earlier to pull him forward when they'd first started smoking the Gillyweed Remus remembered) and the werewolf found himself relax into the touch. Usually Sirius would briefly squeeze the base of his neck and let his hand slip away just as quickly but a combination of alcohol and the way the pair were lying down caused him to keep his hand planted there. Remus breathed out a laugh as he stared back at the grinning boy. He loved it when it was just he and Sirius who were comrades against one of the others in a joke. It seemed to be happening more and more often these days.

He began to smile as he realised just how long the pair had lain there in the somewhat strange position. He could sense something in the air, an energy, that was both unsettling and exciting buzzing between them. It was scary yet welcome; new but familiar. Remus briefly thought about how absurd it was, to feel this strange trepidation he was feeling towards one of his best friends. He couldn't even put his finger on what it was exactly, well not until he registered the half lidded eyes of the boy in question whose expression was now a lot more serious than it had been only moments ago.

Unwillingly he found himself staring down at his friend's lips and wondered what all the fuss was about. He'd kissed Sirius before and it hadn't been big deal. He hadn't really wanted to at the time but it had been pleasant once they'd got going. He'd even enjoyed himself eventually but at the time it had been a means to an end. Now looking at his friend's lips he realised that he wanted nothing more than to have them on his own again. Even earlier in the night, when they had been blowing smoke into one another's mouth he hadn't had the same urge had he? Yes he'd probably felt a little titallated at what they were doing but he hadn't wanted to snog him? But now? Now he wanted to feel what they were capable of doing.

On that thought, two things happened. This thought, the one about the feeling of his friend's lips on his own, plunged down from his brain and went tingling down his chest until it exploded in his stomach like a firework. A flaring feeling burned deeper still, until it burned hot into his groin. The second thing to happen occurred when he was busy questioning what the hell was going on with his body. He felt Sirius tense the hand on the back of his neck, before feeling himself being pulled forward so that Sirius' lips were getting closer and closer to his own until...

They made contact hesitantly. Thoughts of 'what the hell is going on?' giving way to, 'who the hell bloody cares?' The next thought to cross Remus' mind was whether or not he could taste the Firewhiskey off his friend's mouth or whether or not it had been lingering in his own. He could smell the cheap cigarettes Sirius had been smoking earlier in his hair and it strangely made him crave for one. Well, until Sirius pulled him closer still and an altogether different craving came over him. One more powerful, urgent and primal.

This was good, he found himself musing. No, this was great. Snogging was always fun he supposed but this was something else. He felt intoxicated by it. Sirius' hand had began threading through his hair as his other moved to stroke his cheek that was almost buried in the pillow. Emboldened by the other boy, the werewolf slid his hand over his partner's body until it rested on the small of his back and continued to concentrate on what was happening between their lips.

Sirius was doing something magical, that much he was sure. In the relatively little experience he had of kissing he was quite sure this was the most pleasurable he had ever experienced. Sure it was a bit sloppy, alcohol had that affect on it, and it didn't really make sense why it was happening, another thing he was certain alcohol was the cause of, but that didn't really detract from how good it was. Those first tentative strokes of one another's tongues had now built up into a passion and hunger that Remus had never experienced before; that he never thought capable of. Sirius was now practically rolled half on top of him as his tongue plunged down into his mouth. It was slightly suffocating having this weight on his body, but in a good way, yet he wasn't sure how much longer they could go on before one of them had to break away from some much needed air.

  
In the end it was his friend who pulled away first, but the crafty bugger took this as an opportunity to tilt Remus's head so he could kiss his neck in between gasps for air. Remus panted for the much needed, yet treacherous oxygen (that denied him his mouth of much better uses) and allowed one of his curious hands to wander through the other boy's dark -now slightly sweaty- hair. He brought his nose down into the masses of wavy locks, taking advantage of Sirius's mouth kissing at his collarbone, and breathed in his scent.

It was glorious. It was a smell that reminded him of fond memories; of pranking and duelling and laughing. It was lying in the sunshine down at the lake just as it was running around in the snow being chased by enemy houses with his Gryffindor brothers by his side.

There was something else Remus could sense too. It had started when he and Sirius had been lying down staring at one another; before the other boy had reached over and before their lips had met. It had started as a crackle in the air around them and had become denser as they'd continued kissing. Remus had read many times in novels of tension hanging in the air; be it sexual or emotional, but this wasn't quite what that was. There was something else behind it he could feel. He'd often read too about magical energy that could be felt. He'd even experienced it in his body during his change at the full moon; but again this was different. It was as if it was sparking from the pair of them? Was that even possible?

By instinct he guided Sirius's head back towards his own and by impulse kissed the boy's temple first. His skin was sweat slicked now, as was his own, but he'd never tasted anything so... So amazing in all his life. He trailed kisses down the flushed cheeks of his panting friend, his blazing skin hot on his lips, until he was back kissing Sirius again properly. Hungrier than before, hungrier still as the other boy climbed fully on top of him; heaving chest against heaving chest and denim jeans moving flush against denim jeans.

Remus' hands now encircled the other boy, clutching to the back of White t-shirt. He was just about to move his hands under the sweat soaked cotton when something distracted him; something wonderful. It was that feeling he felt late at night when both his mind and hand would sometimes go wandering together. Except this time neither of these were needed, not directly of course. This time the pressure of Sirius's body was enough to set his groin completely ablaze, his arousal growing in the heat between his legs. The atmosphere around them was building too; he could sense it swirling around them and he was certain it was making his head a little light.

It seemed Sirius was enjoying the same sensations judging the ever growing hardness that was grinding itself against Remus's leg. This felt both brilliant and bizarre, the latter of which caused a prickling of fear over Remus' sweat drenched skin.

What were they doing?

As the thought screamed through his mind he tore his lips away from the other boy's and searched his face for an answer.

This was madness. This certainly was not right; boys simply did not do this. Not boisterous boys like he and Sirius at least. They did not snog each other senseless. They didn't find pleasure in the taste and feel of each other's skin. They didn't writhe together on top of sweat soaked sheets in suffocating sweat soaked clothes that were itching to be stripped off. No. No...

They simply did not do these things because surely that meant a wealth of other things? He was certain they did not find each other attractive... They hadn't before now... But as Remus looked up at the face of his friend; sweaty brow, aroused, lazy eyes, kiss swollen lips with his breath puffing with exertion he couldn't think of anything more attractive in that moment.

Acting before his mind lost it's nerve again, and enticed by the strange energy they were conjuring together, Remus pulled his friend back down with one hand pushing at Sirius' head so he could catch his lips in a fierce kiss and the other pushing down on his backside so that his body was pulled tightly against him. And oh what a reward he got from that! As they began rubbing fervently together, the feeling in Remus' groin began to burn deeper and hotter. His skin prickled with a heat he'd never felt even in the warmest climates. The air became denser with that unknown power. The sensations were immense; everything became heightened for Remus. The slight groan that accompanied Sirius' pants for air rung in his ears; the smell of the his skin drove him to thrust harder upwards, his lips were something to be devoured. As everything built and built and built; as the pair clung onto one another more desperately, Remus could begin to feel the beginning of something. Something which was building to something magnificent, something final. And he welcomed it, he craved it but he definitely wanted something more. He wanted to feel more of this boy who was moving purposely on top of him: skin, hair, lips were simply not enough.

'Tr...trousers!' he managed to breathe out desperately. The first either of them had spoken since this madness had begun. He wasn't sure if Sirius pulled back in surprise on hearing him speak or on hearing what his command meant but eventually he nodded and eventually an equally breathy 'yes!' escaped his own lips as if he had never heard of a better idea.

He watched as the raven haired of the two moved to straddle Remus and fumbled with the buttons and fly of his jeans. He could see the nervous energy in his friend's fingers make sloppy work of his task. Growing impatient Remus took matters into his own hands and merely yanked the denim as soon as they were unbuttoned, bringing them down just enough over his friend's hips that his erection could be freed from them.

He was a little startled at the sight at first. To see another boy in this state of arousal was completely alien to him. He'd never really given much thought to it before. And now here he was... Staring at his friend in a state he'd help create (and had very much enjoyed doing so) and knew that underneath the fly of his trousers he wasn't much different. He dragged his eyes away from his friend's groin to meet his gaze, which was fixed into a daring stare. He could almost hear Sirius say, 'Come on then! I've shown you mine, now you show me yours!'

And so he began to. The pair swapped roles; this time Remus unbuttoning himself and Sirius tugging his jeans. Again just far enough to free him from the constraints of his jeans and just like Remus, Sirius inspected what was laid out before him. Was he thinking how weird all this was too? Knowing Sirius he was comparing it against his own, storing the information away for some other time; for a taunt or for a joke. But as he looked back at Remus there was no humour in his eyes; all Remus could find was a look of a possessed man and it scared and thrilled him all at once as Sirius positioned himself back up Remus's body and began devouring his mouth with his own.

Now when they moved together the sensation was beyond bliss. The friction heat caused by their jeans was now gone and was replaced with another kind, one that was slippery and sometimes messily aimed. But when they rubbed together every few precise strokes it was immense. So much so that Remus found himself curving involuntarily out of Sirius' kisses as his back arched and his hand dug into the skin underneath Sirius' soaking top. Gasps of air were being ripped from him now and as he rode wave after wave of pleasure he tried to focus on what all this was doing to his friend. Sirius was currently panting little puffs of air right into his neck. Puff, puff, puff. He could feel the rhythmic breathing on the wetness of his skin. He tugged at the other boy's hair then, desperately needing to see his expression. He looked as desperate as he himself felt and noted how Sirius kept biting his own lip every time another wave of pleasure overtook him.

He wanted those lips on his. He needed to be the one who was biting them so he guided his friend into another kiss, one that became increasingly disjointed as closer and closer they rode.

Thrusts becoming deeper and faster and more frantic until everything narrowed for him. The air around them was stifling and heavy with the threat of combustion but Remus was intoxicated by it. He welcomed it to engulf him; craved it. Everything built up until it was clear this was going the only way it could and Remus felt everything go wild. The atmosphere and his senses exploding as all the muscles in his body stretched and then began to throb after his release. His heart was pounding loudly in his chest as he regained himself and quickly realised Sirius wasn't quite where he himself was yet. He was still moving with an urgency against him, still biting those lips. Deciding to take some action, Remus gathered up his courage and moved his hand between their bodies and grasped his friend's erection in his hand.

It was hot and it was slippery from his own orgasm. It throbbed in his hand with a weight that was kind of familiar to his own. Taking on board this really was no different to the late night activities he got up to on his own and the surprised look in Sirius' eyes, he decided to push on. He caught his friend's lips with his own and began to move his hand. Sirius writhed on top of him and groaned loudly into his mouth as Remus indulged him. He marvelled at the sense of control he had over the other boy. Sirius Black was now at his mercy, he was an incoherent mess on top of him. He was whimpering and then almost growling in his ear. He was getting closer and closer to oblivion and Remus's hand was taking him there. Faster and faster until...

The effervescent magic intensified again and Remus could feel it pulsing around them. Sirius cried out first and then continued to rock in Remus' hand. He eventually looked down at Remus, exhausted and spent. He looked like he was going to drop dead at any moment, or at least fall asleep but then he surprised him by catching him in a searing kiss. One that could get them into a lot of trouble again had they not just exhausted themselves.

The pulsing energy that had engulfed Remus began to slow and eventually they're tongues became too languorous to continue as tiredness tugged at every muscle of their bodies. It calmed down their breathing and made their eye lids tilt closed...

The next thing Remus knew he was startled awake some hours later. In the still dark room he felt confused and his head pounded. Something was definitely a miss... Why was Sirius in his bed, with he himself curled around him? There was a certain odour in the air too... And a draft annoying him further down his body. It was when he dared to look down his torso that everything began to click into place. He and Sirius were lying, both with their trousers pulled down, exposing themselves to one another. There was also a certain...mess between them.

'Shit!' he called out in alarm as what this actually meant and a few stray memories came flooding back. He sat upright in a panic and turned to look at his friend. He must have jostled him in his sleep because now he too was waking and all Remus could do was sit and watch in blind panic as he too took in the scene and connected the dots.

Sirius' eyes widened in horror as he looked between his exposed body and the person he had clearly been sharing it with last night.

'Wh....?' he began to ask but suddenly stoping thinking it better to cover himself up.

Remus watched as his friend tugged the garments up in a panic, his eyes wild with conclusion and fear.

'Sirius... I... I don't know...' he tried his best to soothe him but it was futile as he himself was far too freaked out by the situation. What the fuck had they been doing last night? Why the fuck...

'I need to go!' Sirius announced interrupting his thoughts with the first coherent sentence either one of them had been able to manage. Yet it panicked him. They needed to sort this out. Remus needed an explanation. He needed it to make sense to him. He needed sense and order and life to be relatively sane to him.

'Sirius please...' he began to plead, reaching out to stop the body of his friend as he scrambled to get up, but he was cut short when a fierce 'No!' was tossed in his direction.

'But we need to...'

'No we don't!' his friend shook his head vigorously staring back at him as if he was mad ever wanting to rationalise this, let alone ever think about it.

'But we can't...'

'Leave it Remus!' his friend all but yelled in his face in a manner he had never quite seen before. He hadn't even heard Sirius use that tone with the lowest of his Slytherin foes and it stunned him. It stunned him so that all he could do was watch in silent horror as Sirius scrambled from his bed and shot out between the drapes.

He stared off into the vacant space for a moment, his mind trying catch up with everything that had happened but when it was clear that all it could do was was repeatedly chant 'what the hell happened? What the hell happened?' he gave up and launched himself back down onto his bed. As his head hit the pillows he was struck by the aroma that met him; sweat and the undeniable scent of Sirius.

'Fuck!' he cried out in frustration, in anger and in complete bewilderment.

What the fuck had they been thinking?


	4. Of Taking Advantage, Detention and Shy Waving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day after Peter's birthday and things set to become more and more confusing for Remus whilst Sirius deals with what's happened in the worst possible way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The titles of my chapters are completely pants! Ha ha! Anyway, here it is... The aftermath! Apologies if this has all been a bit Remus focused, we'll be hearing more from Sirius in the next few chapters. The boy's too muddled just now. 
> 
> Oh and thanks for my comments! :)

After only a few more hours of restless sleep and about twenty minutes of daring himself to emerge from between the drapes of his bed, Remus found himself last to the breakfast table that morning. He'd felt an immense sense of relief that time had been bought for him when it was apparent Sirius had fled from the room probably from the second he had woken up to avoid any kind of confrontation. Not that Remus was going to give him one; at least not in front of James or Peter.

He tentatively approached his group of friends, noting how quiet they were all being. He had expected this from Sirius but not from the other two and he briefly wondered if Peter and James had been told about his escapades from the night before or worse, if they'd overheard!

With his heart in his mouth he quietly sat down and stared resolutely towards the table, desperately trying to work out what the hell he was going to say if that were the case.

'Merlin Moony!' James voice almost groaned at him, making his whole body tense, 'You look as bad as I feel! What the fuck was in that Firewhiskey?'

'It must have been laced with something,' Peter speculated from his buried head on the table, 'It must have been...'

'Who'd have put something in?' James looked suspiciously around his group of friends with a raised eyebrow.

'We did get it from the Hufflepuffs,' Peter now sat, staring straight ahead as if his hangover had traumatised him, 'They are known for being mad bastards. I've heard some of them even have a sideline going with some muggle stuff, you know...recreational potions?'

'Drugs?' Remus choked out in surprise once he'd worked out what his friend was getting at, momentarily forgetting about what was worrying him.

'Yeah,' Peter nodded as much as his sore head would allow, which wasn't a lot. 'Not the really bad stuff... Not like Herons or anything.'

'Herons?' James asked puzzled, 'As in the birds? How'd you get potions out of them?'

Remus was just about to correct them when he noticed Sirius peering up at him from under his fringe and he lost all focus of the ill informed conversation that was going on around him. Something made the hairs on his arms begin to prickle; a warm sensation in the air, but then cooled rapidly into something rather chilled. The pair only managed to make eye contact briefly, with Sirius' dark eyes flitting away the instant he had been caught and Remus' whole body cringed in sheer awkwardness when he noticed the blush which engulfed his features.

'Even Black's hungover!' James' voice drifted back to catch the werewolf's attention. 'Look at the state of him! You look like you're going to throw up any minute now!'

'Yeah you do look a bit peaky mate,' Peter offered as he helped himself to some toast with some very shaky hands.

'Hmmph,' was all the pallid boy could manage as he looked anywhere but at his friends.

'He said he can't remember a thing after we tried to convince Betty the Buxom to start wearing lower cut dresses...or was it tighter corsets?' James pondered.

'Is that right?' The newcomer to the discussion of last nights activities asked, turning to look at the boy in question who was now staring back at Remus with a challenging look.

'Yes,' he replied clearly, his stare never wavering and revealing that this was entirely not the case. The air around them got colder.

'What about you?' Peter, totally oblivious to the silent conversation and the reasons for it taking place, asked.

'Oh... I dunno...' he made a show of looking confused when in reality he could remember far, far more than he wanted. 'I remember we tried to raid the kitchen... But none of us could remember what turning to take...'

'Gillyweed munchies,' Peter turned to Sirius, nodding his head in conviction, but the dark haired of the two ignored him choosing to glare at Remus, as if monitoring every single word the boy was saying so he could pounce the second he heard something he didn't like.

'I remember Pete trying to get up the girl's staircase and failing miserably,' he scrunched his nose up as he remember another detail. 'I remember trying to do it too for some reason?'

'Ah that's cause Pads said you most looked a girl so could probably get up there and you tried to prove him wrong,' James laughed out an explanation and seemed to think better of laughing when it was clear his sore head couldn't take the noise.

'Yes... well,' Remus fought furiously against the blush which was attacking his skin, 'Thanks for that.'

'S'true,' Sirius drawled and looked away from Remus with a look that bordered on distaste. Like the arrogant heir of the Black family everyone assumed he should be.

The blush from Remus' skin intensified now, but not from embarrassment but from blood boiling rage. How dare he! How dare he look at him like that, speak of him like that as if he was something unfit to even be trod on. It took a few minutes to calm himself down. He counted to twenty and named all twenty four Goblin wars in chronological order in his head before he could turn to address his friend; bring him down a peg or two.

'Why Padfoot, are you sure you don't remember anything at all?' he asked as casually as he could whilst he poured himself a glass of pumpkin juice, 'I'm pretty sure we were awake for a while after these two went to bed?'

The look Sirius gave him could only be described as dangerous.

'Fell asleep,' he declared sharply, clearly trying to end Remus' line of questioning but he wasn't going to be deterred. Remus chose to ignore the curious steam of evaporation which appeared as he breathed.

'No, no,' he lifted the glass of pumpkin juice to his lips and stared at his friend as he took a swig. He was not going down without a fight. 'I definitely remember being up late... Just the two of us...' he continued. Sirius now looked murderous.

'Perhaps you were dreaming?' he suggested with a threatening tone. Still Remus did not back down.

'No, see I remember... Maybe I didn't have as much to drink...'

It wasn't as if he was going to actually say what had happened between them out loud. As far he was concerned he never wanted anyone to ever find out. He hadn't a fucking clue what had possessed them to do... well all that stuff, let alone have other people speculate why it had happened. No. He merely wanted to show that Sirius wasn't the only one who could be a prat about all of this.

'Then maybe that makes a lot of sense,' the dark haired boy bit out with narrowed eyes. 'Dearest Moony, you shouldn't be taking advantage you know....'

Remus' stomach dropped at the insinuation. Advantage? Did Sirius really think he'd taken advantage of him?

'Advantage of what?' came a muffled question from James' toast filled mouth.

Yeah Pads, Remus thought as he kept his cold gaze with the other's icy glare, dare to answer that one.

'Of our drink addled minds,' he sniffed, 'He could make anything up and we wouldn't even know if it was true.'

'I wouldn't do that!' Remus scoffed at his pathetic, evasive reply. Really? How clever!

'It's not like you haven't before Lupin,' Came Sirius' cold retort and Remus wondered how many punches he could get in if he were to leap over the table at his complete and utter arse of a friend. Outraged coursed through him. How could Sirius sling such a low blow like that? Was that his plan? really? If Remus did actually do the unthinkable and told James and Peter what had happened did he plan to discredit him by calling him a liar and then point out how good he was at it? The fucking swine!

Before Remus knew what he was doing he was scraping back his chair and getting to his feet. He really couldn't stand to be there right now. He really didn't know what he'd do to Sirius if another word was uttered between them. Detention would be the least of his worries. He'd make the wolf's more violent mood swings look like puppy play. Azkahban would be the most likely result.

'You alright mate?' Peter looked surprised to see him rise to his feet, 'You haven't even tried to eat anything.'

'Fine thanks,' he replied but kept his eyes on the poker face Sirius was attempting so that he got the message. 'I just lost my appetite,' he all but sneered and moved from the table leaving two out of the three boys baffled as the third just glared after him.

'Why's it snowing?' He heard James question as he walked down the great hall.

-

And so this was how the next few days were to be. Sirius and Remus hopping around one another like two boxers getting ready to take the first punch, to start the match. Things were destined to come to a head at some point. Too much had been allowed to escalate. Like Sirius' absolute refusal to be in a room by himself with Remus. Or the fact that he'd taken to changing in the bathroom now, rather than having the 'Everyone should have the right to see Sirius Black naked' attitude he only days ago had. Meal times had been an exercise in silence from the boy and the only time he really addressed Remus was during class when it was absolutely necessary.

Today's DADA lesson had been particularly horrific when the pair were disastrously paired together to practice shielding spells. Remus had to learn pretty quickly the more advanced protective incantations as hex after hex was fired at him from his so called best friend like a crazed automatic machine gun. He'd walked away from that with a burst lip in the end when the firing had become so heavy he actually had to dive out the way and caught the end of one of the tables on his fall. He'd got his own back when he caught Sirius out with a lasso hex and pretty much pulled his feet from under him. Professor Lexter, after already catching Sirius out with his foul hits, punished them both with an evenings detention.

Which was where they were now.

Remus couldn't help but smirk to himself at the outcome of this particular detention. The pair had been left by themselves, with Professor Lexter obviously having no notion of punishing himself as well as the boys. They were told to come up with 500 hexes and appropriate shielding spells to defend themselves against every one and the bloody sneaky bastard (or bloody brilliant which ever way you looked at it) had placed a spell on the door to only unlock once the task had been completed. So there they were alone, something Sirius has steadfastly being trying to avoid for days now and Remus couldn't help but be a little amused at that.

'What the fuck are you smirking at?' his friend gruffly demanded, clearly noticing how the irony of the situation hadn't by passed him by.

'Nothing,' Remus answered in the most impassive way possible.

'No,' the angrier of the two pressed, 'You obviously find something funny.'

Remus looked at his friend, who was sat across the room from him by several tables. He considered being evasive, knowing how much this would rub his friend up the wrong way but decided to take another path. He decided to point out how stupid Sirius was being.

'Well?' Sirius pushed.

'Well!' Remus exclaimed and gestured around the room, 'Isn't it obvious Pads?.

Sirius merely pulled a face to show that no, it wasn't.

'You've spent the last -what- three days avoiding being alone with me! And now look where we've landed? Oh yes. It's just me and you! I'm surprised you're not having some kind of childish seizure!'

'Oh how very clever!' Sirius rolled his eyes.

'In comparison to how you've been behaving, yes it think it is!' the lighter haired boy retorted before continuing with his assigned task.

He'd completed three more hexes when Sirius spoke again.

'How many have you got then?' he called across the room with absolutely no shame.

Remus turned to look at him incredulously.

'What?'

'Are you fucking serious Pads?' he asked indignantly, 'You've spent the last 72 hours either ignoring me or trying to hex my bollocks off... Oh yeah that's if you're not looking at me as if I'm a piece of shit Padfoot's squeezed out! And you you're expecting to cheat off me?'

'No...I was just wondering how many you had.'

'No! Really? And if I happened to have more than you you weren't going to ask me to tell you them?'

'No...'

'You're a bad liar Pads,' Remus shook his head disbelievingly.

'Yeah and you're a good one!' came the reply indicating he'd raised his friend's heckles.

'So you reminded me the other day...' Remus bit back and then bid himself to calm down. What was the point in starting all this again?

Deciding to take the higher ground Remus chose to get on with his work.

'I didn't mean to say that,' came the sheepish voice from his friend and he turned once again to look at him. 'For that I am sorry,' he continued.

'Oh? Just that?' he fired back, deciding to ignore the rare apology he'd just received and concentrated on the deeper meaning behind Sirius' words, 'You're not sorry for anything else?'

All Sirius could do was squirm in his seat. Fuck it! Remus thought, he might as well get this sorry mess out into the open.

'Sirius...' he sighed. 'Why are you acting like what happened the other night was all my fault? I just don't get it!'

He waited for some kind of response but got none.

'For Christ sakes! Will you grow up and talk to me!' he exploded, 'You'd think we'd fucking taken the dark Mark or something!'

Still nothing.

'Its not the end of the world Pads! So we messed around a bit together!'

'Remus!' his friend groaned covering his face, 'Please don't!'

'No Sirius! We need to talk about this!'

'No we don't, we really, really don't!'

'Not talking about it certainly isn't helping! I don't remember you trying kill me before I wanked you off!'

'Remus!' his friend despaired at hearing his words, 'Why are you so obsessed about this?'

'Because of this!' he gestured at the distance between them, 'I want this to stop. This fucking miserable existence we have between us! I want things to go back to normal! I want my friend back Pads! I want the friend who I could talk to about anything back! I want the friend I could go to when I was scared back! Because guess what? What happened the other night really fucking freaked me out and I have literally nobody to speak to about it! I can't speak to James or Peter cause I know you don't want them to know and I'm pretty sure I don't want them to know. I can't speak to any of the professors because I know what conclusion they'd draw or and I'm pretty certain one of us would be kicked out the dorm. I could never go to my parents about it. Lily... I'm not sure I want her to know either! And it's tearing me up inside! I need to understand what happened. I need to rationalise this and I can't do it just inside my own head cause it's a freaking disaster zone in there now and...'

'Okay, okay, okay!' Sirius called out in order to calm him down, 'I get it! Alright, I get it?'

'Do you?' Remus asked at a loss.

'Yes!' the dark haired of the two sighed as he rubbed his face in frustration, 'I do honestly.

Remus watched as the other boy seemed to contemplate something.

'Alright, you want to talk?' he finally asked Remus, to which he nodded. 'So talk!'

Remus was immediately perplexed. How the hell did he even begin to start this conversation.

'I....' he began dumbly and he could see his friend get restless, 'This really is fucking difficult you know!'

'You're the one who wanted to talk!' Sirius defensively pointed out, 'so talk!'

'Okay... Alright...' Remus stalled trying his best to come up with a starting point but he was pretty sure the only one he could come up would rile his friend. He began anyway knowing at least it would get the ball rolling.

'You kissed me Pads. We were lying on my bed and you pulled me in...'

'Did I?' his friend challenged and he knew this was going to head in the direction of a fight if he didn't make things clearer.

'Yes but I kissed you back! And I don't know why either things happened. Do... Do you?'

He watched as Sirius looked uncomfortably towards the ceiling before shaking his head; turmoil written all over his features, 'I don't know either to be honest. I mean I remember thinking it'd be fun. You know? A lark. Kissings always fun and you were there...'

'So it was spur of the moment then?' Remus grasped.

'Well yeah,' Sirius shrugged, 'And we were drunk. Everything seems like a good idea when you're drunk. You were there... We were both willing I guess and then... Then it went far too far...'

Remus nodded along as he spoke.

'I mean it's not as if we fancy each other right?' he quizzed Remus, meeting his eyes. Then the tone of his voice dropped, 'You don't fancy me Remus?'

Startled by the darkness in his friend's voice Remus flustered a bit before replying, 'No! Christ no! No!'

'Good.'

Because he didn't, did he? That would just be... Weird.

What, as weird as getting off with your mate Lupin, his mind chastised him, yeah polar opposites! Pfft!

But he didn't fancy him! What happened the other night was a mistake. A strange, confusing mistake. When he thought back on it he was filled with regret wasn't he? And it wasn't as if he wanted to do it again?

'Liar!' A tiny little voice crept into his head.

No, he really didn't. Sure he'd found his mind wandering across the event a whole lot more than he'd like to. During class; when studying in the library; when he was lying in bed at night... But surely that was because he was so worried about the whole situation? And yeah maybe sometimes when he got flushed while thinking about it wasn't just because he was embarrassed. Considering the subject matter was it really surprising that his body reacted to the thoughts? He was a teenage boy after all.

Yeah, the tiny voice appeared again, but you're thinking about being with another teenage boy...

Irrelevant! He pushed the thought back. It's not who I was with but what we were doing! Getting off is getting off. That's what's caught his imagination. He was sure the same thing would happen had he been in the same situation with a girl.

But it was with a boy...

Yes, well it was. But it was fine because it was a mistake and there was alcohol and Sirius didn't fancy him and Remus certainly didn't fancy him. It was just...

'An experiment,' Remus concluded out loud.

'Eh?' Sirius' face and voice registered with him making it clear he'd voiced his last thought. Fuck.

'Well we were just experimenting weren't we?' he offered as an explanation, 'Plenty of people do it. It happens all the time.'

'Really?' Sirius lifted a skeptical eyebrow. 'Who exactly does it all the time?'

'Plenty of people,' he repeated now not feeling quite as sure and worried his lip as he tried to think of some examples.

'Well there was Siobhán Glowry and Becky Elinoor behind the greenhouses just before Christmas,' Sirius offered, 'But then again they are girls and it is their duty to perform for the masses.'

Remus thought back to the night in question and realised his friend was right. The two Syltherin girls had clearly been snogging the faces off each other for the entertainment of the sixth year boys who had gathered around the make shift camp fire that night. Although he was more than relieved when something in him stirred when he remembered the incident. Doubts: 0, Remus's barely visible masculinity: 1.

'That was bloody brilliant!' he voiced, finding it wouldn't harm to remind Sirius that he was a cold blooded male just like everyone else.

'And there were those rumours about Gid and that Arthur Weasley's cousin,' he added as he remembered it. Apparently the latter boy had given Gideon a blowie after his last Halloween ball at the school a few years ago. At the time the Prewitt brother had simply laughed it off, claiming what with the other boy's Marilyn Monroe costume and his feminine ways it really wasn't any different to actually getting one off a real girl anyway. He hadn't been ashamed. It had been merely laughed off as another one of the boy's mad escapades. Maybe he and Sirius could do the same.

'Mad bastard!' Sirius smiled in reply and there was a tiny hope that he was feeling the same as Remus.

-

So things started to get better slowly between them. That night the pair had worked out that the spell on the door was likely only to be lifted when both boys had finished their assignments and had worked together on naming the hexes. Within twenty minutes they were freed and they walked back to their dorm in a companionable, if not very slightly awkward silence. Gone were the resentful tones, the dirty looks and the terror of being left alone together and soon enough things started to get back to normal again.

Well, almost.

Ever since the 'incident', as Remus privately called it, Sirius predictably went on the rampage. Not one of punches, hexes and bitter words; but a rampage through the female population of the upper end of the school.

While it seemed Sirius was trying to put what had happened firmly behind him it was more difficult to do for Remus when he was confronted with the sight of his friend snogging the face of some random girl every single day.

'I know what those lips taste like,' he found himself musing as he caught sight of Sirius snogging Daniella Tomilson, the Ravenclaw Seeker, on the stands of the Quidditch grounds.

'I wonder if he kisses her neck like he did mine?' he questioned himself as he walked into the Gryfinddor common room to be confronted with his friend kissing Amelia Cranks, of their own house, into the sofa in full view of the room.

'Does the smell of his hair drive her crazy? He wondered of Pauline Perlinney as she was the next of Sirus' many willing kissing partners as he passed them by in the quad.

This wasn't on. How was someone supposed to forget it ever happened when they were reminded of it at every turn they made. And it didn't help that the whole school had turned even more gooey-eyed crazy for the young Black heir. Ever since Sirius had seemed to lower what had been a very selective taste in girls, it seemed most of the female population had been whipped into a frenzy at the possibility of having a shot with him. In the Great Hall; in the corridors; and even in the library there appeared to be a heightened buzz around the attractiveness of his good looking friend.

Remus was getting fed up of it for more reasons than he could ever really admit to. Even now, as he sat on the Quidditch stands watching James and the boy- of-the-moment (or century as all the fuss would have you believe) Remus could over hear the not-so-subtle conversation of a group of girls sitting a few rows behind him.

'I bet he's fantastic in bed!' He heard one of them giggle and he vaguely recognised the voice as one of the loud mouthed Hufflepuff's he'd once had to partner with in Herbology. The girls had clearly not spotted him on the stands judging by the volume of their conversation. He wondered what they'd do if they spotted him? Then sardonically he wondered what they would say if they knew he knew the definitive answer to the loud girl's speculation.

They'd probably be disgusted just like he was. Because he was disgusted wasn't he? Only certain types of blokes got off with other blokes and he was fairly certain he wasn't like that. He wasn't feminine; not like Arthur Weasley's cousin. He wasn't into girly things either. Sure he had some female friends but he was also best friends with the three most boisterous boys in Hogwarts (he chose to ignore the fact that he had been in bed with one of those boisterous boys). He'd never even had a wank to the thought of another boy (and he chose to ignore that ever since he'd been in bed with that boisterous boy he'd had to force his thoughts from straying to what had happened when he was having one off). This was so confusing!

What made it worse was that he knew with an absolute certainty (that wasn't even being brought on by denial) that he definitely fancied girls. Even since Peter's birthday he found himself still distracted by the few that had always held his fancy. When they looked in his direction he still blushed and when they spoke to him he still became tongue tied. So where did this thing with Sirius fit in?

Looking down on to the pitch he assessed the boy in question. Did he fancy Sirius Black? Well he was certainly good looking, that was a given. Even Professors had to admit to that! But was he attracted to him? He watched as the dark haired boy limbered up on the field. He was stretching his arms this way and that way; flexing his arm muscles in the afternoon sun. He did have a good body, Remus had to admit that and even now he could remember how good it was to run his hands over it... How his lips had felt against his own... The smell of him... The taste of his sweat slicked skin... The weight of him in his hand and the dark, burning dangerous look in his eyes that had spurred Remus on in the first place...

Fuck.

So he did fancy him then? He fancied his best friend. He fancied the bloke who was now zooming low to the ground on his broom down on the Quidditch pitch. He fancied the same person most of the girls in the bloody school did. On that last pathetic realisation he let out a groan. He was a girl after all.

Cruelly, as if they had worked out what Remus had been thinking, he heard the group of girls behind him burst into a fit of laughter and he couldn't stop himself from turning around to look at them. There were four of them; three who were laughing in hysterics and one who sat demurely smiling at whatever had been said. He recognised the quieter girl as Lana from Ravenclaw but knew they'd never uttered a word to one another. He drank in her appearance and took in how, mercifully, how pretty he thought she was. She had long brown hair that was neatly pulled off her face with an Alice band and big brown expressive eyes. Their was something in her whole quiet demeanour that kept him captivated as her friends continued cackling.

'Oh, heads up,' one of the louder girls sobered, 'There's one of his friends.'

Remus offered a quick wave in acknowledgement before turning around to face the pitch again. He was trying to make sense of everything that was going on in his head when he heard the girls giggle again, only this time doing so quieter than the last.

'I see why you like him Lana,' he heard one of the loud girls trying to whisper, 'I never realised his eyes were so golden!'

A whole range of emotions overcame the lonesome boy then. Were they talking about him? Golden eyes? Well Sirius, who had been their previous topic of conversation, certainly didn't have golden eyes and he did. Did... Did Lana - pretty, feminine Lana Graves - fancy him? Surely not?

He was busy contemplating this as the four girls made their way down the steps of the Quidditch stands; blushing furiously as one by one Lana's friends gave him a knowing smile. The girl herself looked just as mortified as Remus felt and kept her face bowed in embarrassment as she passed him. Did she fancy him? Remus just couldn't work it out. Maybe they were just winding her up? Yeah that was it. He was just the butt of their joke. Why would a pretty girl like Lana fancy him?

He was completely convinced of this when to his surprise, when the girls had reached the bottom of the stands the girl in question turned to face him, giving him a small shy wave. Remus' heart done a somersault and he found himself dumbly waving back at her.

Lana Graves fancied him! He couldn't believe it! This was... This was just so... so...

...confusing!


	5. Coming of Age

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus settles into a relationship with Lana as Sirius goes on a rampage through the school and things come to a head on Remus' 17th birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another smut warning! Thank you for the comments I've received. It really does keep me writing. :)

'So Lana Graves eh?'

All Remus could do was nod meekly at Sirius' question. They were standing in the dormitory waiting for the others to appear so that they could head down to dinner together but something seemed to be keeping James and Peter late. Normally Remus wouldn't mind being left with the boy who was now smoking out of the dormitory window but recently things had been a little off between the pair; a little intense.

'I _suppose_ she is quite pretty,' the dark hair boy mused but Remus could detect the underlying judgement in his voice. He took a moment to watch his friend as he gazed out of the dorm window. 'If you _like_ that sort of mousy kind of look.'

'Well I don't think she's mousy,' Remus defended the girl in question with the truth. He thought Lana was extremely pretty. She was natural and extremely laid back. No fuss and that was how Remus liked it. He wasn't like Sirius who went after the brash girls or the over-the-top, in-your-face pretty girls. Plus Lana was clever. She liked books and poetry and best of all she knew how to play loads of cool instruments. On the few dates they had been on Remus had found her really easy to engage with.

'You've not shagged her yet?'

Remus could tell Sirius had meant it as some smart arse statement but their was a hint of curiosity in his voice.

'No, we've only been on a few dates for Christ sake!'

Something in Sirius' whole demeanour changed; he seemed to soften, dropping his indifference routine.

'So you've snogged her then?' he asked more sincerely and moved to sit next to Remus on the bed.

'Well yeah, a few times now...'

'And you enjoyed it?' there seemed to be a desperation to Sirius' voice he was trying to rein in.

'Of course I did.'

What was he expecting?

The pair sat silently watching one another.

'Sirius, why wouldn't I?' Remus finally broke out. Ever since the night of Peter's birthday Remus couldn't help but think that Sirius was always trying to challenge him on the topic of girls. Snide remarks would be made about how he maybe didn't find whatever girl the group of boys were perving over attractive. Or he'd constantly question Remus his opinion on whatever new girl had taken Sirius' interest. It seemed like the topic had consumed him and every private discussion the pair shared.

'No reason,' the raven haired boy answered quickly and seemed uneasy and Remus was fed up with it.

'I do like girls you know?' He decided to address the real problem at hand; the hippogriff in the room. He stared at his friend, eyes unwavering; challenging him to really say what he made of that.

'I know,' Sirius blustered; clearly caught off guard and embarrassed. Remus watched him as he squirmed a little and looked everywhere around the room to avoid looking at him.

'Do you?' The werewolf finally asked him and the evasive boy snapped his head up to look at him and Remus' irritation began to give way to something else completely. Staring at him, Remus realised, was a boy who looked completely lost. He hadn't seen his friend look so worried in a long time (not counting when they were waiting for the full moon to rise; Sirius always looked worried for his welfare then) and in turn he felt a deep concern for him.

'Sirius are you...' He went to ask but was curtly cut off by his friend.

'Of course I know you do,' Sirius replied brazenly to his earlier question; a mask of arrogance now shielding the vulnerable look he only moments ago had in his eyes.

'You know he does what?' The question from Peter announced his presence in the room as he chucked his school bag unceremoniously onto his bed.

'That he likes his bird,' Sirius replied and when the werewolf turned to look at him he found the boy giving him a hard, almost heartless, stare.

'Why wouldn't he?' The newcomer to the room exclaimed with a laugh as he rummaged through his bag. 'He wouldn't be dating her otherwise!'

'Hmm...' The suddenly cruel boy gave him an appraising look from head to toe, 'I suppose not. Anyway!' And Sirius was making his way towards the door, 'Speaking of which I'm meeting the lovely Laurie in ten minutes!'

'Laurie?!' Peter quizzed in surprise, 'What happened with Simone?'

'Got bored of her,' the raven haired boy sniffed and Remus wanted to hit him. He was getting really fed up of his cruel Lothario act of late. The Sirius he was used to, while could be prone to petty cruelty from time to time, was never as heartless as he was being with the female population of the upper school.

'And when you get bored of Laurie?' Remus enquired.

'Then I'll find someone else,' the haughty young man replied casually as he placed a hand on the door knob and pulled it open. 'There's always someone else.'

The werewolf stared after him in disbelief as he exited the room as Peter chuckled, finding his friend's arrogance amusing.  
\---

Remus watched as the raven haired boy kissed Ellie into the sofa, seemingly oblivious that everyone in their group was watching them with a mixture of discomfort, fascination and, in James' case, amusement. How could he do that? How could Ellie let him? Did they both have no shame? Did they really believe that everyone wanted to see them slobber all over one another? Why did they have to make a spectacle out of themselves like that? Couldn't they sit like normal people; just like how he, Lana and James were?

'Maybe you two should go up to the dorm?' James teased them in good nature; grinning at Remus whilst he done so. Remus did not find anything funny about the whole situation. To him it was just another instalment of the _Sirius Black Seduces Anything in a Skirt Show._

The pair pulled apart at the comment. Ellie with a hopeful look on her face at the suggestion. Her kissing partner merely shrugged, 'We're alright here thanks.'

Remus almost baulked at the response. They might have been alright putting on porn show for the rest of the common room but that did not mean anyone wanted to watch it; least of all him.

'Oh heads up,' Ellie said as her eyes focussed on something in the distance, 'Lily Evans keeps on looking over here.'

He rolled his eyes at how quickly James' head whipped around before taking a look himself and sure enough the red head was looking their way until she realised she had been caught.

'She can't keep her eyes off me,' James sighed in contentment when he turned back to face the group.

'She seemed more interested in Remus and Sirius,' Ellie corrected him and the beaming boys face dropped. 'Seemed to be looking between them for some reason.'

'For Christ sakes Prongs, she doesn't fancy us,' Remus bit out on seeing the scowl of jealousy that had now overcome him. 'She's my mate and she thinks he's the biggest prat to walk on the face of the planet.'

'Believe me, the feelings mutual,' he heard Sirius mutter earning him a playful nudge from Ellie. 'Besides I wouldn't want her even if she did,' he began smoothly, 'not when I've got a girl like Laurie here.'

Remus tensed even before the penny dropped for everyone else, well all but Sirius.

'I'm Ellie,' the offended girl recoiled from him.

'Of course you are!'

'You just called me Laurie?'

'Did I?'

'You know you did! God, I knew I should have listened to my friends,' the girl huffed as she got up front he sofa. 'You're nothing but a tart Black!'

'L...Ellie don't be like that!' Sirius had called after her but it was useless the damage had been done.

'Oh ho!' James crowed once the infuriated girl was out of ear shoot. 'Another one get's added to the now infamous Black list! You'll never get a date after she lets all her mates know!'

'We both know that's not true,' the put out boy sneered and then his eyes fixed on something in front of him. 'What's your problem?'

'Nothing,' Lana replied, tightening her grip on Remus' side and Remus found himself scowling at his friend in her defence. 'Just that...' She began tentatively, 'I just think you shouldn't treat girls in the way that you do. It's not very nice.'

Sirius fixed her with a dangerous stare before a cruel smile crept over him, 'Well we all can't be as perfect as Mr Lupin here, can we? Perfect little gentleman he is.'

Hang on, what had Remus done to deserve this?

'Well he treats people a lot nicer than you do,' the girl argued back in his defence.

And there was that stare again, 'I'm sorry,' Sirius spat out, 'You've known him all of three seconds and you're trying to tell me how nice he is? I've known him for the last six bloody years!'

'Padfoot!' Remus found himself admonishing his friend as if he was in his Animagus state. What the hell had Lana ever done to him? Sirius dragged his disdainful gaze away from it's victim and fixed Remus with a look that challenged him to start an argument with him.

'Apologise!' Remus demanded and watched as a callous smile that eerily reminded him of Bella Black overtook his features. The irrationally hurtful boy looked at him for a moment before flickering his gaze towards the girl sat next to him. He looked to be thinking something over and Remus wondered what it was; whatever it was he felt nervous about it. But then something changed. Sirius' smile slipped and he looked to be ashamed of himself. What the hell was going on?

'Sorry,' the boy in question gruffly said to Lana as he got to his feet, 'To you too Moons,' he said a little more sincerely and stalked off without another word.

Remus was left baffled and as he looked at the rest of his friends he saw they too couldn't quite make sense of what had just happened.

-

The mere sight of his friend lying relaxed on his bed; content smile and dishevelled appearance was all Sirius needed for something to snap in his head. It was as if a flood gate of jealousy and anger had been opened and a myriad of biting questions swarmed in his brain desperately bidding for freedom on his tongue. He fought with everything he had to hold them back.

Today was supposed to be a day for them; for the four of them. They were supposed to be celebrating Remus' birthday as a celebration of the friendship they had. Girls were not to intrude on it. They were too complicated and wanted to make things far too civilised for any real fun to be had. No. So they had ruled no girlfriends and no friend's of the female variety full stop.

How quickly that rule was tossed out the window.

True James and Peter had rather spoiled things by getting caught on their way back from Madam Rosmerta's cellar, Firewhiskey in hands but that didn't mean he and Remus couldn't have had a rip-roaring night together. They could have gotten up to mischief on their own as the other two faced the wrath of McGonagall. They could have resorted to the time faithful pranking of the Slytherin common room; or they could have raided the kitchens together. They could have stayed in their own dorm listening to Remus' favourite music and talked the night away. But no, Remus decided to spend his coming-of-age birthday with Lana. Dull as dishwater Lana. As soon as they'd gotten word of James' and Peter's detention Remus had practically bolted to be with the girl, leaving Sirius to fend for himself.

It was never a good idea, leaving Sirius idle like that. Leaving him to stew in his own boredom and anger. Where did Remus get off abandoning him like that? It wasn't sportsmanship like! It completely broke their Pranks before skanks rule (one that, admittedly, Remus had shook his head in disgust at when Sirius and James had proclaimed it, but it was a rule none the less). He'd just fucked off with her without giving Sirius a second thought and then walked back into the room hours later as if nothing had happened!

Well something had clearly happened, Sirius could practically smell it on him. The smell twisted in his gut.

'So you're back,' he declared the obvious with a tone of indifference. He looked down to see a wave of worry pass through his friend's features and took pleasure in seeing it.

'Yeah,' Remus nodded his head, chaffing the pillow underneath it, 'Listen Pads, sorry about that...'

'No need to be,' Sirius declared haughtily as he threw himself down on to the other boy's bed, causing Remus to lift himself up on his arms to gage Sirius.

'It's just that before... Lana had been upset that I didn't want to spend today with her... And I thought since Prongs and Pete were in detention... That you... That I could... I didn't think you'd mind...'

'Why would I mind?' the darker haired of the two shrugged, feigning nonchalance but dramatically declaring the opposite to be true.

'Pads...'

'It's fine!' Sirius lied with a shrug and turned to face his friend, 'So what did the pair of you do? Give you a birthday treat did she?'

A blush spread across Remus's face and neck like wildfire and Sirius wasn't sure whether it was his leering tone or his knack for bluntly pointing out the obvious that had lit it.

'Yeah...' Remus squirmed, looking more anguished than elated about the prospect of talking about such a life changing event.

'How was it?' he pushed on cruelly ignoring Remus' discomfort, 'You better have enjoyed it if she's gone to all that trouble for your birthday. Beats anything we got you! Dunno what I was thinking about with that bloody pocket watch!'

'I liked my pocket watch,' Remus offered quietly but Sirius wasn't listening.

'I dare say it especially outranks the pack of Chocolate Frogs Peter gets you year in year out...'

'Sirius please...'

'Maybe we should tell him to not bother next time if having someone spread their legs for you works just as easy...'

'Take that back!' the other boy snapped angrily.

'Why?'

'Because it's not true!'

'So you're telling me you and Lana didn't have it off tonight? That she didn't finally rid you of the scarlet V?'

The silence spoke volumes.

'I knew it!' he sneered.

'Why are you even being like this?' Remus attacked back at last, 'So I lost my virginity to her tonight? So it's on my birthday? She is my girlfriend you know! You don't have to paint her as some cheap tart! If it were Prongs you'd be thinking of someway of charming our fags into some cigars and be patting him on the back! But no, with me it's all sneers and jibes. I just don't fucking get you at all!'

A small thought at the back of Sirius' head echoed in agreement and it stilled his tongue from lashing back. Why the fuck did he care so much? Remus was right on the account that it would be cause for celebration had it been one of the other boys. But then again Remus wasn't like the other boys was he? And why was that?

The thought dropped heavy in his stomach and extinguished the fire in it.

'Padfoot,' Remus sighed and Sirius turned to note the weary look on his friend's face, 'It's my birthday, alright? And I'm sorry I ditched you like that but can't we just try and enjoy the rest of the night without fighting? It's still pretty early and it's bad enough those two pillocks got caught and aren't here! Please?'

He looked down on the pleading eyes that shone up at him and immediately flooded with regret. What was he thinking? Why was he being such an idiot?

'Sorry,' he murmured uncomfortably and playfully bashed Remus' leg to diffuse the tension. 'So what do you wanna do?'

For the next hour they leisurely sprawled out on Remus' bed as they listened to the birthday boy's favourite records. Sirius wouldn't usually admit to it out loud but he'd always enjoyed Remus' taste in music. He himself was drawn to the likes of the rebellious Rolling Stones or anything frantic, pounding and loud enough to flip a giant V sign to the world. Remus, while also liking this, also appreciated more mellow offerings from the likes of Joni Mitchel or Nick Drake, the latter of whom they were listening to now.

'It's a pink, pink, pink, pink moon...' he smiled on hearing Remus sing quietly along and turned to watch the boy as he, with closed eyes, lowered the cigarette they were sharing to his mouth. For a moment Sirius was transfixed by the sight of him. Had he lain with Lana like this earlier, afterwards? Had he acted so calm and natural with her? Sated? At ease? Sirius doubted it. To everyone who didn't know him, Remus appeared stiff, uptight, controlled. Only those who really knew him got to see Remus undiluted by the pressures of day to day life and Sirius was certain Lana didn't know him nearly as well as he did.

'What?' the boy in question asked on opening his eyes and noticing Sirius' attention was on him.

'Nothing,' Sirius breathed out a laugh on being discovered. Remus continued to look at him suspiciously.

'What was it like?' Sirius found himself blurting out. He half chastised and half congratulated himself on just getting the question out there.

'Wh....?'

'Earlier, with Lana?' the dark haired boy cut in with a clarification. He propped his head on his hand and stared down at his friend, awaiting his answer.

More emotions flitted across Remus' face. His mouth twisted whilst he considered the question before he briefly bit his lip, presumably remembering some of the details. Sirius was even certain he saw the boy grimace for a second before a smile overcame his features.

'Wet,' Remus laughed out.

'Wet?' Sirius repeated, amused at his usually eloquent friend's reply.

'Well yeah. Wet and a bit awkward and slippery...'

'Slippery!' Sirius crowed with laughter. 'Oh what beautiful poetry Mr Moonshine!'

'Shut up!' Remus giggled as he play punched his tormentor, 'So how would you describe it Mr Sirius Mad-shagger Black?'

Sirius considered this a moment before replying. He thought back on the few times he'd actually had the experience himself.

'Well I suppose you're right on all those accounts.'

His first time had definitely been awkward. He'd spent so much time chasing Becca Aterling proving he could bed her to himself that he hadn't really worked out the mechanics of it before hand. And the time with Aubrem Flunt had been another desperate act...

'See not so easy to answer is it!' Remus ambushed him, delighted that the other boy was incapable of describing it.

'True,' Sirius conceded before deciding to push his luck. 'Did you enjoy it?'

'Yes!' Remus answered almost automatically and seemed to frown his disapproval at his desperate reply. 'I mean yeah,' he nodded more cooly now, 'In hindsight I did. To be completely honest I was terrified.'

Something about this pleased Sirius immensely and he couldn't suppress a quick grin.

'But you don't regret it?'

Remus looked up at him now with an unreadable expression. For a brief moment he was confused by it but then something came back to him. It was from the day they had made amends in the classroom when they both had agreed they'd regretted the night they'd shared on this very bed. He wondered if this had triggered in Remus' mind also.

Eventually the boy gave a small shake of the head.

'Does Lana?' he asked in a more playful tone.

'I don't think so...'

'Oh that sure of yourself are you!' Sirius launched himself on Remus, shaking him and generally tormenting his body.

'Yes!' Remus choked out with a laugh as he tried to bat Sirius away.

'Best shag of her life was it!'

'Of course!'

'Did you make her come?'

'All night!' the younger boy good heartedly exaggerated against Sirius' evil, torturing hands.

'Pfft! All night! You were back here too early to claim that!' he pointed out and stilled his movements leaving Remus panting in his wake. He looked down on the flushed state of the boy below him and a memory flashed by his eyes.

'Did you come too?' he now asked without really thinking and noted the teasing in his voice had completely vanished. Remus seemed to notice this too and his expression changed to match, as had the atmosphere around them, something strangely dense had built up in the room. For a long moment Sirius was convinced Remus was going to just ignore him. He became aware of his weight on Remus' body and just as he was about to move he got his answer.

'Yeah,' Remus replied, his eyes never leaving Sirius', 'I came.'

A jolt ran through Sirius then. Something about the tone in Remus' voice and the way he was looking up at him... What he was even describing... Making him imagine...

His thoughts momentarily went haywire.

'Was it better than...?' his next question had came out without even much thought. He had meant to finish it with 'than having a wank?' but for some reason his voice stalled and the unfinished sentenced hung dangerously in the air, taking on an unintended meaning. He could have corrected himself but something in the shocked yet not disgusted look in Remus' face piqued his interest.

'Truthfully?' Remus almost whispered up to him and all Sirius could do was nod.

'It was different... Both times were...' And Remus looked away in shame.

'Still a good present though eh?' he asked trying to bring the conversation back round to a more playful place but failing miserably.

'I still liked yours,' the werewolf ambiguously replied boggling Sirius's mind as to what he meant. It was then that he noticed the positions they had taken during all of this confusing talk. At some point Sirius had brought his leg around to straddle his friend's waist and Remus had let his hands rest on his knees. A few weeks ago Sirius would have been horrified to find himself in this position again but now all he could think about was who else had sat astride Remus like this. Had Lana? Was this how she had seduced Remus earlier on? Had she trapped him like Sirius was now doing? Had her heart raced in the same way as his did? Had Remus' hands gripped at her knees too? Had he looked up at her in the same way he was looking up at Sirius. With a mixture of fear, confusion... Suspense?

A feeling overtook Sirius then and it was one which surprised him. He had expected to feel revolted by finding himself in this scenario again. It had scared him shitless the last time but, no, instead he felt possessiveness. It coursed through his veins and started a fire in his stomach again. He felt an anger that told him to take control of the situation, mark his territory. Who was this girl? Who did she think she was outdoing them all like that? Hijacking his birthday? Giving Remus something Sirius wasn't allowed to? How dare she?

'What?' he watched his uncertain friend ask him, clearly confused by the look Sirius was giving him.

 

'I...' he went to explain but nothing was forthcoming. What was he doing? Was he going to...? His thoughts momentarily stilled when he realised his friend was slowly stroking his knees with tiny movements from his fingers.

'I want to give you another present,' he declared in a low voice, looking down into the half lidded eyes of the other boy.

'Oh?'

'Yeah,' he nodded as he lowered himself down on to him, smiling as he quipped, 'It's better than a pocket watch.'

The last thing he saw as he closed his eyes was Remus smile back at the joke. He felt the other boy tentatively reach up to delicately hold his cheeks before their lips made contact. Each digit dancing lightly on his skin. The kiss was just as gentle, almost chaste until Remus' fingers slid across his face and buried themselves into Sirius' hair, pulling him into a deeper one.

Sirius' eyes threw themselves open as he realised what they were doing again.

'Christ!' he panicked as he pulled abruptly away, leaving a dazed Remus in his wake as he clambered off him and sat with his face buried in his hands.

'Pads,' he heard being called gently over his shoulder as he felt the mattress dip and move. When he peeled his face away from his hands he found Remus perching on the edge of the bed. 'It was just a birthday kiss,' he announced tentatively and Sirius couldn't stop the breath of a laugh that escaped his lungs. This seemed to make Remus smile.

'Just like you'd get off an aunt...' he agreed.

'Hmm... Maybe just in your sick family Pads.'

'Especially in my sick family,' he agreed before joking. 'I can't tell you how many times I've snogged my Aunt Lucretia.'

The two boys looked at one another as they shared a laugh. Remus always looked so... He always... Sirius just liked to see him smile like that. So care free and young.

'So yeah, thanks for that. Although I hope Prongs isn't planning on giving me one too. Or Pete for that matter!'

'It'll be birthday kisses all round,' Sirius absently said as he continued to drink in the sight of his laughing friend

Why did his stomach have to drop like that? Why did the sight before him have to be so... He shouldn't be acting like this. Not with his best friend and especially not with another bloke. He liked girls. He fancied girls. Sure the whole mess that had happened with Remus before had spurred him to frantically prove that to himself but he was certain he did. He was attracted to them. He was... But what he was slowly beginning to realise (despite pushing it away every time it crept up on him) was that he appeared to have feelings, urges, when it came to his very male friend and that just made absolutely no sense to him.

He let out a shuddering breath and turned to face the now worried Remus.

'Pads...'

'I'm fine,' he insisted as he wiped his hands over his face, 'It's fine. It's... well... Except this isn't is it?'

'W...'

'Me giving you a birthday kiss Moony. Me _wanting_ to give you a birthday kiss. It's just not normal is it? Blokes don't do that. Normal blokes.'

'I never thought I'd hear the day Sirius Black considered himself _normal_ ,' the other boy mused with a rakish smile on his face. Sirius wanted to kiss it.

'You know what I mean,' he chose to say instead, 'I'm just not... I still really fancy girls.'

'So do I.'

'I'm desperate to have a go with Angie Podmore. Those fucking tits are amazing.'

'Cracking legs too.'

'So I'm not... y _ou know_... bent...'

'And neither am I.'

'No...' Sirius considered this, 'So that's why this is stupid.'

'Stupid,' Remus nodded in agreement and looked up to meet Sirius gaze.

Barely a heartbeat had passed between them before they had launched at one another; lips finding lips, hands grabbing at skin.

-

It was an hour later when James and Peter finally reappeared at the dorm. Sirius had moved himself from Remus' bed only twenty minutes before and the pair had sat in awkward silence following...yeah _that_...

'Where is he!' an eager James had burst through the door with Peter hot on his heels.

'Remus you fucking stud! I just fucking heard!'

'Heard what?' Remus paled and Sirius prayed that he wouldn't look guiltily over towards him, giving the game away.

'That you're a mad shagger!' Peter announced approaching the ill looking boy's bed to sit across from where their friend had thrown himself.

'Well done mate!' James congratulated him. 'We heard from Pansy Murdoch!'

'Pansy...?' Remus looked dazed and it was clear to Sirius his friend was misunderstanding the conversation.

'Lana's friend,' Sirius called out, helping him back on track and hopefully steering him away from putting his foot in it.

'Oh right...'

'Look at him! You look bloody shell shocked!' Peter crowed. 'So would I be mind. I thought Lana was the kind of girl that'd make you wait months and months: prissy like.'

'No... she's not...' Remus replied somewhat distractedly.

'Did you enjoy it then?' James asked eagerly, 'Did she enjoy it?'

'Where did you do it? Not in here?' Peter impatiently asked as he scanned the room curiously.

Sirius watched as Remus' eyes swept over his own bed uncomfortably before a blush spread over face. It was all he could stand, he needed to get away.

'Toilet,' he announced, excusing himself but only Remus was paying him any attention as the other two boys bombarded him with questions. Their eyes met briefly and Sirius had to look away from the anguish he found in the other boys. He couldn't... He didn't...

He closed the door behind him, letting his body fall back against it and slid to the floor. Letting out a sigh as his body moved downwards against the panelled wood. He needed to get out of there. If Moony had looked panic stricken when James and Petter had first started to interrogate him then Sirius certainly felt it as the conversation went on and on. He couldn't listen to it a second longer. Talking about all that stuff he'd done with Lana not long after they'd done all that stuff together.

'Fuck!' he hissed between his teeth as he squeezed his eyes shut. They had been _really, really_ fucking stupid this time. He hadn't meant for things to go as far as they did. Hell he hadn't really meant for anything to happen at all... But it had... And it definitely went far too far this time. He couldn't believe that they'd... That Remus had let him...

The kissing part had been alright, he supposed. They could have still written that off as them larking around. Sure, he was pretty certain most boys didn't snog the faces off their friends but he could get his head around excusing that... But the _rest_?

They'd ended up kissing one another fervently again; panting into each others mouth and creating heat between each other's bodies. At the time it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. Just like before the friction their rubbing bodies were creating was the biggest turn on ever. Remus just seemed to know where to place his hands, how hard to grind against him...

At some point they lost their tops. He had a vague memory of Remus perhaps removing his first before tugging his own off. The flat planes of Remus' chest hadn't felt as disappointing as one might had thought and he'd even enjoyed it when Remus' mouth had kissed along his own chest. He'd even bit him there several times, he remembered as he absently brushed his own hand against his bicep. It wasn't before long that they could no longer ignore what was going on in one another's trousers. Remus had begun rubbing his palm on the material between Sirius' legs as he scraped his teeth along his neck...and that had felt...good. _Too_ good. Things got a little hazy for a few minutes after that which might have been round about when his friend had unzipped him and had snuck his hand into his trousers. And then he remembered something... He remembered talking around about then.

'Is this what Lana done to you?' he'd panted out as Remus' hand moved against him.

'Yes,' Remus had hoarsely whispered in reply.

'Just like this?' he'd queried and he cringed at the memory of it.

'No,' Remus spoke against his lips, 'She was gentler.'

'And...ah... You liked it? You liked her being gentle?'

'It was alright,' Remus admitted before looking Sirius square in the eyes. 'I wanted her to be rougher.'

And Sirius took that as an invitation. He moved so that Remus' hand fell from his trousers and made quick time of removing his friend's.

'Like this,' he asked once his friend was completely naked and began touching him in the way he'd admitted to wanting. Had they been standing he was sure Remus' knees would have buckled. He worked his fist quickly over the other boys erection and had watched as Remus' nodded his approval; head burying deep into the pillow. His eyes had scanned the body that lay before him then. The pale, scarred skin of his chest, down to the trail of hair that started at his naval sprawled southwards. Remus had always been cautious of his body and Sirius couldn't help but feel sorry for his friend. He understood why, what with all the scarring but the truth of it was that despite the unusual markings carved into his skin, he had a good body. One he was sure others would covet, would long to touch and feel against them. He'd briefly wondered what Lana had made of his friend's scars. Did they repulse her? Were they something she overlooked whilst they'd been at it? Or were they something she found attractive about Remus, something she thought added character to the boy... Just like Sirius did?

'Fuck Sirius... So good...'Remus had then growled out and had pulled him down to kiss him. He remembered the other boy pushing down at his trousers at that point, getting them as far as the base of his hips before Sirius had to rid himself of them completely. And that was them; they were both completely naked. Remus had drank in the sight of him then. He could vividly recall the dark look in his eyes that balanced between lust and complete madness. Had he looked at Lana like this? Completely unreserved? He doubted it again. Remus had told him he had been terrified when they'd had a go earlier. Now he'd looked liberated, unleashed, feral and sexy as fuck.

They'd continued kissing and stroking and licking and biting for a while longer. A complete exploration of one another's bodies. Judging what the other one Iiked and what they didn't like. He'd found that Remus growled with pleasure when Sirius kneaded his arse roughly but hadn't liked it when he'd dipped his tongue into his naval. Sirius had likewise found that although having his earlobe nibbled was actually quite nice, it was when Remus scratched his short nails down his back that really set his nerves on fire. They'd even shared a few jokes along the way.

'I'll never be able to hear Padfoot pant again,' Remus had joked when Sirius had buried his head into the other boys neck doing just that.

'A werewolf that likes to bite,' Sirius had commented ryely when Remus was doing just that down the side of his torso.

So things had been generally quite light hearted (considering) when Remus had pulled his head down and whispered in his ear: 'I want you to do what you've done to those girls... What I done to Lana...'

Sirius had immediately pulled away expecting the look on Remus' face to show him that he hadn't heard right or that he was joking but he just looked at him with smouldering eyes.

'But that means up your...'

'Haven't you always wanted to do that to a girl?' he'd then hoarsely reasoned and Sirius knew he had a point. It was like the Holy Grail of what girls would let you do to them.

'It isn't much different...' Remus had continued.

'Except it is,' Sirius remembered cutting him off, using the last shred of common sense left to him. 'For you it will be.'

'I don't mind,' Remus had then urged him. 'I don't mind if it's you doing it to me Pads.'

And that was the moment where Sirius nearly peeled himself away. He'd nearly gotten up and declared that although he'd had a _very nice time_ , things had gone _far enough_. That doing _that_ was taking it a bit too far. But then Remus had reached up and stroked his hair in reassurance and he'd began taking himself in his own hand and Sirius couldn't look away. He was all of a sudden aware that he wanted more. More! Anything he could take from his friend. And so that was when Sirius had kissed him back hard in reply.

Again things got a little bit hazy. They'd continued kissing then and Sirius remembered trying to work out how the hell they were going to go about doing this. Eventually Remus took the initiative and after slicking his own fingers in his own mouth he'd placed them between his arse. What he'd been doing was mesmerising to Sirius. He'd watched as his friend silently instructed him on what to do with widened eyes before he had the gumption to take over from him.

It had felt tight, that much was obvious. But _really, really_ fucking tight. He'd always been under the assumption that things shouldn't be going up where his fingers were and now he could understand why. How he'd fit anything else up there to get things done he didn't have a clue and judging by the painful expression Remus' face, he probably agreed. He just couldn't understand it. It seemed more like torture than pain to him. On this thought he'd withdrawn his fingers and was surprised when Remus gave him a mournful whine.

'Why'd you stop?'

'It looks painful,' he admitted.

'It is,' his friend nodded, 'But it'll get better. I know it will.'

A small part of his brain wondered how his friend could be convinced of this but another part was far too distracted by the fact that Remus had grabbed his hand and was making him stroke the cleft of his bum.

'Just try again,' he was urged, 'Just _try_.'

And it was the desperate tone in the other boys voice that had won him over. He really, really wanted this. So off he went again, exploring with his fingers, feeling slightly guilty despite Remus' protests. And then suddenly Remus breathing changed. He began taking bigger and bigger lung fulls and began rocking his body harder and harder and Sirius knew this was what he must have been looking for. It was amazing to watch. Remus writhed with every jab of Sirius' fingers and he looked desperately up at him when he could actually keep his eyes open.

'Good?' he'd felt the need to question despite the obvious.

'F...fan...tastic...' Remus had managed to pant out, 'I think... We should try... Now...'

And something about the suggestion panicked Sirius. How the fuck was he... Wasnt he going to hurt...

'Remus I think I might be too big,' he'd voiced his concerns and was surprised when he heard Remus laugh out.

'Let me be the judge of that you fucking ego maniac!'

It dawned on him how this must have sounded and he let out a chuckle and felt his nerves settle a little.

He'd looked at his friend then; lying wanton below him and waiting for him to do things he never thought Remus would ever have any notion for and then silently moved to lie behind him on the bed.

'If this hurts...' he'd warned him as he'd pushed himself flush against his friend's back and began to rub himself against the cleft of his bum cheeks. Remus had said nothing but had reached back to place a hand on Sirius thigh, urging him to rub harder. They'd gone on like that for a while longer and at some point Sirius had licked his own hand and coated himself with it, he now cringed to remember. Then he'd pushed himself forward, pushing himself slowly into Remus...

He let out a stifled moan of horror from his position on the bathroom floor. He'd fucked Remus, he'd fucked his friend... Another boy... That meant something... Something big...

It had been good, he really couldn't deny that. Even bad sex was good he reasoned but there had been something more to this. He could remember thinking all the way through, as he thrust into his friend and Remus groaned in a way Sirius had never heard before, how wrong all this was. They shouldn't have been doing it. It was _dirty_. It wasn't what boys like him, even Remus, did. Yet rather than repulse him it had spurred him on. It had encouraged him to place his mouth down on to the back of the other boys sweaty neck and pant. It had encouraged him to stroke one of his hands up and down Remus' legs. It had encouraged him to keep thrusting into the tight body until finally he couldn't do it anymore. His body had pulsed, his muscles had tightened and he was coming in a mess of shuddering breaths and jerky movements. It had taken a few moments in his cloud fogged mind to realise he was the first to do it; that Remus was still panting for a release so he'd reached around and helped bring him there whilst he was still buried inside him. It hadn't taken much. Soon the other boy was crying out, his muscles spasming around Sirius and he too was fogged over with orgasm.

He remembered lying like that for about a minute or so, still flush against Remus, panting as one together. Their breathing slowly getting back to normal, along with something else... The realisation of what had just happened spread over Sirius then as it must have done Remus judging by the way he pulled carefully away from him without saying a word and just lay there without even turning around. Sirius hadn't known what to do in that moment. As his heartbeat had slowed down from the last ten minutes or so's exertion it began to build up again as panic started to over take him. When he'd been with girls he'd always been able to make some kind of teasing small talk or had kissed them to diffuse any post-sex embarrassment but the thought of doing that with Remus was just so... He just couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't have a clue what to say to this boy he had been friend's with, great friends with, for the last six and a half years...

'Come on Black!' an abrupt bashing of the door he had leant against frightened him out of his thoughts then. 'What are you doing in there? Having a wank? I need the flaming bog!'

The voice of his friend startled him into realising just how long he'd been hiding out in the bathroom for.

'Just give me a second,' he called out hoping his voice sounded normal as he scrambled to his feet. He let his hand rest on the handle for a moment as he tried to compose his thoughts and prepared to prove to himself; to his friends and to anyone who gave a fuck just how normal he could be.

-

Remus climbed out of the bath with his skin a deep pink and sensitive from the scolding temperature he'd been bathing in. It had been a miracle that he was now stepping on to the safety of the bathroom rug considering he'd been contemplating drowning himself at least three times in the last fifteen minutes. To say this had been a bizarre and embarrassing coming-of-age birthday would be a major understatement. What other boy could say he had lost their virginity to his girlfriend and then lost it again in another way to his male best friend both on his seventeenth birthday? Nobody he knew, he wagered. He cringed on the last thought. He and Sirius... They'd had sex... Proper sex... Where he'd let Sirius... Up _there_...

The whole memory consumed him with confusion and anxiety and even shame.

Towelling his body quickly, he then walked up to the bathroom mirror and swiped a hand over the condensation that lay there revealing himself. He inspected what looked back at him. It looked like the same boy. He had the same pale face but there was a grey tinge to it; perhaps from fatigue and worry. His eyes were still the same golden colour but if you looked closer they were dulled a little; they were anxious and unfocussed. Yes he was still the same boy but he could see the underlying differences and he certainly could feel them.

Remus still failed to make complete sense of what had happened between he and his friend earlier in the day. So yes, they had kind of gone there before but that had been chalked down to alcohol and messing around and generally hormones. But tonight? Had any of that really been a factor? Hormones probably but they had been sober and despite their earlier spat emotions had generally been stable. They'd been relaxed and been having fun and then...

Alright so he'd be lying if said things between he and Sirius hadn't shifted on some level since they'd messed around on the night of Peter's birthday. They'd initially fallen out and tensions were wrought between them for a few days but since making up they'd been closer than before. Remus had put it down to over compensating for the fall out they'd had but was it something more?

He even put their first encounter down to him having a little crush on Sirius. Who wouldn't really? He was impressively good looking and he doubted that there weren't a few boys within the school who found his best friend attractive. With his good looks which bordered on beautiful was it any wonder? He could give most of the girls in the school a run for their money with his aristocratic features not that Sirius was girly in any way. His elegance was hardened and masculinised by his grey, sometimes steely, eyes and his harsh tongue.

And if he was honest and really thought about it he could admit that he'd become hyper sensitive to the actions of the other boy. He noticed a lot more things about him; minute things. Like how his lips always quirked whenever a professor said anything that could remotely be taken out of context. Or how he always licked his fingers after eating toast with jam but never if it just had butter on it. If he was honest he'd become fascinated by the other boys hands; especially when he observed him holding hands with whatever girl was taking his fancy at the time and sometimes, if he was even more honest, he could remember how those hands had felt on him and how good they had felt...

Maybe tonight shouldn't have been such a surprise then? Maybe the fact that it was taking him this long to register these feelings should be instead? So what did that mean? Did he...? Was he...?

'Fuck!' he groaned as he dragged his hands over his face as the implications of what all this definitely meant dawned on him. He was very attracted to his friend; his male friend. A boy. Another guy. Another Marauder. If anything that was was blindingly obvious; the two encounters they had shared paid testament to that! He'd wanted him to do those things tonight. He had craved it. He'd been desperate to be fucked. He'd enjoyed that kind of sex. A lot. And now that he'd had it he knew within his heart of hearts he'd want it again.

With that realisation suddenly draining him of all energy Remus began getting ready for bed; wincing slightly from the pain between his bum cheeks as he put on his trousers. He'd deal with everything in the morning. Tonight he just wanted to fall into unconscious oblivion.

Making his way through the dormitory he gave a silent thank you that the rest of the boys were in bed; all he wanted was to get through the rest of his birthday with as little fuss as possible. There had been too much of that today. He was nearly at his own bed when he heard movement coming from the one next to his; Sirius'. So he wasn't the only one awake after all. Was the other boy hiding away from him? Too scared to face him?

They'd ruined everything hadn't they? The realisation and thought of what this was going to do their friendship began to overwhelm Remus and without warning the whole day's events finally caught up with him and he could feel tears well up in his eyes. He couldn't let this happen. He just wanted things to be right.

'Sirius?' He called out and tried to control the wavering in his voice. He waited for a moment and almost walked away thinking no reply was going to be given but eventually one came.

'Yeah?' His friend responded gently.

Sniffing back tears that threatened to fall Remus mustered up all the courage he had.

'Please don't hate me,' he pleaded hoarsely.

And again there was another long pause.

'I don't hate you Remus,' came the quiet reply.

Standing in the dark room, the werewolf nodded dumbly to the words of reassurance despite the fact nobody could see him. He didn't feel very reassured at all.

Then Sirius spoke again, quietly still, 'G'night mate. See you in the morning.'

'Night,' the upset boy sniffed and wondered how true that was.


	6. Of Liking Girls...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius knew who he was, didn't he? Despite Remus' assertions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go. I apologise that Sirius is being an overall twat in this story. Fun, good natured Sirius should be making an appearance soon. Let me know what you think! :)

Sirius had never known for food to taste so bland. As he placed the piece of bacon he'd been toying with for the last five minutes into his mouth he almost immediately wanted to spit it back out. He wasn't sure whether it was the food or the fact that he felt sick with exhaustion but he did know that he couldn't stomach another bite.

Sleep had completely alluded him last night. He'd lain awake all night in his bed as the activities he'd been up to in his friend's bed replayed in his mind over and over again. Oh Christ, what had they been _thinking_? They'd really gone and done something stupid this time and Sirius knew it was all his fault for initiating it (again) in the first place. What the hell was wrong with him?

He thought back to the previous afternoon and cursed himself for his pettiness and jealousy. Why oh why couldn't he just let the matter slide? So Remus had pissed off with his girlfriend without you? Big deal Black! So he'd had sex with her while you were sat alone in the dorm? Who cared?

You did, he thought and his stomach churned. The thoughts of all those things had driven him completely wild; driven him to do completely irrational things like kiss his mate in the first place. Warily stealing a look at Remus down the breakfast table he couldn't quite believe what he had allowed to transpire between the pair of them in his friend's bed. He'd kissed that boy, that one sitting right there, and more. He'd touched him; seen him naked; fucked him as if it was the best idea in the world...

Moving his eyes closer to his position on the table he looked at his other friend, James. Did he want to do those kind of things with him? He studied the boy's face. Did he want to kiss those lips; the ones that were currently being bombarded fervently with pieces of toast and marmalade; the ones which had impressed him with so many different curse words on their first day of school that it had sealed a friendship of a lifetime? He really thought about what kissing James meant. It would mean being up so close to the boy that they'd be sharing one another's breath; it would mean sliding his tongue into that often vulgar mouth of his; it meant threading his hands through his mental hair and pulling him closer and closer until he couldn't take it anymore. Did he really want to do those things with James?

A shudder of repulsion ran through him. No. That would be like kissing Regulus, only worse because he and James were in fact a lot closer. Relief washed over him and he turned his attention to Peter. Could he imagine doing any of those things with his stout friend? His brain shouted an emphatic 'No!' right away. Poor Peter, he thought and then caught himself; that was the exact answer he'd been hoping for anyway.

But why Remus? He regretted all things they had done together yesterday but he couldn't deny that he hadn't wanted to do them at the time, in the heat of the moment. His stomach churned on that thought too and he felt dizzy. No! He'd just need to make sure that it never, ever happened again. That couldn't be too difficult right? He could keep himself from wanting to shag another boy again especially when he had the pick of the finest girls in Hogwarts to keep him distracted - no not distracted - busy.

Because he was Sirius Black right? He was one of the most desired boys in school and he wasn't a flaming poof, was he? He wasn't bent! He wasn't feminine or prissy or perverted (well at least only in the girl obsessed way he was better known for). He was apparently the Lothario of the upper school and he had a reputation to keep and an obligation to fill when it came to all those girls who were chasing him...

Hs stomach lurched again.

'You alright there Pads?' A voice woke him from his thoughts and he found James to be frowning at him in concern over his pumpkin juice.

The boy had barely spoken a word all morning, James had noticed, and looked like he was going to throw up any second now. 'You look a bit...ill?'

And the spaced out look he held in his eyes as he turned to face him wasn't at all like the sharp witted pal he was used to seeing in the mornings either, 'What?'

James turned to his fellow Marauders to check if they were as concerned as he was with the usually gregarious boy's behaviour. Peter offered him a creased brow as he bit into his sausage and Remus... Remus...

'You don't look too well either Moony,' James observed. 'Maybe there's something going around?'

'We're fine!' The second pallid boy blustered as he stared down into his cereal and furtively inspected the contents.

'Right,' the questioning boy nodded slowly quite clearly not convinced but not wanting to push the subject. Something was going on; that was for sure. Just as he had decided to let the matter rest for just now and turned his attention back to the Daily Prophet's Quidditch section he heard a chair scrape back from the table, bringing his attention back to Moony again.

'I need to go to the library... I need to finish my charms essay,' the agitated boy announced as he gathered up some of the school books he'd had placed around around his breakfast. At the time he had sat down James had mused that it had looked like his friend was trying to build a fort around him with them; an impenetrable wall of distraction against the rest of the school's morning routine. Then something occurred to him.

'But you finished it yesterday morning? When we let you have some uninterrupted study time as a birthday treat?'

'Then my transfiguration one then!' He snapped unexpectedly.

Peter, who really should have known better, added fuel to his agitation, 'That's not due for days?'

'Well some of us want to make sure we're better known for being adequately competent Wormtail!' The werewolf barked cruelly. Peter only stared back owlishly. 'I'm sorry,' he quickly sighed, cringing somewhat also.

'S'alright,' the verbally abused boy drawled indifferently but his feelings had clearly been hurt.

'No, I am, really,' Remus tried again sincerely as he shoved the last of his books into his bag. 'I just... I just need to get to the library. I didn't mean to be short with you.'

'Well I'm used to being short,' Peter cracked the old joke they all made about his height in an attempt to diffuse any awkwardness and offered him a lopsided smile.

'I'll see you all later, yeah?' Remus said in a way of goodbye and all but Sirius missed how his eyes anxiously glanced briefly towards the Ravenclaw table. He waited until the boy had made off to leave the hall before he looked up, under his fringe, in the same direction. Just as he suspected, there she was, Lana just sitting down to breakfast with a group of her friends. A feeling of uneasiness overcame Sirius then; or was it shame? She was Remus' girlfriend after all and last night he'd went on a mission to out do her in a fit of jealousy. Was it any wonder Remus appeared hell bent to avoid her this morning? Sirius just hoped his friend didn't do anything stupid to atone for his guilt.

-

It was some hours later, after dinner time, when Sirius' fears were met. He'd been sitting in the common room with Peter going over the new star charts they'd been given in astronomy when the relative peace of room had been shattered by a commotion making it's way down the stairs from the boy's dormitories.

'Lana please!' Remus' voice had been heard pleading before the aforementioned girl came into sight storming down the stairs with her boyfriend hot in pursuit. Her usually clear complexion was red and blotchy and her dark eyes were watery and Sirius' whole body tensed in realisation of what was happening.

'I don't want to hear it!' The usually docile girl raged as she continued her fast journey down the remaining stairs and few stray first years jumped out of her way.

'Please! I honestly didn't mean for things to happen this way! I never wanted to hurt you!'

'Oh please spare me this nonsense!' She rounded on him at the bottom of the stairs. 'Don't insult my intelligence by offering me that cliché! It makes me feel as sick as looking at you does!'

'Lana...'

'No! Okay?!' She barked at him in anger. 'I thought you were different than this Remus! I thought you were better but the truth is that you're exactly like you're imbecile friends! I would _never_ have... gone out with you had I known! You're no better than that Black,' she spat out Sirius' name with revolution, 'The pair of you don't deserve any girl!'

'I'm not like him!' Remus tried to argue. 'You've got me wrong!'

The slap of her hand against his cheek had the same affect on the room as a clap of thunder and Sirius found himself getting to his feet in response ready to protect his friend.

'You disgust me! Stay away from me!' She warned him and she began making her way towards the portrait hole, presumably to the safety of her own common room, with tears streaming her cheeks.

As the rest of the Gryffindor eyes followed the upset girl's path from the room, Sirius' stayed on his friend. In the wake of her anger, Remus had slumped against the wall next to the stairways entrance looking utterly dejected and full of regret.

'What the bloody hell has he done?' Peter asked by Sirius' side looking every bit as gob smacked as he sounded.

Sirius had a pretty good idea and the thought of his friend telling the girl he had just clearly dumped the exact reason for him doing it panicked around his head.

'I dunno,' he lied. 'I'll find out. You stay here.'

-

'You broke up with Lana?' Sirius followed his friend into the dorm in an angry stride. 'Why would you do that?'

The followed boy let out a weary sigh and scrubbed at his face in frustration.

'I don't want to talk about this,' he warned in a low growl; one argument was enough for him today.

'I can't believe you'd cast her away like that! You were getting along just fine!'

Remus couldn't believe his ears and spun around to look at the boy, 'Why do think I broke up with her Sirius?' He asked, not angrily like he felt, but softly.

'I...you...?' Sirius tried for a reply but came up short.

'Because I cheated on her,' the werewolf reminded him firmly.

'That?' His friend asked him incredulously as if it was the most inconsequential thing in the world. 'Remus that wasn't cheating, it was a mistake!'

'Well in my book it was cheating; mistake or not! Some of us have a conscience when it comes to those kinds of things Pads!'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Come off it! You seem to thrive on treating girls like shit! As if it proves you're the big man of Hogwarts!'

'Oh not this again! You sound like bloody Lana! And Evans to boot!' Sirius' anger flared at the accusation that was being made to him him far too often these days. So he liked to have a little fun? It wasn't his fault other people didn't seem to understand the concept.

'They've got a bloody point though, haven't they? And... and now you and me...' Remus began in despair, pushing himself to sit back on the edge of James' bed, but was interrupted.

'I told you last night I don't hate you,' his friend forcibly reassured him. 'I meant it.'

'But things are still different aren't they? How can they not be?' Remus continued in desolation with his head in his hands. 'We... We went to bed together!'

Sirius cringed at the outright acknowledgement of what they had done together.

'And it's completely fucked up my head Sirius! I... I don't know what to make of all of this! Alright? On one hand I know I fancy girls, without a shadow of a doubt but on the other I know that I liked what you and I did last night. I liked... I liked that you were different from a girl, not that my experience with them has been overwhelming or anything...'

'You enjoyed it?' Sirius appeared gobsmacked. How could he admit to such a thing so openly without any shame?

'Yes,' the golden haired boy gave a small yet firm nod but looked world weary. 'I did. Didn't you?'

For a flicker of a second the real answer to that question was on Sirius' tongue but something stronger than the truth held him back from saying it.

' _No_ ,' he eventually refused.

'No? _Really_?' Remus crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow in challenge to his denial.

'Really,' Sirius tried again with a lot more conviction. His body language read utter defiance but his mind was a complete mess. Voices rang out competing for prominence; some called him a liar; some a coward yet there were a few that told him steadfastly that he was doing the right thing. It was the latter he took as the voice of reason to abide by.

'So you're telling me that you stayed in bed with me all that time and done all those things with me and not for one tiny second did you enjoy yourself?' his fried asked with a look of utter disbelief. 'You're telling me that? You're _really_ telling me that when you could have gotten up at any time, when you could have chosen to walk away from it? Because I was there and that's not the impression I got.'

Remus fixed him with a hard stare and waited for his answer. Sirius stared back in the hope that his bravado would be all the answer that was needed but the longer those golden eyes lingered on him the more his conscience gained strength. He hated lying to Remus. He didn't like to make him out to be a fool when he was anything but.

'Well maybe a little...' He conceded quietly; a blush blooming on his face for his own audacity to admit to such a thing.

'So you did enjoy it?' Was that hope in the other boy's voice? Sirius' conscience gained more ground and he felt awful.

'Yes! Alright! Yes I did! Satisfied?' He admitted angrily before the fight dropped out of him in despair. 'I'm not gay Remus,' he refused.

Because he wasn't. End of.

He looked back at his friend and wondered about the relieved look on his face. 'I'm not gay either,' Remus confided gently.

'You mean you like girls too?' Sirius quizzed him in confusion; hadn't he just admitted to enjoying sex with a bloke? Didn't that mean something? Perhaps it didn't? After all Sirius had liked it but that didn't mean a thing. Not. A. Thing.

'Yes,' the werewolf replied earnestly as he got to his feet. 'And I've been thinking about that and I think that maybe, there's a possibility, that we're - you know - Bi or something. Loads of rock stars are and nobody gives a shit. That'd explain the other night and why we liked it...'

For a dizzying moment all the voices in Sirius' head called out in alarm at the suggestion.

'No, no, no Remus! I don't think you're getting me here. I like girls and I'm not gay! I'm certainly not Bi! I like girls, period!' His friend looked taken aback by this outburst but he didn't care. 'What happened the other night was a mistake. A BIG one, alright? And I don't ever want it to happen again!'

'But...' Remus was at a loss.

'No buts!' He was told fiercely, 'Enough of this bisexual nonsense okay! We both like girls, isn't that enough?'

'I...'

'Now let's just get back to normal, eh? Lets just pretend none of this ever happened because as far as I'm concerned it didn't. We're best friends, okay?'

Remus seemed to be studying him for a moment before a resolved look over came the werewolf. It was a look Sirius privately detested being the recipient of.

'Alright Padfoot,' he nodded resolutely, 'If that's what you want then that's fine.'

'It is,' he simply nodded and for a brief moment he wondered who he was trying to convince here, 'And who knows, maybe Lana will take you back?'

Yeah. If Remus could only get back to acting normal then surely it'd make it ten times easier for Sirius to fall into the same pattern?

Remus narrowed his eyes at him and began shaking his head, 'That's not going to happen,' he said and there was that tone again; almost angry yet restrained.

'You never know?' Sirius tried to feign hopefulness but had a feeling he wasn't succeeding; he hadn't exactly been Dull Lana's number one fan had he?

His friend let out an angry huff of frustration and began to pace the room, 'Yes I do because I have no intention of getting back with the girl I cheated on and leading her on a merry chase. _You_ might be okay with treating girls like shit Sirius, but I certainly don't! But since we're not speaking about it I'll just leave it at that shall I?' He came to a halt, all fight draining from him. 'Listen, I'm going to the library. I just... I just need some time alone...'

'Don't be like that Moony,' Sirius sighed knowing full well how he sounded; he'd used that line on one of the girls he'd offended in front of his friends only a few weeks ago. He felt like an utter cad for using it now.

Remus stopped on his way to the door but didn't turn around. With his shoulders tensed, Sirius poised himself for an explosion of anger but was surprised when a much gentler tone came from his friend.

'Well at least you got my name right,' he laughed humourlessly as he shook his head and there was a sadness in his eyes that tugged at Sirius in ways that was making him inwardly despair.

'You know I never thought you'd be one for denial and avoidance,' Remus admitted his tone bitter and his eyes downcast, 'But there you go.'

'I have nothing to be in denial about,' he shrugged in fake nonchalance but wanted to bash himself about the head for the way he was behaving. He had no choice though, he knew that.

'Don't you?' And the fact that Remus was completely unconvinced couldn't have been anymore obvious. Heaving out a sigh of disappointment, the golden haired boy gave him one last pitying look before turning his back on him and something in Sirius' chest ached. He was too ashamed to do anything but watch him leave the room.

He was a fucking cad after all.


	7. A Friend in Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius try to get things back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmm.... I tried to make this chapter better but meh... :-/

Chapter 7: A Friend in Need

 

Remus peered between the parchment in front of him and the open textbook on top of the desk. Why wasn't any of this making sense? He was sure he had all the correct numbers in the correct sequence yet there was something not quite right and not for the first time he regretted taking the Advanced Arithmancy course a year earlier than was strictly necessary.

'I don't think I'm doing this right,' he turned to the red haired girl who sat beside him in the library. 'Nothings making sense.'

Lily turned from her own homework and peered at the scribbled numbers on the unknown werewolf's parchment and after scanning it a few times seemed to find the problem, 'You've written three and two down in the wrong order,' she pointed out kindly with a patience unknown to the rest of the Marauders. She usually only reserved utter contempt for the other three boys.

On having it pointed out to him Remus could now see the obvious mistake and why his Arithmancy problem hadn't worked out, 'Cheers,' he smiled back, feeling a little foolish for the silly mistake that had been troubling him for the last ten minutes, but grateful all the same. He quickly amended the mix up and continued onto his next equation. He was fervently working through it when he noticed that his friend was no longer paying her own work any attention. Instead it was on him.

'What?' He asked curiously, never really comfortable under the scrutiny of others.

'Nothing,' Lily protested as she shook her head and started flipping through the pages of her textbook idly, 'it's just that, well, I've been thinking. You know what Lana said about you in the common room last week wasn't true right?'

Remus shifted uncomfortably. He wasn't one for airing his private life in front of the entire school; not like some of his friends and that particular incident had been played out for all to see much to his horror, 'yeah, well...'

'You're nothing like Black!' Lily protested. 'I'll admit I don't know what happened between you and Lana and if you don't want to tell me that's your business but I know with an almost certainty that you're nothing like Black. You'd never be capable of doing some of the things that boy's done. She had no right saying that. You're too good Remus.'

And his level of discomfort increased to the point where he could feel an embarrassed blush creep over him, 'Well you've got too high an opinion of me,' he squirmed. 'Trust me, she had every right to fly off the handle like that.'

His friend looked at him with a mixture of concern and curiosity, 'I'm sure that's not the case.'

'Oh but it is,' he replied mournfully and stared down onto his parchment. One week later and he still felt utterly wretched for the way things had ended with Lana. She hadn't deserved to be treated so badly, whether or not Remus had meant to.

The pair sat in thoughtful silence until Lily spoke up again, 'I know you broke up with her because of Black. That much is obvious.'

'What?!' Remus blustered in panic, nearly spilling his ink pot all over table. 'I... I don't know what you're on about!'

His mind raced as he tried to work out how it was even possible for her to know about what had happened between him and his best friend. He hadn't told a soul and by the way Sirius had been after everything he was certain that he'd rather die than let anyone know. Had someone overheard them when they'd had the argument? Was Lily just that perceptive? Were other people?

'Come on Remus?' She tried to coax it out of him. 'I know he's got something to do with it. You and Lana were getting on fine and all of a sudden you break up with her. It was no great secret that he wasn't exactly her number one fan. He was downright horrid to her! And I know what you're like; what the four of you are like. For some reason you all put the other three before anyone else even if its not right; even if it means being miserable yourself.'

Relief washed over the boy before something akin to annoyance did. While he was more than glad the girl hadn't worked out the real reason for the break up he was a little frustrated at the conclusion she had drawn. 'Everything I do doesn't revolve around Sirius, or the others for that matter,' he replied curtly despite the fact Sirius had played a pretty major role in what had happened. 'I wouldn't break up with someone just because one of my friends didn't like her.' No, he'd break up with someone because he liked one of his friends. That was the truth of the matter really. He chose not to disclose that piece of information for his own embarrassment over that painful fact.

'I just don't understand what went wrong then?' Lily sounded baffled that she could be wrong; she blamed most of Remus' misfortune on the other boys and usually she was right. Annoyingly.

'I cheated on her, okay!' He replied a little more hotly than he'd meant to and the girl looked absolutely stunned at the revelation. 'So I'm not as saint like as you'd imagined and I guess I'm a lot more like Black than both of us realised!'

There was a silence as Remus sat trying to calm himself down, regretful of his outburst, and Lily looked utterly shell shocked.

'I... I can't believe it...' Lily replied, her green eyes blinking rapidly. 'Why... Who with... I...?'

The golden haired boy covered his face with his hands in frustration. He hadn't meant to blurt that out but something about the way his friend made him out to be all virtuous when he was far from just didn't sit right with him. True she hadn't known he would do such a thing and until it happened neither had Remus. He had always been respectful of others people's feelings and had frowned in disapproval when his friends or anyone else for that matter toyed with other people's affections. Treat others how you'd like to be treated yourself, that's what he had always believed in, and he had treated Lana like dirt all because he couldn't control himself with his friend. If he was honest with himself he had no business starting anything with her in the first place; not when he was so confused in his own head. In short, he'd been a complete idiot.

'Please don't make me tell you,' he begged her softly in shame. He wasn't ready for all that would come with admitting to someone what had happened and how it had changed him; even if he was certain Lily would probably be the most sympathetic person to tell. He just... How could he define what had happened to her when he wasn't one hundred per cent sure himself? And to admit to being with Sirius to Lily, well... She'd just consider him to be one of the loathed boy's poor conquests wouldn't she? And he really didn't want that pity...

Then again having someone to talk to about it all that wasn't completely in denial about the whole situation might have been cathartic?

'Remus,' the redhead placed her hand over his tenderly and when he looked at her the concern written on her face was almost powerful enough to make him spill his secret, 'if you don't want to tell me that's fine but it seems to have you all upset. Are you okay?'

Was he? Just because he had worked out that he liked boys as well as girls and had come to terms with the fact in some small way didn't necessarily mean he was alright. He wasn't stupid. He knew that blokes who were gay or at least liked other blokes sometimes didn't live the most carefree lives. He knew the bigotry and prejudice they faced on a daily basis; what he was likely to face if people found out. He knew he'd be subjected to bullying from the other boys at school; treated as a freak and possibly even ostracised because of it. And yes he knew that was going to happen as soon as he graduated from school when his name was placed on the Werewolf Registry so what was an extra year of acceptance?

In truth, it was everything. Hogwarts had been a place where he could be normal just like everyone else and the only threat of animosity shown towards him was usually due to rival houses; just like everyone else. Yes, he'd never be as accepted as he was at school and he was desperate to cling on to that especially when he knew it wasn't going to last much longer anyway.

Then again he was never one for denial and he knew better than anyone you couldn't change something that was a part of you how ever much you wanted to. Yet, was this really anything he needed to shout from the rooftops? As far as he was concerned there was no registry for sexually ambiguous teenage boys these days, was there? He didn't need to commit his name to that for all to see.

'I will be,' he promised her, 'but I'm just not ready to tell you or anyone just yet.'

The girl stayed silent but gave a nod in understanding; her eyes even shone with it and for a moment he wondered if she did in fact know the truth without really knowing the facts.

'So,' Lily begun, breaking the moment. 'What do you make of question five? It looks like a right bugger to me,' she announced and turned back to her page. The sense of thankfulness Remus felt towards the girl made him smile fondly to himself; he could always count on her not to push things he was uncomfortable with and in that moment he vowed as soon as he was ready to she would be one of the first he'd confide in. She'd earned that at least.

-

'Hello class!' Professor Laurel proclaimed as he flounced into the room; all lilac robes billowing behind him and candy floss hair.

Remus hated Divinations, he truly did but with Potions out of the question at NEWT level due to his inability to to brew anything but a sodding cup of tea it was the only class left available for him to take in this time slot of the sixth year schedule. He hated how airy fairy an affair the whole subject was. When most saw a hearts and acorns in their tea leaves, he often saw random shapes that could at push be interpreted as skulls or crosses; just as long as you squinted your eyes in the right way when you looked into the cup. It didn't help either that the textbook gave him the absolute creeps. Right there on the cover of Unfogging The Future was a depiction of something that was to control his future for the rest of his life; a big, fat full moon. He shivered every time he caught sight of it when he took the book from his bag. It would be eerie if it wasn't tragic that the front of the textbook was the only thing to predict anything remotely connected to his future.

It wasn't all bad mind, it was one of the few classes that all four of the Marauders took together. His three friends had long worked out that it was an easy class to take with James often proclaiming it as his favourite subject; if only because his penchant for larking about and bullshitting the Professor was actively encouraged. Peter enjoyed it just as much due to the fact that the subject seemed to be extremely popular with female students thus making the boys vastly outnumbered to the fairer sex and this was where he could lay down his 'sensitive Marauder' act with some of them. Sirius appeared to take a similar stance to subject as James; his penchant for over dramatics was greatly engaged when he made up his dire predictions of the future. Yet mostly he appeared bored by it; finding the fact that he could easily get away with messing about far less appealing than when he wasn't supposed to be.

'I sensed there would be a few latecomers to the class so I made sure to account for this in my preparation,' Professor Laurel announced, 'So class will start in several minutes when Mr Potter and Mr Black arrive. I know they're only moments away from joining us. In the meantime I'm going to pass out the Crystal Orbs!'

Remus wanted to bash his head against his textbook or better still bash Professor Laurel's with it instead. James and Sirius always arrived late to the class knowing fine well they could get away with it.

'The boys will arrive when they are destined to,' the Professor had announced to the class on the topic of their tardiness on the first day of class and on hearing about it they had taken it as a free pass to arrive whenever they saw fit.

Right on cue (and obviously at the moment Professor Laurel had foreseen in his mind) the two late boys graced the rest of the class with their presence.

'Afternoon Professor!' James beamed as he chucked his bag first next to and then himself down onto the beanbag next to Peter. Sirius pretty much copied his friend's actions, only doing so on the beanbag next to Remus.

As he sat Remus got a waft of cigarette smoke and pieced together that the pair had decided that having a quick smoke was indeed destined to happen before they made their way to the north tower. Remus ached as he breathed in the smell; it wasn't that he was a particularly heavy smoker but he had taken to smoking a bit more in the last few weeks than he usually partook and on smelling the smoke on his friend he craved one now.

It perhaps should have hurt a little that he hadn't been invited along for a cigarette before class but he didn't take it personally. Things in the last few weeks had been a bit strained between he and Sirius since, well that, but they we slowly getting back to some kind of normalcy; or some version of it at least. Sure their conversations at times were a bit stilted and things were awkward when they were left alone together; and it still hurt and confused Remus whenever he remembered back to their conversation on the night he had broke things off with Lana. And yes Sirius didn't come to him anymore with his secrets or musings or for a general chit chat. He was no longer the recipient of his long, easy smiles or the pats on his back or his affectionate neck squeezes but everything was kind of okay when they were with the other two lads. Yeah, things were better...

'Professor!' James raised his hand, 'You've neglected our balls!' He cried out in mock despair as he pointed between himself and Sirius. The latter of the two boys fought hard to cover his snort of laughter and even Remus had to suppress his grin at his friend's innuendo.

'Have I my dear boy?!' Professor Laurel exclaimed on seeing the pair were in fact without Crystal balls and moved to place one in front of each of them. Satisfied that his class were adequately equipped the mad cap professor began his lesson. 'So today we're going to be looking into our future using our orbs once again. Now I really want you to try and take a reading from your balls,' Remus was certain that whole class interpreted James' cough as an ill fitted disguise for hiding the little laugh that escaped his mouth at that. 'I want details class! The more specific the better! After all the devil is in the detail! You never know what a minor mistake in a reading could be doing to your future. Details! Details! Details! Now off you go!'

Remus looked down into the ball in front of him and gave it a skeptical look; it lay there completely transparent. Looking around the room he felt a little despair at the fact that everyone else's crystal balls were clouding over before he realised that held the whole subject without any respect and then didn't care anymore. He didn't even care when his friend's balls clouded over knowing full well no serious predictions were going to be made from them.

'Professor!' James cried out once again to gain the old man's attention, 'I see something!'

'Then please do share with the class!' Their teacher encouraged him enthusiastically and Remus braced himself for the latest bout of bullshit that was about to be unleashed.

He knew to expect something really entertaining when Sirius crawled from his position on the floor to be sat cross legged on the floor next to James. The grey eyed boy peered into the crystal ball as if hypnotised by its contents before announcing, 'I see this future also!'

'Then this future must involve the pair of you!' The man enthused, 'Please do tell!'

The dark haired duo stared into the orb entranced for a moment, with Sirius fighting to control a twitch on his lips and then James deemed it fit to begin.

'Professor Laurel,' he began dramatically, 'I see.... I see a Quarrel!'

'A quarrel?' The Professor echoed and James nodded in confirmation.

Sirius let out a gasp of shock, even going as far to cover his mouth with his hands in disbelief.

'A quarrel over my girl, Professor, James wishes to borrow!'

Remus could see what they were trying and frowned slightly at the dubious rhyming of 'quarrel' and 'borrow' but the pair seemed satisfied to continue with their little show.

James bit his lip briefly in a show of fake concern at his apparent future deceit before speaking again, 'And apparently it will happen tomorrow!' He predicted and then added, 'There's a calendar in the background you see. That's... er... How I know when it is.'

'Tomorrow you say?' Laurel continued to be reeled in. Honestly, Remus thought, this man was left in charge of children for Christ sake!

'Yes, yes,' Sirius nodded sadly, 'And it will bring me much sorrow!'

'Oh dear. Well young love can feel turbulent at times...' The man offered his sympathy for the apparent future woes of the two boys and made to move off across the room; bringing his interest in the matter to a close and thus ending the little performance.

'But Professor!' Remus decided to join in, if only out of boredom, with a mock grave tone to his voice, 'Many great men have fallen out over women! Many empires have been destroyed by a quarrel over one! Helen of Troy for instance! This may be disastrous!'

He tried to ignore the way his stomach flipped when he saw Sirius give him a brilliant smile for his involvement in his peripheral vision. It wasn't often Remus partook in openly winding up his professors but when needs must to get you through an hour of total nonsense then he was certainly game.

'Indeed,' the wild haired man nodded as he considered this.

'And wasn't there some kind of Centaur rebellion over a mare? Some strange wizard bloke fell in love with one he found in a forest somewhere in Hungary,' Remus continued.

'Yeah I remember Binns telling us about that!' James chipped in enthusiastically.

'Then let the pair of you take heed to his warning and never fight over a woman! Not today, tomorrow or any other day! The future of the wizarding world just might depend on it!'

'Perhaps if James and I were... Say allowed to go off and have a serious chat about this just now it'd be beneficial to the future of the wizarding world,' Sirius implored in earnest before casting his eyes at the other boy who had helped with the skit, 'and maybe Remus should be allowed to come along to mediate just to be on the safe side?'

Remus tried to suppress a grin at his inclusion in the escape plan from class and watched with anticipation as Professor Laurel pondered the proposition over, 'And this couldn't be saved until after class?'

'No time!' Sirius replied passionately, 'I'm afraid between Herbology, Quidditch practice, dinner and my beloved tutoring of the my darling little firsties there's no room for James and I to settle this matter before its too late tomorrow.'

'Think of the innocent lives you might be helping to spare!' Remus tried appealing to the man's sense of moral duty.

'Well yes I suppose these matters should be nipped in the bud before they escalate into the horrors of war.'

'And she is a cracker of a girl,' Sirius added about the fictional girl at the centre of all the doom and gloom, 'If there's anyone I'm willing to go to war for its her. She's like Debbie Harry, Angela from Hufflepuff and McGonagall all rolled into one,' his eyes quickly flickered to his apparent rival suitor, 'Except ginger.'

'My passion for her borders on the dangerous!' James dramatically exclaimed as he clutched his chest.

'Please!' the golden haired of the three Implored the man once more giving a performance that could rival Lawrence Olivier, 'this matter needs settled now!'

'Okay, okay,' the Professor accepted with a nod of his head, 'the three of you may go to settle this matter like gentlemen.'

The three boys would have whopped in joy if they weren't certain it'd give the game away and quickly jumped to their feet to gather their belongings. Remus chanced a look at the other two schemers and was met by a quick celebratory wink from Sirius. He'd played his part well and he could feel himself glowing with pride.

'And me sir?' Peter, who had been silent save for a few sniggers until this moment, asked hopefully.

'Continue to study what the orb is showing you Pettigrew. I trust you'll play no part in starting a war,' the man replied curtly and moved on to see what the other students were observing.

The boy deflated in defeat and looked to the others with a mournful expression, 'See you guys later then.'

'See ya later Pete!' James grinned at him triumphantly whilst Sirius' smiled bordered on the smug as they left the classroom.

'I can't believe the old man fell for that!' James crowed when they were safely out of ear shot at the bottom of the tower's stairs, 'I almost thought he wasn't going to and then Moony started all that war shit! That was a stroke of genius Moons, it really was! You should be on the stage!'

The praised boy tried to shrug the compliment off but couldn't stop from grinning, 'it was nothing really.'

'Nonsense!' Sirius wrapped an arm over his shoulder in matey affection,'We couldn't have done it without you!'

*

'Moony! For the love of God please help me!' Sirius pleaded in a gasping pant. Remus looked up from his table in the library to find his friend looking around himself frantically.

Remus arched an eyebrow in suspicion, 'What have you done now?' It wasn't often that Sirius was completely innocent of some crime when he was asking for help from his friends so he should have at least have had the decency to make it clear what he was asking Remus to become an accomplice to.

'I've only gone and pulled the second craziest bint in the whole of Hogwarts. That Jasmin Sailers girl is an absolute loon!' The crazed looking boy quickly explained in a hushed tone of a desperate man seeking refuge. Remus stared at him for a moment and wondered how he could best explain how inappropriate it was for him to come to him with girl problems but saw no way that wouldn't reopen barely healed wounds between the two. Anyway, the boy deserved all he got.

'Oh don't look so smug!' The boy in need chastised him; it must have been written all over his face how unimpressed he was at the whole situation.

'Well you have to admit you had it coming to you?' Because if anyone was deserving of a karma induced kick in the groin, it was definitely Sirius.

'Yeah, yeah,' Sirius dismissed as he craned his neck to scope out whether or not he had been followed, 'Are you going to help me out or not?'

'Not until you tell me what's actually happened first.'

'I will,' Sirius promised with panic rising in his voice, 'Just hide me first! She's coming this way!' And before Remus could even answer the terrified boy he had ducked under the table and he heard the frantic whisper of a disillusionment charm. All too soon he was confronted by the frantic, and somewhat dishevelled, looking girl Sirius had been running from.

'Oh Remus!' Jasmin breathed, 'have you seen Siri around? We're on a date you see and he told me he needed to go to the toilet but when I followed him I noticed he wasn't going to the toilet all!'

Remus just blinked at the girl. She had followed him to the toilet? He didn't really know how to react to that properly.

'Then I'm pretty sure he saw me and for some reason he ran in here,' the girl fidgeted a little and that was when Remus realised she had something in her hands. Was that a camera?

'So have you seen him?' She asked, 'I've looked everywhere for him, I even tried the bit where the photography books are because he seemed fascinated by my camera,' she let out a little shy giggle, 'it even distracted him when I tried to kiss him. I'll make sure it won't next time!'

WOW. It's what Remus had been thinking as he gawped at the slightly manic girl. Sirius hadn't been lying when he said she was a bit of a loon.

She continued to stare at him expectantly and that's when Remus jolted into life.

'Erm... Well yeah...' He felt a swift punch being delivered to his shin and he flinched a little at the pain, 'I mean I did see him but I'm pretty sure he was headed in the direction of the door... Last I heard him mention was... Er... Something about... The... Erm... The Astronomy Tower... Yeah... The Astronomy Tower! He told me he was setting up a surprise for you and that if I saw you I was to tell you to go there... So erm... Go there?'

'The Astronomy Tower!' The girl repeated excitedly clearly familiar with what activities students usually got up to when class wasn't on and Remus felt slightly sorry that she was going to be sorely disappointed when she wouldn't find Sirius there; especially so when she squealed in delight and skipped off camera in hand. He watched her retreating from the library for a moment before a hand from under the table grabbed his and yanked him off his chair.

'What the...!' Remus cried as he landed in a heap next to his friend.

'See! I told you she was mental!' Sirius declared still looking slightly demented and completely ignoring the fact that he had nearly pulled Remus' arm from its socket, 'She even took a picture of us when I went in for a snog!'

'You still tried to kiss her despite the fact she's battier than the Gargoyles up on the fourth floor?' The werewolf asked incredulously as he rubbed at his shoulder. Trust Sirius to make things more difficult for himself.

'I was just trying to get her to shut up!' Sirius explained as if it was the only obvious solution.

'And you didn't think of the consequences to that?'

'When do I ever?' The dark haired boy shrugged.

'Hmm,' Remus frowned.

'I'm telling you, that's me gone celibate! Even when I try and treat girls a bit nicer they still give me nothing but hassle,' the dark haired boy babbled almost unconsciously, 'They're not worth the hassle mate.'

It was when Remus failed to reply that Sirius seemed to realise he had strayed on to dangerous territory. As they sat together, hidden under the table, the awkwardness was palpable.

'If you're interested in hassling them in the first place, that is...' He flustered a little, 'I mean... Well not hassle... Bother with... Well not bother... I suppose, you know, girls aren't only like that... blokes can be too... If that's who you'd rather hassle with... Or not...'

Needing to put in end to the verbal diarrhoea that was spouting from the increasingly uncomfortable looking boy, Remus gently interrupted, 'S'alright. I know what you mean. I think I feel pretty much the same about girls just now too.'

Sirius gawked at him for a moment and his awkwardness returned, 'So... So you're liking... Um... Blokes just now then?' He rubbed furiously at the back of his neck and stared down into the carpet.

'I'm not liking anyone just now,' Remus admitted, deciding not to dance around the subject in the same idiotic way Sirius was, 'After hurting Lana the way I did I think it's best I stay single for the time being, don't you?'

'S'pose,' the embarrassed of the two continued to stare into the carpet and silence engulfed them.

'Well if you're done with me down here I have an essay to finish for Monday,' Remus eventually said as his patience wore thin.

A look of regret passed over Sirius' face, 'Shit the full's tonight isn't it? I forgot you'd be trying to get homework out of the way. I shouldn't have distracted you.'

'It's okay,' Remus' smile was strained and he made to move away before he was stopped by his friend.

'Moony,' Sirius placed a hand on his shoulder, stopping him from stepping outside of the disillusion charm he'd cast for Jasmin. 'Listen I just want you to know that I'm sorry about what I said in the dorm. That time after you broke up with Lana? I want you to know i'm okay with this,' Remus narrowed his eyes in caution; this wasn't going to be some grand declaration, was it? Was Sirius coming to terms with what they had done together?

'With you I mean,' his friend continued and Remus felt a small disappointment drop in his stomach. He should have known better. 'With you being the way you are... Liking blokes and all. I don't want you to think that I like hate you or something because of it. Andy or Mandy, it's alright with me yeah?'

Despite the torrent of questions that desperately wanted to pour from his mouth the werewolf kept his mouth shut and nodded his head in acceptance. Sirius had told him, soberly, that he had wanted to kiss him on his birthday and then had acted on it. Now he was hellbent on ignoring that fact and was playing the accepting role of his friend. Remus just couldn't get his head around it.

'We're alright then?' The grey eyed boy asked him desperately and Remus forced himself to sweep all his doubts aside. Getting back to normal was more important to him right now.

'Of course,' he tried for his warmest smile and the elation of Sirius was made known with the wide grin he gave him.

'Brilliant,' he beamed. 'Well I'll see you tonight at the shack, yeah?'

*

Pain. That was the first thing Remus registered as he woke up that morning. Pain all aver his body torturing him in varying degrees; his head hurt with a pressure almost as if somebody was pressing his skull between their hands; his muscles screamed in anguish at the tearing they'd had to endure over the last few hours; his throat stung with rawness and his bones ached in a way that he was fearful that they might snap if he so much as stretched. Yes he was in agony yet despite all this he knew things could have been a lot worse. All the pain he was feeling was customary to a good transformation, despite the intensity of it, and it was a blessing there weren't any addition injuries that could have been life threatening. In short, he had survived another full moon and now it was his time to rest.

Opening his eyes he tried to gage what time it was so he could determine whether or not it was worth going back to sleep before Pomfrey showed up to collect him. The room was of course filled with sunlight but it was a dull one and he felt certain the arrival school nurse was still some time away yet. With this conclusion he decided to go back to sleep, shut his eyes and pulled the blanket one of the lads must have given him at some point this morning closer around him to settle back down. He was nearly drifting back to sleep when something woke him again; a gentle voice.

'It's not fair,' it said from behind him and he recognised it as Sirius'.

Feeling slightly puzzled he began to turn over. He hadn't realised the others were in the room with him when he first woke up. Then again, the pain he was in was rather distracting. When he had fully turned to face the rest of the room, however, he found that this was not strictly the case. There, lying rig next to him on the bed, was Sirius but the other two were nowhere to be seen.

'What are you doing here?' He asked hoarsely to the tired looking boy. Sirius had dark circles under his eyes indicating that he hadn't had a moments sleep all night and his hair was dishevelled beyond any hope. Remus took in the sight of him and inwardly cursed himself for the way his stomach flipped; how was it possible that this boy could be stupidly attractive even when he looked at his worse? 'Where are the others?'

'They went back up to the castle for a few hours sleep,' Sirius replied to the second question, ignoring the first, and tucked one of his arms under his head.

'And you...?' Remus quizzed him again. They didn't do this ever. The boys always departed before there was any chance of being caught. Absolute discretion was needed when it came to their involvement with Remus' transformations so that all their hard work wouldn't go to waste lest they give the game away.

Sirius continued to look at him from his sidewards lying position for a moment with a look of sadness in his eyes, 'I always feel guilty about leaving you here,' he admitted.

Remus took a moment to digest this tiny piece of information and wondered what made this morning from every other post transformation morning different?

'We always get to go to the comfort of our beds after our bit is finished but you need to endure lying in this cold dump and your injuries to boot. It just doesn't seem right to me,' the boy confessed as absently scratched at the material of the old mattress they were lying on.

'But you all do so much for me anyway,' Remus reassured him softly. 'I couldn't possibly grudge you some hours of sleep after you stay up with me all night. What you guys have done for me, what you all do, well it's beyond amazing.'

'It's what friends are for,' the tired boy shrugged, faking nonchalance, but there was such a tenderness in his eyes that betrayed the casualness of the gesture.

They fell into companionable silence for a few minutes with Remus unsure of what to say after that. He always struggled when it came to the topic of how grateful he was to his friends. He felt as if there weren't enough words to express the gratitude he felt towards them; how much of a blessing they were to him and he hoped with all his heart the boys knew exactly how much he appreciated them. It was while he was doing this thinking that he pulled an arm free from the blanket and absently rubbed at his nose, setting his bare arm down next to his friend without even really meaning to. Sirius looked down onto the scarred skin with a mournful look on his face before reaching out to trace some of the pearly markings he found there.

'These are definitely fading,' he assessed as a shiver ran across Remus' skin at the contact.

He watched for a moment as he turned his arm around gently so that it was lying palm upwards and replied with a grim smile, 'They'll no doubt be replaced by new ones sometime soon.' Sirius' fingers continued to run over his skin and moved slowly towards the slightly smoother skin of his wrist. 'And once I leave school I'm going to have my registry number inked there permanently for all to see.'

If it was possible, Sirius' downcast eyes became even sadder as he stoked the patch of skin Remus was referring to.

'It's not fair,' he echoed his earlier statement, 'You're the best person I've ever known Moony, asides from James. You don't deserve any of this.'

'I dare say most victims of werewolf attacks don't,' he conceded gently and was surprised when his friend, clearly in a fit of melancholy, moved closer to him to rest his head on his shoulder.

Remus assessed his gloomy friend and wondered for a moment what had brought all of this on. Sirius had ceased to be tactile with him like this for quite a few weeks now. He'd even went to painfully obvious measures to avoid bodily contact with him at times. But now? Well he supposed Sirius' emotional nature was anyone's guess really. Always had been.

'They're the fucking monsters Moony, not you.'

'I think some serious studies into Lyncanthropy may disagree with you there Pads,' he joked lightly.

'Yeah well maybe I should write a book about how fucking great you are,' Sirius replied gruffly, his anger at the situation tainting his voice. 'I've had six years of study and observation.'

'I'd class that as a pretty extensive research period,' the werewolf in question played along as the other boy curled in closer to him.

'You'd need to write it up for me though cause you have all your fancy words and that but you'd need to type every last thing I say cause its my observations and I know how bloody modest you are.'

'And what are these observations? Or have you not come to a suitable conclusion yet?'

'Well I do think I need some more time for my study but its fairly obvious what my findings are going to be. Some werewolves, especially those with a chocolate addiction and a penchant for stiffing books, are pretty ace.'

Remus smiled down at his friend for the compliment. It felt like it had been such a long time since they had been this affectionate with one another where there was nothing else lingering behind it but pure friendship. 'And do you think the wizarding world is ready for such a shocking discovery?'

'They better be,' the grey eyed boy warned, 'because once I'm completely satisfied with my findings I'm going to shout it from the roof tops.'

'Really?'

'Yeah and James and Pete will do the same. The whole world will be forced to listen and they'd all feel shit about the way they've treated werewolves; or the nice ones at least.'

Remus continued to smile as something warm radiated from his chest. A part of him wondered if it was happiness? It certainly felt close to it. Then something dawned on him.

'Hang on,' he frowned, 'I do not sniff books!'

He felt the other boy chuckle against him, 'Yes you do,' he laughed softly. 'I caught you that time.'

'Oh one time!' The golden haired boy scoffed, 'It was one of those Culinary Magic books in Florish and Blotts! The pages smell like the dishes!'

'Mm hmm, sure it was,' Sirius agreed sceptically as he cuddled into his friends side. 'That or you're just a weird werewolf.'

Remus chuckled at that assessment and found he couldn't argue there, 'Hm probably,' he agreed causing Sirius to laugh also.

'But you're our weird werewolf,' he gave his arm a gentle squeeze in reassurance. 'Our pretty ace weird werewolf and I'm going to make sure everyone knows that when the time comes.'

He looked down on his friend, as he continued to cuddle into his side, and wondered what would happen if reached a hand out slightly and tilted his head up so that he was facing him. He then wondered what Sirius would do if he found the nerves to lean down slightly to catch his friend's lips in a kiss. It had happened before but he wasn't so sure what the outcome would be this time. Would he push him away and get angry? Accuse him of pushing things when they had only just recently been sorted between them? Or would he welcome it and kiss him back? After all he was the one who chose to stay with Remus; to lie in a bed with him despite the fact that Remus was completely bollock naked underneath the blanket which covered his modesty. If anything he was playing with fire choosing this as an appropriate time for the tactile, friendly touches he was bestowing on him. Then again he probably thought Remus at least had an ounce of self control. Just because someone gave you a friendly cuddle it did not give you the green light for seduction did it? Remus wasn't sure but felt it was best left alone for just now. He was too tired to decipher the mixed signals the dark haired boy was throwing at him and at least if he left them unsolved he could just get back to sleep which, right now, was what he wanted most in the world. It was just a bonus that he had the other boy snuggled up against him as he done so; regardless of what reasons Sirius himself had for doing so.

Overwhelmed by the fact the other boy was now feeling more comfortable around him, and for his presence in the lonely shack, he lowered his head and nuzzled slightly against the dark hair of his friend.

'Thanks,' he whispered not entirely sure if the other boy was awake or not anymore.


	8. The Coward's Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius can't stop his eyes from wandering to where they shouldn't be looking. He also can't stop listening to what he shouldn't be hearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this chapter should have a warning for its sexual content. Enjoy!

'What were you and Atticus Brown talking about?' Remus found himself asked one morning as he and Sirius waited for the others to arrive at the breakfast table. He'd been talking with the seventh year boy as he'd waited for his friend at the entrance to the Great Hall. They hadn't spoken about much really; just a quick comparison of how they had each gotten on with their dreaded Arithmancy test the day before.

'Nothing much,' he shrugged as he poured himself some coffee from a near by pot. 'Just class work really. Why?'

Remus had a feeling he knew why his friend was asking; it had been happening frequently over the last week or so. Every time Remus so much as glanced at another boy (every now and then a girl but more often a boy) Sirius would be hot on his heels asking who they were and how Remus knew him. A few times Remus almost expected the boy to cut to the chase and ask him if he fancied him but he never did despite it being painfully obvious that was the real reason behind his friend's curiosity.

'No reason,' Sirius shrugged but Remus wasn't convinced. There was a flicker in those grey eyes; something Remus had almost missed and wondered if he was foolishly misinterpreting. It seemed to be happening a lot these days. Sirius would give him a lopsided smile and Remus would wonder what the real meaning behind it was or he'd turn his head just in time to find the boy staring at him before hastily looking away. Was he looking at him in the way Remus thought he was; at the way Remus often found himself looking at Sirius? He could never be fully certain and it was the most frustrating thing in the world.

-

He was doing it again. He knew he was but he couldn't bloody help it. Remus had stretched in his chair during Muggle Studies; all long arms and elongated neck and Sirius couldn't keep his eyes off him. From his position in the classroom (sat behind his friend) he knew he wasn't likely to be caught out but it bothered him that he was doing it. Why couldn't he just stop? Why did his greedy eyes and his stupid brain need to seek the boy out so much? It was just so... so... pathetic, wasn't it?

Things had changed between them despite him trying his hardest to resist it. Gone was the easy friendship between the pair and in its place was something awkward; something filled with tension and dare he say it, something that buzzed ever so faintly with excitement?

On god, he actually felt like a flaming girl half the time! Was that what the Hufflepuff girls felt like? All giddy with excitement with nothing but a glance being thrown in their direction? It was pathetic! Sirius felt pathetic! And damn it Sirius never felt pathetic! Not outside Grimmauld Place for crying out loud!

But the way his friend stretched like that... It just... It sent his brain haywire. He could be doing anything. He could be working out the finer details of the worlds best prank to pull on Snivellus, a really fantastic prank that would herald him king of the Marauders, and Remus would only need to brush the tip of his quill against his lips and poof; gone! It was as if someone had obliviated him and gone was his fantastic idea (and no doubt a weeks worth of detention). Just the other day he'd been at Quidditch practice and all Remus had to do was walk into the stands with Peter and a bludger was knocking him off his broom. He'd seen the concerned yet quizzical look on Remus' face when he'd gotten back on his feet (thank Merlin he hadn't been too high in the air) and had bluffed some nonsense about the the sun being in his eyes and not seeing it coming. If anyone noticed that that the sun was in fact too low in the sky for this to occur, they certainly never let on. The presence of his friend just seemed to be turning him into a complete idiot!

'Mr Black!' His attention was called for sharply by Professor Burbage and he jolted to attention.

'Yes Professor?' He tried for a charming smile but that annoying blush that seemed to frequent his face more and more these days probably made him look more awkward than charming.

'I asked if you could name the muggle political party in power at this very moment in time?'

Sirius panicked. Anything muggle related to mechanics, music, film and to some degree books and he could rattle off an answer without even trying but ask him who the Minister of Muggles was (or whatever their bloomin' title was) and what colour of badge made half the country hate them and he was completely clueless. He quickly scanned the room for a friendly face and an even friendlier clue but nobody offered one. They all just stared at him expectantly, including bloody Moony, and left him to flounder in his own ignorance, 'Er... Winston Churchill?' He grasped at the first muggle politician's name he could think of.

He could hear his fellow pupils sniggering as the middle aged woman, who'd asked him the question, treated him with a disappointed look, 'Despite winning the election twice in his political career, Winston Churchill was not re-elected a third time after his death in 1965, may he rest in peace,' she replied sarcastically. 'The answer is James Callaghan, Mr Black, and if you remember it was the first piece of information you learned on this particular topic of muggle politics. Do you need to go back over the basics?'

Sirius felt about two inches tall and slid down in his seat a little in discomfort, 'No Professor.'

'Very well then!' She announced and the rest of the class turned back to face their teacher, including the golden haired boy who had caused all this embarrassment in the first place.

Bloody Moony, Sirius thought sourly; it was all his fault!

-

Sirius just couldn't sleep. His bed felt too lumpy; his pillows too flat and he was fairly certain the house elfs had been over doing the heating charms again. It was only the beginning of March and he'd had to strip off his pyjamas, lying only in his underpants and casting a cooling charm on his face.

Nope, sleep was completely eluding him so he lay there bored, warm and tired.

Then he heard something... At first he wasn't sure what it was and he strained his ears in the dark to gage whether or not he should have his wand out ready (after all, a night time Slytherin attack wasn't exactly out of the realms of possibility). There was a definite creaking noise so it could have meant someone was in the dorm but as he listened more he could work out a rhythmic pattern that didn't really make sense if it was someone walking about the room. He strained his ears again just to make sure and that's when he heard the noise that was accompanying the creaking. His body froze and it dawned on him what was making it. Coming from the direction of Remus' bed was a soft groaning noise, not too loud, but loud enough; he must have forgotten to put a silencing shield up in his haste. Sirius didn't know what to do. Had it been a few months ago he would have just laughed it off and possibly even directed a charm towards the boy's bed so he could get back to sleep and he knew that's what he should be doing now but something in the back of his mind, that little bit that often talked him into temptation, stopped him. The idea of the other boy having a wank in the bed just next to him held so much illicit appeal that he had to keep listening.

Images of what the other boy might be doing flashed into his brain as the real life one continued to pant in oblivion to the audience he had. Was he lying there with his hand down his pyjama bottoms or, just like Sirius, had he found the dormitory impossibly warm and was lying naked on top of his sheets as he stroked himself? Sirius groin stirred at the thought of the younger boy stretched out completely naked. What was he thinking about? Was he thinking about the time they'd been to bed together? Or even the time before when they'd messed around? Sirius himself had found himself replaying those times while he'd been in bed late at night but had always resisted temptation of taking himself in his hand when he did. It had seemed dirty when he lay in his bed with no one; he felt sick and perverted. Getting over the fact that he'd actually had sex with another boy was difficult enough without reliving those moments in privacy. But now... The thought of the possibility that Remus was reliving those moments was all too exquisite for him to ignore. Was Sirius flashing through his mind just now? Was he imaging his hands all over him? Sirius could image it and as his imagination began to wander the other boy continued to pant in pleasure. He could almost feel his friend's hands all over him. With his breathing shallowed with arousal he peered down his body to find his boxer shorts tented.

Oh god he really shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't be listening and he shouldn't be turned on but he was despite it being wrong. He liked girls, he liked girls, he liked girls. Yet the there was something about Remus which drove him wild. He wasn't even sure when it had all started. One thing they were normal best mates; the next they were messing around and snogging and the next they had ended up shagging. No explanation. He wasn't even sure if he wanted an explanation if he was completely honest; he wasnt sure if he'd like the answer.

Sliding a hand down the warm skin of his stomach he debated about what he should do. He was painfully hard but he couldn't really do anything about it could he? He couldn't have one off whilst listening to his friend do the same thing. That was just - he blanched at the word - gay.

_Oh yeah and sticking his dick up a boys arse was the most heterosexual thing ever._

Yeah, well nobody knew about that, did they? No they didn't. Then again nobody needed to know about this either. It'd just be another one of his sordid little secrets. Yeah... Blacks were good at hiding sordid little secrets after all.

With his mind made up he let his hand wander over the cotton of his pants and gave a little squeeze at the bulge. _Ohfuckyes_. He felt his entire body tremble at the tiny bit of pressure. Christ he was turned on. Giving himself another soft petting over the material he listened out once again for the groans of his friend and sure enough he was still going at it. Sirius bit his lips as he continued to rub over himself, this time a little a bit firmer, but not quite daring enough to delve into his boxer shorts. Remus sounded as if he was having a good time and the noises he was making transported Sirius back to time they'd shared in bed on his friend's birthday. Fuck Remus had been so fucking sexy. Who knew the quiet boy was so... So good in bed? He certainly wasn't shy; especially when he'd asked him to fuck him.

Yeah... Sirius rubbed himself harder still... He'd fucked him. He'd put his dick in him and fucked him and it had been good. _Very_ good. Too good considering they shouldn't have been doing it in the first place. A groan escaped his throat and he placed his fist into his mouth to stop anymore from coming out. He could have used a silencing charm but that would have involved stopping and he didn't think he could now that his thoughts were consumed with being buried deep inside his friend. In the distance he could still hear Remus groaning and at that moment he noticed how wet the front of his pants were getting.

Oh Christ if Remus were in bed with him now he'd beg him touch him. His hands had felt so good on him the few times he'd done it. None of the girls Sirius had been with in that way were quite as skilled but that was possibly because Remus at least had some sort of experience in knowing what felt good. Even the way the werewolf kissed him was exceptional. There was none of this gentle, tender nonsense and if there was it would build up into something ferocious that Sirius could battle against. He liked that; kissing almost as if they were fighting. Not many girls would do that with him and he always felt bad incase he came across as a bit too forceful if he tried it. But not with Remus; he made it fun and challenging. Remus had been up or it... Remus had been willing...

He stilled as a thought crossed his mind.

Why was he lying here when the real deal was only a few feet away and probably willing to oblige him judging by the noises he was making?

Wincing slightly, he began to move off the bed still fully aroused and tentatively he placed his feet on the carpet next to bed and peered out from between the hangings of his bed. The room was lit by the light coming in from the window between his and the other awake boy's bed and everything appeared still. Summoning all of his courage he began to rise from where he was sat and started to very slowly tiptoe towards the other bed, making sure not to wake James and Peter lest he want to explain himself for the state he was in. As he got closer to Remus' bed he could hear the boy gasping for breath. Oh god how he wanted to be in there with him being the one to make him strain for air.

He poised himself to open the curtains but then something stopped him. What if he were to climb in and find himself not welcomed by his friend? What if Remus wasn't thinking of him at all? What if he was thinking of someone else entirely and Sirius was just barging his way into situation he had completely misread. He had seen him flirting with that Sally bird the other day in class. Did he even like her? What if he was thinking of her? What would he do then? How could he explain himself? How could he live with the embarrassment?

He couldn't.

Loosing his nerve the aroused boy quickly turned on his heels and began making his way silently back towards his bed. What had he been thinking? He was so bloody stupid at times! Remus wouldn't want him! He was just grateful he'd managed to stop himself before he made an utter, demented fool of himself.

*

Remus' hand stilled.

What was that? There had been a noise.

Listening intently and holding his breath, all he could hear was the rapid beating of his own heart. He had been absolutely certain he'd just heard something move just outside his bed. Wracking his brain he tried to remember whether or not he had cast a silencing charm around him but his mind was too fogged to even remember that. Surely he hadn't been that careless?

Creak.

Yes, there was definitely somebody moving around the dorm. He told himself not to panic, it was probably one of the lads getting up to go to the toilet. Yeah, that was probably it but the paranoid side of his brain couldn't stop him from reaching out to curtains that were drawn around his bed just to make sure. Sliding an edge of the red velvet aside ever so slightly he peered out into the dark room and his heart jumped into his throat. There, across the room was Sirius and he was tiptoeing to his bed. Remus felt his heart now stop. What if he had heard him? Did he cast a spell? He wished he could remember and his mind raced. Okay now was not the time to panic! He was just about to let the curtain go when he caught a better glimpse of his friend. In the moonlight that filtered into the room he could see him better and what could be seen caused the boy to drop the fabric in shock.

Sirius... was just in his boxer shorts... and what's more... those boxers shorts seemed to be... they were... clinging onto a very, very obvious hard on.

Fuck.

Remus didn't know whether he should be panicking or coming all over his sheets at the sight.

Had his friend heard him? Was that why he was... In the state he was in now? Had Remus forgotten to cast the charm after all and had gotten him all worked up?

And then it slotted into place.

Sirius wanted him, of that he was certain.

*

By the next night Remus had formulated a plan. It wasn't a very sophisticated plan but it was a plan all the same. He needed to prove to himself that he was right about what he had seen the night before; for his own sanity more than anything. The first few hours of this morning had found him feeling completely awkward around his friend (something that was becoming increasingly common these days); a feeling shared by his friend judging by the red hot blush that bloomed on Sirius' face the first few times they'd made eye contact over breakfast and it was that that made him resolute on finding out for certain.

The rest of the day's classes had seen him passively present as he daydreamed his way through them wondering about what all this meant in the grander scheme of things or what might have been the outcome had Remus called the aroused boy back towards his bed. He'd never been given into trouble from Professors so many times in one day before (it made for a good study of a day in the academic life of James and Sirius, who were told off in class more than he anyone cared to count) and had even resulted in a detention from McGonagal.

'Is there something troubling you?' The usually stern teacher had questioned him compassionately at the beginning of his punishment. 'You're normally the fully switched on one in your little group of friends.'

He could hardly explain the pornographic images that had been flitting through his mind concerning one of those 'little friends' so he had lied and said he was just tired. Not completely satisfied with his answer McGonagal had given him a skeptical look before telling him just to get on with his homework (a very lenient punishment from her).

By the time dinner had rolled around he had decided that he couldn't afford another day like the one he had had and thus the plan was born.

He waited until the other boys were asleep to put it into action. He had figured that if Sirius had overheard him last night and it had caused his body to react in the way it had, to the point of making the other boy leave his own bed, then he'd have recreate the same reaction again tonight except do it in a much more clever way. When he was absolutely certain that James and Peter were fast asleep (and judging by the snores they were) he poked his head through the curtains of his bed and took aim at one bed, then the other, with a whispered 'muffliato'. He only had one person in mind as his audience tonight.

Lying back on top of his sheets, Remus only had to think about what the outcome of this little experiment might be to make him hard. If this was a success, he certainly wouldn't need to be tossing himself off. On that thought he quickly pulled down his trousers and pants and quickly got to work.

-

'Muffliato.'

Sirius' eyes snapped open at the sound of the spell being cast. He'd been trying to get to sleep for the past hour now and had nearly been successful when the sound of someone's voice woke him.

'Muffliato.' And there it was again and he recognised the voice as Remus'. For a second night in a row he wondered what was going on in the dorm. Then it dawned on him that the first spell couldn't have been cast on himself due to his ability to hear the second one being cast. He waited for a third and when nothing else was forthcoming he began to realise what might be happening.

His heart bet wildly in his chest as he listened carefully for the sound he was certain was about to happen and something stirred in his pants in anticipation. Remus wasn't really going to do this again was he? This time on purpose.

'Uh...'

It seemed he was.

Sirius' whole body flushed with arousal. His friend... He was... He couldn't believe he was such a... a... manipulative little shit. And yes manipulative because why else would he be casting spells on the other two boys and not Sirius if he was planning on having a wank? He must have known that Sirius was listening the night before, he simply must have! Perhaps he had heard him outside his bed or seen some kind of silhouette or something? But he knew, that much was clear and now he was... what? What was he trying to achieve tonight? Was he trying to seduce the other boy? Was that what he was up to? Well no dice! Sirius wasn't going to fall for it!

'Urgh...'

But it seemed his dick was; Remus had barely made a sound and Sirius was already hard. Knowing what the other boy was doing, despite having a pretty good idea why he was doing it, was enough to get him going pretty much against his will. Oh God, just like the night before, Sirius couldn't help but picture the lanky boy sprawled out naked on top of his bed sheets as he touched himself...

No!

'Uh... Uh!'

 _Ohfuckyes_.

He couldn't lie there and listen to that; not without touching himself too. He could point a silencing charm towards the bed where the illicit noises were coming from; problem solved? Mmm... But a part of him - a part that was becoming more dominant - didn't want to. He liked listening to the other boy even though he didn't strictly like what that actually meant. Listening to Remus moan and groan was like the biggest turn on ever; it felt dirty and wrong and all kinds of stupid but that just seemed to make it even better and lying there listening and not touching was like blessed torture.

As he listened to his friend's shallow panting he wondered if he should place a spell on his own bed and toss one out without being heard by Remus. That way he'd never know that Sirius had raised to the bait. Then again the idea of Remus listening to him sounded just as appealing. If Remus was getting Sirius hot under the collar (and down his pants) with his noises how would Remus begin to sound on hearing Sirius reciprocate? It was too tantalising to resist!

Completely ignoring all the voices of warning that this was going to expose him as... as something he really didn't want to be... the dark haired boy yanked down his pyjamas and took his aching hard cock in hand. The relief was immense and he let out a groan that showed it. This was so good. This was the best idea he had ever had. He let himself over to utter pleasure as he rubbed himself with complete abandon.

'Uhhhh....' It felt good to moan as loudly as he wanted; it felt even better knowing Remus was listening.

-

Remus' hand was working fast over his cock and his back was arched slightly off the bed when he heard it; his plan was working. He sped the movements of his fist and let a groan rip from his chest.

-

He had heard him, of that Sirius was certain. Remus was lying over there listening to him and getting completely off on it just like Sirius was. The increase in the noise he was making paid testament to that. Sirius could imagine the werewolf fisting himself furiously with a hard on fuelled by the thought of him doing the exact same. It was ludicrous and exquisite all at the same time.

-

'Uh... huh... urgh... urgh... urgh...'

Oh Christ listening to Sirius was better than he'd ever imagined - not as good as the real thing - but fucking brilliant all the same! He knew it! He knew somewhere deep down the other boy had enjoyed everything they had done together. Sirius wanted him; all those looks; all that curiosity; all that barely contained jealousy and now this was proof. He wanted him. He wanted him. He wanted him.

Remus bucked his hips into his fist harder and harder; fuelled completely by this knowledge. Sirius wanted him and he wanted Sirius. He wanted him against him completely naked. He wanted his tongue in his mouth. He wanted to feel him in his hand. He wanted to have him inside him; just like the last time. Completely like the last time.

-

Remus was really going for it now. His moans and panting and gruff swearing was filling darkened room and lighting Sirius' imagination on fire. He could picture the look on Remus' face from the night of his birthday; all sweaty and panting as he rode towards climax. Sirius sunk his teeth into his lip as he imagined that face above him now. He imagined his body over his; his hand, Remus' hand; His dick, Remus' dick. Why had he ever thought the prospect of touching the other boy in that way again scary? Right now it was all he wanted. It was the most important thing in the world to him. And he was only in the next bed to him...

-

He was close - so close - and he was desperate. Doing all of this was very well and good but nothing would beat the real thing despite the real life sound effects. He wanted Sirius right now. On him. Underneath him. All around him.

-

This was ridiculous! Why couldn't he just go over to the bed to where he wanted to be? He wanted to be in bed with Remus; touching and hearing and tasting him. He wanted to make his friend make those noises with the use of his hands not listening while he enjoyed using his own.

This was wonderful and all but it wasn't the right way; it was the cowards way. Sirius knew that now and when did he ever let anything get in the way of what he wanted?

-

 

'Sirius?' Remus sat up in surprise but was pushed back down by the weight of his friend.

'I don't understand this,' Sirius sighed into his mouth as he began pecking at his lips. 'I don't understand and I don't think I want to.'

'Its alright,' Remus murmured as he bit back into the kiss and stroked his hands through the masses of dark hair in front of him.

'Just touch me,' Sirius begged as he trembled on top of him and he was more than willing to oblige. The aroused boy gasped as his hand encircled his erection and briefly buried his head into the nook of Remus' neck as his hand began to move up and down.

'Don't stop,' the gasping boy pleaded as he moved his lips back to align with the other's. 'Please don't stop,' he asked again as he started hungrily kissing him in between groaning in pleasure.

'I won't,' Remus promised and he certainly had no intention to.

So this was how it was for the next several nights. The boys would wait until night fall to sneak into one another's bed and would explore one another in a way both of them were too stoic to discuss in the morning. Those first few times they had only dared to use their hands on one another despite their previous trespass into more serious sexual activity. At first Remus had assumed this was Sirius' way of taking things slowly but when his mantra of 'nobody needs to know about this' began to be repeated every single night he wondered if there was anything else behind his friend's reluctance to explore what else they could do to one another while naked in the middle of the night. Whatever this was between them was a precarious thing and he loathed to snap it under too much pressure.

But Remus wanted more. Here was this beautiful boy in his bed; this beautiful, passionate, brilliant boy and he needed to hold himself back. Not that the stroking and rubbing wasn't absolutely fantastic, it was. It was just that being in bed with Sirius had awakened desires in him that he never knew he had. He found himself looking at the boy's cock as he glided his hand over it and wondered how it would feel in his mouth. What would the weight of it feel like in there? How much of it could he fit into his mouth? Would it taste like the rest of skin? He wanted to do these things and know the definitive answer but he didn't want to scare his friend away. Yet it was all he could think about! Despite feeling wretchedly guilty that he could be so fixated on doing something of that nature, he really couldn't stop thinking about it. In class; in the library; in the company of the rest if his friends; in the company of the rest of the school; he just couldn't stop thinking about it and he was afraid he was going to implode in on himself and just blurt it out randomly. God only knowing who in front of.

Eventually he couldn't take it any more and one night in bed together he had panted out, 'I want to put you in my mouth!' as he worked his friend with his fist.

Sirius seized all movement and stared at him with shock in his eyes, 'What?'

The werewolf looked back at the boy in his arms. He was covered oh so deliciously in sweat.

'I want to put you in my mouth Pads,' he repeated confidently. 'I want to suck you off.'

The reply he got was one he thought no teenage boy had ever given to such a proposition.

'I... I don't think that's a good idea,' Sirius stuttered out. 'Just hands yeah? That's not as...'

'Not as what?' The golden haired boy challenged him playfully. 'Who's going to find out any way?'

Sirius looked torn and the indecision told Remus that his friend was sorely tempted.

'I'm not going to expect you to do it back,' he admitted. 'Not if you don't want to. I won't be offended.'

'I just don't understand what you'll get out of it?'

'Well I won't know unless you let me try it, will I?' He wagered. 'All I know right now is that I want to.'

He watched as a battle continued to play out in the grey eyes of his friend and he knew he was going to get his way when Sirius' breathing began to get shallower and shallower as he thought it through. The way he began biting at his own lips was a dead give away too.

'Okay,' he finally agreed hoarsely and it was then Remus noticed how dark the boy's eyes had gotten with arousal. They were almost granite like.

Giving him one last desperate kiss Sirius lay back so his head was lying on the pillow and he waited nervously for his friend to begin. Remus, taking a deep breath to steady his own nerves, positioned himself on the bed and thought about how he was going to do this. It wasn't as if he had ever done this before despite the fact that he was more than desperate to give it a try. He briefly worried that he wouldn't be any good at it and that it would put Sirius off coming to him at night time again. Then realised everything he and Sirius had done in bed together had essentially been a risk. Deciding use to his initiative as he lowered himself down onto his best friend's body and began licking and kissing the skin on the boy's taught stomach. The flesh he found there was searing with heat and he heard Sirius sigh almost in relief as if Remus' lips and tongue were cooling him down.

'I've been thinking of doing this for a long time now,' Remus decided to chance talking as he trailed kisses down past Sirius' naval, skirting past the dark hair of his groin until he reached the insides of his thighs.

'How long?' Sirius' voice was tight with need.

'A long, long time,' the werewolf repeated as he lapped at the skin on the inside of the boy's leg with his tongue. 'Over... and over... and over again.'

'Yeah...?'

'Mm hmm,' Remus replied as he nuzzled between Sirius' thigh and groin trying to work up the courage to move his mouth over a bit. After a moments hesitation, and after he'd placed his hands firmly on the top of the aroused boys legs, Remus moved to kiss the very base of the erection in front of him and then ran tongue experimentally up some of its length. The boy underneath his stretched out in pleasure at the contact and he took note of Sirius' fists twisting into the bed sheets at either side of his head. Feeling encouraged he licked again, this time further up his friend's cock until he met the seeping head, and was met with a deep gasp. He inspected what was in front of him and wanted to laugh out loud (he didn't of course, he didn't want to give Sirius a complex by laughing at his dick. He just couldn't believe how much he had wanted to do this and how much he was just as equally afraid to do it, when really, it was just like kissing any other part of Sirius' body... Well kind of). Fuelled by courage he wrapped his mouth at the tip of his friend's arousal and circled a hand at it's base and wanted to smile at the writhing reaction of the body it was attached too. This was fucking marvellous, Remus mused to himself, and he began to suck gently.

'Fuck... Fuck... Fuck.... Fuck,' Sirius panted breathlessly as his friend began some kind of rhythm with his mouth. 'Christ Remus!' He moaned as he found himself arching into the sensations and his toes curling in pleasure. Sirius had been sucked off before by girls but this... Oh god... This was truly magical. It was so good it was almost painful. His body was completely on fire and Remus' mouth on his dick was stocking the flames. He felt as if he was in some sort of fervent trance and was distantly aware of the embarrassing groans and grunts that were coming from his mouth. Desperate to reach out to touch his friend in some way he lifted one of his hands from his side and let it tangle in the golden hair that was bobbing in between his thighs; careful not too place too much pressure on his friend with as much restraint as he could manage.

 _OhGodohGodohGodohGodohGodohGodohGodohGodohGod_.

He could feel his muscles begin to wind up and tighten now and he new it wasn't going to be too long until he came. He definitely wasn't going to last much longer if Remus kept up the pace he was going at it and he felt as if gasps for breath were being dragged from his lungs as his friend brought him closer and closer to his finish. His grunts were becoming more guttural now and in a fit of embarrassment he quickly shoved a clenched fist between his teeth to stop anymore from coming out. His sudden silence must have aroused the suspicion of the boy between his legs because in that moment he removed his mouth from his task and looked up towards Sirius. The loss of contact was forgotten for a moment as Sirius took in the smouldering eyes of his friend and the red swollen lips. Holy. Fuck.

'Don't stop,' he pleaded against his own knuckles. 'I'm so close.'

Giving Sirius' erection a few pumps with his hand Remus moved his lips back over the head and continued where he had left off and before the aroused boy knew it he was coming hard, his body arching off the mattress, into his best friends mouth.

'Uh....uh...' He gasped for air as his orgasm was ripped from him. 'Fu... Uh...'

And all coherence was completely lost.

Until it wasn't and Sirius realised he'd just came in his friend's mouth without any warning whatsoever.

'M... Moony,' he panted, now only realising how sweaty he had become during his friend's performance on him. He watched as Remus climbed up his body and stopped to hover above him. 'I'm sorry. I meant to tell you that I was going to...'

'S'alright,' his friend drawled as looked down on him and stroked his sweaty hair off his face for him. 'Did you enjoy it?'

Sirius could only nod dumbly in response. He'd enjoyed it more than he could possibly say.

'I still can't believe that you done it,' he admitted as his friend settled to lie half on top of him.

'I enjoyed it,' Remus confessed and Sirius supposed that accounted for the raging hard on that was pressed against his thigh. 'It felt nice having you in my mouth. Hearing you moan was brilliant.'

Sirius' eyes flickered down onto the mouth in question and imagined himself sliding in and out of it; his stomach rolled in pleasure at thought of it and memory of the feeling of it happening.

'Can... Can I kiss you?' His friend brought his attention back and for a moment he was puzzled as to why he'd ask him permission. Then it came to him why he would be. He hadn't actually long come in that mouth which meant...

'What did it taste like?' He found himself asking without thought. The desperation to know bubbled through him quickly.

'Strange,' Remus admitted, 'But fine I suppose.'

Before he chickened out, and with a quick glance again at those swollen lips, Sirius caught his friend in a kiss and delved his tongue into his mouth. There was definitely something there, some kind of taste that Sirius knew had come from him and just as much as it repulsed him it equally turned him on. Tasting himself seemed so... so dirty but there was something exhilarating about it too. Deciding to let the latter feeling guide him he pulled the other naked boy closer to him as he plunged his tongue into his mouth again and again and again. Remus began bucking his hips against his thigh so that his erection had something to rub against and for a moment Sirius wondered when he could have ever have predicted how much he could have enjoyed all this. Having Remus ride against him towards orgasm while he kissed him passionately shouldn't have been happening but it was and Sirius fucking loved it.


	9. Girl's Bits. Boy's Bits.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things were good with Remus. Very good. Things with girls on the other hand... Sirius finds his night time activities with his best friend very satisfying and that's the problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This hasn't been updated in ages!!!! Partially due to writers block. Partially due to computer problems. I hope some people still remember this? As always comments would be lovely! Good...bad... In between... (Quick warning for some het smut)

Girls Bits, Boys Bits.

'Sirius...?'

The dark haired boy chose to ignore the panted mention of his name and continued to suck along the neck that was being presented to him. The skin presented to him was pale and smooth and had a slightly soapy, sweet taste to it.

'Uh... Sirius!' The voice was more insistent this time but still he continued to ignore it and instead focussed on grazing his teeth along the pale column of skin, 'Urgh!'

He pulled the body in his arms tighter and alternated between sucking and nibbling. One of his hands were anchored on a skinny waist and another in the nape of a neck; essentially he had the body trapped and it felt glorious.

'Sirius!' 

He loved this; feasting on flesh like this. He liked the sense of power it gave him; the dominance. Perhaps it was a canine thing? It was certainly something he and the wolf had done on countless nights when the moon was fat and mischief was to be made in the Forbidden Forrest. On those nights it was always his throat laid bare but when he was in human form the tables were always turned. Like now. His mouth was itching to do it; to bite down and make his mark and with one final lick on the area he sunk his teeth down lightly into the flesh.

'SIRIUS!' Judith Palma screeched and pushed him away so she could clutch at her neck. Gone was the playful demeanour that had lured Sirius to meet her in the deserted greenhouse d in its place was a face of thunder. She was not happy. 'I can't believe you just done that! You better not have left a mark! Urg!'

'Calm down,' The disheveled Gryffindor boy rolled his eyes as he pulled out the remainder of his shirt from his trousers and gave his mouth a swipe with the back of his hand.

'I am not showing up to the prefects meeting like this,' the curly haired girl fussed as she touched at her neck while looking at it with a compact mirror. Granted there was a red mark there that'd no doubt bloom into a bruise but Sirius really couldn't understand the dramatics. They were wizards for Christ sake. They had a plethora of spells to choose from to disguise it. 'Healing charms are not my strong point.'

'Then stop making a fuss and I'll heal it for you,' Seriously why did girls have to be so bloody whiney? 

He stepped towards the girl and clinically inspected her neck. He didn't fail to notice the sharp change in direction his feelings took towards the girl. Only moments ago he'd buried his lips lustfully into the flesh he was looking and now he was inspecting it with a sense of detachment. 

'Minuo Episkey,' he waved his wand over the skin in the same manner he might cast a spell towards tidying up his dormitory floor; with little enthusiasm and minimal concentration. He still managed a flawless job regardless.

'You should be a healer,' the girl gushed on inspection of her flawless neck and just like her flirtation was cranked back up to where it had been. It hadn't been the first time he'd been told that. Every month one of his friends, usually Remus himself, made the comment after he'd dealt with whatever brutality the werewolf had inflicted onto himself. Remus certainly wouldn't have moaned about a stupid love bite. Well, he would; but in the right way. A burning feeling flared in his groin at the thought and it had nothing to do with the simpering girl who stood willingly before him; he'd lost all interest in her. Whatever had passed between them earlier had completely gone. The moment had passed.

'Maybe I won't mind the hickeys so much if you're that good with your wand,' Judith purred as she hooked her arms around the boy's neck. Trapped. He now felt completely trapped and stifled by her. It was time for him to go. 

'Maybe some other time,' he dismissed her by ducking out the grip her hands had on the back of his neck, 'I've got things to be doing.'

Like not thinking about his best mate while in the company of an attractive girl when he could be in the company of said best mate and enjoying the fact that he wasn't a girl. 

'But... What?' The baffled girl called after him as he made his way to the door, 'Sirius?'

'I'm not in the mood anymore,' he cooly called over his shoulder. Not for her at least. 

'But...?'

'Get over it yeah?' And with that he exited the room. He was not even two paces down the hall when he heard a frustrated 'Sirius!' screeching from where he had just come from.

-

'Uh!'

This was more like it.

Sirius couldn't help but smile whenever he heard that; whenever he heard Remus grunt into his mouth like that. There was something about the undignified noises that his friend made that spurned Sirius into kissing him even harder.

That was the glorious thing about kissing Remus; it was exhilarating because it involved just going for it. Anything he had pent up in his body could be unleashed into a biting, angry and often filthy kiss. Remus never complained if Sirius acted a bit aggressive, in fact most of the time he welcomed it.

Lowering his lips the Black heir buried his mouth into the crook of the other boy's neck. If he thought whats-her-face tasted good then he'd obviously been away from Remus too long. The boy's neck was delicious. It tasted of a mixture sweat, musk and something that he couldn't quite describe but knew was all Remus. He began to lavish his tongue onto the skin he found there and felt the werewolves hands threading into his hair with just enough rough pressure that got his head spinning. He enjoyed the accidental roughness his friend bestowed on him. Remus sometimes didn't know his own strength but it was certainly a strength Sirius enjoyed and judging on how the other boy urging him to play harder; so did he. 

'Do it...'

Well he didn't need to be asked twice. With a quick chuckle he obliged and sunk his teeth into his friend's willing neck. He felt Remus writhe underneath him; gasping in pleasure as Sirius marked him as his own.

'Oh yes!' Groaned Remus as he tightened his grip in the ebony locks.

'Oh yes indeed!' Sirius thought to himself in satisfaction.

-  
The following Saturday night Sirius found himself in a classroom on the abandoned third floor with a fifth year Hufflepuff he had only met that morning. Winny Flannigan and her friends had been watching the Gryffindor Quidditch practice earlier in the day and after a bit banter between them about being spies Winny had propositioned him to a private interrogation later on. Who was he to refuse?

'I dunno how you do it,' James had said in awe as he and Sirius had made their way across the playing field toward the changing rooms, 'Girls just throw themselves at you! The rest of us don't get a look in! Christ I doubt Worms and Moony would even know what to if it were to happen to them!'

Sirius merely scoffed in reply. He knew that wasn't true at all; at least regarding Remus. Sirius had thrown himself at him several times now and he knew for certain that he was completely capable of knowing what to do. Not that he was going to admit that to James.

So there he was with Winny pinned against the wall next to the blackboard with his body flush against hers and his tongue halfway down her throat. It was funny. He hadn't noticed her around the school before today but she had noticed him and he supposed that's all that really mattered. She was pretty and forward. What more could a boy want?

'The wonders of vanity charms,' he had heard Remus mutter behind his book when Sirius and James had been discussing it as he got ready for his 'date'.

'True,' Sirius had conceded, 'But thank Merlin for vanity charms if that's the result!'

It turned out not only was she beautiful but was a fantastic kisser; something Sirius had learned wasn't necessarily mutually exclusive. 

'We can take this further if you want,' Winny pulled away from Sirius' lips, 'You can touch me down there.'

Sirius examined her face for a moment; taking in her swollen lips and eager eyes. This girl really did seem like game for a laugh and the fact that she wasn't whiney only served to prove that.

'Alright,' he agreed and had chuckle when she hastily bunched up her skirt to her hips to give him instant access. 'Someone's eager!' He laughed into her mouth.

The lustful girl grinned back and grabbed his hand, 'Shut up and get on with it,' she commanded seductively and before he knew it she was placing his hand on top of her knickers exactly where she wanted to be touched.

The flatness of where his hand lay was a momentary surprise for Sirius. It had been a while since he had done this with a girl and he had become accustomed to the bulge he had always found in Remus' pants. A bulge that rested perfectly in the cup of his hand... Getting on with it he stroked his fingers in the way he remembered girls always seemed to like and before long the blonde girl's underwear was beginning to get moist and she begun thrusting down into his hand.

'S'alright?' He asked as he nibbled along her jawline. Girls seemed harder to read in these situations now that he had been with a bloke. They could sometimes be too subtle if they weren't moaning loudly or actually telling you you weren't doing it right. With Remus it was fairly obviously when he was enjoying something; Sirius could feel it in his hands.

'Oh yeah,' the aroused girl confirmed and began to pant softly, 'Just hang on... Let me...' And before Sirius knew it the girl had pealed down her sodden pants and had redirected his hand back to where they had been before. He continued as if he hadn't been interrupted and eventually he dared slipping a finger inside her.

'Uhhh!' His companion began to react louder to his ministrations now and started to writhe around more and more, 'You're good at this.'

'Why thank you,' he almost purred into her mouth and for a lack of anything better to do began to kiss her slowly. 

This was nice, he thought to himself, as his fingers slid in and out of her. He was enjoying himself. Contrary to popular belief Sirius wasn't all about selfishly seeking pleasure out just for himself. There was something to be said about making someone come completely undone when you yourself weren't necessary going to get the favour returned. 

Just the other night he had done the same for Remus. He'd snuck into the Lycanthrope's bed as he'd been doing for some time now after waiting a reasonable amount of time for the others to fall asleep. Usually he'd slip in and he'd find Remus waiting for him under the covers in his pyjamas; waiting to be stripped of them of course but that night had been different. Instead he found his friend lying completely naked on top of his bedspread; a hand working on his erection and the other working somewhere completely different.

'What... what are you doing?' Sirius had asked him at the time. 

'I want you to touch me like this again,' he'd gasped out as he'd continued to move his fingers in and out of himself, 'so... uh... good... the last time.'

The dark haired boy had been completely mesmerised; both by what his friend was doing and by his lack of inhibitions. Night time Remus was a completely different person from the shy, reserved boy that walked the castle and sat with him in class by day and seeing this side to him was almost addictive for Sirius. 

His fingers were in his mouth being coated with saliva quicker than his mind could contemplate what he was about to do. He almost moaned as his fingers entered the heat of his friend and Remus actually did groan. On impulse to hear him do it again and again he began to move his digits.

'You really like this?' He found himself asking in complete amazement. Remus was writhing and panting in response to his probing as if it was setting every nerve in his body on fire and Sirius just couldn't understand it. How could something that should have been painful apparently feel so wonderful?

'Fuck yes!' The panting boy ground out, 'You should... uh... Try it...'

Sirius seized in his movements for a moment as a sense of bewilderment engulfed him. Remus couldn't be serious? He couldn't... It wasn't...

'Please don't stop!' Remus had cried out in panic; jolting his friend out of his incredulous shock. Sirius took a moment to gather his thoughts before granting his friend his wish and soon enough he was moving his fingers slowly again. He just didn't get it. How could this be so pleasurable?

'You don't know... what you're missing...' Remus informed him as he wrapped a hand around his neck and pulled him down for a shakey kiss. He was being completely undone by the fingers working inside him; by Sirius' fingers. His body was contorting itself as if he was being assaulted by a pleasurable Cruciatus curse. On one level he wanted to experience it for himself but on another... No... Just no...

'I think I'll settle with doing it to you,' he finally replied and swooped down for another kiss.

Oh Christ it had been hot. In truth, it was probably hotter than what was going on just now. 

Sirius physically flinched at the thought. No. No of course it wasn't hotter. Remus was... Remus. He wasn't... Winny was a girl for Christ sake and he liked them loads better than he liked Remus. What they did was just a lark. He was enjoying himself way more here. 

'Yeah,' a dark voice from the back of his mind scoffed, 'Funny how you're so fucking hard now after thinking about a boy. You weren't a few moments ago.'

He grunted in frustration to try and dismiss his thoughts.

'Are you alright?' 

He was brought fully back to reality by a concerned, albeit very flushed, looking Winny.

'Yeah,' he dismissed casually and plastered on a fake smile for the beautiful girl he literally had in the palm of his hand. Then a thought struck him, 'It's just that...' And he pretended to be all anguished and shy, 'having you here like this makes me really need - no want - to fuck you.'

He watched as the flustered girl contemplated it as she continued to pant between him and the wall. 

'Come on, come on, come on,' he silently pleaded to himself. He needed this. He really fucking needed this.

'Alright,' his willing partner smiled and he had never been so grateful for Hufflepuffs in all his life. He didn't need to rely on Remus to get him off. He could just as happily do it with a girl. 

Any girl.

-

The next morning Sirius felt like shit. Not in the usual ways he felt like shit on a Sunday morning; very unusually for a Saturday night he hadn't touched a drop of alcohol. Nope. He felt shit in a way Evans might have called to do with his 'emotional well being'. He felt like utter scum. He felt confused. He felt angry. He felt like he was totally out of control.

The previous night had started off well. He'd been messing around with that Winny and they'd been having a fine and dandy time. That was until he decided to try and prove a point to himself and had completely ruined his night.

To make a long story short (the irony of which will present itself) he took far too long to come. He'd wound himself up so much about making sure he was coming because of Winny, a girl, that he found he couldn't really do it at all. At first the Hufflepuff girl had thought him experienced and had commented on his stamina. As the minutes dragged on and on she had already climaxed and he started to panic. He knew what was going on. He knew what was going to help him eventually to get there. But he absolutely refused to think about it. SHE was supposed to be making him explode with pleasure. Nobody else. NOBODY ELSE.

'Are you nearly there?' She'd asked him and in his frustration he had bit back nastily.

'Just give me a fucking minute alright!' She just had to be patient! He'd been trying his best!

Well that had done it. Upsetting someone while you were fucking them was probably not the best move and rightly so she pushed him off her. Recognising defeat (and facing a rapidly wilting erection) Sirius whipped his trousers up in silence and absolutely refused to look the girl in the face.

'Is it because I'm not pretty enough?' The confused girl had asked him in anguish and for want of a better thing to say to her he had stupidly and callously told her that, yes, it was. 

He wasn't proud of himself. Not then and especially not now. 

The thing was...that wasn't the end of it.

He'd rushed back to the dorm in a foul mood afterwards. The quicker the night ended the better in his opinion, which he even now he thought wasn't too much of a bad idea. The other lads had mercifully been in bed and it seemed like he was going to get his way. That was until Moony had climbed into his bed ten minutes after he'd done it himself.

'Hey,' the werewolf had playfully greeted him and had slid in the bed behind him. His arms had gone around Sirius' waist just like they always did and he'd nuzzled the back of his neck.

'What are you doing here?' He'd asked and had made a point of keeping his tone in check. He wasn't in the mood for another upset. He wasn't in the mood for anything at all after the night he'd had. It wasn't as if he was being unreasonable in his questioning either. Remus never came to him after Sirius had been on a 'date' with someone else. He'd always made a point of keeping away, not that Sirius had encouraged him to do this, but he probably would have been grateful for the trend to continue on that particular night. Thoughts of he and Remus being together had freaked him out enough tonight. He just needed some space to think. Remus clearly had other ideas.

'I couldn't stop thinking about you,' the tactile boy whispered into the nape of his neck, 'I got to a dirty bit in my book and I couldn't help but picture you.'

Normally Sirius would have teased him. Only Remus could get a hard on while reading a classic. Normally he'd have obliged. He'd have rolled over and took proper advantage. But not that night. Not when thinking of Remus had brought him so much anguish and embarrassment. In short, he didn't want him anywhere near him.

'I'm not in the mood,' he'd grumbled and had shifted away. He may have been a bit colder about it than he was letting on now. 

'Good date was it?' Remus had spiked as he sat up in the bed and the bitterness was glaringly obvious. Well Sirius had felt bitter too. 'Forget it then,' the Animagus began to climb out of his bed, 'Just as long as you've had yours.'

'And what if I have? You're not my fucking girlfriend Lupin!'

He shouldn't have said it. Reflecting on it now he definitely shouldn't have said it. It hadn't been Remus' fault that he was so fucked up. Well... No it wasn't. It felt like his fault like last though.

Remus had fixed him with his patented hard stare; the one where his face was set stone cold and you just knew a thousand and one different nasty retorts were being filtered through his brain and then were subsequently being suppressed. Well, all but one...

'No doubt that's what's been the problem. Hmm? Yes?'

'Get fucked!' The moody boy had barked out and then a callous chuckle began to vibrate through him, 'Oh that's right. I don't want to.'

And now the hard stare had morphed into the seldom used 'Go Die' glare. It was a good glare and usually Sirius pitied anyone who was on the receiving end of it. Not that night though.

'No... and you won't ever again,' the spurned boy replied cooly as he began to make his way off the bed, 'Goodnight Sirius. I hope your dick falls off with neglect.'

'Not likely!' 

He was a prat. He knew it. Remus knew it. A fair amount of the girls in the school knew it too. It was just... He'd panicked and the last thing he needed last night was having it off with Remus. It'd only prove his worst fears; that he could only get going when he was with him and that wasn't true. Sirius knew it wasn't true. Winny had been a one off. A glitch. He'd put too much weight on the whole situation and he'd ended up messing his whole night up. He knew he had been a fault. He just needed to chill the fuck out. He just needed to accept the fact that, yes, screwing around with Moony was amazing but he was perfectly capable of screwing around with other people. If sometimes it proved difficult to go with girls, well he was only human. He wasn't a shagging machine, contrary to some rumours. He just needed to cut himself some slack. Everything was fine. He just needed to make sure everything was fine between him and Moony and then things could go back to normal... Or as normal as things had been.

He liked girls. He liked Remus. Sorted.

Yeah. It was going to be okay.

-

Cherie Woodkin smelled of something citrusy and sweet and this close up Sirius wondered if it was perfume bought by one of her many admirers in the school. She was a bit of a catch you see and up until her seventeenth birthday had been forbidden by her parents to date. This hadn't stopped an army of boys bombarding her with gifts over the last few years in the hope of a promise of a future date but Sirius himself hadn't partaken in any such nonsense because, well, he was Sirius; he never needed to try very hard for dates. 

Cherie was a cracker of a girl and the day after her coming of age birthday Sirius had only found it fit that he offer to take her to the back of the greenhouses on the understanding that they could possibly get to know one another better. He had made the proposition under the watchful (and tremendously jealous) eyes of pretty much every boy in the upper end of the school and with her giggling friends surrounding her as she had said yes.

So that's where they had ended up one Friday night in March; standing behind the much fabled greenhouses in the dark with their tongues down one another's throat and if Sirius was completely honest it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Cherie wasn't a bad kisser per se; she was probably just inexperienced. Sirius tried to guide her head this way and that way to help the situation along but something just didn't quite feel right. He had tried to coax her tongue to fight more ruthlessly against his own but even the end result of that was timid at best. He had ran a hand along her delicate jaw and felt disappointed by the lack of power he could feel in it. Even her soft skin against his face lacked a certain... roughness that he had began to associate with a good proper snog. In short, this girl was turning out to be one big disappointment and he wondered about the line of boys who'd been queuing patiently for their chance for years to be with her; would they too find the anticipation of kissing this girl was far better than the reality? Somewhere deep in his mind he sincerely hoped so because he sure as hell didn't want to be the only one.

No he wouldn't be. It was okay to feel disappointment with some girls. It was natural. You couldn't win them all.

He had given her the benefit of the doubt and had continued to kiss her solidly for about ten minutes in the hope that she'd build up some confidence and kiss him back in the passionate way he had become accustomed to but his own jaw began to ache eventually and he had to call it quits. Her kisses were just simply not as good as the ones he'd received night after night for elsewhere (her lips lacked everything that made Remus' truly magical, somewhere in the back of his brain noted). 

Pulling away from him, Cherie had offered him a shy, awkward smile and for a moment he wondered whether or not she had worked out how unsatisfied kissing her had left him.

'We should meet again soon,' she suggested coyly. 

Obviously not.

The dark haired boy's mind raced as they stood in the windy March night; wind whipping the girl's long blonde hair into his face. He knew when to call it quits with a girl but recently karma or fate or some other toss had taught him to start treating girls better than he had been doing in the past. Or had it been Moony who had taught him? 

He was just about to spout some drivel about needing to concentrate on schoolwork when the Ravenclaw made the job of calling things off before they had properly begun for him.

'My parents would like you,' she confessed shyly as she tried to tuck her wind blown locks behind her ears, 'A pure blood boy like you and a Black to boot!'

The blood in Sirius' veins chilled colder than the freezing wind could ever do alone.

'Come again?' He asked darkly.

'Oh my mother admires your mother so much. She often attends the same charity luncheons as she does. She'd be thrilled to know you're interested in me!'

Sirius fixed her with a dark stare, 'And you? Is the fact that I'm a pure blood important?'

'Of course! I could never be with a half breed! All those boys who think they have a chance with me when they have muggle parents. They can't think much of me if they think I'd settle for them!' The girl laughed but it was swallowed by the wind, 'And it doesn't hurt that you're gorgeous! 

All notions of treating this girl with any respect were chucked away with the gale that bustled around them.

'I'll have you know some of my best friends are half Muggles!' He barked at her in anger and the blonde girl paled at the sudden burst of rage, 'You've not got a patch on any of them or any of those lads who are stupidly pining after you!'

'But... Sirius...' The girl tried bewildered but he wasn't in the mood to listen.

'I don't want to hear any of your pure blood crap!' He growled and almost turned to stomp away before leaving with the perfect parting shot.

'Oh and by the way!' He fixed her with a pointed stare and she looked back at him apprehensively, 'You're a shite kisser! Better warn whatever distant cousin you're no doubt betrothed to before he's trapped with you!'

And he didn't wait to hear or see a response. He whipped around angrily and battled his way against the weather back to the castle.

-

'Bloody nut job!' A wind swept Sirius grumbled as he marched much too loudly for this time of night back through the corridors towards Gryffindor tower, 'Waste of flaming time!... My mother!... Fucking half breeds??! Demented bint!'

Why did girls have to go on like that? Eh? Why did they have to spoil his mood by saying stupid things to him? Did Cherie really expect that that was something that he really wanted to hear? He, who had famously defied Black tradition by being sorted into Gryffindor? The boy who had notoriously made best friends with a boy from wizarding society's most liberal family and two boys who were considered repulsive by his family for having the bare faced cheek to be born into a half muggle and half wizarding home life? Merlin's giant testicles! Was that what she really thought of him? Was it what other people thought of him? That Sirius was a bigot?

He hadn't even really wanted to go out with her. If it wasn't for the fact that every other boy in the upper school were desperate to date her he wouldn't even have bothered. He had bigger fish to fry. Just the other day he had set his sights on Angie Podmore so why wasn't he going after her like he said he would? She was an amazing bird; beautiful, fun and game for anything apparently. Why was he having hamburgers when he could have steak if he really tried? Sodding Woodkin! He could have had Angie tonight if he'd really worked at it and now it was too late. It was long after curfew and he knew he didn't have time to put the work in with Angie tonight to get what he wanted. What a waste of a night! 

Then he remembered something. It didn't have to be a complete failure tonight. He did always have other options. Remus would no doubt still be awake or at least not too far gone that waking him up wouldn't be too much of a problem. 

Remus wasn't like Cherie. He was a thoroughly decent human being, despite not fully being a human being. Had Remus been a girl he would never have said that to Sirius. He didn't share those beliefs and he certainly wouldn't have been gushing about his sodding mother! Had Remus been out there with him tonight they had gotten down to some serious grade A snogging and more to boot. They would have had great laugh but no, Sirius had to ask that crazy boot of a Ravenclaw out. He could have been dry humping the fuck out of his friend right now. He could have been getting the most spectacular blow job of his life (Remus was getting well practiced now and just like everything he did that didn't involve potions, he was pretty fucking good at it). Shit he had been a first prize pillock asking Cherie 'lets drown the half breeds at birth' Woodkin out.

After their little spat the week before the pair had made up. Sirius had gone to him and had said sorry until he was blue in the face. Remus been a little wary to accept his apology at first but Sirius had worn him down with a few well placed kisses and had him fully accepting by the time Sirius had the reluctant boy's cock in his mouth. Since then they'd continued as before and all was good. Very good. 

That was the great thing about his best friend. He'd been awake and willing every single time Sirius had needed him and Sirius had needed him a lot. The things he and Remus got up to when the others were fast asleep was addictive.

He wanted him right now.

\- 

'Wotcher Moony,' Sirius grinned as he parted the curtains of his friend's bed and popped his head in.

He wasn't there.

Where was he? 

Sirius turned on the spot to inspect the room. Remus wasn't lying on his bed because the curtains were fully drawn (for once) and it was completely empty; James could be seen through his partially open curtain and although Peter's were completely closed Sirius could hear the evidence of his presence as the boy snored on in that thundering way he had since his nose got broken in third year. The armchair the boys had 'borrowed' from James' attic during the summer of fourth year was covered in clothes but little else and the bathroom door was open with the light was off. He didn't appear to be here at all; which was odd. Perhaps Sirius had passed him in the common room? Just as he set off to check, walking toward the dormitory door, his expedition to go find his friend came to a premature end. Remus was entering the dormitory and gave a start to find Sirius standing right in front of him.

'Jesus!' He cried in hushed tones, courteous to the others sleeping in their beds without even trying, 'You frightened the shit out of me.'

'So it would seem,' the dark haired boy replied as he studied the other boy with suspicion. There was definitely something amiss. Why was he so jumpy? Was he sneaking around? 

'How'd your date go?' Remus asked him faux casually. Aside from the night they had fallen out, Remus never asked him about his dates. He never wanted to know about the girls Sirius went off with and if he did mention them it was usually done so in snide tones. He was being far too breezy about it. It was almost as if he was asking to deflect any attention being paid to him... What was he up to?

'Shite,' Sirius answered honestly but went no further with the details, 'Where have you been?'

'Just out,' the shifty looking boy replied vaguely and made his way over to the bathroom door.

'Just out anywhere in particular?' Sirius asked before his friend made it into the other room.

'Not really,' Remus shrugged with nonchalance, 'Just fancied a walk.'

'With anyone in particular?' Sirius probed; he was going to get to the bottom of this. 

The other boy heaved a sigh and grabbed hold of the doorframe, 'I just went to give Atticus Brown his notes back. That's all.'

Hmm... Something still seemed off.

'At this time of night? After curfew?'

'Yeah and...?'

Sirius gave him a searching look. There was no way Remus would have broken school rules for something as mundane as giving someone back their notes; not when it could have waited.

'At this time of night? Was he in a rush for them?' The Animagus pressed and noted the telltale signs of his friend beginning to bristle in annoyance; Remus' shoulders tensed and his lips became tightly drawn in.

'Well if you must know I went before curfew and ended up going for a walk with him.'

'Really?' Sirius nodded as he considered this; something still seemed amiss. It wasn't like Remus to randomly go for walks with students outside of the school house either. Unless... 'When you say walk...?'

'I mean a walk,' the werewolf cut in as his anger snapped, 'With our feet. We moved around the castle. Our feet took us to places. I can't believe I need to explain this to you.'

'Jeez, sorry. I wouldn't be asking if you weren't acting so shifty.'

'I'm not acting shifty! I just don't feel the need to explain my every movement to you, that's all.'

'No need to be arsey about it. You can't blame me for being suspicious. It's not like you to go wandering around after curfew without one of us, that's all.'

'I do have a life outside the four of us you know,' the werewolf huffed and signalled the end of the conversation by walking into the bathroom. Sirius stood for a moment and pondered over his friend's behaviour. Something didn't add up.

'Moony?' he followed his friend and found him to be scrubbing his face at the sink, 'was this walk a date?'

'A date?' Remus ached back as he peered at his friend in the bathroom mirror before turning round to face him, 'Sirius, Atticus isn't gay. Like I said I went to give him his notes back and we went a walk. What's so hard to understand about that?'

'Nothing...' The inquisitive of the two conceded. There wasn't anything wrong with that at all but since when was Remus so interested in being so pally with Atticus Brown? 'Do... Do you want him to be?'

'What?' And the anger in the usually placid Gryffindor's voice was definitely building now. 

'Do you want him to be gay? Do you fancy him?' Sirius rephrased the question so there was no room for his friend to understand it.

Remus just stared at him in response.

'Its just that I know you've been talking to him a lot more and he seems the sort and...'

'He's my transfiguration study partner!' Remus interrupted him with incredulity, 'You know this. He also has a girlfriend which again I'm fairly certain you already know!'

'Still...'

'And once again just to make it clear to you; he is not gay!' The last part was said loudly with every word emphasised.

'Neither am I but...'

And now the anger was giving way to fury, 'No Sirius! No! I mean he really isn't gay!' 

'What's that supposed to mean?' Sirius shot back defensively.

'What do you think it means!' The werewolf cried out in indignation, 'He doesn't mess around with boys on the side and tells himself that it means nothing...'

'I don't mess around with boy's; plural. I mess around with you; singular!' Came Sirius' defence, 'And I'd thank you to keep your voice down!'

'No. Don't want the others to find out, do we?' the werewolf retorted sarcastically.

'Oh and you do!' The Black boy hissed back at him, 'You want everyone to know what we've been up to do you? You want the whole bloody castle to know how much you enjoy sucking me off! You want to admit to that!'

'No!' And now Remus matched his friend's hushed tones, 'But it would be nice to know why the hell you enjoy this so much if you're as straight as you make yourself to be!'

Sirius stared at him in exasperation. They had already been through all this. Why were they going through it all again? All he wanted to do was come and find Remus and have a quick tumble or whatever. Was that too much to ask? He was exhausted. He wasn't in the mood for a fight.

'Calm down. Sorry for asking if you were on a date,' he said for want of a better thing to say.

'And if I had been? What business of yours would it have been?'

'I... What?' The dark haired boy looked and sounded dumbfounded. Hadn't he just apologised? Why was Remus still going on about it so angrily? Why wouldn't he just drop it? 

'Come of it! If I had answered yes to being on a date you definitely wouldn't be the calm one.'

'That's not true!' Denial. Complete and utter denial. 

'Oh and you were so accepting of Lana!' The other boy scoffed, 'you hated the idea of me being with her so much that you fucked me!'

'I think you had a lot to do with that too!' Sirius' anger flared again, 'So don't go blaming me for that!'

'I'm not blaming you for that! I'm blaming for you the fact that when you go out on dates I'm expected to not make a fuss but when I go out on one it's all of a sudden your business.'

'I was only asking!'

'No you weren't! You were interrogating me!' 

'No I wasn't!'

'Yeah alright,' Remus nodded his head angrily and moved closer to the other; this time delivery in speech in hushed, angry tones, 'Come on Sirius, what would you have said if I'd answered yes. What would you have done if i'd come back and told you I'd gone and fucked someone tonight; some boy or girl. That I'd let them suck me off or screwed them or been screwed by them? Are you seriously saying you wouldn't have pitched a fit?'

Sirius thought about it briefly. The idea of Remus being with someone else - anyone else - really didn't sit well with him. The thought of him doing what he and Sirius done so well together made him feel queasy and angry.

'Judging by your face I think the answer's clear.'

'I don't tell you those things,' An attempt to defend himself at least. He never told Remus of his dates. Ever. That he could defend himself against!

'No but you come back smelling of them. I have to listen to you tell Prongs whilst we get dressed or while we eat our fucking breakfast! Or overhear some random Hufflepuff giggling about how she'd been with Sirius black the night before and how fantastic it had been. I have to hear about it whether I want to or not and it's not fair.'

'Moony, you knew when we started what this was.' Sirius cautioned him.

'What even the hell is this?' Came another incredulous cry.

'We were supposed to just be fucking around...'

'No. You're just fucking around with me as you fuck around with other people! I'm expected to just fuck around with you and it's not fair!'

Sirius had no reply to that. What could he say when it was the truth? For all he hadn't explicitly told Remus that he wasn't allowed to see anyone else he knew in his heart of hearts that he wouldn't be pleased if he did. He also knew that when he wasn't pleased with something he'd go out of his way to make sure it was no longer happening. Remus was right. Of course he was but he wasn't about to admit to that. Instead he just looked at the floor forlornly in complete silence.

'I'm going to bed,' Remus eventually sighed when it was clear the conversation was going no more forward, 'Don't follow me.'


	10. Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius' bickering escalates and it has bad repercussions for the werewolf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick warning about a slight Non-con situation in this chapter and a rather lot of homophobic language. This is something a bit different from the rest of the fic but hopefully it works. Thanks for all the previous comments. I'm so happy people are enjoying this! Please continue to leave your thoughts! Every single one is appreciated!

'Professor Kettleburn! Giant squid! Come now!!!' 

The whole common room turned to see the very flushed appearance of Terrence Bailey at the portrait hole. He was panting heavily and had clearly ran through the entire castle just to deliver the news. Nobody moved a muscle.

'You don't want to miss this!' The second year cried in panic, 'Come on!'

And just like whenever there was a spectacle to behold on the school grounds the whole room moved at once.

'Come on lads!' James cried excitedly as he launched himself out of his armchair, 'last one there has to offer him some help!'

Remus watched as the other two boys followed suit but he himself stayed exactly where he was. He knew exactly what was going to happen. They were all going to go down there and see about two minutes of action before they were inevitably turned away by the faculty. It happened every single time and seemed like an entirely wasted journey all the way to the grounds only to come back up again. No thank you. Plus he liked the idea of having a minutes peace to himself. Since this morning Sirius had been following him around like a shadow which normally he wouldn't have minded but considering the fight the pair had been in only the night before he very much didn't feel in the mood to talk to him. Yes. Some alone time would certainly be welcome to him right now.

Only it seemed someone else had other thoughts. Remus looked up from his book to find the common room completely deserted by all but one person; Sirius.

'Aren't you coming Moony?' The boy who was clad in a muggle band tshirt and a pair a dark denims since it was a Saturday afternoon asked him.

The werewolf deigned the question not important enough to respond to. He didn't want to talk. How could Sirius not understand that considering he hadn't spoken to him all morning?

'Come on Moons! Don't be like that!' The dark haired boy sighed in frustration.

And still he didn't answer him.

Out the corner of his eye he could see the Animagus check around the room to see if they were truly alone, 'Listen I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt that way about me dating. If I had I would have been more careful about flaunting it in your face.'

Remus sincerely doubted that.

'And as for you dating... You can do what you want. I don't mind.'

And he knew that was definitely untrue too. 

'Thanks for the permission,' the peeved off boy ground out bitterly. 

'I'm not giving you permission,' Sirius refused but was making an obvious attempt to keep his tone in check, 'I'm just letting you know how I feel about the whole situation.'

Oh yeah, that they could fuck, rub, suck and kiss just as long as Remus didn't do it with anyone else while Sirius, on the other hand, banged half the school!

'I thought feelings weren't involved in this?' The werewolf pointed out, 'I thought we were just messing around? Just two boys getting each other off. One straight and the other completely incapable of being honest about who he is.'

The growl of anger and frustration didn't go unnoticed by Remus.

'Not this again,' the grey eyed one threw his hands up in exasperation, 'Why do you desperately want me to be something that I'm not?'

'Why do you desperately not want to be honest with yourself?' Remus spat back, 'You just march around here pulling every bit of skirt that'll have you just to prove a point! And I strongly suspect that it's not everyone else you're trying to fool here. It's yourself!'

Sirius' dates reeked of desperation and Remus really couldn't understand why nobody else could see it. 

'Oh please!'

'Yeah I'm right! Tell me, did you actually have any interest in Cherie Woodkin before you asked her out or did you do it just to be the big man of Hogwarts? Careful how you answer now cause I already know which answer is the truth!'

'I asked her out because she's hot!' 

'Funny how you never mentioned that before!' Remus cried out incredulously, 'Not once have I heard you say you fancied her! You just asked her for the sake of your own selfish ego! You should have seen yourself marching around here like a peacock after you asked her!'

'I did not! And I don't share everything with you you know!'

'No. Just my bed, my cock, your cock...' The werewolf laughed sardonically. 

'Fuck you Remus!' Sirius went right close to him now to seethe into his face, 'And fuck your need to control every little part of me! I can't help it if you're into me way more than I am to you!'

The amber eyed boy got to his feet determined not be intimidated by the boy towering over him.

'Ha! You keep telling yourself that! Tell yourself that when you're out on your pathetic little dates. Pathetically pretending that you're perfectly straight!'

'I am straight!'

'Are not!'

'Yes I fucking am!' And again the raven haired boy was back to shouting in his face; his hands waving in the air as if trying to emphasise his point. 

'That last blow job you gave me begs to differ! I didn't even need to touch you for you to get off. You get off with having another guys dick in your mouth. That does not make you straight!'

'Why does this matter so much?'

'Because I'm fed up of all the pretending! I'm fed up of you abandoning me so you can go off with some girl just to prove a point!'

'You cannot be seriously telling me you want us to let the rest of the school know what we get up to just to make up for your stupid insecurities!'

'Of course not! But why can't we be honest with each other? I fancy you and you fancy me.  
Why does anyone else need to come into it? Why can't we be together exclusively, even if it's just us two that knows?'

'Because i'm not going to be your boyfriend Remus!'

'You practically are anyway!'

'Just get it into that thick skull of yours! I'm not like you! I'm not gay! So stop bloody pestering me about it!'

-

James heard the chorus of shocked gasps the second after his best friend's voice had rung out. He hadn't been the only one to hear what had been said then. Understatement; there probably wasn't a single Gryffindor that hadn't heard what his best friend had just said considering every single one of them had followed him back into the common room. 

News had gotten to the group that the fight between the Giant Squid and Professor Kettleburn had come to an end and Professor McGonagall was apparently dolling out detentions for any students who were making their way down to catch a glimpse of the catastrophe. Not that that was going to stop James. No. He was just going to nip back up to the dorm to retrieve his cloak and hoped to tempt Sirius to come along with him but now... Now this was happening. Whatever this was.

His best friends stood in front of him; both as shell shocked as the crowd that James stood in front of.

'Lupin's a poof?' Someone behind him queried and it seemed to jolt the whole room awake again.

'No,' came the horrified denial from the werewolf. James watched him as he fervently shook his head with his eyes wide in panic. Remus had always been a good liar. He'd spun them all tales to cover his Lyncanthropy and still done so to the rest of the Hogwarts populace who ever asked him the wrong questions. Yet those lies were well rehearsed. Standing right now it was clear that he was lying now. His eyes were wide with fear and he'd gone deathly pale. In short, he looked exactly as he had when James and the other two boys had confronted him about his condition. Remus was gay... and he'd - what? - propositioned their other friend who also looked like he'd been caught in the headlights.

'What the hell is going on?' James pushed forward and asked in forced hushed tones.

'Remus Lupin's a sodding queer! That's what!' Another unknown voice cried out and some of the crowd began to snigger. 

James saw red and turned immediately to the unwanted crowd.

'Fuck off! The lot of you! Before I hex the fuck out the lot of you!' He raged and satisfyingly enough the crowd began to disperse. All except a worried looking Peter who came to stand next to him.

'Take no notice of them Moony,' Peter nervously tried to console the still terrified looking boy but James didn't want to just brush this aside. There was a truth in this somewhere and as best friends they'd vowed back in second year by Remus' bedside to always tell one another the truth.

'Are you?' His gaze fixed on the accused boy.

'James... I... Please...' Remus struggled as he shook like a leaf. He was obviously so scared that he couldn't think of a lie to cover his back and couldn't bare to speak the truth either.

'Remus?' The insistent boy pushed harder for an answer and it seemed like his friend was searching every centimetre of the carpet for an answer or some kind of help. 

Eventually, under the scrutinising eyes of the other three, Remus gave a small nod of the head before fleeing towards the dormitory staircase.

'Fuck!' It was Peter who had spoken; or more accurately almost chocked out. James couldn't think. How... What... Remus was gay. Gay. One of his best friend's was gay. One of the boys who he called a brother was... queer... 

Where did they go from here?

A thought came back sharply to him then; why they knew in the first place. The whole of Gryffindor had clearly walked in on some kind of proposition or something and that boy was standing right with them. 

'What the hell happened Sirius?' James turned to the unusually quiet Marauder.

Sirius' grey eyes flickered towards him for a moment and despite the quickness of the movement James caught the queasy, worried look in them.

'Nothing,' Sirius hoarsely replied as he shifted uncomfortably on the spot, his gaze flitting worriedly towards the staircase, 'Nothing happened.'

'Then why were you shouting that at him?' James continued.

'Because... He.... I....'

'Did he come on to you?' Peter pushed this time and this time Sirius was quick to find his words.

'No!' He refused 'Of course not! No!'

'So what then?' And the interrogation moved back to James.

'I... Listen I really don't want to talk about this,' the pallid looking boy shook his head fervently and circled round his two, questioning friends.

'Pads...?' James tried after him but his friend wouldn't listen.

'I just need some time on my own, yeah? We'll talk later. Promise.'

And with that he moved towards the portrait hole and was gone.

What the hell had happened? James' mind reeled.

-

Peter stopped just short of the door to the dormitory and took a deep breath. This was going to be awkward, that much he was sure, and he wanted to deal with it in the right way for a change. Usually he'd stumble through situations like these and would emerge looking like a total idiot or, worse, making a situation worse. He wanted to get it right this time, though, and not just for the glory of handling it well; he genuinely wanted to see if Remus was alright. James had, as always, rushed to Sirius' side; partially out of tradition and partially because he'd no doubt be the only one to get any sense out of him. Yet Peter hadn't felt this was right. Remus was the one who seemed more upset and generally more in need for someone to speak to. So here he was attempting to do just that. He just hoped he could understand it all properly to be of any help.

He pushed the door open.

'Hey Remus,' he called out timidly to the boy sitting on his bed. Remus was sitting with his legs drawn to his chest and seemed startled by his presence.

'I thought you and Prongs went after Sirius,' he answered and even Peter could see that he was steeling himself for confrontation. It kind of reminded him of the night back in second year. It saddened him a little that the werewolf felt the loyalty that had been built up over the last few years could be so easily swept away.

'I thought I'd best see how you are,' he explained.

'More likely they both told you to sod off,' Remus replied sourly as he pulled his knees closer.

'Contrary to popular belief,' Peter began trying to keep his irritation in check, 'I do think independently from James.'

He watched as regret passed over his friend; remorseful of his tone. 

'I'm sorry Pete,' he then mumbled into his knees, 'that wasn't fair and I should at least be grateful someone wants to talk to me after... Well, hearing all of that about me.'

'So it's true then?'

Remus lifted his head now and turned his face to look towards the dormitory window before nodding solemnly.

'So you're...?'

'I don't know what I am,' Remus cut in but continued looking toward the window, 'but I do know that I like boys.'

'So you're gay?'

'I like girls too though,' he sighed, 'I like them both the same.'

'Right...' Peter nodded, trying to make sense of it but only coming out more confused.

'Exactly. It's a total head fuck! One minute I can't keep my eyes off a pretty girl and then the next I'm blushing when one of the fucking Hufflepuff boys take their top off after a match. I'm like some kind of... I dunno... Some kind of freak!'

'You're not a freak Remus,' Peter warned him.

'Aren't I? It's enough that I turn into a ravenous monster every month but this? If Greyback actually knew I was already going to turn out to be a perverted weirdo I'm sure he'd probably've left me well alone. He'd have left my parents to that particular disappointment to deal with. A son that's an occasional faggot...'

'Remus!' Peter admonished. Sure he wasn't the most open minded boy to walk the corridors of Hogwarts but he knew when he heard something that was unnecessarily harsh and bigoted, 'Don't call yourself that!'

'Why?' the other boy shrugged, 'It's true. I am...'

'And? So what if you occasionally like to wave another wizard's wand? It doesn't make you any less of a man! You're still Remus; the boy who can almost rival Professor Lextor in Defense and we're not even seventh years yet! You're the boy who hexed the shit out of the Avery brothers last year after they ambushed me on the Divinations stairway. You actually could be the greatest beater Grythindor Quidditch team has never had which James is still sore about. You scared off that spriggan Sirius pissed off near the Potter's home. You pretend that you're taking nothing to do with our pranks now that you're a prefect but I can tell when you're subtly interfering and they usually end up spectacular with your input. You split up the great girl fight of Gryfindor common room that the rest of us lads were terrified to get amongst.'

'It was pretty terrifying,' Remus noted with a ghost of a smile.

'Are you kidding me on?' Peter exclaimed, 'I couldn't look at Dora Nesbitt and Beltha McLaren for months afterwards without shaking. Those two fight dirty! I don't think I've seen blokes fight as dirty as they did.'

'Remember the amount of hair that was left on the common room floor after? We could have made a wig out of it!' the werewolf remembered, his smile broadening a bit more.

'And you were the only one brave enough to get in there!'

'Maybe stupid enough...'

'If anyone was stupid in that whole scenario it was Prongs. He's now seen what Lily's capable with her bare hands and he's still after her!' Peter laughed out incredulously and Remus couldn't help but laugh out too.

'So yeah, like I said you've nothing to be ashamed of,' Peter continued, 'And half the bloody boys in this school are in love with Bowie and he likes a bit of both too!'

Remus' smile cracked completely now to the point he was almost laughing.

'Bowie? You're comparing me to Bowie?'

'Well you don't wear as much make up,' Peter replied mock solemnly, 'And although you're singing voice is alright I'm afraid it doesn't quite match up to the Thin White Duke's.'

'Wormtail, I'm hurt! That's the most cruel thing you've ever said to me!' 

'Ho ho! And here I thought it was Sirius who had the delusion when it came to his musical ability!' Peter crowed but it fell short when he noticed the playful look on his friend's face melt back into the same sad one of only moments ago. 

'So Sirius isn't taking the news all that well then?' he asked knowing that he wasn't so much speculating but outwardly stating a fact judging on the scene he and James had walked in on earlier. Something which after the initial shock of hearing what they were fighting about had come to confuse him greatly. 

Remus gave a small shake of the head and appeared to shrink into himself once again. Peter wanted to a ask what had happened. Had Remus come on to the other boy? Peter couldn't imagine Remus being brazen enough to do something like that. He wouldn't have taken the risk. He was so calculated when it came to his other secret so propositioning the other boy just seemed out of the question. Had he merely told him of his preferences and Sirius had freaked out? Again this was something that just didn't ring true. Sure Sirius hadn't been raised by the most open minded family but Sirius himself was fairly tolerant of other people's differences, sometimes even more so than other people, something Peter had always suspected as overcompensating for the bigoted ideals he was raised as a child to believe. A big 'Fuck You!' to his parents. So perhaps it was all just a misunderstanding? Just what the bloody hell that understanding was Peter simply could not guess and judging by the anguish Remus was clearly going through right now it would only be cruel to ask him. He guessed he'd just need to wait to find out.

'Thanks by the way,' the upset boy eventually broke the silence that had overcome them, 'for coming to make sure I'm alright when others would rather gossip behind my back.'

Peter suspected the gossip and the name calling was soon to be slung directly towards Remus' face come Monday morning.

'No need to thank me.'

'Yeah there is. It's nice knowing they'll be at least one person feeling sorry for me after every other lad in the school has tried to beat me up.'

'I won't be feeling sorry for you Moony,' the comforting boy confessed with a sigh, 'I'll be right there with you keeping them from jumping on your back.'

'Really?' And it saddened Peter to see his friend's eyes widen in astonishment. Of course a Peter would stand up for him. This shouldn't need to be said out loud. 

'Oh I don't doubt they'll give us a pasting, I'm not exactly the best man to have in a fight, but I'll help you keep them at bay if I need to,' the stout boy tried his best to keep his voice light despite the fact that it was undoubtedly true.

'Peter...' And the werewolf looked like he was fit to cry and he couldn't blame him. This wasn't going to be easy for Remus. Then again, when had Remus' life ever been easy?

'Alright, alright let's not get too sloppy about this. You might be a bit bent but you're not a flaming girl!'

'No I'm not,' the werewolf chuckled softly and then his face turned hard with resolve, 'and I'm not going to let anyone treat me like one.'

And right there and then Peter didn't doubt it.

-

'We've just been learning about you in Care of Magical Creatures fairy!' Laughter broke out from a group of boy's Remus had just passed as he continued to walk down the second floor corridor. He chose to ignore the remark but noted the Liverpudlian accent it was made in and decided Eddie Vine would be getting what came to him as soon as revenge was cold enough to serve. Preferably something involving wings and glitter and a whole lot of embarrassment.

It was only eleven o'clock on the Monday morning after the revelation about his sexuality was made to the whole of Gryffindor common room and he'd four variations of the fairy insult hurled at him; as well as at least seven instances of 'faggot' being hissed at him; a few 'poof''s and pretty much most of the Great Hall staring at him while he ate his toast this morning. He'd risen to it a few times; especially when the insults had been particularly venomous but by the time the first class had started and he'd already earned him a detention for being caught giving Adrian Tarney a lace tying jinx precariously close to the top of a stair case he'd decided it wasn't worth the trouble.

To say things weren't going exactly how he thought they would this morning would be a complete lie. Last night he'd dreaded the start of classes (and therefore having to leave his dorm room) with so much dread that he'd managed to get a sleeping draught from Madame Pomfrey. The infirmary mistress had fixed him with a knowing stare, clearly having heard the rumours, before conceding and telling him to keep his chin up.

This was shit. Utterly shit. The last time he'd been at classes life had been normal. He'd been a fairly popular boy, what with being one of the Marauders, and the only people who'd shown him some kind of animosity had been the Slytherins. Now the whole school was against him regardless of what house they were from. 

It was shit and it just wasn't fair considering it was all bloody Sirius' fault. Fucking typical he'd somehow kept his nose clean in all this!

Not that Remus would have wanted his friend to go through any of this. Especially when he had rebuffed any accusations people made about Remus trying to come on to him. Which Remus was kind of grateful for. He'd heard from Peter that Sirius had told James that when he'd asked what had happened. The story he gave him was that Remus had merely come out to him and that he had freaked out. At least he hadn't dragged Remus' name through the dirt any more by making him out to be some kind of homo predator. He hadn't mentioned any of his own actual involvement and inclinations but then again Sirius was heavily in denial so why would he?

They had been keeping out one another's roads these past two days and although Remus was initially hurt Sirius had kept his distance he was now pleased he had. He himself needed some space to deal with his own problems. He didn't need the drama he knew was inevitably going to spew from Sirius concerning all this too.

He just needed to get through this until all the taunting died down. Then he could deal with Sirius and that twat Eddie Vine.

-

'You know Remus if you're still getting trouble because of what everyone found out you could always go to MaGonagall about it,' Lily Evans fretted as Remus walked with her back from their prefect duties one night.

She'd been nothing short of amazing over the last week; keeping him company when Peter couldn't and keeping him preoccupied with study sessions. He'd also caught her discreetly hexing a group of fourth year boys who'd been sneering and making jibes toward him on the Divinations staircase yesterday. Not that having a girl fight his battles done anything for his public image regarding his masculinity but then again Remus felt strongly about the fact that he had nothing to prove. He was all man. He could let others underestimate him to their own detriment. 

This advice, however, had not been her shining moment.

'There is no way in hell I'm letting MaGonagall know what's been happening,' he shook his head profusely, 'it's bad enough coming out to the whole of the school. Explaining my that to her is going to be nothing short of a nightmare.'

And probably on par with telling his parents. Oh no, no, no!

'I think she'll already know to be honest,' Lily grimaced a little, 'Not a lot gets by her.'

'Then if that's the case she should know what kind of week I've had and she can come to me,' he replied and it was true. If any of the school faculty had known Remus was going through a bad time they certainly made no move to help him. 

'You don't need to suffer through all this. That's all I'm saying,' the redhead said kindly and placed a hand supportively on his arm. 

'I'm not,' he tried to reassure her and he was only lying a little. He knew this was going to pass at some point. He just needed to keep his head down and concentrate on what mattered to him; his friends and his studies, 'And thanks by the way. You've been a good friend throughout all of this.'

'Why wouldn't I be?' Lily smiled and looped an arm through Remus', 'Now we can study together and talk about boys.'

The werewolf rolled his eyes at this, 'You do realise that I'm obligated by oath to speak to you about James potter and James Potter alone?'

He received a smack on the arm for that one.

'Prat!' Lily giggled, 'in that case we'll just concentrate on you, yes? Has anyone caught your fancy?'

Remus grimaced. After everything that had happened he wasn't completely certain where he stood with the boy he fancied, 'I think all things considered I'm going to be very lucky to get a date again while I'm still at school.'

'Oh come on! I refuse to believe you're the only guy in this school with the same inclinations as you. Statistically speaking there must be at least some!'

Well Remus certainly knew of at least one other but, like he'd already reasoned, he wasn't sure that was a viable option anymore.

'And the girls? What girl in her right mind is going to want to go out with the school poof?'

'Plenty,' his petite friend reassured him and brought the pair to a standstill so she could place a kiss on his cheek.

What the...

'Lily, I'm flattered...' He flustered; his mind going wild trying to work out how to express his disinterest. James would fucking kill him for start or castrate him; then no boy or girl would ever look at him twice.

And he received yet another smack on the arm.

'Sorry to disappoint you Lupin but you're not really my type.'

'Too poofy for ya?' He shot her a rye smile to show he was only teasing, 'Not wearing glasses? Hair isn't shit?'

And more arm slapping ensued.

'As if!' The green eyed beauty cried out in mock indignation, 'There are other boys who express an interest in me you know and none of them stalk me. The ability to stalk a girl is not a desirable quality in a man.'

'Yeah but you've got to admire his drive and persistence.' Lilly simply chuckled and Remus couldn't help but wonder if she secretly did like the stalking; just a little bit.

The pair continued to walk arm in arm in companionable silence when Remus came to a sudden halt as he remembered something.

'Shit! I left my books in that alcove by the kitchens!' 

'I'll come back with you if you like,' his friend offered but there was no need.

'Nah, you go on. There's no point in us both going back all the way. I'll see you at breakfast in the morning, yeah?' He asked as he began to retreat down the corridor in search of his mislaid books.

He wasn't far off from where he knew he had left them when he ran into a group of boys he knew were far from being where they should have been. Stood in front of him were three boys he instantly recognised to be seventh year Slytherins. Gethin Gibbon; a Welsh boy that shared the same white hair and sharp cheekbones as his cousin a few times removed, Lucius Malfoy. Alecto Carrow; the twin brother of Amycus Carrow. He shared a lot of similarities with his sister meaning they were both built like shit brick houses; they both were dim witted beyond belief and they both could easily be manipulated into carrying out the dirty work for the Slytherin seniors who didn't want to get their hands dirty. James and Sirius often referred to them as the Henchmen. Then there was Thander Xaivius; a green eyed boy with black hair very similar to Sirius'. Remus usually tried to stay out his way despite his friend's penchant for Slytherin baiting. He'd heard a few too many nasty rumours about the boy with the nastiest being the unhinged attack he had made on Thorfinn Rowle during the last summer holidays. The boy had been left with scaring on his face that'd put Remus' own to shame and if the attack proved anything it was that Thander didn't discriminate on who his victims were. Slytherin, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, muggle or pure blood; if he didn't like you, he got you. 

'Well, well, well! If it isn't the faggot of Gryffindor,' the oldest of the three boys, Gibbon, leered nastily before giving him a filthy look from head to toe, 'What are we doing so far away from your tower so late at night?'

'No doubt looking for someone to fuck him, the desperate little sod that he is,' Thander Xaivius spat at him in disgust, 'What's wrong? Has every prick in Gryffindor got tired of you already?'

Remus poised himself, not allowing the older boys to intimidate him. He knew there was a very likely chance he was about to get the shit hexed out of him but he wasn't going to go down the push over they clearly believed he was, 'I'm returning from prefect duties not that I have to answer to the likes of you.'

He might have been terrified of the boy but he was going to stand his ground. Remus could duel with the best of them and after the week he'd have, being outnumbered three to one didn't bother him all too much. He felt a little reckless after all the shit he'd gotten. He lowered his wand from his sleeve and prepared for the inevitable as the three boys crowded him.

'Get his wand Carrow!' Gibbon commanded and quicker than Remus had ever expected the boy merely grabbed at it and yanked it out of his hands. Remus had been expecting to be disarmed magically; perhaps the boy wasn't as stupid as he thought. He watched as Carrow merely discarded it over his shoulder and let the wand clatter on the cold stone floor.

'The likes of us?!' The Xaivius boy called out in indignation, 'How dare you! You little half-breed poof! The likes of you isn't fit enough to be buggered by my crups!'

'Been doing that a lot have we?' The werewolf sneered back, 'I knew some of you pure blood types were twisted fucks but beastility just proves how barking mad you really are!'

The Hawthorn wand of Xaivius was pushed into his neck instantly and he was pushed against the stone wall behind him,'Smart mouth you've got on you, queer. I think I'll shut you up. That way you won't be able to utter a single curse,' And the boy menacingly pushed his face into Remus' own and smiled manically, 'or scream for help.'

Remus fought to get away but the boy was too strong and too quick to cast his spell, 'Silencio!'

It worked. Remus could no longer utter a word no matter how much he tried and screamed into his captors face and when he received a punch on the jaw his cries of pain were mute. 

'Feisty little mud blood isn't he?' Gibbon chuckled from behind the boy who still held Remus against the wall, 'I'm going to enjoy this.'

Remus had to think. There was no way he was going to get out of this without being able to cast a single spell. He could try to physically fight for his freedom but he knew he was no match for the three boys. They were all bigger than him for a start, especially Carrow who was the biggest boy in the school and there was the fact that he was outnumbered. No. He had to think of something. He needed to find a way to use his magic both without a wand and without a voice. Trying either of these were difficult but together must be near impossible.

'I almost feel sorry for him,' Gibbon continued to goad him, 'He's no better than a frilly little girl. Perhaps it won't be a fair fight?'

Oh it'll be a fair fight. Remus felt the hot rage of anger boil deep down in his gut.

'Perhaps we should go get your sister Alecto. She'd enjoy beating seven shades of shit out him!'

'I rather think we will too,' Xaivius smirked.

'Not a chance,' Remus refused in his head.

Remembering what he had been taught only months ago about both wandless and nonverbal magic the outnumbered boy let a calm concentration overcome him. The wand that was being pressed into his neck was going to removed. By him. He could visualise it. He could feel how the magic was going to flow from him to make it happen. He was going to disarm his opponent with his mind and he was going to be safe. He knew it in his heart and in every cell of his body.

'Have you ever used an unforgivable?' The white haired boy asked his friend who stood before him and even at the mention of their dreadful intentions Remus refused to lose heart.

'No,' Xaivius admitted regretfully but a triumphant grin took over his features quickly, 'but I'd like the practice of one.'

And even when he could see the manic glint in the dark haired boy's green eyes, he did not lose focus. He could feel the magical energy thrum through him and he now knew it was only matter of time that he'd be able to unleash it. 

'Let's see. I've always wondered what it would feel like to have someone completely at my mercy. Soon all you mudbloods and half breeds will be. Better get some practice in. I want my Cruciatus curse to be perfect.'

And now was the time for him to let it go.

'Cru...'

'Expelliarmus' his mind screamed and as the wand pointed at him flew into the air Remus ducked to the ground and missed two curses that were fired directly towards him by his other two foes.

'How dare you take my wand!!!!' The disarmed boy screamed in anger as the werewolf scrambled towards his own. He was so close to it. His fingertips had nearly reached for it when he was pulled bodily from the ground and was slammed into the wall; this time face first.

'How the fuck did he manage that?' Remus heard the dumb voice of Carrow behind him.

'Shut up you fool!' Xaivius barked crushing Remus closer into the wall.

'You little cunt!' The voice of the stung boy seethed into his ear, 'You dare to try and humiliate me? A dirty little sodomite like yourself should know their place!'

Flecks of spit sprayed his face and for some reason the manic boys hands moved to hold him at his waist.

'I dare say you're humiliated every night Lupin. You probably go to bed with your arse red raw and covered in shame every night. Do they all pound into you? One by one lined up to have a go?'

Oh gods. Why did it sound like Xaivius enjoyed the thought of his?

'And you fucking take it like the dirty little whore that you are.'

Remus' blood ran cold as an understanding of where this might be going over came him and he began to struggle free.

'Do you like the idea of me humiliating you faggot?' And the fingertips of the menacing boy began to dig deep into his hips.

No. No. No. This was not going to happen.

'I'll make you scream like the little bitch you are. Then Gibbon here will have a go. Then we'll let Carrow here destroy you.'

He tried to conjure up the same feelings as before but concentrating when facing this kind of terror was not an easy task. He couldn't let this happen though.

'He's a big lad Carrow,' Gibbon laughed cruelly, 'Doesn't know his own strength either.'

'Shame I put that spell on you,' And now Remus could feel his robes being lifted, 'I think I might have enjoyed hearing you sob all the way through this.'

No, no, no, no, no!

And fingers were on the waistband of his underwear poised to pull them down. Oh god. Shit. He needed to break free... He needed to...

'Incarcerous!'

All of a sudden the hands were no longer on him and when Remus quickly turned he found three things. James Potter standing with his wand trained on the other two boys; Thander Xaivius tied in a heap on the floor and that he had the ability to run across the corridor to where his wand was still lying on the floor.

'What the bloody fuck is going on here?!' The thunderous voice of his best friend called out once Remus was by his side. His myopic eyes were wide with outrage.

'We were just taking our turn with your little play thing Potter. Did those liberal blood traitors you call parents never teach you how to share?' Gibbon said sardonically as he slowly raised his wand to prepare for what was no doubt about to come to him.

Remus could see the dawning apprehension burn briefly behind the glasses of his friend. It then quickly steeled itself into rage.

'You touch him again and I'll fucking gut you with your own wand,' the Animagus snarled, 'And I won't use magic to do it.'

'My! My! How sweet!' The a Welsh boy said sarcastically, 'I always knew the Gryffindor boys were indeed sweet on one another. Bunch of queers and traitors the lot of you!'

'And what if we are, eh?' Remus' eyes widened in shock when hearing that. He never thought any of them would willingly allow themselves to be labeled as he had nastily been all week, 'You think that's a reason to mess with us? Funny how it takes three of you slimy lot against one of us queers!'

'We just like to share our fun with our friends.'

'Yeah and we like to share our troubles with ours!' James screamed back and instantly the fight was on. 

Now that Remus had his wand back the task of casting a spell with no voice was slightly easier now he had something to channel his magic through. It was still harder than it usually should be but it was do-able. 

'Alarte Ascendre!' His mind screamed as he pointed his wand towards Carrow and up he shot in the air and landed with a thud on the cold stone floor. James had already attacked Gibbon with a stunning spell but it had narrowly missed him. In between recasting a spells he noticed his friend look at him curiously for a split second; as if trying to fathom why the biggest boy of the group had fallen when no spell had been called.

'Stupify!' James called again but once again it missed its mark and Gibbon raised his wand to fire straight back at him when Remus got in there first and repeated the spell silently in his head. The boy fell to the floor and Remus finally had time to point his own wand to himself to perform a finite incantatem.

'Are you alright?' James asked him; looking frighteningly concerned.

'Yeah,' Remus croaked; his voice hoarse from the use of the spell on him while he was under stress.

'What the bloody hell was that all about?' James understandably continued with his questioning.

'That's exactly what I would like to know,' a stern voice tore in before Remus even had the chance to answer. Both standing boys turned and found Professor MaGonagall standing merely metres away from them; her face like thunder and her feet in slippers, 'To the headmaster's office immediately!'

-

'We shouldn't have got them expelled,' Remus commented as they walked the halls after being realised from Dumbledore's office. They had spent an hour there detailing exactly what had happened; down to every last humiliating detail thanks to James. 

'Are you kidding! They got themselves expelled Moony after what they tried to do to you!'

'It was nothing...'

'No it bloody was not!' James flared in anger and came to a stop in the middle of the corridor.

'Shhh!' A near by portrait that they could only hear and not see chastised them for being too loud and the Animagus flipped a V in the direction he thought it had come from.

'They can't get away with doing that sort of stuff Moony! Not to you! Not to anyone! What if it had been a girl, eh?'

'But it wasn't. It was me...they were just trying to frighten me.'

'So? You think that makes it more acceptable? Bloody hell! You don't deserve that! You don't deserve any of the shit you've been getting all week! The amount of times Sirius and I have had to threaten people for even mentioning your name!'

'You did?'

'Of course we did! We're your mates!' He cried out in exasperation before letting out a weary sigh, 'Look I know I've been... Quiet over this whole thing... I just needed to get my head around it and thought you might have needed some space, I know how you like time to think Moony, but I now see I was wrong in doing so. I abandoned you and I always said I wouldn't...'

'You didn't abandoned me...'

'I did. I didn't mean to but I did. Well no more. I don't care if you're a bloody poof or half a bloody poof. If you're gay down the left side and straight down the right. I don't give a shit! As long as you're still Moony then we're still mates. It might be weird the first time you get a boyfriend but then again it was weird when you first got a girlfriend so I suppose all the weirdness isn't going to be all that weird after all!'

Remus chuckled for what he thought was possibly for the first genuine time that week. He full on laughed when he was pulled into a bear hug.

'Mates don't hate mates because their mates want a cock up their arse,' James said into his neck.

'Wow Prongs,' Remus found himself smiling despite his sarcastic tone, 'Do you rehearse these speeches.'

'Every morning in the mirror,' the bespeckled boy grinned as he released him, 'I can give you 'Sure Sirius if you want to marry a relative that's okay with me. As long as you're happy and I'm made godfather to your cousin-daughter I'm happy for you!' Or 'No Peter! I think it's sexy when a girl towers over her bloke like whatever-her-name-will-be does with you! Height doesn't matter when you're both lying down!' And a few involving a somewhat more and more likely acceptance of Sirius and MaGonagall getting eloped and one about you dedicating yourself to a life of celibacy in order to spend your days rubbing yourself with books.'

'Always with the books!' Remus sighed in playful frustration.

'Yes! And it doesn't matter if it's with boy or girl books now.'

Remus gave him a puzzled look, 'You didn't get hit on the head with a hex did you?'

'Nah. Old Dumbles probably laced his lemon fizzes with something. No doubt why his eyes are always twinkling!' 

The pair shared a laugh and continued walking towards the tower. 

'Seriously though,' James interrupted their companionable silence and looked thoroughly serious, 'I will fucking destroy anyone who tries to mess with you. Although judging by what I seen earlier you don't need too much of it.'

'Well I wouldn't say no to some when it's three against one...'

'I mean about the nonverbal spells you were doing,' the messy haired boy elaborated with a look of wonder, 'I can barely do them in class when I'm concentrating but doing one in a fight! Cor! You need to teach me how to do it!'

'I managed to do it without my wand before you showed up. I disarmed Xaivius and that's pretty much why he got a bit... Well, you saw.'

James stopped dead in his tracks again.

'Fuck,' he simply said as he looked a little awestruck.

'What?'

'It's just that only really powerful wizards can do that Moony. Mastering wandless or nonverbal on their own can be a bit tricky but both...' He whistled instead of continuing.

Remus thought this through for a moment. He knew it had been tricky and he knew he was fairly good at defence but to call himself powerful. He doubted that very much.

'Professor Lexter should probably just go ahead and pass you for the year...'

'Professor Lexter isn't going to find out,' the werewolf insisted in panic, 'and neither is anyone else. Please James, I don't want the others to find out.'

'Even Sirius and Peter?'

'Especially Sirius and Peter. If they were to find out what nearly happened to me tonight... Sirius'll probably get himself expelled trying to get revenge and it's humiliating enough being the school poof, let alone the school poof who nearly...' And he let his words trail off there.

'People are going to notice Xaivius and Gibbon missing from the Great Hall tomorrow and these things have a habit of getting around.'

'Then we'll stick to the version where we were trading hexes, nothing more. Please? They've been punished. I don't want to be the victim.'

After a searching look James finally nodded, 'Alright then. If that's what you want but I'm still looking out for you. Nobody messes with a Marauder and gets away with it. We've been too slack. Next time the whole school will think twice.'

'Thanks mate,' Remus smiled in embarrassment.

'What are best friends for, eh?' James slung an arm round his shoulder, 'I know you'd do the same for me.'

And he would, Remus mused, nobody messed with the Marauders.


	11. Fear.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius reflects on what's happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely happy with this part. It probably should have been in chapter 10 but meh!

'So she told me she'd meet me tonight behind the greenhouses! And I think she actually means it!' Peter exclaimed excitedly at the breakfast table as Sirius watched him through tired eyes. It wasn't really on to be at that level of excitement on a Monday morning. Not on at all. Yet Sirius had zero energy to do anything about it; he couldn't even be bothered to make a snide remark.

He'd been exhausted for a while now and this wasn't solely due to the conventional Monday lethargy that everyone seemed to suffer from from time to time. He'd been tired for over a week now because for over a week he had had a never ending nervousness consume him. His every thought consisted of him fretting over the truth. The truth, the truth, the truth. It was all he could think about. What would happen if people knew the truth about him? What would happen if people knew that he had a secret he was deeply ashamed of? He had seen first hand what had happened to Remus and like the total coward he was he worried that he too would have to face the same treatment.

It was pretty much a foreign concept to him before this week; fear. Sirius never usually felt it; not since he was a child and had to withstand the wrath of his mother on a daily basis. But he had soon grown used to that and his clever mind had worked out the best ways of avoiding it or blocking it out. He'd usually strut around these halls with so much confidence that even he could admit was actually arrogance. He could duel with the best of them. He could flirt with the rest of them. He could charm the pants off any adult that tried to put him in his place. But this... 

This had him terrified.

'She's pretty isn't she?' Their chatty friend sought out validation from the others;looking to James, as always, first. The bespeckled boy looked just as tired as Sirius felt but he was obviously feeling in an indulging mood.

'She sure is,' the messy haired boy smiled kindly as he buttered his toast, 'I think she's the prettiest girl you've ever had mate.'

'And I think she seems genuine,' the happy boy enthused, 'she hasn't asked me anything about you lot so I don't think she's after you two,' he pointed his own knife toward James and Sirius and then seemed to realise his manners, 'Or you Remus... well...'

Well indeed.

'I doubt any of the girls in the school are after me now,' the werewolf smiled wanly, 'they all think I'm not interested in them anymore.'

Sirius watched him from underneath his fringe. He couldn't really understand why the girls wouldn't still want him regardless of the rumours. He was still good looking; always had been in that quiet understated way of his. Sirius certainly thought he was. Even with his downcast eyes and recently shrunken demeanour he was still captivating... That scared him too.

'More fool them,' James echoed his thoughts with a friendly clap to the Lycanthrope's shoulder, 'Any bird would be lucky to have you even if you do like the sausage too.'

Remus' smile broadened at the good natured teasing and Sirius felt something tingle inside him at the now rare sight. It was luminous; it lit up his whole face and a Sirius felt like crying because of it. The werewolf pointed down towards James' breakfast plate and his smile grew even bigger.

'By the looks of it so do you!' He joked back and sure enough the plate was filled with pork sausages.

'Well fair enough,' James conceded in good nature and picked one up from the plate, 'I suppose I'm a bit of a sausage lover too then!' 

All the boys laughed with the exception of Sirius. Instead he just sat and watched as Remus chuckled along with the joke. How could he sit there and be so fine with it all? The whole school was laughing about him not only behind his back but right in his face. He wished he had that sort of bravery; to not care about what people thought of him but he did.

He wished he'd made him laugh like that too but they hadn't spoken to one another in over a week now; they simply quietly tolerated one another's presence with eyes that never made contact and the unspoken insistence that they were never left alone together. They weren't hostile towards one another but it was awkward.

Sirius hadn't a clue how to go about getting their friendship back to how it had been. He'd apologised to Remus through James because he hadn't the nerve to talk to the boy himself and the longer he waited; the more anxious he felt about it. How did you start a conversion like that? He couldn't exactly go up to him and say: 'Sorry about all that trouble I caused you but I'd very much like it if we could get back to shagging in secret now.' No; that wouldn't do at all.

He was still watching the other boy laugh when Remus looked up and caught his eye. Something in Sirius' chest stuttered to a halt and he was fairly certain he was having some kind of heart attack. Panicking he rose to his feet and quickly tried to think of a good getaway excuse. His stupid, stupid mind came up blank.

'Left my transfig essay in the dorm!' He declared in a somewhat manic fashion.

Remus fixed him with a confused look; that old 'you can't fool me' one that Sirius always fought against to prove wrong, 'It's not due until tomorrow.'

His words were softly spoken but the fact that he was talking directly to Sirius sent the dark haired boy into a bit of a tizz.

'I know...' He babbled as he almost tripped over the table bench, 'but I want to... add more stuff to it... like words and things,' Why was his bag choosing to get lodged under the bench leg today? He gave it a few hearty tugs and nearly fell over with it, 'To make it look better... or read better... or me smarter...'

Yeah, real smart Sirius.

All three of his friends looked at him as if he were the biggest moron to walk the earth which, right now, he totally felt.

'I'll see you all later... or not...because I'll be in the library... or wherever...'

Why was he acting like a bumbling idiot? Oh yeah! Because he was one. He gave the boys a quick wave of dismissal and rushed away as fast as he could.

'Have you two swapped bodies?' He heard James ask, presumably to Remus, as he walked toward the Great Hall's exit. No, Sirius thought to himself, but they do have extensive knowledge of one another's.

-

'I swear to fuck if I ever hear you say anything like that about my friend I'm going to cut your dick off and ram it up your arse!'

The fifth year Gryffindor who'd made the slight against Remus from the safety of his position in the stands whilst James and Sirius were at practice looked absolutely petrified as James held him pinned against the back wall of the stadium. He'd been trying to distract James when the Gryffindor team had been split into two in order to practice a full length game. With his friends on the opposite side from the two Marauders he'd obviously decided to give them a helping hand from his position as a spectator by shouting something vulgar about the recently outed boy. Bad move. Very bad move. James had managed to remain stoic throughout the rest of the game and gave the lad the false impression that he'd gotten away with it. Sirius had to admire his best friend's capacity to not act rashly. Somehow James had developed the virtue of patience and now he was using it to full affect. He also had to admire his new found inventiveness when it came to threats; he'd had to issue a hell of a lot recently.

'Do you think you'd like that?' He pushed his face somehow even further into the terrified boy's. 

'No,' the boy squeaked; he looked as if he was about to piss himself in fear.

'Then keep that nasty mouth of yours shut!' 

James let him drop unceremoniously to the ground and turned to Sirius with a triumphant smile as if hadn't just moments ago been seething in anger.

'That's my second one today,' he commented as they began their way back towards the castle. It was one of those days in April where spring seemed to have taken everyone by surprise. The day previous had been chilly and overcast but today the sun shone brightly and half the school were lounging around on the school grounds trying to soak up as much good weather as they could, 'They've got to stop at some point but until they do...' He left the threat hanging in the air; it didn't need to be said that James' would continue to fight Remus' corner no matter what or how long it'd take. 

'Speaking of which have you spoken to him yet?'

'Of course!' The lie jumped from Sirius' mouth before he could have it schooled to sound more natural.

James could only hum in reply; clearly not believing him.

'I got detention for smacking Yaxley in the jaw earlier. He'd been spouting the usual about Moony so I gave him what he deserved.'

'Still not the same as actually talking to him though, is it?' James kept his eyes forward as they walked, 'It's not his fault you freaked out when he came out to you Pads.'

It wasn't Remus' fault for any of this, Sirius admitted to himself. Then there was the fact that Sirius was a lot more comfortable with the other boy's preferences than anyone needed to know.

It wasn't that he didn't want to speak to his friend; it was just that he had absolutely no idea how to apologise for something that had technically been all his fault. He felt terrible that Remus was the sole victim of the taunting and bullying from the rest of the school when Sirius should have been receiving it too. Yet that was nothing compared to the shame he knew he'd feel if people did know about his involvement with the other boy. What Remus had been through this past week or so had been nothing short of brutal and it absolutely terrified Sirius. He knew he was a coward for thinking this way but he couldn't cope at the thought of being called a 'fag' or 'queer' or anything like that in the halls when people didn't know the full story. They wouldn't understand that Sirius was actually straight but just, well, happened to fancy another boy; they wouldn't care. They'd jump to the wrong conclusion and everyone would think he was like Remus. He wasn't like Remus! He wasn't bisexual like the other boy could admit to being. At least Remus was being taunted about being something he actually was. Sirius was straight. He was straight and the rest of the school didn't need to know anything that might point to anything otherwise. 

'What are you thinking about?' James asked him but Sirius knew he already knew the answer; or some variation of it at least.

'Remus,' he admitted.

'He's still the same as he used to be. Even I thought this was going to change things; knowing this about him. He's always been a bit different though hasn't he? How could he not be considering?' The mud covered boy reasoned maturely, 'but like I said he's still the same. The same swotty, sarcastic, brilliant bastard he's always been.'

Sirius could only marvel at how supportive James was being. The messy haired boy had always been fairly tolerant and open minded of other people; unless you counted the Slytherins but you couldn't really class them as people. Sirius supposed it came with having the Potters as parents. Yet to hear him talk of Remus' sexuality as if he were tolerating the werewolf's preference to raspberry jam over strawberry was just...

A part of him wished he could confide in his best friend about his own involvement with Remus but saying out loud might make it sound more sordid than it actually was (or even more because Sirius did quite enjoy how sordid it had been). It would make it too real and once it was out there there was no going back on it. No. Maybe one day he'd open up about it but until then he'd just have to let James be all supportive and mature towards Remus.

'It also means we get to scare the shit out of any boyfriends he introduces us to,' the Quidditch captain grinned in glee and the grey eyed boy had to force a smile to match his. Remus with a boyfriend... A boy that wasn't Sirius... His stomach lurched at the thought.

'Anyway I better be off,' said the boy Sirius now had a new found respect for, 'Evans should be finished her tutoring of the firsties in the dungeons and I do like the view of her as she walks up all those stairs to Gryffindor.'

Clearly he'd only matured in someways then.

'She's going to hex the bollocks off you,' Sirius warned him with a fond smile.

'One day she's going to have her hands on my bollocks mate. It's a price I need to pay in the mean time!' He grinned madly, 'Catch you later!' And he was off running the rest of the way toward the castle.

Sirius stopped and watched him for a few moments and pondered over their conversation. James had definitely been right. He did need to speak to Remus. So many other people weren't and it wasn't fair that Sirius was one of them. He'd go see him now and get it sorted. He just needed to work out what the hell he was going to say.

-

'I see you've dropped your little half blood pet.'

Sirius whirled around at the sound of his cousin's voice and fixed her with a steely glare. He was not in the mood for this and she'd pay for messing with him today. Bellatrix grinned broadly; either enjoying the sight of her cousin with his back up or stupidly unaware she was about to get the hexing of her life for choosing the wrong moment to wind him up.

'It's good to see you have some standards cousin. I was beginning to get seriously worried about your moral upstanding but it seems even you draw the line at keeping company with dirty little sodimites.'

While it were true he and Remus hadn't spent any time together over this last week it certainly wasn't that Sirius had severed all ties with him. He'd be damned if he'd let Bella bad mouth Remus in the way that she was doing.

'If you dare speak of him again like that I'll rip your fucking throat out!' He seethed in her direction.

'Oh?' And the girl looked entirely too pleased at his reaction as she walked fully out of the alcove she'd been standing in, 'So you do enjoy the company of a little sod like him. So I see some of the rumours are true.'

Sirius wasn't stupid. He knew based on what had happened in the common room last week was bound to have some kind of hearsay attached to it and he certainly knew stories of what had been going on between he and Remus to cause such a stand off in the first place must have been circulating too. He was fine with that. Many jibes had been made towards his close friendship with James over the years and he'd been able to cope with that. Stories were just stories; made up. As long as nobody knew the actual facts he was fine.

He let out a snort of derision and turned to walk away, 'You're pathetic,' he called over his shoulder. He was only a few paces down the hall when his older cousin began to speak again.

'Not as pathetic as that queer. Haven't you been wandering why Xaivius and Gibbons have been expelled?'

Sirius stopped in his tracks. He knew he shouldn't be rising to the bait but their disappearance from school had been rather conspicuous and to hear Remus mentioned, however lewdly, in connection piqued his interest.

'What are you on about?' He asked gruffly as he turned around. Bellatrix's smile grew even more manic than he thought possible; at was as if she was feeding off this confrontation as if she were gaining some kind of strength from it. 

'Your little pet narrowly missed what was coming to him,' she informed him with a delight that was definitely indecent, 'I dare say he'd have been left in pieces if Xaivius, Gibbons and Carrow hadn't been disturbed by that Potter friend of yours.'

What was she on about? If Remus had really nearly missed a beating from the older Slytherin boys and James had broken it up surely his best mate would have told him?

'Ohh!' The depraved young lady cooed mockingly at him, 'Has someone had a secret kept from them from their bestest, bestest friends ever?'

She was mad. That was the only answer.

'You're barking,' the grey eyed boy informed her and made to walk away again.

'Perhaps he was too ashamed to let his master know he was nearly taken against his will?' The girl pondered aloud wistfully before her tone darkened, 'although I'm guessing the little runt would have loved every second of it!'

Sirius' eyes widened in horror. She couldn't be... He hadn't nearly been...

'What the fuck are you saying?' He ground out; fed up her games and wishing she'd just spit it out.

'Xaivius and Gibbons,' she stated plainly, 'Got caught trying to teach that little whelp who was in charge in a manner he is no doubt accustomed to.'

'You're lying!' The dark haired boy who looked so much like the girl who stood before him reeled in shock.

'Carrow was there and couldn't keep his gob shut about it. That heavy lump really needs to learn the act of discretion if you ask me. And there's the fact that they've been expelled -what- two, three months before graduation? Think about it dearest cousin. They must have done something pretty awful for the old fool to dole out that kind of punishment.'

'You're lying,' he echoed his words completely at a loss of what to say. Those boys had tried to... And James had... And nobody had told him....

Before he even knew what he was doing he was marching toward Gryffindor tower.

'Oops! Perhaps I shouldn't have told you!' He heard Bellatrix call from the spot where he had left her; her manic giggling echoing in the corridor behind him.

-

'Out!' Sirius crashed into the dormitory completely unaware of who else occupied the room save for the boy sat in the bed his attention was solely on. Remus sat up startled and exchanged a glance with who he assumed to be Peter...

'Sirius what the...' He was right and the glare he fixed Peter with was enough to cut the words in his mouth dead.

'Remus?' The naturally timid boy turned to the werewolf for guidance.

'Remus and I need to have a little chat,' Sirius said through gritted teeth and didn't let his gaze waver from the boy in question for a second. Remus studied him for a moment before nodding his consent that Peter could in fact leave him.

'And if you see Potter coming up to the dorm tell him he's not welcome at the moment,' the incensed boy added in clipped tones. He waited for the sound of the dormitory door clicking shut before he began.

'Is it true?' He demanded; barely in control of his fierce tone. His whole body was shaking in rage and he had to clench his muscles in order to suppress it.

Remus blinked up at him from his position on his own bed, strewn as always with leafs of parchment, and looked nothing short of bewildered, 'is what true?'

'You know what I'm talking about.'

The amber eyed boy continued to look at him in complete puzzlement before jokingly answering, 'Well you're the one who outed me to the school because you have first hand knowledge of me being...'

'Not that!' He cut in fiercely.

'Then...?'

'Xaivius. Gibbons. Carrow,' he enunciated each name clearly so there could be no confusion and there appeared there was none. The colour from his friend's face had completely drained.

'Who told you?' The panic stricken one demanded weakly.

So there it was; absolutely no denial. He'd been hoping for this to be all some cruel joke.

'I can't believe this is true,' the dark haired boy despaired and began tugging at his own hair. He couldn't believe this. He'd hoped he'd just fallen for one of Bellatrix's wind ups but it seemed he hadn't and it was true. It was true. Those boys had tried to...

He stared at the boy who'd nearly fallen victim to the sick whims of those... fuckers and something inside him ached. The thought of anyone hurting him in that way... This boy right here who Sirius had practically grown up with. This boy who Sirius had once vowed to protect. This boy who he'd shared so many wonderful memories with; before and after they started to share a bed. How could anyone ever want to hurt Remus? His Remus?

The tears formed in his eyes without any warning and the next thing he knew he was clinging to the bed post trying to keep it together. He'd let this happen. He'd failed his best friend. He'd let his own stupidness get in the way of protecting him when he needed it the most.

'Padfoot?' And now Remus looked even more bewildered at the sight of him crying than he had done when Sirius had all but burst down the door only a few moments ago. He quickly felt the other boy's hands on his arms and let himself be tugged down onto the bed where Remus had been sitting.

'It's all my fault. If I hadn't outed you to the entire school... They wouldn't have come near you... It's all my stupid bloody fault!'

'They were Slytherins. They're always out to get someone. I was just unlucky I guess,' Remus tried to reassure him and Sirius couldn't believe his ears.

'They tried to...' He couldn't say the words; he just couldn't, 'please tell me what happened. Please?' His stomach churned at the thought of knowing but the idea of imagining it to be worse than it actually was also the last thing he wanted. He watched through blurry eyes as Remus shifted and fidgeted; clearly trying to work out what he should do for the best. Eventually he nodded that he would and began from the beginning.

'So they didn't get you in the end?' Sirius sniffed once the re-telling of the ordeal was over. He felt marginally better for hearing it but he couldn't say he felt any relief. Remus should not have gone through all that in the first place.

'Thanks to James,' The werewolf weakly smiled and Sirius could only marvel at how brave he had been.

'Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't James tell me?' He implored. If he had known he would have killed the bastards before they had the chance to leave this place, 'I know we weren't speaking properly but...'

'It wasn't like that,' the werewolf reassured him quickly, 'we both knew how you'd react. I especially knew how you'd react and I didn't want you carted off to Azkahban because of what those fools tried to do to me. I couldn't stand the thought of you not... of you not being around Sirius. I made James swear not to tell you. You know he wouldn't keep anything from you willingly.'

The teary eyed boy thought this through and could accept the pair did indeed have a valid reason to not tell him. He knew he was rash and stupidly pig headed and probably would have made the situation ten times worse.

'I would have as well,' he admitted and grabbed his friend's hand as if to drive the point of how passionately he would have done it. Remus looked down to their joined hands apprehensively for a moment and something shattered in Sirius in that moment. To have Remus look so unsure around him was something he had had enough of. They needed to make amends; properly.

'Moony,' he said tentatively as he shifted closer to the other boy on the bed 'Can I kiss you? I want to kiss you.'

Remus fixed him with a searching look for so long that he began to worry he wasn't going to be allowed to. He needed to do this. He really, really needed to be close with him again.

'You don't need to ask me permission,' the amber haired boy told him softly and there was something unsaid that lingered in the air. Sirius thought he knew what it was but was too frightened to acknowledge it openly. Instead he moved closer to the boy and joined his lips with his so they met in what could possibly be described as a chaste kiss. Except this couldn't be described as an innocent peck between two friends; it was far too tender to be considered that and it contained too many feelings left unspoken for it to be as uncomplicated as one. 

The pair eventually pulled back but only slightly so since Sirius couldn't face losing the intimacy so soon. Instead he curled his arms around his friend's waist and rested his head on his shoulder. He knew he was being soft but right now he really couldn't give a shit.

'I still think this is all of my fault. If I hadn't bleedin' blurted out you were gay in front of the whole common room in the first place none of this would have happened."

'Hush. You wouldn't have if I hadn't been having a go at you; putting pressure on you to...' The werewolf trailed off there for a moment and Sirius pulled back to see that his face was frowning in the way that only deep thought brought on, 'I've been thinking about that actually,' he eventually continued, 'I don't think I was being very fair on you. There wasn't really anything wrong with how we were carrying on. I just started getting... Jealous I suppose.'

'Really?'

'Yeah,' the ashamed boy gave a small nod, 'So if you want to see girls and go on dates then... well I don't really need to give you permission... I guess I'm alright with it.'

The raven haired boy could only nod meekly in response. He felt retched agreeing to it but he didn't think he could be Remus'... boyfriend. He almost baulked at the thought. Sirius was straight no matter what. Remus turned him on; that much couldn't be disputed. He enjoyed the things they done late at night. He enjoyed the feeling of the other boy's body against his own as he they rubbed against one another; as they tasted each other's skin, mouths and areas that nobody else got to. Even outside of bed his best friend had him all hot under collar by doing nothing particularly out of the ordinary. He was just... Gah! And Sirius had never felt so sexy around another person in all his life! Sexy... yet ashamed.

He didn't know if he could give Remus everything he wanted despite caring for him more than he possibly cared for anyone else. He wasn't ready for it and he never thought he would be. He was petrified...

 


	12. Of Easter Holidays, Suspiciously Dirty T-Shirts and Homosexual Hands.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys meet some girls over the Easter Holidays and one in particular takes Remus' fancy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm aware there might be a few mistakes in this chapter but my internet access is horrid and a bit unpredictable so I'm getting this up while I can! So apologises in advance! Also my chapter titles are awful! Thanks for all your lovely comments! They're always appreciated and made me smile! :D

'We're going to be late!' Peter called out from the dormitory door, suitcase in hand and wearing robes in a state that rightly suggested they had just been thrown on in a panic. The boys had stuck to their old habit of sleeping too late on train day and leaving their packing to the last possible moment despite their good intentions to get up in time for breakfast that morning.

'Then sod off and get us a carriage if you're that bothered,' Sirius chastised him as he rummaged around under his duvet for something that was proving to be elusive. Remus turned just in time to see him find a crumpled Stones shirt that he vaguely remembered stripping him of about a week ago. Blushing furiously he turned away as his friend gave it an exploratory sniff before quickly putting it on. 

'S'alright,' James called out much more kindly to the panicked boy at he door, 'We're all ready now, aren't we lads?' 

'Indeed we are!' Sirius grinned with excitement. The boy couldn't look any happier if he'd tried, which was unusual for the end of term. Sirius' loathing of going home for the holidays was something every student of their year was more than aware of. Sometimes the last week of school was taken over by the boy's complete reluctance to go back to his family with Sirius declaring war on either his brother or cousins. Sometimes he'd be so upset that he'd clear the entire common room by merely walking into it since every other student was reluctant to get on his bad side. Back in third year he managed to get detention for the entire of January by giving nearly every male Slytherin pupil he came into contact with a black eye during the last week before the Christmas holidays. Yes, the end of term was often wrought with tension and violence when Sirius was concerned but this year was different because this year he'd avoided going home all together.

'It's going to be fucking ace at yours,' Sirius beamed as as slung his back pack on his shoulder, 'Two weeks with my best mate, what more can a bloke ask for?'

'Two weeks with a fit bird?' Peter supplied unhelpfully from the door.

'Au contraire Mr Wormtail! You're forgetting the fact that I live next door to the delectable Annabelle and word has it she's got a few of her friends coming for a visit!' James leered as he wrapped an arm around his house guest, ' We'll be neck deep in tits this year and I for one cannot wait!'

Remus rolled his eyes at that last piece of information. He could predict what was going to happen already. They'd no doubt befriend these girls. James would end up pulling one of them when drunk and then subject her to his mooning over Lily. He'd wax lyrical over how the green eyed girls fiery temper was just like her hair or how her pale skin was luminous and bewitching or some other tosh like that and whatever poor girl who had to play second fiddle to a girl she'd never met will inevitably slap him across the cheek/tell him to sod off/settle for Peter or all of the above. Sirius on the other hand was likely to single out the prettiest of the group; deliver some obnoxious flirting then find a private spot to snog/shag/mess around and then will proceed to pretend she never existed afterwards. All the while Remus will be chatted up by the left out friend and will need to come up with a thousand and one excuses why he doesn't want to find a spot to snog/shag/mess around/talk incessantly about someone else he fancies. It happened every time girls were mixed into the equation during the holidays and he knew for a fact this Easter vacation was going to be no different. Even with the changes with his 'relationship' with Sirius.

Ever since their make up only a couple of weeks ago the boys had scaled down the amount of time they spent in one another's beds. They still messed around together and enjoyed one another's bodies but it wasn't as frequent as it had been before. Remus wondered if this was, on Sirius' part, a choice that had been made in order to minimise the chances of being caught? The less time Sirius was in his bed meant there was less scope to have someone discover them in a compromising position right? The werewolf sincerely hoped so. Otherwise it might be a sign that Sirius was getting bored of what they were doing?

That didn't quite seem to be right though. During the time they did spend together getting up to their illicit activities the dark haired boy was extremely enthusiastic. Sometimes it felt like he was devouring Remus when they kissed; it was almost as if he had hungrily missed him. Then there was the fact that Sirius had only been out on one date with a girl since their fight...

No doubt he'd make up for that over the holidays if befriending these girls were to be on the agenda.

'Assuming they want to be anywhere near you, you smelly wanker!' Sirius shoved his best friend away, 'Have you had a shower this week? Jesus Christ!'

'That smell is all man and birds love it!'

'Yeah if she's part troll! Sodding hell!'

'Huh! Says the bloke who just stuck that shirt on! What the fuck is that stain on it?'

'Well I'm not planing on pulling anyone whilst wearing this, am I? Trust me when I say this but girls value a bit of hygiene!'

'Expert, are we? When was the last time you pulled? I haven't seen you with anyone!'

'Nobody's caught my fancy recently.'

'Well wait until you see Anna's friends! I guarantee one of them will! Hey Moony, maybe one'll tickle your fancy? Might help you get over the whole 'girls think I'm gay' disaster... and the Graves disaster too now that I come to think about it?'

'I dunno...'

'Don't worry, me and Sirius will get them warmed up for your arrival. Won't we?'

'Yeah...' Sirius smiled forcefully. Was that uncertainty in the boy's usual cocky voice?

*

'Remus darling, so glad you could make it!' Was the greeting he received when he walked through the fireplace into the kitchen of the Potter residence. Mrs Potter was beaming at him fondly as she approached him for a motherly welcome hug.

'My pleasure,' he said coyly as he found himself somehow almost smothered by her bosom despite the fact that he was now taller than her, 'Thanks for having me.'

'Well one more teenage boy under our roof surely can't cause any more chaos than there's already been. Honestly those two have been here only a few days and I swear to Godric I'm due to send them back.'

'I'm sure professor MaGonagall wouldn't thank you,' the werewolf smiled ruefully at her.

'That poor woman!' James' mother shook her head sympathetically, 'Anyway the gruesome twosome are outside in the garden. If you see them looking suspicious around my rose bushes just tell them the threat still stands. They'll know what you mean.'

He nodded in confusion as he left through the kitchen door and stepped into the back garden of the cottage. Walking out into the late April sunshine it took a moments for him to locate his friends but eventually he found them sitting at the bottom of the garden and they weren't alone. With them sat two girls and as Remus walked closer he could see that they were very, very pretty girls. 

''Lo Moony!' It was James who was the first to spot him with a sweep of his hand through the air in greeting.

'Prongs,' he grinned in reply as he came to a stop in front of the seated group. When he deemed there to be sufficiently enough time to be 'playing it cool' he turned to his other friend, 'Pads.'

'Wotcher Moony,' the dark haired boy squinted in the sunlight up at him and something in the newcomer's stomach wobbled at the sight of him. 

'Girls this is Remus! The one we've been telling you about!' James introduced him from his position of being half sprawled out on the grass. Remus felt a sudden jolt of panic. What exactly had they been telling the girls about him? 'This is Anna and Jessica.'

Both the girls smiled up at him warmly in greeting and the wobbly feeling inside him continued. It always happened when he encountered girls he thought were pretty and now it appeared Sirius was to be added to that list (and a few of the lads from the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team he'd discovered over the last few months). 

'That's a weird name!' The blonde of the two girls who sat between Sirius and James commented with a teasing grin, 'You boarding school kids all seem to have them! I guess it comes with territory of being posh?'

'Oh well Remus is very snobby,' Sirius joked slyly and shot him one of those lopsided grins that done funny things to Remus' stomach again. 

'Am I shite,' the werewolf declared crassly to prove a point and threw himself down onto the grass to join the group, 'I'm not the one with a family motto. One that's in French to boot!'

The girls sniggered and the one he presumed to be Annabel (judging by the rather detailed description James had given them year after year) turned to the boy in question, 'Is that so?'

Sirius took that as open invitation to flirt, 'Toujours Pur,' he said as smoothly as possible, 'Means 'Always Pure' ladies,' and there was that infuriating/sexy wiggling of his eyebrows that always accompanied the flirting.

'Are your family Born Again Christians or something?' The other girl, who sat to the right of Remus, asked dryly. Remus turned to offer her an appreciative smile. Anyone who chose to take the micky out of Sirius' flirting rather than swooning at it was alright by him. 

'Born again what?' The dark haired boy asked puzzled.

'Nah think more of a cult and you're a lot closer to what his family is like,' The werewolf explained to the teasing girl with a grin. Remus liked it when she smiled back.

'So are your family into myths and stuff; with a name like Remus...' Jessica asked indicating she was no longer interested in talking about Sirius, which was rarity. Girls always wanted to talk about Sirius when he was around; or not for that matter.

'My mum's a lecturer in Classical Mythology. Her name's Silvia by complete chance so she named me after Rhea Silvia's children,' he explained and hoped he hadn't completely lost the girl.

'Isn't he the one that dies?' Clearly not then.

'She wasn't too keen to name me after one that kidnapped thousands of women...'

'To help populate Rome, right?' Jessica quizzed him again with that warm smile of hers. The werewolf couldn't help but smile back and hold her gaze. He had a feeling he was going to like this girl.

'Yawn!' Came the obnoxious cry from Sirius and the moment was ruined, 'Is Remus trying to dazzle you by pretending to be clever?'

The boy in question blushed at that. Had it been that obvious that he'd taken a shine to the girl.

'Oh I don't think he's pretending anything,' Jessica defended him but done so in a friendly, relaxed manner.

'Just watch! He'll be explaining poetry and Shakespeare in a minute. Then if you're really lucky tell you every funny bit from a Dickens book he can remember. There's a lot apparently. You may die from boredom though.'

'Sounds interesting enough to me,' the brunette shrugged, 'A girl can't survive on a constant stream of motorbike facts alone!'

Remus was expecting his friend to go on a full steam counter attack but instead Sirius just looked at the girl as if he were sizing her up before a leering smirk came over his features, 'I could tell you some more of you like or is there something else you'd rather we get up to?'

'No thanks,' Jessica dismissed holding her own against Sirius' charms, 'Your friend here is keeping me entertained enough.'

The grey eyed boy's attention moved to Remus, 'Well lucky you!' He smiled and then gave him a wink, 'Entertain away!'

He really didn't know what to make of that. Sirius seemed almost pleased that he'd found a girl to 'entertain'. In his past experience Sirius had been clearly jealous toward anyone who showed any interest in him or vice versa. This all seemed far too pleasant. Perhaps he really had learned a lesson from their falling out? Or perhaps, now that he watching him fawn all over Anna just as James was, he had bigger fish to fry tonight? Remus decided to let the matter go. If it meant he was going to have the chance to speak to a girl without interference then so be it.

-

'So does mean George is your favourite?' Jessica asked as she fastened the daisy chain around his wrist. They'd been talking for about an hour now and had drifted on to the topic of music. Sirius, James and Anna had all ventured into the Potters kitchen by now for some lemonade but he and Jessica had stayed put; enjoying one another's company immensely, 'He wrote 'Something' didn't he?'

'Yeah,' Remus nodded, 'I suppose he is.'

'He's the shy and clever one,' she summarised, 'I reckon probably just like you.'

'I'm not that shy,' he chuckled, 'just compared to my barmy friends. It's not difficult to be considered the shy one when you're the only one not willing to streak through the school hall naked. I just don't get noticed as much because of that.'

'I reckon I'd notice you if I went to your school,' Jessica confessed as she carefully blinded the stalk of the last daisy round the head of the first one, 'I like the shy clever ones too, you see.'

Their eyes met then as Jessica's hand still lingered over his wrist. She really was pretty. She had clear green eyes and long waved hair that was a shade of brown that almost matched the colour of his favourite corduroy trousers. She had a smattering of freckles across her nose where the unusually strong spring sunshine had marked her. She was tall too; not as tall as he was but tall for a girl and had legs, that were revealed in a pair of cut-off jeans, that appeared to go on forever. 

She was smart too; her verbal sparring with Sirius alone demonstrated that. But she loved literature and music. They'd chatted about their mutual love for Kerouac, Joseph Heller (who Remus was reading at that moment) and Joni Mitchell (who the other Marauders refused to sit and listen to in the grounds that 'they didn't have vaginas' although he knew Sirius secretly liked her. He'd heard him humming a few of her songs under his breath to know he'd listened to her on the sly). 

In short, she was perfect and what's more she didn't know about the rumours and doubts about Remus' sexuality that every other girl Remus knew had. She was perfect and she was siting inches away from him on the Potter's lawn looking into his eyes. If he were to just lean forward a little he could probably kiss her. He did want to after all.

Something in the distance must have caught her eye though because just as that thought crossed his mind she broke eye contact and looked towards the Potter's home. Remus followed her gaze and found that she was looking at Sirius. He was leaning against the frame of the back door and seemed to be watching them with a glass of lemonade in hand.

'Your friend thinks a lot about himself, doesn't he?' Jessica commented.

'He's not that bad,' Remus replied as he continued to watch the boy in question watch them, 'He's confident and he's fun but he's...'

He wanted to say 'more complicated than that' but that was like describing Dumbledore as 'a little bit unusual'; it just didn't do him justice. Sirius was a giant mix of many things; cocky and insecure; brave and scared; trustworthy and unpredictable; fierce and gentle; generous and cold hearted at times. Trying to describe him to a stranger was almost impossible. If anything they would do better just to observe him and draw their own conclusions about him. He was so many people in one teenage boy and it really depended on who you were to which one you'd meet. Remus had met many versions over the years but the one that he was most familiar with, despite their little spats of recent months, was loyal Sirius. The guy who didn't shun him because of his condition. The guy who vowed to protect him and even became an Animagus for him. The guy who looked after him after the full moons; indulged him when Remus got excited about something 'geeky'; who'd hex the bollocks off anyone that was hassling him even if he didn't need the help; would coerce other students who were using books Remus required to get school work finished in time for his monthly absences to return them before they were finished themselves; who always made sure the marmalade was at their side of table at breakfast for him; would help him banish his nerves for his first kiss; took the blame for Remus' part in a prank more often than necessary; who came to him (although less frequently now) in the middle of the night and worshiped his body and let Remus share his....

His heart was pounding wildly as all these things whirled through his mind. Sirius was... He couldn't bring himself to think it. He was... He is... Brilliant. Gorgeous. Exciting. Enticing. 

'A good mate.' He settled on a wild under exaggeration and felt a little guilty for it. Mates? Good mates? They were more than that surely? Even if Sirius refused to acknowledge it.

At that moment the boy of his attention pushed himself off the door frame and made his way through the sun lit yard back over towards them at the bottom of the garden.

'Not disturbing anything am I?' He asked but dumped himself down onto the grass before waiting for a reply. 

'No!' Remus felt flustered now and he couldn't explain why. Well he could but he didn't want to. He felt as if he was playing with fire here. On one side of him sat a girl he was very much interested in getting to know and on the other sat the boy that he knew far better than anyone could possibly guess.

'You alright Moony?' 

'What? Yeah!' Why was his voice so high? Why were both Sirius and Jessica looking at him in concern? He needed a moment to himself to think! 'I'm just going to get a glass of water. It's hotter out here than I realised,' he blustered as he jumped to his feet. 

'Are you sure you're okay?' Jessica called after him.

'Yeah of course!' He called back without looking back.

He was being irrational wasn't he? He and Sirius were just mates really despite everything and the other boy seemed perfectly alright with whatever set up they had considering it was really his idea. Remus was perfectly entitled to be interested in Jessica. It wasn't as if he were cheating on anyone and it wasn't as if he was after the romance of the century from her either. 

Once he reached the kitchen door he looked over his shoulder to the pair he'd left behind. They looked to be chatting casually. There was no need to feel weird about any of this; no hearts were going to get trodden on. Everything was going to be alright.

-

The next night they arrived at the hall a little after nine o'clock with Sirius insisting that it wasn't the done thing to show up at the start of the party. Apparently you had to arrive a little later to create the impression that you had other pressing activities; not to give the impression you actually had been waiting to attend all day and that it had taken both James and Sirius hours to get ready.

'The girls are apparently sneaking some vodka in,' James informed them as they scanned the hall from the entrance. As halls went it was pretty plain. It had nothing of the grand architecture of the Great Hall back at Hogwarts more of the appearance of some sort of Scandinavia Scout hall; pale wood everywhere. It wasn't exactly the throng of teenage interaction either. At one side of the hall stood groups of guys and on the other clusters of girls. A few had dared to mingle in the middle but by in large the two sides of the hall were glancing warily, and some hopefully, toward one another. 

Remus was thoroughly unimpressed. He'd been promised so much more from tonight and he could tell straight away even his low expectations weren't going to be met. He turned to his friends to see if they were reacting in the same way but they didn't seem to mind the dour reality of a scout hall dance. 

'There they are,' James nodded in the direction of the girl's half of the hall and when Remus looked again sure enough there was Anna and Jessica and it seemed a boy had dared to infiltrate their side. 

Jessica looked pretty in her flared denim skirt and what Remus could only try to describe as a kind of rosey-pink blouse. Her hair was in its usual wavey brown style and he noticed she'd put a little make up on too. Overall, Remus liked what he saw! Clearly James and Sirius liked what they saw in Anna. She was wearing a pair of flared jeans that were extremely tight around the bum area and a kind of glittery black tight top. The two boys were naturally fawning all over the blonde.

'You look nice,' he decided to compliment the girl he was interested in.

'Thank you,' she smiled clearly pleased with the compliment and no hint of the shy blush that had been there yesterday when they had spoken. 'Oh! Let me introduce you to my cousin! Remus this is Richard!'

He turned to the stranger and offered him a friendly, albeit shy, smile he often gave to strangers and was met by a hand being extravagantly thrust towards him. Reluctantly he shook the hand and noted the appraising smirk on the boy's face.

'Nice to meet you Remus,' the skinny young man told him somewhat camply.

'And you Richard,' he said for a lack of anything else to say.

'Oh please!' Richard scoffed, 'Call me Dicky! All my friends do!'

The werewolf could only nod in reply. He'd never met a boy quite as camp as this before. Even Arthur Weasley's cousin was decidedly a lot less... effeminate and that was saying something! He was rake thin and tall and held himself with a hand on his hip. His top resembled more a blouse than a shirt with some kind of mad floral or paisley pattern and his bell bottomed jeans looked almost identical that of Anna's now that Remus properly looked at them.

'Dicky's my favourite cousin!' Jessica gushed and appeared to be very pleased with herself, 'I just know you two are going to get on great!'

-

'Come on Remus, I know you're under there. I can see a big Moony shaped lump under the duvet,' Sirius joked in the hope of coaxing his friend from his hiding place. When no reaction was forthcoming he gave a little huff of irritation and ploughed on, 'And I know you're not asleep either!'

'How can you possibly know that?' a muffled response hummed through the density of the covers, 'You can't bloody see me!'

'Cause I just know, alright?' Sirius explained as he sat himself on the edge of the bed, 'And you're never this bloody coherent when you talk in your sleep.'

He watched as the mound of bedcovers moved.

'Sod off Padfoot!' Remus replied irritably.

'Is this because of that Jessica girl?' the raven haired boy sighed in exasperation, 'She wasn't all that special Moony.'

The duvet covers instantly flipped over, revealing an angry looking Remus, 'Well you never really gave me the chance to find out, did you?'

'I really don't see what I did wrong! It's not as if I told her something that isn't actually true!'

'But there was no need to tell her!'

'But you do like boys...'

'Yes and I very much like girls too you wanker! And I liked Jessica! But you had to go and ruin that didn't you?'

'Its not my fault she's a bigot!'

'She wasn't a bigot Sirius! She thought I was gay! She thought I wasn't interested in her! For fucksake! She tried to set me up with her cousin Richard! Do you ever think before you speak? Do you always have to butt your nose in where it's not needed?'

'Don't be like that Moony!' Sirius implored as he watched his friend bury himself back under duvet in a huff, 'Stop acting like such a girl!'

'I'm not a fucking girl!'

'Moony...' Sirius prodded the lump under the duvet, 'Moony...come on... Speak to me... Don't force me to come under there because I will... Don't think I won't...'

He gave the other boy a count to ten before acting on the threat. He grabbed a corner of the cover and army crawled into the dark, hostile world of Moony's fortress of sulkiness, keeping mind that he'd probably be kicked or shoved out at any moment.

'Moons...' he whispered once he'd positioned himself behind the other boy, 'Come on mate. I didn't think!'

'You never do!'

'I'm sorry....'

'I don't think you are. I think you done it on purpose.'

'Why would I do that, eh?'

'You tell me?' the other boy commanded as he turned around to face Sirius; his face serious and stoney.

'You know me, always sticking my foot in it!'

'Mmm...'

'And it's not as if it isn't true,' Sirius tried to reason gently as he slid a hand on to Remus' hip, 'You do like boys, don't you?'

Oh Jesus! There they were! Those damn puppy dog eyes! The ones that had far too many people forgive the bloody great mutt that was Sirius Black when he didn't actually deserve their bloomin' forgiveness in the first place! Well he wasn't going to fall for it! No way! And bringing himself closer to the werewolf was definitely not going to make it happen either... or that bloody pouting lip! 

'Well so far I've liked one,' Remus felt his resolve softening as the heat of his friend's palm burned on top of his jeans, 'So not quite plural yet.'

Damn it! Then again the atmosphere under the duvet was far too cosy for them to be arguing under it. 

'So it was a no for this Richard too?' The teasing shone through his eyes and he could barely suppress his smirk. He clearly thought the whole blind date aspect of the night was completely hilarious much to Remus' chargrin. 

'Definitely not,' he deadpanned, 'He was too... full on. Not really my type,' he sniffed as he looked away to hide his shyness about the subject.

'Yet you fancy me?' Sirius picked up on the irony straight away with mock astonishment.

'Well you're more of a bloke than that bloke. Your personality matches your boy bits.'

'Such a dirty mouth you've got on you Moony!' The grey eyes twinkled in amusement, 'Boy bits, honestly!'

'So what about you, eh? Is there a certain type of boy you like?' the werewolf questioned softly and Sirius flinched out of his reverie. 

'No,' he denied, trying to do so with good nature yet the confusion that briefly flashed in her eyes told another story, 'I don't generally like boys remember?'

'I think the hand you have on my hip may beg to differ,' Remus retorted in that way that was both gentle yet assertive.

'Maybe that hand like boys?' Sirius tried at being charming and could see he'd at least managed amusing judging by the way his friend's lips curled into a small smile.

'You have a homosexual hand? Isn't that the one you wank with?'

'Whatever, it's seen it's fair share of girls bits and fairly enjoyed them too and I like to switch between them both you filthy bugger! It... Varies things!'

'Is that what this is all about then? You're just curious? '

'Jesus Moony, I don't know!' Sirius groaned, 'Why do you always have to over think things? Why can't it just be two friend's messing around?'

They were creeping into a familiar argument but Remus couldn't quite let it slide; he wanted to make a point. 

'So you do this with your other male friends? With James and Pete and Frank? Cause if you are then that puts you way ahead of me on the whole bloke scale and I'm the one that can admit to actually being attracted to them.'

'No of course I don't mess around with that lot!' Sirius huffed in response before softening. He took a deep breath and looked his friend in the eye, 'Look, it's just that... When we do things together it definitely feels good, doesn't it?'

Remus chafed his head against the pillow with a nod.

'And getting off is getting off, isn't it?'

Remus didn't nod that time but instead dipped his head solemnly. At least he knew where he stood; apparently.

'I mean...' Sirius faltered before deciding to change tact, 'it's not just the getting off I suppose... There's also... You know... A kind of buzz that happens when we do...'

His friend's eyes swivelled open at his words.

'It didnt happen with the others i've... Well not like when we... It's like something crackling, like something magical,' Sirius pondered aloud before cringing, 'shit, I don't mean that in a soppy way or anything.'

'No, I know what you mean,' Remus reassured him, 'Like there's a... an energy or something actually in the air. I tried looking it up but...'

'You looked it up? You researched about... sex magic?!' Sirius choked out in amusement.

'Sex magic?' Remus laughed with him, 'Padfoot will you listen to yourself?'

'Well I can't help it if my sex is magic,' Sirius almost crooned as he scooted closer to the other boy, who was giggling.

'Wow, that was possibly the sleaziest thing anyone's ever said to me,' Remus playfully admonished him as he placed a hand on his friend's shoulder and grinned directly into his face. Sirius mirrored his action briefly before allowing his hand to slide along the other boy's shoulder until it rested at the nape of his neck. Somewhere at the back of Sirius' mind he hoped that nobody else was getting the chance to be this sleazy to Remus, but he dismissed it on recognising what those kind of thoughts actually meant. Instead he tipped his head forward slightly so that his forehead touched against his friend's.

'There's something compulsive about you; about us,' Sirius admitted, his tone becoming more serious, 'When we do stuff together, it's like I'm almost drunk.'

Even now, as they lay facing one another, Sirius could feel the air around them become increasingly thicker with that un-named sensation. It was as if lust, anticipation, ecstasy and magic had all been stirred in a cauldron and had been left to evaporate into the air and it was intoxicating.

'I promise I haven't been lacing your pumpkin juice with Firewhiskey,' A rueful smile crept over Remus' face.

'You don't need to,' Sirius smiled back as he lent in, giving into the the potent atmosphere, and kissed his friend under the duvet.


	13. Excerpts From A Blissful Life (mini chapter - deleted scenes)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, don't get too excited! This is an incredibly small non-chapter. Essentially these two scenes were written but have no where to go but I didn't just want to scrap them. So here they are! Just a little something until I get the next chapter ready which is about 75% done. They're very rough too.

Excerpts from a blissful life

'Would you rather be... Attacked by fifty duck sized horses or... one horse sized duck?'

'What?' The ebony haired boy chocked out a laugh as he turned to look at the boy that was lying next to him on his bed.

'Lots of tiny horses or one fuck off huge duck. It's your choice!' The werewolf elaborated for him as if they were the most straight forward scenario's to ever find yourself in.

'Are we allowed our wands?' He asked hopefully.

'Absolutely not. This is about surviving in the real world on our wits alone.'

'Sure it is,' Sirius responded skeptically before giving the absurd choices some real consideration, 'Well I suppose a giant duck might be scary as hell but there's plenty of those horses for them to swarm around and overwhelm you.'

'So you're going for duck?'

'I'm going for duck!'

'Such a bad choice!'

'Oh yeah?'

'Definitely. Don't you remember that time Peter was chased by a duck in that park near James' house? Remember the damage a normal sized beak had done to him? Now imagine it had been a lot bigger! No thank you! At least with the tiny horses you could probably outrun them or like... stand on a wall. No contest!'

'You've given this way too much thought,' Sirius shook his head in amusement. 

'And you've given it way too little,' Remus replied mock gravely.

-

'Quite comfortable?' Remus asked as he looked down onto the boy who had his head rested on his chest and was nestling his body half on top of him. They were back in the dorm now; their kissing practice moving from the rooftop to Sirius' bed and heating up so much that now they both lay naked with sheets twisted and tangled between their bodies. 

'Hm... very,' came Sirius' content sigh, 'You make an excellent pillow, did you know that?'

'No I didn't actually,' the werewolf's gentle chuckles caused the other boy to move erratically with him for a moment and he snuggled in more to the moving body.

'Well you're the best pillow I think I've ever had. I seriously believe this is your true calling in life.'

'My future career perhaps?'

'Absolutely,' the dark haired boy rubbed his cheek against his best friend's torso, 'And when you meet people and they say "And what do you do Mr Lupin?" You can reply with much pride "I am Britain's finest pillow!"' 

'Won't they look at me as if I'm mad?'

'Perhaps at first but then you can show them. You can lie down wherever you are and let them try for themselves.'

'Oh yes, well that is less barmy.'

'It's one of the sacrifices of the job mate. You will look crazy but you will be offering so much comfort to people. People will constantly be trying to get snug into you.'

Remus frowned at the thought, 'Then perhaps we'll keep my pillow-ness a secret and I can be a one man pillow.'

Sirius tilted his head up so he could look his friend in the face, 'But I'll be doing the nation a great disservice keeping you all to myself!'

'Then maybe I should treasure what little time of obscurity I have then,' and Remus cuddled the boy in his arms a little more tightly and closed his eyes in the hope that sleep would take him.


	14. Of Gossip, Being a Man and Dodgy Wand Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Right hopefully you can all see this! Thanks for the patience. I've been super busy and to be honest things are about to be even busier in my life! (Gah!) I hope you enjoy the next part. It's a long one! As always thank you for the lovely comments and support. As always my chapter titles are crap!!! Let me know what you think! :)

Early May sunshine filtered through the windows making the usually dim library brighter than Remus had ever seen. Sitting directly in front of a large bay window he could feel the sun's rays heat up the right side of his body and knew the same must have been happening to Lily's left side. She was sat opposite him at their study table and was currently flipping through an enormous Runes text. 

The room was quiet; unusually so considering NEWTs weren't too far around the corner but the good weather had obviously even tempted Hogwarts most studious students to venture outside. Even Madam Pince appeared to be nowhere to be seen on this glorious Saturday afternoon and Remus wondered vaguely if even the Librarian had forsaken her books for a spot of sunbathing.

They could have done the same of course, he and Lily, but a nearly empty Library was far too tempting. Not only would there be little distraction but there would be less competition for books they needed for studying. Plus there was the added bonus that both James and Sirius were at Quidditch practice and were less likely to come pester the pair; many a study session had been interrupted with James using Remus' study dates with the redhead to come and pester the girl and where the Potter boy went the other two Marauders were sure to follow. Yes today was the perfect day to take advantage of the library and it wasn't as if they couldn't enjoy the sunshine in a few hours (as long as the unpredictable Scottish climate didn't change). 

'Earth to Remus! Come in Remus!' The werewolf flinched out of his reverie. He'd been watching the specks of dust dancing in the stream of light coming from the windows; so much for no distractions.

'Sorry! What were you saying?' He looked at Lily with slightly alarmed eyes.

'I was just asking what you thought of Gerard Walthamstow? He asked me on a date and I'm not so sure.'

The werewolf considered the boy in question. He was a seventh year Gryffindor so didn't have long to go until he graduated. He was the Keeper for the Quidditch team and seemed to be obsessed with the sport; word had it that he was trying for the Harpies reserve team the second his exams were over. He was quite a popular boy. Remus certainly liked him. He'd always been kind to him even after the whole coming out fiasco. He'd even defended him a few times which was good of him.

'He's a good bloke I suppose. Good for a laugh and has always had my back,' he summarised his thoughts, 'Maybe a little on the loud side at times... He congratulated our... I mean Sirius and James' pranks a fair few times too so not exactly the epitome of maturity.'

'Do you think he's good looking?' The redhead asked as she twirled a strand of hair around her finger.

And again the auburn haired boy considered the question. Walthamstow was pretty good looking now that he thought about it. He was tall, probably one of the tallest boys in the school, and had dark hair. He'd been blessed with clear skin as far as Remus could remember and he had the kind of athletic body everyone on the Quidditch team had. He was very similar to James now that he came to think about it... Very similar in fact...

Oh. 

Ha! 

'You do realise you're actually considering going out with a carbon copy of James Potter don't you?' He felt the need to point out. Lily's blatant denial of any interest in his friend was something the werewolf could see straight through.

The redhead shot him a look of indignation, 'He is not!'

'He is too!' Remus shot back in glee, 'He's even got the same mental hair at times. Just you have a good look at him tomorrow at breakfast! It'll be sticking up in all directions till noon!'

He grinned as Lily scowled down into her book for a moment.

'I don't know why I even bothered asking the 'Potter Propaganda Machine' an opinion on this! What was I thinking?'

'That I have good taste?’ He quipped back smugly, ‘And I'm not the Potter Propaganda Machine, thank you very much! He's just not as bad as you think he is! There is a reason why I'm friends with him you know!'

'Yes, yes!’ The redhead was exasperated having heard it all before, ‘He's loyal and a good bloke... blah, blah, blah...' Lily then fixed him with a considering look, 'You know, I don't even know if you do have good taste? I don't even know what your taste is!'

Remus didn't really know what to say to that so just looked at the girl baffled.

'Do you even fancy anyone right now?’ She propped her elbow on the table and cradled her chin, ‘I thought we'd be gossiping about boys when the whole grand Remus Lupin outing happened but you've kept your mouth firmly shut on the subject.'

'I just don't fancy anyone that's all,' he merely shrugged as he lied through his teeth.

'Liar!' The girl protested, 'you must fancy someone to know you're into boys as well as girls. You didn't just wake up and think 'I think I'll just increase my options by fancying both!' So someone must have caught your eye!'

Damn Lily Evans for being clever. He'd always admired how perceptive the girl was in the past but now...

'Oh don't tell me I think I know!' The girl feigned a scandalous look, 'it's Potter isn't it? You're always telling me how wonderful he is!'

'Oh Christ no!' Remus choked out a laugh, 'No, no, no!'

'He's a great guy Lily! He's not half bad!' She continued to mock with fluttering eyes and a dreamy expression.

'You're so way off the mark! He's like a brother to me!' He ignored the fact that at some point he'd thought the exact same about Sirius because Lily wasn't going to know about that. 

'So who then?'

'It's no one!' He panicked.

'Ah so there is someone!' She grinned triumphantly and he inwardly cursed his careless use of words, 'Who is it? Does he go to this school? Does he fancy you back? Has anything happened? How did you realise you liked him? Is he good looking? I bet he's clever!’

He could only blink at the barrage of questions.

'Come on Remus! You know I won't tell anyone! And it's not as if you can speak to your lot about this. I doubt they're eager to have boy talk with you!'

Well that wasn't strictly true... One of them was heavily invested in Remus’ interest in boys. Saying that, he and Sirius didn't actually have 'boy talk' at all either. Any interest in the topic was merely practical on Sirius' part and James and Peter, as supportive as they were, weren't ideal candidates for that kind of chat either. He never really got to have boy talk with anyone and hadn't realised that he actually wanted to until now and Lily seemed like the ideal candidate…

'Alright,' he relented and could feel embarrassment creep over him before he’d even uttered a word on the subject, 'Okay. Well there might be someone...'

Lily let out a small squeal of delight and Remus marveled at how 'girly' she had become. He'd never suspected her capable of the behavior he often saw the girls display on the Quidditch stands as they gossiped. It was mildly alarming.

'Who?' She demanded eagerly.

'I'm definitely not telling you that!' He scoffed. He wasn't a complete moron.

'Alright,' she nodded and sobered a little. He could see the cogs in her mind go to work, 'So it's clearly someone at school then; someone I know because you'd have told me otherwise.'

He was beginning to think that this was a bad idea. It was, wasn’t it? 

'Does he know you fancy him?'

Yet he couldn't stop sharing. Obviously some sort of floodgate had been opened.

'He'd need to be pretty dense not to know by now.'

'Oh my God! Are you with him? Is he your boyfriend?'

Oh Christ.

'Er no we're not boyfriends... We...' Should he really be talking about this? Sirius would kill him if he'd known but actually being able to acknowledge it out loud was so, so tempting and Lily was definitely trustworthy. He studied the eager expression on her face. He could confide in her without mentioning names couldn't he? She wasn't going to be too pushy to know the identity of Sirius? 

'We just mess around really,' he continued deciding to test the waters a bit. He could always stop talking if it became too invasive.

Lily's eyes were wide with what he could read as shock and wonder, 'As in...?'

'As in,' he confirmed with a nod of the head.

Lily's form of immediate reply was to drag her chair around the table so she was sat right next to him; all the better for conspiring and gossiping Remus supposed.

'What was it like?' She asked in hushed wonder; hear green eyes wide and eager, 'Was it different than being with Lana?'

Remus gave her a surprised look at the mention of that particular piece of private information and she looked suitably abashed in return, 'That's not exactly a secret Remus. All her friends were harping on about how you were a toe rag for dumping her straight after sleeping with her.'

'Not my finest moment,' he ducked his head shame faced.

'So...?' The redhead prompted him by shaking his arm.

'Well yeah, obviously,' he conceded, 'There's more boy bits involved obviously.'

'Isn't that weird at first?' 

Had it been weird at first? He tried to think back on that first night which was difficult considering he'd been drunk. He supposed the physical side hadn't been too strange because they just kind of got on with it. It was all the thinking about it the next day that was difficult; piecing it all together and coming to terms with the fact that it was something that came so naturally to him.

'Not for me,' he admitted with a casual shrug, 'I kind of knew what to do cause well, you know, I know what I like. It just felt natural too. I wasn't as nervous as I was being with a girl. You have to be gentle with girls, not that I'm anything more than an amateur of course.' 

'Which do you like best?' Lily was listening with rapt attention and was looking at him as if she were devouring the information. 

Sirius. 

He wanted to blurt it out but stopped himself short; for privacy reasons as well as being fair to Lana. Sleeping with Lana was by no means not enjoyable. He'd really, really enjoyed being with her once the initial terror had worn off and that was one of the reasons why he knew he wasn't strictly gay. Being with Sirius was entirely a different matter. Sirius was strong and forceful and did things to his body that made Remus' toes curl. Just last night he'd shagged Remus senseless against the bedpost of his own bed.

All four boys had spent their Friday evening down at the Quidditch pitch what with Sirius and James needing to attend extra practice due to their upcoming game with Hufflepuff. With nothing else better to do Remus and Peter had decided to go watch them; it was a beautiful night after all and watching Sirius on a broom was far more pleasing than Remus would ever admit to the boy himself. Training had finished not long after nine and a sweaty James and Sirius finally joined the others on the stands.

'There's talks of going down the greenhouses to let off some steam,' James had panted as he climbed the stands to meet them, 'Beale's getting some Butterbeer and Tadia has managed to persuade some of her friends to come down too. All work and no play and what not.'

At the mention of Tadia Peter jumped at the offer immediately, 'Count me in!' He cried enthusiastically.

'Steady on mate!' Sirius had chuckled and Remus had watched him as he ran a hand through his sweat slick hair wishing he could reach out and do it himself. Sirius in his Quidditch practice uniform was nothing less than fantastic. Unlike their actual game robes the practice ones merely consisted of a top that resembled that of a rugby top, which of course were striped in gold and red, and instead of the jodhpurs white long baggy shorts were worn in their place. Sirius' legs were a thing of beauty in them and were a known tourist attraction for the girls of the school. Standing only feet away from him dressed like that with a potentially vacant dorm room, there was no way Remus was going to the greenhouses that night and judging by the loaded look he had shot back at him, neither was Sirius.

They'd made their excuses and left the other boys to it. Even now he wanted to laugh at their journey across the grounds towards the castle. With the sun still shining strong for that time of night and the scent of a not too distant summer in the air they'd sped walked with a half arsed attempt to appear nonchalant to their fellow pupils who lunging around on the lush green lawns of the grounds. 

Sirius had looked around himself furtively before declaring, 'You were some distraction tonight Moony. I was practically dry humping my broom at one point, knowing you were watching me...'

Remus had tried to suppress his smirk but failed horribly, 'Just as well wood on wood isn't a new thing for you.’ He chanced a glance at his friend to see he was fighting his own smutty smile.

'I can't wait to get those clothes off you,' the dark haired boy had told him in a quiet rush as they'd continued towards the castle, 'I'm going to fuck you senseless.'

'Only if you keep that shirt on,' Remus was a little breathless now; both due to the pace of their walking and the thought of what they were practically racing towards.

Sirius stopped dead in his tracks and stared at him in dark eyed astonishment, 'You filthy, filthy bugger!' He took another moment before speaking again. 'Fuck this! Let's get a move on!' He'd grabbed Remus by the wrist then and the pair legged it. They laughed as they ran through the castle, looking more innocent than they probably should have. To anyone else they were just two of the Marauders no doubt running away from some trouble they had caused; they had no idea what fiendish things the pair had planned with one another and Remus just wanted to laugh and laugh. Nobody had a clue! Not one of those people he and Sirius were rushing past knew that he was about to bed the most desirable boy in school. They were all clueless and Remus knew more than half would be insanely jealous if they actually knew.

They'd eventually made it to their dorm after a mad dash throughout he common room. Remus couldn't have even told you what Gryffindors they'd passed as they'd rushed through. With a slam of the door and a few choice spells cast towards it he had found himself being stripped of his worn t-shirt in record speed time. They were still laughing as Sirius grabbed the back of his neck to kiss him.

'When do you think Pete and Prongs will be back?' Remus had chuckled as Sirius' lips had moved to his neck and his fingers were undoing his cord trousers.

'Wormy won't leave until Tadia does,' Sirius had panted into his neck. 'If there's plenty of girls then Prongs'll stay entertained too.' He whipped the trousers down then. 

Remus was still grinning at that point. They'd never done this before. They'd never even attempted to have sex outside the four posters of either one of their beds. It was even still sunny outside what with the Scottish sunset not due for another hour of so. It all just added to the fun really. 

'Do you really like the idea of me fucking you in my Quidditch top?' Sirius pulled back a little at that moment to look straight into Remus' eyes. In reply Remus grabbed the boy's hand and placed it over his boxer covered groin and nodded that YES he really did. They both shared a snort of laughter then and Sirius whipped down his own shorts and boxers. His calves were spattered with mud a little (which was always odd considering the game was airborne) and his hair was still slightly sweaty. As was the rest of his body actually, and he smelled glorious. 

Their tongues began plunging into one another's mouths then; the kisses tinged with smiling. 

'Is it... the entire... Quidditch... team... you like... uh... the idea... of?' The half clothed boy had panted between kisses as Remus tried to follow his mouth with his own. 'Or just... me?'

Remus had laughed into his mouth then. 'Just you,' he sighed into his mouth, 'Only ever... you.'

Sirius had obviously liked what he'd heard because at that point he pushed him up against one of the posts of his bed and begun nibbling at his neck again. Remus took that as a chance to breathe in the scent of his hair again and felt dizzy.

'My dirty, dirty Moony,' the Animagus had purred against the skin of his neck before dragging his teeth lightly over the skin there and Remus giggled at the satisfying pain of if. 'Were you thinking of it when you were watching me fly at practice?' He pulled back so they were face-to-face once again.

'I always think about it,' he'd confessed to the boy as he looked into his lust filled eyes. Sirius had began biting his own lips then; a quirk Remus had noticed when Sirius appeared particularly turned on. 

'What is it you imagine me doing?' His voice was hoarse and his playful mood was darkened with lust. 

Remus lunged forward a little to steal a quick kiss from his lips, 'Well shagging me senseless obviously'. He slid his hands over the other boy's back and let them rest on his bare buttocks so both their erections were pressed tantalisingly more firmly together, 'But I like the idea of the star beater sucking me off too.'

'I thought you were going to make a beating off pun there. Poor show Moony.'

'The heart wants what the heart wants,' he'd shrugged as casually as he could, which had been difficult all things considering.

'Well I think I can manage that,' and he slid down his body.

And God he was good at it. So, so good at it; especially for someone who didn't consider himself to be anything but straight.

'So...?' Lily pulled him from his thoughts.

‘Erm… both… both are good,’ he replied and felt a little flushed.

‘And you’re happy just messing around with this bloke? There isn't any feelings involved?’

Well of course there were feelings involved. He and Sirius were best mates for a start and obviously loved one another on that level. The lengths Sirius had gone to to help Remus with his condition was testament to that. But feeling feelings? Emotional ‘lets be grown up about this’ feelings. If Remus was truthful with himself he really wanted there to be. Having feelings for Sirius in that way wasn't exactly a big stretch for Remus; he’d always adored him but he wasn't sure if the other boy was capable of the same.

Sure his friend was very enthusiastic with the physical side but the emotional side… He just didn't know… It wasn't as if he were asking for some mushy, girly promise of commitment and constant show of affection but something a little more substantial with Sirius would be nice. Just a ‘I like shagging you, you like shagging me lets just make a promise that we’re just shagging each other’ but he knew Sirius would never go for that.

Saying that it seemed as if Sirius hadn't even glanced at a girl in the weeks since Easter and not that Remus was reading into too much but he had seemed more and more comfortable with the other intimate stuff like lying in bed together, stolen kisses at stolen moments and talking about things that he knew he didn't really tell anyone else, even James. 

Just the other day he’d opened up about his childhood when Remus had least expected it.

Sirius had sighed impatiently as he’d watched his friend transfigure the raven perched on his finger into a tin goblet yet again.

'Moons, you know you can do that one. You've turned that friggin' bird into a goblet a million times already!' 

'I just like to keep sharp and well practiced,' Remus had reasoned as he’d turned the chalice back into it's original living state.

'But nobody practices this late at night! Midnight was not made for homework! It was made for chats, sleeping, feasts and, well, you know... All the best things in life.'

'Well nobody's forcing you to stay up, are they?'

'But I can't sleep and I want company... Non-homework company!'

'Well you'll just need to wait till I'm finished won't you. Not all of us arrived first day able to do NEWT standard transfiguration, did they?'

'Now, now Moony you know i can't help it if I'm a natural genius! Just like I can't help being so bloody perfect!' He’d boasted playfully; resorting to the usual cockiness he reserved for whenever people pointed out how easily most magic came to him. Remus had never expected him to explain the real reason why this was nor the horrific nature of it.

Everybody assumed Sirius' natural affinity for anything magic was because of his family, his genetic make up, and whilst that was mostly true there was a slightly more sinister reason for it. Funnily enough his family still had a lot to do with it. 

'Of course you can't,' Remus had replied cynically as he concentrated on smoothing down the raven’s feathers with a gentle touch, 'Woe is you.'

For a while Sirius considered his friend with a pensive look. 

'You know there is a real reason why I'm so damned perfect,' he’d begun gently; broaching a subject he'd never brought up truthfully with anyone before.

'Is it because you're a pure blood thorough breed stallion?' The werewolf had turned to him; recycling a claim Sirius himself had once made.

'No,' Sirius denied with a gentle smile before he schooled his face serious, 'it's because I had to learn when I was younger, when I was little.'

'When you were younger?’ Remus raised an eyebrow, ‘I thought pre-school tutors were only allowed to teach muggle subjects and some basic magic theory? You were taught transfig before you were eleven?' 

'I didn't learn it from a tutor,' the dark haired boy had explained, 'I taught myself. I had to.'

'What do you mean?' Remus’d asked, placing the raven down on the table in front of them to give his friend his full attention.

'You know how bad things were when I was younger,' Sirius had paused to watch Remus nod, 'Well there were a lot of times when Reg and I did deserve to be punished. When my mother went out and left the house elves in charge or the nanny or even our governess we could be right terrors; running around, fighting and generally going crazy. And sometimes we would get out of control and break stuff…’

Remus had had a feeling where this might have been going but hadn't dared to interrupt. One thing he knew about Sirius’ childhood was that when you thought something might have been cruel or extreme the reality was probably far worse than your assumptions could ever reach.

‘My mum would return home or walk into a room and catch us and then she’d… she’d go mental and I mean the patented ‘Black Family Mental’ mental. One time when I’d accidentally kicked a ball at one of the elf heads on the hall wall and she happened to walk round the corner to see it she grabbed me by the hair and locked me in the hallway closet for hours. I was only six, I think, and the bloody elf head was fine! There wasn't even a dent on it!’

‘Another time I slid and fell into some vase and broke it. I had been running away from Kreacher at the time and the floors in hallway are really skippy when you’re just in your socks. Anyway, of course Kreacher caught up with me and just had to tell my mother. As punishment she snapped every single toy I owned and refused to get me any more for my birthday. From then on I knew I had to be careful but it was just so bloody difficult in that house so I decided instead to get smart! I waited until I had the chance and snuck I got he loft where I knew my mother and father had kept some of their old school books; the ones with the basic charms they teach in first year – must have been a fair few editions out at the time let alone now – and taught myself how to fix things. It was that or spend half my week in a bloody cupboard or in my room or in the outbuilding; a particular favourite cell of hers in the winter. Of course I still got caught from time-to-time but it kept my nose cleaner. As time went on I just kept learning. I taught myself detection charms that’d warn me when the old bat was near and lumos on one of the old family wands that had been stashed in my dad’s office. I even had to perform a glamour charm on Reggie once after I gave him a black eye by mistake once.’

‘And he didn't rat you out?’ The werewolf had asked in astonishment knowing how much Sirius’ brother liked to get him in trouble. 

‘Not that day, no. He saved that for when I burst his nose open kind of not by mistake. I just taught him to shut him up. That snot nosed brat might act as if I'm the biggest disappointment to magic he’s ever seen but I’m the one who taught him his first basic magic at the age of seven!’ 

A whole range of emotions flit through Remus on hearing this. At first he had been a little in awe at his friends early ability to harness his magic into something productive but then that had given way to a great sadness. There was nothing boastful about these skills; nothing of the sort. Sirius was confessing to having learnt them out of necessity; an absolute necessity to survive. Sirius had grown up into privilege, luxury and wealth but it all meant nothing when he was expected to live without normal love and protection a family should offer their youngest. 

‘So now you know why I'm so god damn perfect…’ Sirius had then said with a wan smile, ‘Not many people outside my immediate family do.’

Remus was at a loss for words and hadn't known what to say to that. It wasn't often that you got the ‘deep and meaningfuls’ out of the Black boy. Sure he’d made it known how much he hated his family and their warped ideas; the whole school knew that! Yet he never divulged anything that made him appear vulnerable; anything that went against his hardened defences. He was beginning to understand the privilege it was to have Sirius open and make himself vulnerable to him. He just wondered if Sirius understood too.

Not knowing what to say in response he had grabbed the dark haired boy’s hand and lifted it to his lips. He knew it had been a bit soft of him but he had just wanted to show him that he at least cared for him and that he was grateful to be trusted enough to know his friend’s secrets. The blush that had spread on Sirius’ face was nothing short of spectacular and the shy smile that curved his lips had been a marvel to Remus. Best of all they had then sat in the common room and talked well into the early hours of the morning; doing so all the while holding hands.

-

‘Are Lydia and Lily very good friends? You don't think she’ll tell her I got off with her last night do you?’ James fretted for what was possibly the millionth time that afternoon. They hadn't long finished practice and were taking a walk around the edge of the grounds. ‘I don’t want her to think badly of me!’

‘She already does mate!’ Sirius scoffed and was poised to rattle off a list of all the things James had done in the past to make Lily Evan ‘think badly’ of him when the boy in question grabbed his arm and pulled him to a halt. 

‘Pads I'm serious!’ He whined.

‘And so am I! All jokes ignored! Red couldn't think any less of you if you tried! You could drown a kitten in front of her and I’m sure the level of disgust she feels towards you isn't a new thing!’

James looked suicidal at his friend’s very true words and gave out a groan.

‘I just want to… I dunno… Show her I'm worth giving her a chance! I’ve been trying to be a better bloke around her and now I've gone and gotten off with one of her mates!’

‘Woah, woah! Let's calm it a bit yeah?’ Sirius grabbed him by the shoulders and had to stop himself from shaking him, ‘Firstly! You only snogged Lydia right?’ James gave a despondent nod of the head, ‘You haven't started the romance of the century with her and if it comes to it you’ll just need to let her down gently. Do not break her heart and get all her friends pissed off at you, right? Do you think you can manage that?’ And another nod came from the woeful boy, ‘Secondly! I hate to break it you but you’re not a good bloke James Potter! But that's why we love you! And if that ginger bint can't accept you for who you are then she doesn't deserve you! Don't go changing just for her! She’s not worth it!’

James shrugged himself away from his hold and looked monumentally pissed off, ‘No Padfoot! You don't get it, do you? She is worth it! Jesus! I just… This isn't about changing completely! This is about being worthy of her; stepping up to the plate! Growing up! Lily deserves a man not an overgrown child! And right now I am nothing but a child! A boy! A pranking, trouble making and, at times, obnoxious boy! She’ll never want me!’

‘And like I said, we love you for it!’ Sirius cried out. 

‘But I don't want to be a boy! I want to be a man! A good man for her! You…’ And James passion seemed to falter now, ‘you wouldn't understand!’

‘Why not?!’ Sirius cried out indignantly. He had depths! 

‘You’ve never fancied anyone more than a week! You don't know what it's like to watch someone you want so badly; day in and day out!’

‘Who says?’ 

‘Oh come on! Really? Who?’

Ah. That took the fight right out of Sirius. He couldn't very well tell James he’d been watching Remus day in and day out for months now. And he especially couldn't tell him that it wasn't as passive as that. He couldn't just come out and tell James that for a while now it was only Remus he wanted to watch and kiss and fuck. He could barely admit it to himself! Let alone tell someone else. He couldn't even tell Remus for fuck sake!

‘See!’ James must have taken his silence as him conceding to his point.

‘One day you’re going to meet a girl you’re crazy about and you’re going to do everything in your power to be with her! And if you’re really lucky you’ll get her and you’ll know all this shite I’ve been spouting is all true! And when you do I’ll be happy for you but I’ll be laughing right in your face!’

He knew that last part was a joke but he did wonder if James would feel the same if he knew that Sirius had possibly found that with a boy… with their mate… Not that he had. He liked Remus of course. He certainly found himself watching him all the time and thinking about him just as much. He loathed to admit it but he did find himself acting a bit differently now that he and Remus were… whatever they were… He was less arrogant now and didn't indulge in the obnoxious flirting with every girl that he came into contact with (which usually meant showing off and being obnoxious towards the other boys) anymore. He behaved more in classes (not completely but there was an improvement) and he treated Peter more kindly. Why was he doing this all of a sudden? Well if were honest it was because he didn't want to piss Remus off. A happy Remus was a playful Remus and a playful Remus made Sirius happy. In short he enjoyed making him happy and could gladly spend all of his time doing so…

The bottom of Sirius’ stomach felt heavy all of a sudden. Was this what James was getting at? Had Sirius ‘matured’ for Remus in the way James wanted to for Lily? James professed to loving the girl too… was this how people in love acted? Was he in love with Remus? His stomach dropped again. No. Of course he wasn't. He wanted Remus to be happy because it usually meant he was more willing to mess around and that's what all of this was about. Two people messing around and exploring what could feel good. The very notion of being in love with Remus was ridiculous! Of course he loved him as a mate just as he loved James and to a lesser extent Peter but he wasn't in love with him. That would mean… it was just so… gay and if there was one thing Sirius Black wasn't it was gay. Full stop.

‘Speaking of which, have you got your eye on anyone? I've not heard you talk about girls in ages!’

And now the feeling in his stomach could most definitely be identified as dread. Cold heavy dread.

‘Nobody special,’ he tried for nonchalant but it possibly came out as murmured avoidance.

'Kayla Childs was gushing about you last night. She sounds well up for it. I could have a word with her if you want.’ 

And his stomach weighed heavier as Sirius thought about the prospect of getting off with the auburn haired seventh year. It wasn’t that she wasn't pretty but… but what? She was pretty? He should be jumping at the chance to get in her knickers.

‘Or Angie Podmore for that matter. Apparently you made it on her hot list. Lydia was going on about it last night…’

This piqued Sirius’ interest. Angie Podmore had to be beyond doubt the hottest girl in the school and possibly one of the loosest, ‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah,’ his best friend replied with a grin, ‘Lucky bastard! I’d get in there while you have the chance!’

‘Oh I will,’ Sirius attempted a lewd grin but could feel desperation bubble under the surface of it. He fancied Angie Podmore. He did. Everyone did and he was just like everyone else.

-

He decided to spend half and hour or so by himself by staying on at the Quidditch field. At first kidding himself that he needed to time to work out how he was going to woo the promising Angie but then recognising that he needed to work himself up to really want to do it in the first place. Was there any real need? The way he was carrying on with Remus was enough wasn't it? It was more than enough. He loved it; he was enjoying himself immensely... and that was the problem. The more fun he had the quieter and quieter his mantra of ‘I’m straight, I’m straight, I’m straight’ became. And he was straight, wasn't he? He was Sirius Fucking Black; Lothario and Rebel of the School. He knew who he was; he didn't need an identity crisis! 

Just as that thought crossed his mind the Hufflepuff team descended onto the field. He watched as a few of their senior male players rough housed and jostled one another as they walked across the pitch; brooms slung over shoulders and legs presented in the shorts that were much like the ones he had on now… his eyes couldn't help but notice those….

That wasn't right, was it? He’d never paid much attention to that before had he? Liar.

Alright, alright. He needed to sort this out in his head and the sooner the better. Did he actually look at other boys in the same way as he looked at Remus? Well of course not! Remus was his best mate no wonder he liked him in the way that he did!

No! Jeez Black, he admonished himself, enough of the delaying tactics and all that rot! Did he ever look at other blokes? Did he ever lust after them? He studied a few of the boys down on the pitch. He wasn't going to entertain the thought of looking at Mitchell Johansson; measly little git that he was. He was short; had crap hair; could give Snivellus a run for his money in the grease department and was a twat to boot. No way! Instead his attention went to Andrew Baxter. 

Baxter was in the same year as he was and was probably around the same height as him. He had a kind face of pale features but not in the way that might be considered sickly; perhaps more elegant. His body was as athletic as any Quidditch player but his legs were really something else. They were muscled in a way that suggested he played one of those muggle sports Remus occasionally talked about and they were dusted with hair that was on the right side of manly (unlike the Yeti like stumps Johansson had propping him up). Did he find him attractive? Well he was obviously a good looking lad… 

No! Cut that diplomatic bullshit out! Did he want to see the bloke naked and shag him rotten?

Sirius pictured this. He pictured the boy in his bed with absolutely nothing on. In his mind he himself was stroking his hands up and down his muscled thighs as he kissed him in that dirty way he liked to kiss Remus. He was lying between them, Baxter lying on his back, and Sirius was hoisting those so that they were wrapping around his own back. He imagined the blonde boy thrusting his backside towards him in an offering and look of absolute wanton lust on his face… Ohh… well then… that was new…

Was it? Was it though?

For Christ sakes who was he trying to fool? Of course he had thought of other blokes in that way! Little tiny thoughts had crept up on him before; ones he’d dismissed as idle curiosity. He’d wondered how Frank had smelled when he looked all sleep rumpled when he came down to the common room in his pyjamas on weekends. He’d briefly considered what it would have been like to be in Margery Philips place when she was having one of her legendary snogging sessions on the Gryffindor red sofa with her boyfriend Paolo Tills. He’d noticed when Henry Banks had started wearing tighter jeans on Hogsmede weekends and more damnably had been shell shocked how good a kisser Remus had been all those months ago when he had taught him how to kiss.

Aside from that last one he’d always assumed other boys had similar thoughts? Did other boys have similar thoughts? Oh Christ! He really thought they had similar thoughts! Then again other boys probably didn't shag their best mates and enjoy it so much? They probably didn't enjoy having said best mate’s dick in their mouth; hands down their pants; lips on their lips!

Oh God! Oh Christ! He was gay wasn't he? Panic engulfed him as he began to look at the last few months with clarity. The obvious now seemed to be hitting in the face; probably akin to a roundhouse he’d seen that brilliant muggle do in those films he and James had watched last summer. Remus had been right all along. Oh shit! Oh no! No!

No! This couldn't be true! This wasn't true? Was it? Was it??

-

When he was completely convinced that James was likely to be well on his way towards the Quidditch fields, Sirius grabbed his wand and cast a quick spell on the door. If there was one thing he didn't want to be caught doing it was certainly this. He'd waited all week for some privacy and had to resort to desperate measures by getting himself banned from practice for the week (despite the fact that the next game was so soon) to ensure that he got some tonight. He really couldn't put this off any longer; even when he was still a little scared of what the outcome may mean.

Completely satisfied that the door he had charmed was in fact locked, he made his way toward his trunk and with a sense of trepidation lifted the lid. He'd stowed away a package at the bottom last Sunday, after he'd snuck into Hogsmeade, and hadn't had the opportunity to dig it back out. He'd visited the village's branch of Flourish and Blotts and with the use of a few very dodgy cast confundus charms had been able to sneak into the restricted section of the bookstore and had swiped the particular item he now had in his possession. It had been a risky endeavor trying to get it back into the castle; had he been caught with it he'd have surely have been completely humiliated. Sirius had pinched plenty of illicit magazines in his time, as had his fellow Marauders, but he'd never picked one up of this nature before. He'd never really had cause to until very recently and now that he had a copy of Wand Workers, he wasn't completely sure what the hell he was doing with one.

Well... except that he did.

All this stuff with Remus had got him thinking; thinking all the time really. It's all he ever did. He wondered over what the hell they were playing at going to bed together in the way that the did. He pondered over why it was with one another; Remus was hardly the obvious choice of night time partner; he was bookish and good in an almost goody-two-shoes kind of way. Never in a million years would Sirius have guessed the deviousness of his nocturnal nature had he not experienced it first hand. He tried assessing how much he enjoyed it in comparison to all the other sexual experiences he had had. Was it better? Why was it better? He theorised why they did it in the first place. Had it been just two horny teenage boys wanting to get off any way they could? Were they always actually attracted to one another? In all honesty he didn't have the foggiest idea so he decided to do some research; top secret, covert research. 

He'd had to use all his stealth skills, cunning and James' invisibility cloak to get the right materials for his research and had wasted a full blooming trip to Hogsmeade waiting for his perfect time to strike the village's bookstore. And it wasn't as easy as lifting something from a shelve either! Due to the nature of the material he desired, he had to steal a key for a special cabinet that had long been whispered as myth by all Hogwarts male students of a certain age. Yes, despite the stores prim appearance Flourish and Blott's did indeed stock material of a certain adult nature on a request only basis. The thing was, there was no way that Sirius was going to request what he sought in that cabinet. There was no way in hairy hell he was first going to admit to what he wanted to look at and secondly that he was going to pass the necessary age check (he could only bluff his way around those to Madame Rosemerta). So he had resorted to one of his proudest skills; he had swiped it without anyone noticing. 

And now here it was; sitting in his lap with the cover facing up towards him and his face peering down onto it with trepidation. All that effort and, in all honestly, he was terrified to look in it.

'It's only a magazine,' he reasoned with himself bravely, 'Nobody needs to know.'

He'd know. Then again he knew about everything else anyway…

Good point!

On this bout of courage Sirius tentatively peeled back the first page and to his relief he wasn't met with anything more alarming than a contents page with a few snapshots of some topless men. That he could handle. That he could cope with. There was nothing too frightening about that page. He summoned his courage and turned the page once more.

The next page instantly caught his attention. There sprawled across the page was a young man that couldn't have been any more than a few years older than Sirius himself. He was completely naked and was fairly built and had hair that was oddly like James' but it was none of these attributes that really captured Sirius' attention; it was what he was doing. The young man had his legs spread apart and seemed to be getting very familiar with his wand. Very familiar and Sirius' heart rate quickened and he felt his breathing shallow as he watched him. He'd never, ever, ever dream of doing what that lad was doing with a wand. To even contemplate it seemed like sacrilege but the way his body was reacting to it, the way he was driving it into himself and making himself come undone with it, well, it made Sirius' body react too. It reminded him of the way Remus had laid on his bed one night and had pretty much acted out the same scene except he had used his fingers instead.

He’d never really understood it at the time. Or had he? He knew he liked watching Remus do that to himself but the thought of having something rammed up his own backside was eye-watering. He’d been terrified yet enthralled as he’d watched his friend perform the elicit act on himself but now as he watched the image in the magazine the urge to try it was much stronger. Tentatively, he began to unbuckle his trousers and slid the garments over his hips until he was fully exposed to himself. 

There was nothing scary about that and as he watched himself harden, exposed completely in the dim dormitory light, he reckoned it felt like any other time he’d decided to crack one off. Bearing that normalcy in mind he reached down and started the bog standard self loving technique he’d always championed. This was all old hat. He could do this! It felt pretty… uhh… pretty damn good!

His attention went back to the magazine which was sat beside him, still opened at the same lad, on his bed. Oh God he was really giving it to himself. Sirius noted that as he worked the wand into his backside he was driving his arse down to meet it with a look of determination on his face… not that Sirius was really looking at his face. Christ it must really have felt good…

Before he could loose his nerve he shoved two of his fingers into his own mouth and then thrust them down between his bum cheeks. There they rested for a moment before he began to rub at his entrance.

Oh…

The sensation was instant. It was as if someone had lit a fire down there; somewhere kind of south of his groin. God… it was nice… It was like… getting a shoulder rub as he rubbed one off… But not… it was better… Definitely better. He could keep doing this. Definitely keep doing this.. Why didn't he know about doing this? Ahh…

A curious thing began to happen as he continued to message himself down there. He could feel himself opening up now to the point that the prospect of slipping one of his fingers didn't seem so scary. It just seemed like the natural progression in making this feel so much better. So he did it.

He started with his middle finger; he wormed it into himself and when he found himself grinding down on it he tried his index finger too and fuck didn't that feel weird! Weird, weird, weird, weird weird. But good… He felt kind of full but was aware more could probably fit. He felt a bit dirty and a bit shameful what with him having his legs spread and his own fingers up his arse yet the very idea (and feeling) had him plunging deeper and deeper into himself; faster and faster. Then it happened. He found it. The holy grail! The reason why that lad was shoving a flaming wand up himself. Why Remus had begged him to touch him in that way. At this very point his reason for existing. He found that wonderful spot that had him slamming himself down onto his digits; grunting like a filthy pig as he bit hard onto his lip; sweating like one too. Holy shit he was seeing stars even when he closed his eyes which he could barely keep open. It was so good. So, so good that he felt like sobbing both in relief for finding it and despair at not finding it sooner. His lungs were burning for air and he thought he was going to suffocate and drown in the sensation yet he had to fuck himself even harder as he stroked himself with lighting speed. He was so close his back was arching off the bed to beat him to the finish line. He was nearly there… nearly… close… so close… he was sure his fingers were going to have friction burns… close… but he didn't fucking care cause he fucking loved it… close, close, close…

Then he came. In white heat and an explosion of heart, lungs and pretty much every nerve ending in his body. Plus the obvious... And he was left in a sticky, sweaty, panting mess. 

 

The onset of panic happened immediately. What the fuck was he doing with this magazine? Why had he even been...? What had he just been doing? It was one thing getting off with one of his best friends on a near nightly basis - that was kicks really wasn't it? - but to actually touch himself whilst looking at a magazine like this? No. Just no.

But he had. 

And he'd enjoyed it.

No. Well yes but... he really couldn't explain himself out of that one. Then a thought struck him like lightning. He could be just as easily affected by those titty magazines James had a stash of. He knew he had some hidden in his trunk somewhere and if he found one he could prove to himself that he was at least a little bit more normal than how he felt right now. 

Yanking up his pants and trousers up Sirius quickly scurried to the trunk of his friend and frantically ransacked it until he found what he was looking for. Grabbing the first one that came to hand he quickly dived back between the drapes of his bed and threw open the magazine. Right there as the centrefold was a bare chested witch with an open see through blouse and a pair of barely there panties. Her hair was a dark blonde colour and one finger twiddled a strand as she pretended to smile coyly for the camera. In short she was hot. 

Yes this would do, Sirius thought to himself, as he began to get comfortable. The witch in the magazine was everything a boy could ever dream off. She was pretty and she had fantastic tits. Sirius liked tits didn't he? He liked this woman's (although the back of his mind noted that he felt more grateful for their presence rather than turned on but denial came and karate chopped it into silence). He liked them on other girls. Saying that the girls he had been with weren't exactly over supplying in the boob department but they had them, and that's what mattered. Tits were the tits! And Sirius liked them! Those men in those magazines didn't have them so really he was wasting his time looking at those magazines.

But they had something else... What they lacked in the chest department they certainly made up for with this distinct something else. And Remus had one and so did Sirius for that matter. What's more was that they could wonderful things with them together. They could rub them together or they could simply stroke them with their hands. Putting them in one another's mouth was fantastic too. Strangely fantastic. And then there was where he had once been allowed to put his in Remus... Christ that had been fantastic! And this girl didn't have one of those...

No!

Flipping the page he came across a picture of a witch enjoying herself with two wizards. She had them both in her hand and the two men were panting at her touch. Yes. This was more like it. He could completely relate to what was going on on the page in front of him. His breathing shallowed and his skin tingled as he watched the witch pump both of her fists up and down. His heart sped up and something wonderful pooled in the pit of his stomach before melting lower to his groin as he watched the two young wizards writhe and groan to what was being done to them. The one on the left in particular held Sirius' attention most. The way he craned his neck and exposed his long neck as he succumbed to the pleasure that was rubbed through him was particularly pleasing. The other wizard wasn't too bad either and as he continued to look at the page he couldn't stop help but thinking the whole scenario could have been better if the two men pushed the woman in the middle away and just got on with it themselves.

No!

Bloody fucking hell! What was wrong with him? Since when had that been more favorable than a naked witch? He flipped the page in harsh desperation once more. This time he came across another naked blonde witch except this time she was with just the one man and this time he was taking her from behind. She was down on her hands and knees as a fairly muscled wizard rocked in and out of her as his hands clutched at her hips. Okay. This was good. He was just going to look at the girl. There was absolutely no need to look at the bloke at all. Yep. He could do that. He could keep his eyes on her as the wizard thrusted in and out of her. He didn't have to wonder about how that might actually feel to have that done to you. He didn't need to notice the way the bloke's arse clenched a little every time he pushed fully inside her or how his dick looked as slid in and out of eye shot...

Despair flooded the young Black heir. His head hurt and he felt even more confused than when he had started. Not a single thing had been cleared up. If anything thinking about these things were making everything seem worse! Christ how the fuck did Moony cope with this? He was always thinking and always telling Sirius to think things over before taking rash actions. Well no more! Thinking was to blame for all this confusion so from hence forward he was going to think no more! He was going to just do and let whatever be be!

What harm could come from that?


	15. Of Quidditch Heroes and Dirty Dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is man of the match...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Another long wait for a chapter! As always I'm sorry! This one is extra long so hopefully that'll make up for it. The songs in the middle are T-Rex 'Get it On' and Bowie's 'John I'm only dancing' (love me some Bowie!). Let me know what you's think! 
> 
> On and while I remember! I've always imagined Remus Welsh but as I was re-reading through this I realised I never ever mentioned that so I'm gonna add in some references here and there. Loves me a welsh boy!

Of Quidditch Heroes and Dirty Dancing

 

'Hey Remus!' 

The boy in question sighed in frustration as his quiet reverie was broken. He and the other boys were relaxing under the huge Oak tree by the lake on what had quite possibly turned out to be the proper start of summer. They had been lounging about in the grass, Remus with his body sprawled out and his eyes peacefully closed, until James had taken it upon himself to break the silence.

'Hey Moony!' His friend tried again.

'M'what?' The werewolf lazily replied as he twisted his head to the side just a fraction and squinted in the hazy sunshine.

'Graves hasn't half gotten hotter ever since she dumped you,' James commented as he looked along the lake's bank to where Remus' short lived girlfriend was sitting with some of her friends. 

'Technically he dumped her,' Sirius corrected his best friend as he ripped shreds of grass out of the ground. Remus' gaze lingered on him for a moment as he took in the sight of the other boy trying his best to cover up his awkwardness. To the others it may have looked like indifference to the conversation but Remus could spot it just under the surface of his friend's demeanor.

'Regardless, shagging her has done her the world of good! I'm sure she never used to wear shirts as tight as those before Moony got his claws into her!'

Remus grunted in disgust then went back to lounging in the sun with his eyes closed. The guilt he had felt over his disastrous relationship with Lana still hadn't subsided and he very much didn't want to get into it with the other boys. Much less with Sirius who had pretty much been the cause for their break up.

But the other boys clearly weren't finished.

'Either that or Moony was so spectacularly bad that she's putting herself out there to get a real man!' Peter chortled and James soon followed with his own guffawing. Remus opened his eyes once again to check on the fourth member of the group's reaction to this and was disheartened to see Sirius sycophantically laughing along. 

'I am a real man,' he said calmly; trying not to show how the slight against him had ruffled him a bit. Just because he had discovered that he also preferred being with men didn't mean that he wasn't a real one himself. He could make peace with the fact that he was a bloke who happened to occasionally like blokes too. It didn't make him an effeminate weirdo. Did it? 

'You never did explain what happened between you two. Was it cause you’d worked out you were half bent? Cause I thought that meant you liked girls too?’ James dragged up the one question Remus didn't want to answer truthfully; not yet anyway. 

'It just wasn't working out.' Remus feigned nonchalance towards the whole subject despite feeling a wreck inside. He hated lying to his friends. He'd just need to see this out with vagueness and indifference until they dropped the questions.

'But how?' Peter pressed on, 'The pair of you seemed so happy together! She was clever! I even caught her stroking a book in the library once! I swear down dead!'

Only James laughed naturally at the reference to the well worn joke about Remus' apparent fetish for books. Remus was convinced Sirius was trying to act out his performance of a lifetime by stiffly laughing along to. 

'Yeah mate, she was perfect for you!' James chimed in, 'Come on something must have happened? You must have cocked it up somehow.'

'I didn't...' Remus tiredly went on to explain the exact moment Peter crowed, 'Well that's exactly what he did do and then he dumped her straight after!'

'That wasn't...' The accused boy tried to deny as he sat up quickly in indignation but his friends weren't letting him get a word in edge ways.

'You old dog Moony!' James barked with laughter.

'I...' The protest fell flat once again.

'You old wolf you mean!' Peter snorted.

'Keep it down! For fuck sake!' Remus berated them and this time the others finally listened and set about trying to control their laughter.

'Come on mate just tell us! We tell you everything!' James implored, 'Was she really bad in bed or something? Is there someone else?'

'She was fine!' Remus implored them to believe him, 'And there isn't any other girl!'

As soon as the words left his mouth he instantly regretted them. It wasn't as if James and Peter were likely to work out how true a statement that was but judging by the death glare Sirius was giving him he had. The werewolf's cheeks reddened and he hastily wondered how he could explain to Sirius without outwardly saying it in front of the others that that little piece of denial had just been worded poorly rather than an effort to out what had really been going on but he knew it was useless. 

'If you say so Moonshine,' James skeptically replied with a roll of his eyes and then grinned in a conspiring manner towards Sirius who offered a tight smile of his own back.

'Oh heads up lads,' Peter mercifully diverted all their attention away, 'Podmore alert!'

All four boys looked over to where the older girl was walking alongside the lake towards a group of seventh year fellow Hufflepuffs and a few Ravenclaws. The afternoon sun meant that the girl of their attention was walking around with a shirt just as tight as the aforementioned Lana Graves, but with her curvier chest it definitely garnered her much more attention.

'She is just unreal,' Peter practically panted, 'How is it possible that she's... just so... so...'

'Probably pretty well practiced with a few glamour charms,' Remus offered in what accidentally ended up sounding more snide he than he meant to. It wasn't that he didn't find Angie attractive, he did, it was just that he found her attractive in a slightly intimidating way. She just oozed sex appeal, far too much for a girl her age, and Remus found it difficult to comprehend how any lad at this school could handle it.

'Blasphemy!' James cried, 'We do not speak ill of Miss Podmore! She is a goddess to be admired by all mere mortals! What's gotten into you?'

'I....'

'Yeah Moony,' Sirius snidely chipped in, 'What is wrong with you?'

The wave of hurt that washed over Remus at hearing his friend's cruel insinuation didn't last long; he was used to it. For the past few days this had been occurring more and more. It was as if Sirius was over compensating for their bedtime intimacies, for some reason unknown to Remus, by being an aloof prat in front of the others; especially when it came to the subject of girls. God forbid Sirius didn't play up to his apparent Lothario status. James and Peter would pathetically lap up his words of wisdom on the fairer sex whereas Remus would sit there in silence wishing he could give the boys detailed commentary of what Sirius was actually like in bed. Not that he would but it would certainly take the other boy down a peg or two; like now as he stared at Remus with a look of derision. 

'N... Nothing. There's nothing wrong with me!' he said instead, 'She's gorgeous! It's just that I... I can't imagine her ever wanting to go out with blokes like us. She probably likes older guys. Grown up proper guys.'

'Pffft!' Sirius mocked, 'I am a proper guy! I bet she'd go out with me in a heart beat!'

The werewolf inwardly despaired. He really couldn't bear to listen to this drivel once again.

'Angie Podmore has been a woman since she was in fourth year! She'd eat you alive mate!' James shared his doubts.

'Pffft! I can handle a girl like her! She just needs the right sort of bloke to please her!'

The sort of bloke that liked other blokes pleasing him Remus mused as he lay back down in the grass, signaling that he no longer wanted any part in the conversation.

'And that bloke's you?' Peter shot back incredulous even at Sirius' 'magic touch' with the ladies.

'I like a challenge!' Sirius grinned with so much over confidence that it repulsed Remus a little to hear it. Then, in his peripheral vision from his lying position, he watched as Sirius rose to his feet and began to walk in the direction of the girl. A mixture of dread and morbid fascination made the werewolf sit up a little so he could properly watch the scene unfold.

There he was, swaggering towards the group of witches that made up Podmore’s inner circle. The girl in question was sat in the middle of them and was wearing a smirk of satisfaction as Sirius approached her.

‘Alright Angie?’ The raven haired, cocksure boy gave her his patented casual yet aloof greeting. He probably thought he appeared all teenage rebel, James Dean-esque but in reality, at least to Remus, he just looked like an arrogant prick.

Angie seemed to be buying it, however, judging by the flirtatious grin she gave up towards the pathetic peacock of a boy, ‘M’alright Black. Ready for the big game on Saturday? Seen you up on that broom practicing a lot.’

‘All routine really Ang,’ the idiot of a boy shrugged faux nonchalantly. ‘Got to show the rest of the team how it's done. Give them something to aspire to.’

Like being an arrogant twat?

‘Bloody hell,’ and even James was rolling his eyes at his arrogance; Remus wanted to throw up instead.

‘I could have not sat on a broom for a year and I’d still lead our team to glory on Saturday.’

Delusion really didn't look attractive on Sirius, Remus decided.

‘I wouldn't mind sitting on a broom with you Black,’ the blonde girl replied and the repugnant look of lust on her face made Remus want to get up and kick her. Sirius too for that matter. Yet he stayed firmly on the ground and continued to watch the bizarre charade unfold like the total glutton for punishment he was.

'Oh you can sit on anything I own Podmore,’ came the reply and even Peter sputtered in shock at the sleaziness of it.

That was it. 

Remus was done. 

He wasn't going to sit around and listen to that bullshit, especially when Sirius must have known how it must have been making him feel. He hated the radioactive feeling of jealousy in his stomach but in that moment he hated Sirius Black even more. He was damned if he was going to bear witness to this nonsense any longer. Fuck that!

‘Where are you off to Moons?’ James asked as he gathered up his belongings but both his anger and resentment made it impossible for him to answer. He wasn't entirely certain what would have come out of his mouth had he tried to actually reply anyway. So quietly he slung his backpack over his shoulder and wordlessly headed towards the castle.

‘Moony! What's wrong?’ He heard Peter cry as he painstakingly had to pass Sirius and the gaggle of girls. He had intended not to even grace them with a glance but his eyes had betrayed him at the last moment and he made eye contact with Sirius. In reply to his stoney face Sirius looked at him with his own butter-wouldn't- melt expression and it took the annoyed boy everything in his power to not shin him as he walked past.

'Luuuuuupiiiin you crazy bastard!’ James made one last attempt to appeal to him but he wasn't for turning. Never had he been so desperate to be in his wolf form so that he could just run free and forget all about what had just happened. Saying that, the way he was feeling right now it would have probably resulted in a few ripped throats and he didn't want that… 

No, he didn't! 

-

The Saturday of the Ravenclaw-Gryffindor match finally dawned and the Marauders dorm room was abuzz with the usual excitement that match days usually brought. Peter was kitted out in his homemade support top which consisted of a crudely sewn on lion on a red t-shirt on the words ‘Gryffin-Roar!!!’ Spelled on the back. He also had his school scarf wound around his neck despite the good weather and gold glitter sprayed on to his hair. On sight Remus had offered him a polite smile and had pursed his lips tight together in a bid to not make any fairy jokes. He was allowed to say them after all. 

James and Sirius were locked into ‘the zone’, which meant they were psyching each other up in the usual way that they did. Making slurs against the other team and over exaggerating their own prowess and greatness at the sport.

‘Those swotty bastards aren't going to know what hit them when Gryffindor’s greatest ever Beater duo smack the living day lights out of them!’ James declared triumphantly as he excitedly bounced on his bed.

‘All thanks to your genius tactics Jim-me-lad!’ Sirius crowed in reply then began swinging his beaters bat with abandon, ‘Wham! Bam! Thank you mam!’

Remus watched from his position on the bed as boy narrowly missed hitting the candle chandelier. 

‘Madame Pomfrey’s going to have a busy night tonight I can tell you!’

‘You haven't spiked the other team again, have you?’ Peter asked suspiciously from his perching position on his bed.

‘No!’ Sirius sardonically replied before admonishing him, ‘because of all the head injuries. Do keep up Wormy!’

‘Apparently Harolds has had Ravenclaw do extra practice all this week,’ Peter supplied helpfully rather than taking any notice of Sirius.

‘And so she should!’ James boomed as he jumped off the bed, ‘For we are a fearsome team of extraordinary talent! Hufflepuffs quake in their boots at the mere sight of us carrying a broom! Ravenclaws cry at the cleverness of our play tactics and Slytherins… uh….’

He paused in his soliloquy and searched the dormitory ceiling for a suitable exaggeration.

‘Slither away?’ Remus suggested from behind his book, never taking his eyes off the page. James pointed at him and accepted his input and continued just as passionately.

‘They slither away back to their greasy dungeons at our noble regard for the rules,’ Remus snorted at that, ‘and fair play! For we are indeed noble men! Fearsome, noblemen!’

‘Here! Here!’ The other player in the room cheered his agreement.

‘And this fearsome noble man is bloody starving!’ The spectacled young man declared, ‘So off to breakfast we go!’

And at that James, Peter and Sirius made for the door; two of them kitted in Quidditch robes and the other looking ridiculous. It wasn't until Sirius had nearly left the room did he notice that Remus wasn't following behind. With a quick glance at the werewolf he called ahead, ‘I’ll just be a minute mates! You go on ahead! Save me some eggs!’ 

Remus then watched him as he came back into the room with a quizzical look on his handsome features and sauntered towards him.

‘You not coming, eh?’ 

‘I’ll get something when everyone’s down at the match. I can't stand the Great Hall on match days,’ he replied more to his book than he did Sirius. When he did glance at him the boy looked absolutely dumbfounded.

‘You can't not come!’ He finally chocked out.

‘And whys that?’ He placed his book and gave the boy a hard, scrutinising stare.

‘Well Prongs’ll kill you for a start! And you need to come watch how amazing I'm going to be!’

The werewolf rolled his eyes, ‘Modesty usually helps athletes focus on the game. Do you know that?’ He made to pick up his book but Sirius reached it first and pushed it out of his reach.

‘Come on Moons. I need to know someone is cheering for me down there,’ and a sly, flirty smile was creeping onto the edge of mouth.

‘I think Peter and the fan club should be able to give you support enough…’

‘Yeah but none of them will give me a kiss for good luck,’ and the flirtation was on full mode now. Remus fixed him with a stare for a long moment. Only yesterday Sirius was ignoring him in favour for a particular member of his little fan club. 

‘I rather think they w…’

‘I mean there’s only one person I want a good luck kiss from, Moony,’ he stared at the werewolf pointedly this time so there was no mistake who that person was. His eyes then flicked down towards Remus’ lips.

‘God damn it!’ Remus admonished himself in his head as his stomach fluttered with nerves. Sirius had been ignoring him for days as he sought out attention from multiple girls and it had royally pissed him off. And now that he was throwing him a crumb of attention he was practically swooning.

'So how about it?' The dark haired boy wagged his eyebrows suggestively and because his brain had completely short circuited; because he was a weak, weak fool; and because James would kill him if he found out he had put Sirius in a foul mood right before an important game Remus leaned in and gave him his wish.

-  
Despite Remus’ best efforts, however, the Gryffindor team wasn't completely without drama before the game had started. Remus and Sirius had joined the rest of their house for breakfast just in time to witness James frantically pulling his hair out with worry. Not that that was uncommon but he seemed more frantic than usual. 

‘Do I dare to ask?’ Sirius turned to a nearby Ralston who was looking on with worry as she too watched the pre-game breakdown of James Potter. 

‘Tilbury has only gone and come down with dragon pox this morning,’ she informed the beater, ‘and the rest of his roommates have it too.’

Sirius clicked on immediately, ‘So that's Wilchdale too? He’s the only reserve that plays chaser.’

‘Exactly,’ the girl sighed despondently, ‘I can't very well chase on my own, can I? Little Donaldson is probably good enough for the match but his strongest position is beater. We could always try him as a chaser but he’s not as confident as he is beating. He’s only a second year. He’s not got enough experience.’ 

‘Couldn’t James just swap?’ Remus suggested. He was pretty sure he’d witnessed James catch about a million Quaffles over the years. Why was this such a catastrophe?

‘Being a beater gives him a better chance to watch over the entire game,’ Sirius replied to him distractedly as he studied their best friend as he panicked.

‘Oh,’ Remus could only reply dumbly; not really realising the role of captain meant James had to do that. He just assumed they all just kinda got on with it. He would never understand Quidditch and he would never understand how it managed to reduce James to the stressed maniac he was acting like now. Currently he had his head in his hands as and appeared to be on the verge of weeping. Yup, he’d never understand it. 

Suddenly the manic boy’s head popped up and he had the look of someone who was experiencing an epiphany. 

‘You! Padfoot! You!’ James pointed at him like a man gone mad, ‘you play both ways!’

‘Come again?’ The dark haired boy quirked his eyebrow at the obvious accidental double entendre.

‘You!!’ And now the mad man was on his feet and was bodily shaking his friend as if Sirius himself was the answer to his prayers, ‘I’ve seen you play chaser a million times! You can swap and Donaldson can cover for you! Yes that's it!’

‘Me?’ Sirius appeared a little more than dumbfounded.

‘You!’ James confirmed by grinning triumphantly and with a mad gleam in his eyes, ‘You!!!!’

-

James' maverick plan seemed to be paying off. It had taken Sirius a while to adjust to his new role as Chaser but now that he had the hang of it he seemed unstoppable; Quaffle after Quaffle was being launched into the goalposts with Henry Bilton, the Ravenclaw goalie incapable of stopping them. 

Remus watched as his raven haired friend, and now man-of-the-moment, celebrated his latest goal with a punch in the air. He was more than comfortable now to be on the pitch without his trusty Beaters bat and it was clear to all that perhaps the young Black heir had been playing in the wrong position for years. 

The Quaffle was released back into the stadium and the game continued as Gryffindor led 90 points to Ravenclaw's dismal, and frankly embarrassing, attempt to score any points. Remus, never the biggest fan of the sport, was enthralled by the action now. Ravenclaw, clearly giving themselves a kick up the arse, was finally turning it up a notch and were flying, chasing and beating more aggressively but Sirius was making a mockery of them as he scored yet another goal. The Gryffindor side of the stadium erupted in applause and cheering.

'On yourself Black ma man!' came the not so lilting Scots accent of Andrew MacMillan of fifth year.

'Yeeesss, yeeessss, yeeesssss!' Remus heard Darlene Kilter; a usual shy, studious fourth year, cry out in celebration.

He was even certain he saw Dumbledore give a very small, if somewhat biased, fist pump.

'He's amazing!' Peter gushed by Remus' side and all he could do was grin to show his agreement.

He really, really was amazing. His best friend was definitely turning out to be the man of the match. Sirius glided around the stadium with so much command and so much skill that Remus was certain that there wasn't a single person in the stadium at that moment who didn't admire his friend in some way. 

A proud feeling radiated from his chest then. There he was, the boy he was best friends with, the boy he was sleeping with, flying around and generally being spectacular. 

\--

Remus had never been one to join in with the hysterics of celebration whenever their house had won at Quidditch. He'd always congratulated the team with warm smiles and enjoyed the rest of Gryffindor being in such high spirits but that was usually where it ended. He'd never understood the euphoria other students usually experienced with the result of a successful game but tonight was certainly a different case all together. Tonight, not only had his best friend been the star player of the Gryffindor's triumphant return to the possibility of winning the Quiddich Cup this year, but he'd been instrumental in one of the most nail biting, thrilling victories the school had seen in a long time.

The Quaffle had been launched back into the stadium after his friend's goal had taken his team to the score of 100-0 and the action had continued for another twenty minutes. Ravenclaw were now playing with a desperation nobody had ever recalled seeing before. The chasers were taking more riskier shots at the goal. The beaters were batting the Bludgers with the anger and precision heightened with the need to stop the Griffindors from winning. The Seeker, Rory Findle, was desperately searching for the Snitch. 

Remus was so wrapped up in watching the triumphant performance of Sirius that, like most of the stadium, he failed to notice the fateful moment Findle seemed to spot the fluttering, golden sphere and began to give chase.

'The snitch!' someone cried from a few rows below him in the stands, alerting him to the recent development in the game and he followed the girl's outstretched arm in the direction of the pursuit. There Findle was, a blue and bronze streak, tearing after the golden prize. It wasn't too long before a red and gold uniform was hot on his heels and the fight to be the first to catch the Snitch was on.

Remus hadn't known where to look now. Briefly his eyes flickered to Sirius who, like the rest of the team, was mildly distracted by what was going on between the Seekers. When they flickered back to him again he saw a look of determination on the young man's mud streaked face and watched as he tore off in the opposite direction from the chase for the Snitch. Remus realised he was off to put his all into his part of winning the game as he made for the Quaffle that was still in play. Now Remus really was torn. Just like the rest of the stadium he didn't want to miss a moment of the battle going on between Findle and the Gryffindor Seeker, Lidius Bell but at the same time Sirius was putting in a good effort too. His friend was ducking and diving in a spectacular fashion; avoiding Bludgers and rival team members alike. His attempts at the goals were becoming frantic as the two Seekers continued to whiz around the pitch in a frenzy and were completely missing their target. But that look of determination never wavered from the boys face and it was clear that Sirius was doing everything in his power to stop the final score from tying at 100 each if Findle was successful in catching the winged ball.

And that seemed like a real possibility as the Ravenclaw student sought out the Snitch with an aggression Remus was quite frankly surprised at. The boy was dodging every bludger James was batting mercilessly at him and was taking sharp dives to follow the golden sphere's movement around the stadium; always painfully just outside the Snitches grasp.

The triumphant atmosphere of the Gryffindor stands had morphed into one of trepidation as everyone's eyes followed the almost successful course of the blue and bronze robe around the stadium. There had been so many close calls to the Findle boy actually capturing the glittering ball, would there be another one?

It seemed that there would be and for a heart breaking moment as the deft fingers of the Ravenclaw Seeker began to glide across the surface of the Snitch a collective gasp of breath was taken. Surely it couldn't be? Surely they weren't going to have to settle for a draw? Surely the triumphant victory Sirius Black had all but promised them with his dazzling performance hadn't been snatched cruelly from them at the least likely moment?

It seemed it had.

But clearly people weren't paying proper attention at that moment.

Just as Findle's finger began to close around the fluttering ball, most of the stadium failed to notice that Sirius had one last trick up his sleeve. Remus had turned just in time to see the boy raise his arm, Quaffle in the air, and sling a shot towards the goal. The red ball flew through the air with a speed the Ravenclaw goalie couldn't cope with and through a hoop it soared.

'He done it,' Remus muttered in shock mere seconds before the announcement went up.

'Gooooooal!' Professor Lexter declared in triumphant, alerting most of the crowd to what had just happened, 'Gryffindor lead 110-0! And Ravenclaw have just caught the Snitch! That's 110-100 to Gryffindor and they win the match!'

Remus had never seen or heard the stands of the Quidditch stadium erupt so loudly in his life!

Unsurprisingly Gryffindor Tower had erupted into a party scene. Everyone from little first years to the more serious, studious seven years were jubilant in celebration. Remus had to laugh as he took in the scene. Anyone would have thought they had won the Quidditch Cup judging by the buzz of the place not win a season match. But then again, his friend's brilliant broom skills had allowed the team to reach the final when all hope had been lost from their previous matches. Perhaps the level of euphoria was appropriate after all?

'Of course a brilliant team captain knows when to take daring risks,' he heard James announce and looked over to where he was sat, arm slung over Sirius, as he took an audience with a large group of Gryffindors hanging on his every word.

'And you are that brilliant team captain, mate,' He watched Sirius grin.

'I am aren't I?' James nodded in what would have been a smug fashion had the sentiment not been true. 

'I think Sirius was just wonderful,' came a female voice from the gathered crowd and to Remus' dismay he saw it was Angie Podmore; all legs and big boobs, 'You must have really strong arms to throw a Quaffle like that!'

The look Sirius gave her in reply was almost sickening. 

'Well I do work out Angie,' he practically leered at her and was met by a flirtatious giggle. It was a sound that probably sounded enviable to all the other boys gathered in their little group but to Remus, it sounded dreadful.

'I can't wait to see you play in the final,' the blonde purred, 'You really look good up on that broom.'

Wench, Remus thought bitterly.

'You could always come watch me practice.'

Idiot, he sneered in his head.

-

Remus swayed lightly on the spot as he took in the sight before him. There Sirius was, dancing with Angie bloody Podmore; arms slung around her and her back pressed up against him as they swayed to Marc Bolan as he bid them to Get It On. The sight was enough to make anyone sick. There they were, practically dry humping in the common room, in full view of everyone. Did they really have no class? Well, Angie flaming Podmore certainly didn't. Remus always suspected it and now he knew for sure. What kind of girl allowed herself be objectified like that? In front of so many people?If Remus had the presence of mind to look around the room he would have seen she was far from the only one behaving in such a manner but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the scene.

Was Sirius actually enjoying this? Was it getting him all hot and bothered being flush up against the blonde girl? Was it the same as when he'd once pushed up behind Remus, naked in Remus' bed? Was he getting turned on? By the look on the face, he definitely wasn't finding the experience unpleasurable. He was grinning like the cat that got the cream and was whispering into the girl's ear. What was he saying? Was he telling her how much he wanted her? How turned on he was? Was he using that low, gravelly voice he often used in Remus' ear. 

Remus remembered his friend had once whispered how much he'd wanted to fuck him and he remembered the way his hands had slide up and down his hips, much like they were on Angie fucking Podmore.

'Cor, I can't believe Sirius is dancing with Ange,' Peter's voice interrupted his thoughts.

'Yeah,' was all Remus could offer in reply.

'Do you think he'll shag her tonight?'

And although Remus had been entertaining the possibility, having his friend muse this aloud made his stomach drop unpleasantly. God he really hoped not.

'Give us that,' he commanded as he grabbed a bottle of fire whiskey from his staring friend. If he was going to witness this he was going to do so as drunk as possible; then hopefully what he was seeing would eventually go a little fuzzy; or would numb the jealousy he felt.

Why did he have to want the most popular (and obnoxious and pig headed) boy in school? The one that everybody wanted a piece of? If it had been Peter he fancied, and he felt that way that Sirius felt about him (cause the bastard felt something, he knew he did), then they wouldn't have this problem. He and Peter would just be together with no interruptions or rivals or anything! They could just shag and have with it! 

That last thought was enough to make him stop drinking. Him and Peter… that was just wrong on so many levels! But the principle of the matter was… it was… what was it again? Oh yeah! Sirius was an over complicated bastard and one who did as he pleased and didn't give a shit whose feeling he hurt along the way! There he was! Being a complete dick! With that… floozy! Had Remus done the same that dick would have pitched a fit! He’d be over in a flash…

Oh… well there was a thought. 

Remus’ bleary eyes scanned the room as his plan formulated in his head. First find a willing girl and then dance with her in the same selfishly provocative way his friend was dancing with that hussy! It wasn't much of a plan but it was all he had! He was damned he was expected to just put up with this! Eventually he spotted a potential partner in Gina Sykes; a girl who was relatively laid back and hadn't seemed too bothered about the whole coming out thing as far as Remus had been aware. She’d never made a jibe towards him and still spoke to him in the way she always had. Plus there was the bonus of not being too far away; wasn't already dancing and was probably just as drunk as he was. She was perfect!

His mind made up Remus thrust the. Firewhiskey bottle back towards Peter and wordlessly moved in pursuit of the girl.

‘Sykes, Gina,’ he tried for confident but probably came across more clumsy as he swayed on the spot a little. Christ that Firewhisky was quick! ‘Fancy a dance?’

The brunette weighed up the proposition as her drunk friends giggled around her.

‘Sure,’ she finally agreed with a grin and held out her hand, ‘lead the way Lupin.’

And he did and within seconds he had pulled the girl into the dancing crowd of the common room and had his hands around her waist while hers snaked around his neck. 

-

Meanwhile, not too far away, Sirius still danced with his front pressed firmly against Angie. She was gorgeous wasn't she? All legs and boobs and arse which he hadn't appreciated as much until he started dancing right up against it. Of course this wasn't the only things that made Angie so great. She was a brilliant girl with a good, fun personality who didn't take life too seriously and God did it feel good to spend time with someone that took his mind of things....

Right now he felt normal. No, better than normal. He felt like a God! He had managed to pull the best bird in school and he could feel the respect and jealousy radiating off every other boy in the room.

-

Well nearly every other boy in the room because, unknown to Sirius, across said room Remus and his partner danced out the last few beats of T-Rex together, both giggling madly at the absurdity of them dancing together being as drunk as they were. Remus knew what Gina must have been thinking; what every other lad in the room must have been thinking too. Here was shy, reserved, perfectly Remus Lupin actually pulling a girl. The poof of Gryffindor. Heck, the poof of Hogwarts! But he didn't give a toss. In that moment he didn't really care what anybody else thought of him anymore. He was who he was and fuck the rest of them for staring. In that moment he wouldn't have even cared if the words ‘werewolf’ blazed across his forehead. Let them all whisper; let them all stare. He was still a red blooded man despite the fact that having a beautiful girl or a beautiful boy in his arms felt equally as thrilling to him. Right now he felt glorious. He felt free. He felt daring as he let his hands slide up and down his willing dance partner. 

Then something amazing happened. As if some cosmic power had conspired with Remus’ drunken little plan (instead of the DJ more likely being a glitter fan) the record changed and it changed to, the main man himself, Bowie. With a quick strum of the guitar in the beginning giving way to a fast drum beat and a jaunty bass the whole dance floor began to dance more energetically along.

Remus groaned at the perfectness of it all as the short quick verse was quickly sung before old Ziggy demanded the whole room to ‘Move me! Touch me!’ This was perfect! So fucking perfect! He couldn't help grin as he pulled the girl closer so they could sway together.

‘John, I’m only dancing. She turns me on!’

Because, despite this being a ploy to make Sirius jealous, Remus was turned on by the girl in his arms. Gina was pressed right against him breasts flush against his chest as he gripped at the curve of her hips and splayed his fingers right at the bottom of her back. Although Remus had never really fancied her in the past being this up close and personal with her he notice how much she had grown up into a beautiful young woman. Funny how he had always thought of her as the pig tailed girl from first year who always had soil smeared on to her cheeks before now. 

'Never took you for a dancer,' Remus heard her smirk rather than saw it as she spoke into his ear, ‘what’s gotten into you?’

His eyes darted across the room where Sirius was still wrapped up in Angie. ‘Nothing,’ he lied and happened to catch sight of another one of his friends.

Peter was gawking at him as if the sight before him was the most the unfathomable thing he had ever seen. There he was at his gormless best no doubt trying to work out how the school poof could pull a girl faster than he could. Remus gave him a drunken grin in reply.

‘But I'm only dancing! She turns me on.’

-

They must look really good together, Sirius mused to himself as he continued to sway his hips in sync with the girl in his arms; people were watching them dance. He noticed that even some of the other people dancing around them kept flicking their eyes towards them. Perhaps some of them were jealous; they weren't exactly short of admirers after all. It felt good to have so many people feel envious of him. He was Sirius Black and he could pull pretty much whoever he liked. He felt sorry for anyone else who couldn't get who they wanted, whenever they wanted because it felt fucking fantastic. How did people like Wormtail get by with their day-to-day lives never feeling good enough to ask any girl they pleased? His face had been priceless when he had spotted him a couple of minutes ago; all slack jawed and just generally in awe of Sirius. Classic Peter to be honest. 

On that note Sirius’ eyes wandered over to the gormless git in question and was actually quite surprised to see that he was no longer looking at him. He still had that shocked look on his face but it seemed to be directed elsewhere; clearly it was a night of surprises for his little ratty friend. What the hell had him looking like that now? 

His eyes followed where Peter’s appeared to be glued to and sure enough there lay a surprise. It was Remus. It was Remus and it was a rare sight indeed. He was dancing with a girl and what's more he was dancing with a girl in a way that he was fairly certain the prefect had never danced before (even when he had that girlfriend). His hands were all over her for a start! In public!  
Calling the jealousy the raven haired boy felt in that moment a pang was a gross understatement. It hit him like a bolt of lightning instead.

‘Don't get me wrong. I'm only dancing!’

-

Call it werewolf instinct; call it just knowing his friend that well; fuck, call it magic but Remus could feel Sirius’ eyes on him. He didn't look up though. No chance. If Sirius could ignore him in favour of a pretty girl then Remus was going to give him a taste of his own medicine.

-

Sirius couldn't stop looking now that he had spotted him. How could he? There Remus was with his hands all over some girl (jealousy took its toll on Sirius and it took him longer that it should have to realise it was Gina Sykes that was the traitorous tramp) who was clinging to him. From here he could see the lustful expression on his face; eyes all hooded and staring presumably down onto her lips. What the fuck? He couldn't seriously be turned on right now? Sykes wasn't even remotely sexy enough to warrant a response like that. At least Sirius didn't think so.

-

There was something about being watched like this, Remus mused to himself as bent his head down and nuzzled into the Sykes’ neck, breathing in her now slightly sweaty and perfumed aroma. It made him feel powerful which in turn turned him on like nothing else ever had. The girl in his arms wanted him and the boy across the room wanted him so much more. Was this a small fraction of what Sirius felt like on a day-to-day basis? If so then no wonder he was as cocky as he was. The surge of confidence Remus felt was unreal and he almost couldn't help push himself up closer to Gina; something he would have never have normally done in front of so many people. The girl didn't seem to mind, judging by the way she pushed herself harder against him. But someone certainly did, and it was confirmed when Remus finally looked up and allowed himself to look at Sirius.

-

What the hell did Remus think he was doing? The way he was dancing with Sykes was obscene! He might as well be dry humping her in the middle of the room! Never mind that he himself was dancing in a similar matter with Angie but Remus… he was Remus for Christ sakes! He didn't do things like that! Was he even aware of how this looked to everyone? Did he even know that he looked like a right tart? Like a right chancer? Judging by the way his attention was inexplicably wrapped up in that one plain Jezebel, probably not.

But then, unexpectedly, he ripped his attention away from her and looked up right towards Sirius. His eyes were ablaze with pure unadulterated want and judging by the way his eyes directly found his the want wasn’t for the girl he was currently pawing at.

Oh.

-

Remus would have smirked on finding what he had known all along, that Sirius was watching him, had he not felt so heavy laden with lust. At times Sirius’ jealousy had driven him completely mental in the past but tonight it was the hottest thing he had ever seen. There it was, plain for everyone to see, but only Remus was deciphering it correctly. Sirius Black was envious that Remus Lupin was pulling a girl and it was because he wanted to be in that girls place. Experimentally, as he kept his eyes locked with the smouldering grey ones across the room, he lowered his mouth down onto the Sykes’ neck and began to nibble gently eliciting a moan from her that he knew his friend was trying to suppress from coming from his own mouth. This time Remus really did smirk, doing so against the flesh of throat he had only moments ago had his teeth on as he maintained eye contact with his friend.

-

So that was the game, was it? Sirius realised through a fog of lust. All of this was for his benefit. It couldn't have been any clearer now; Remus wanted to make him jealous. Well two could play that game…

-  
Ten minutes later with a heady mix of Fire whiskey and desire Remus continued to stare across the common room at Sirius. He was still with Angie except now they were stood near the fireplace both with drinks in hand talking to a few of the older Gryffindor girls. 

Once upon a time Sirius would have been in his element; the girls would all be hoping for his affections as he held them captive with his charm and wit but not tonight. Tonight Sirius wasn't even attempting to be the showman. If anything he was struggling to engage with his audience at all, Remus smugly observed. Instead Sirius' attention kept drifting across the room towards him; increasingly so in fact. What had started as a few stray glances were turning into prolonged, lingering looks. At one point Sirius was staring right at Remus for what seemed like an entire song; his glass raised to his mouth, his lips clinging to its edge and his eyes burning over the rim. Remus stayed in position as recipient of that hot gaze until he knew Sirius was ready; he'd reached boiling point. As cooly as he could Remus drained the remainder of his glass and headed for the stairs to the boy's dormitory...

-

'Colloportus.'

The words were said just as Remus had reached his own bed and he didn't have to turn around to know who had said them.

'How's Angie going to get in if you lock the door Sirius?' He asked without even turning around to face his friend; keen to keep a cool distance for the time being. Objective number one was already complete; he'd lured Sirius away from the arms of someone else. Now he wanted the other boy to do some of the work.

'She's not coming up,' he was told and a jolt of triumph threatened to ruin his whole casual demeanor.

'Oh?' 

'I don't want her to,' Sirius replied in the now low, husky tone Remus knew the dark haired boy's voice would take when he was getting hot under the collar.

'Why's that?' He now chanced a glance over his shoulder and was pleased to find his friend leaning heavily against the door with his head tilted back against. His stare just as searing as it had been downstairs.

'You know why,' Sirius called the bluff on his friend's casual ignorance.

'No. I don't actually. You've fancied her for ages. It looked like a sure thing downstairs.'

'Just like it did with you and Gina? Never seen you dance with a girl like that before Moony. You had your hands all over her.'

Good. Now jealousy was being thrown into the mix; something Remus knew from first hand experience that Sirius did not handle very well. He mustered up the most innocent expression he could manage, 'But Sirius, we were only dancing.'

The envious boy only grunted in response to the pun and continued to study Remus under a darkening gaze. Remus turned his back on him once more, 'You know what I want.'

'And what's that then?'

It was the hands that wrapped around his waist from behind that told him his friend had crossed the room to position himself flush against him.

'You,' Sirius growled in his ear before placing his lips on the other boy's neck.

Remus tried to keep his composure but was only mildly successful when his left hand instinctively, acting on its own accord, lifted up behind him and pushed its way into Sirius' hair.

'Me?' He fought to control the rest of his body.

'Uh huh,' Sirius replied against his skin.

'But Angie's got better tits than me.'

'Sod Angie's fucking tits! I want to sod you tonight.' And he kept planting wet kisses onto Remus' neck which admittedly were lulling him into a state that he'd let the other boy do whatever he wanted to him. He needed to stay focussed.

'Who said you're going to get to?' The werewolf teased as pulled away from the wandering mouth and turned in his friend's arms, 'Do you think just because your the Quidditch hero that you can just bend me over whenever you feel like it?'

'No I think the fact that you've been eye fucking me for the last hour tells me you want me to.' Sirius craned his head to one side to kiss along the werewolf's jaw.

'Ah but you see, the thing is, what I really want is to be the one bending you over.'

The kissing stopped and Sirius pulled away slightly, 'What?'

Remus gazed into his eyes before leaning in to whisper in his friends ears, 'Do you know what the thought of fucking the Quidditch superstar was doing to me tonight?'

The older boy tightened his grasp on his friend, 'I...'

'The thought of you begging me to fuck you...'

'Um...'

'Whats the matter Sirius? Does the idea scare you?' Remus rubbed his nose against the other boy's and allowed his words to ghost over Sirius' lips. 

'No...'

'Or are you scared you'll enjoy it too much?' He briefly looked into the dark eyes of his friend before trailing small kisses along the way to his neck.

Remus let his hands smooth over Sirius' denim clad arse before tracing his fingers up and down the seam that was positioned over the cleft of his buttocks. The sensation would be majorly desensitized by the thick material of his trousers but Remus still felt the other boy shudder in anticipation; letting out a shaky exhale of breath as he done so.

Remus pulled his head back to gage Sirius' face; his eyelids were heavy with desire and he was biting down on his lower lip, 'Because you will enjoy it. I absolutely promise you you'll fucking love it.'

Sirius breath hitched in response and Remus continued to stroke his fingers up and down and moved his mouth back to the young heir's ear.

'We could start off slowly until you're comfortable with having me inside you. It's a wonderful feeling Sirius. Strange at first, maybe even wrong but that's what's the best bit... Well almost. You feel so dirty but in a good way. It's intense too. You'll never come close to how it feels when you shoot off because someone's inside you.'

And now Sirius was sighing in pleasure at the thought of this and the werewolf grinned into his neck. Removing one of his hands from Sirius arse he moved it to the front of his jeans.

'You feel like you like the idea of that,' he announced to the almost wanton expression of his friend.

'I... I do,' Sirius' voice was breathy and desperate. Raw and honest.

Remus continued to stroke the front of his jeans and continued to study the dark haired boy's face. He could tell he was weighing up the proposition under the hungry expression he was wearing.

'Do it,' Sirius finally demanded; breaking out of his aroused trance and launching his lips on the werewolf's. The kiss was ferocious and searing with heat. The energy, which had been gradually building around them until it, had combusted into this explosion of passion.

'If it hurts...' Remus tried to place reassurances in between kisses but was silenced by his friend shushing him and telling him to, 'Just keep kissing.'

With tongues mingling with tongues; breathing coming out in heavier panting than ever before, the boys made their way to Sirius' bed. With a smugness Remus wasn't quite used to he peeled his friend of his Quidditch jersey (how many girls had imagined doing exactly that during the game earlier) and rid himself of his own shirt as Sirius scrambled out of his jeans quicker than Remus had ever witnessed. His eyes washed over the body before him. It didn't matter how many times he had been permitted to engage in this sort of activity with the other boy; he always felt in awe at the fact that his friend held this much attraction for him and he the same for him. Here he was, arguably the most attractive boy to have graced the halls of this school in generations (He'd overheard the staff comment on the fact several times) and he was lying sweating and gasping for him to touch him.

'You're so fucking gorgeous,' Remus said almost without meaning to; he was starting to feel almost as drunk on the buzzing sensation that was surrounding them as the fire whiskey had made him.

'I know,' the other boy grinned up at him cockily, 'Now hurry up and do something with that hard on I've given you.'

The younger boy grinned back but resisted the order given to him. Instead he dipped his head down and began kissing and biting his way all over Sirius' stomach; eliciting groans and growls by doing so. His stomach was scorching hot under his lips and Remus marveled as the muscles twitched in reaction. Lower and lower he travelled until he reached the waistband of the other boy's underwear and came face to face the evidence of his friend's arousal. He stared at the clothed protrusion for a moment before flicking his eyes upwards to meet his friend's needy gaze; Sirius was panting in anticipation. Curling his fingers around the waistband of his best friend's underwear, Remus placed a quick kiss on the fabric covered erection before pulling it free from the garment.

'You really like the idea of that, don't you?’ Remus addressed the hard flesh; his eyes going wide at it's almost pulsing nature, ‘I definitely do. I can't wait to put my dick in the man of the match.’

‘Moony just touch me,’ Sirius voice was hoarse with need and was squirming as if being teased was physically torturing him.

‘I can't wait to put the man of the match’s dick in my mouth either I suppose,’ the werewolf conceded and granted the boy who was lying with his legs hanging over the edge of the bed his wish.

Shifting along the carpet so he could get closer between his friend’s spread legs he finally leaned in and licked the underside of the cock that was bobbing in front of his face. The relief from the other boy was instant as he fell back completely into the mattress with a gasp of ‘ohfuckyes!’

‘Ohfuckyes indeed’ Remus smirked to himself, doing it once more before taking the entire length into his mouth. Sirius’ body began writhing immediately and the werewolf had to hold the boy's thighs firmly in place to avoid being knocked across the head.

‘Moony,’ the entranced young man groaned and from his position at the edge of the bed Remus could watch him stretch out and arch his back in pleasure, ‘Oh Gods!’

He pulled away abruptly and grabbed at his now disappointed friend’s hands. ‘Stand up,’ he ordered and at the sight of his almost pouting face peering down at him, ‘I’m just going to make it feel even better.’

From his kneeling position, Remus filled his mouth again but this time done so with his own two fingers. He re-enacted what he had only moments ago been doing to pleasure the now standing boy by plunging his two digits back and forth into his mouth; never losing eye contact as he did so. Sirius was a sorry sight to behold ; almost whimpering in frustration and threading his own fingers through the werewolf’s hair in frustration. 

‘Please Moons, keep… just keep going,’ he begged hoarsely and when Remus was satisfied his fingers were coated enough he dived his mouth back on top of the cock that was practically being shoved in his face. Bobbing a few strokes, and eliciting a few guttural moans, Remus then nudged the moaning boy's legs apart and looped his hand around to his backside to begin massaging in between his cheeks. 

Sirius’ knees buckled a little at that but he steadied himself by grabbing onto the kneeling boy's shoulder. Who knew just rubbing there could make a blow job feel even more fantastic? They should have been doing this a long, long time ago! Why hadn't they done this a long, long time ago? Well there was the fact that the thought of doing it absolutely terrified him but holy shitting hell had he known…

He knew now though. As Remus massaged him there and continued to suck him off Sirius’ whole body thrummed, with a particular hot sensation burning from his backside. A brilliant sensation. An addictive sensation. Afterwards he would need to remember to fall to his knees in worship of his friend to announce him the King of Blowjobs because Sirius was certain nobody else on the planet had ever received one as good as this. It was magic. Pure magic and it only got better when Remus finally dared to drive a finger inside him.

Sirius’ grip of his shoulder tightened then and Remus couldn't help but grin around the dick he had his mouth around. God Sirius was in for a surprise when he added another finger. 

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck,’ the boy was now panting with his head thrown up in pleasure towards the ceiling. As Remus looked up he could see the other boy’s eyes fluttering closed so decided to prod a bit deeper to see what he did then. Firstly he screwed his eyes closed firmly shut and then let out a groan so low Remus was certain he had had no control over it. When he added another finger the hand in his hair tightened and he could eventually feel Sirius trying to decide whether or he should be pushing forward into the mouth on his cock or backwards onto the fingers in his arse. Quite the dilemma, the werewolf mused to himself.

‘This is so much better than that time I tried to do it to myself,’ the over stimulated boy rasped as he continued to cling to Remus to keep himself upright. 

He what…? 

Remus instantly pulled his mouth free, ‘You what?’ He asked with his fingers still buried deep inside his friend.

‘It’s better than…’ Sirius looked dizzy at the loss of contact and could barely form a sentence.

‘You tried yourself? You… Fingered yourself?’ The werewolf asked in awe. The mere thought of his beautiful dark haired friend driving his own fingers into himself was almost enough to make Remus explode in his pants untouched.

‘I practiced,’ the gravel voiced boy merely offered in explanation.

Remus felt his skin prickle in deep, deep arousal. Sirius with his legs spread, his own fingers fucking him with abandon. He felt dizzy at the thought and needed to rest his forehead against the boy’s thighs to help steady himself; his body, his breathing, his dick.

‘Moons…?’

The overwhelmed boy groaned against the leg he was using as support. ‘I need to fuck you. I need to do it right now,’ he said desperately, his fingers still buried inside Sirius.

The standing of the two let out a nervous puff of air as he looked down into the lust filled amber eyes of his friend. He began affectionately stroking at the hair of the head that was still placed right in front of his crotch and nodded his consent.

‘Yeah,’ his voice was thick, ‘Do it. I'm ready. Do it.’

Remus immediately responded by pulling his fingers from their nestled position and rose himself to his full height so he could give Sirius a thorough snogging. 

'I'll be gentle,' he promised into his mouth, ‘I’ll stop if it hurts. All you need to do is say.’

‘I know,’ Sirius kissed back and began to unbuckle the belt from his partner’s jeans, ‘Just make it good yeah?’

And at the return of Sirius’ usual bravado, and the removal of the rest of his own clothes, Remus spun him so his front was pressed flushed behind Sirius. 

'Kneel down so you can bend over the mattress,’ Remus instructed him as he trailed kisses just under Sirius’ ear. The Animagus followed the command and was followed to the ground by the werewolf. Remus bent to place a kiss on the small on the other boys back when an idea struck him. Keeping his head bent to Sirius’ back he trailed kissed down, down and down until he reached the cleft of his bum. What he was about to do was unfamiliar territory for both of them but he couldn't deny he hadn't thought about it before. He’d loved having Sirius’ dick in his mouth for the first time all those weeks ago so why not this? And apparently it was meant to be amazing (okay that one magazine he’d managed to get in muggle London at Easter had at least said so) so why not treat Sirius to two amazing new experiences?

Decision made he swiped his tongue up the cleft of Sirius’ arse. He was greeted with the most embarrassing whine he’d ever heard from the other boy and couldn't help but laugh.

‘Good?’ 

‘Uh huh. Jesus you’re a dirty Moony tonight,’ Sirius laughed back and happiness bubbled up inside the werewolf at the sound of it. Being naked and laughing with his best friend had to be the best thing he’d discovered in among all this sex stuff with Sirius. 

'Just you wait,' he promised him cockily and dove back down, this time pulling Sirius’ arse cheeks apart and really going for it. The noises were even more undignified that time.

He went on that way for a while but then decided it was time to be getting on with the main act so replaced his tongue with his fingers. He’d coated his friend’s entrance fairly adequately for his fingers to enter but knew he’d need a little help if he wanted anything bigger going up there so cast a quick ‘accio’ on a jar of lube that had seen fair use over the last couple of months. It came flying from Sirius’ bedside table and he managed to catch it despite using his left hand.

 

After a bit of fumbling, a bit of coating of lubrication and a few attempts at positioning themselves correcting Remus was finally inside him and both boys groaned simultaneously at the sensation. 

For Remus the feeling of tightness was beyond bliss. He’d only experienced it once before when he had been with Lana but now being with Sirius… it was… gah… just… it was literally breath taking. It was… so… God… so tight and… ah… so amazing. He couldn't believe that… uh… Sirius had allowed him to do this. There he was stretched out in front of him; arse in the air… and God Remus’ dick was in it. Actually in it. 

Remus’ eyes wandered from said arse and travelled along the smooth plain of the dark haired boys back; muscles stretching and contorting as he responded to the werewolf’s slow thrusting. His hands were gripping onto the sheets of the bed and his head was bowed as he gasped and panted for air. 

‘Y’alright?’ Remus slurred; asking because he himself thought he was going to pass out with the sheer pleasure of it all so it was only right to check up on him.

‘Uh huh,’ the other boy panted before he stretched and groaned, ‘Go… go fast… faster…’

Remus could only oblige and began to pick up the pace.

Jesus fucking Christ... Holy mother of Merlin… Bloody fucking hell…! Sirius had never felt anything like it before in his life. Never. Ever. Remus was… He never thought having Remus… He didn't in his wildest dreams think this was how this would feel. Even that time he’d given it a go with his own fingers was nothing on this… Oh god!

He felt so full. So, so full. Full of Remus’ dick. Full, full, full. God it was amazing. 

‘Faster,’ he demanded. If Remus could just go a bit quicker he could feel this feeling over and over; more and more; forever and ever. He began thrusting backwards himself so that he could meet Remus’ own; impaling himself with a force that was making him feel dizzy with pleasure. In and out, in and out. The sound of skin on skin sounding like a drum beat accompanying the groans and the panting and the grunts. 

White heat somewhere south of his belly glowed. His muscles burned and his skin felt like it was on fire. His lungs gasped and gasped for air. It felt like he was being burned alive but he had no desire to survive it. He just let himself lie there and take it… take it… take it…

‘Fu… u… u… uck. So… ooo… goo… oood,’ he ground out with every grind Remus made into his hot, hot body. 

His arms gave way then and he found himself with his face being buried into the duvet of the bed. He didn't mind at first; too lazy and enjoying everything that was happening south of his waist too much to care but then found that actually, he wouldn't mind being able to breathe a bit better. He certainly wouldn't mind gasping for air with an another mouth on his so he managed to lift himself up a fraction on shaking arms as his friend continued to pound into him.

‘Stop!’ He called hoarsely but Remus was groaning so loudly that he wasn't even surprised that he hadn't heard him. ‘Stop!’ He cried out louder and all of sudden all movement was ground to a halt.

Remus’ heart jumped into his throat the second he heard the command from his friend. What was going on? Was Sirius upset? He hadn't been paying attention? Shit, he really hadn't been paying attention. Everything had been so good until that point. So, so good but now…?

His friend offered no explanation for his halt in the proceedings and the werewolf watched in dismay as the dark haired, sweat slicked boy moved away from him by climbing into the centre of the bed they’d been leaning over. His whole body shook at the lost of contact and his brain couldn't comprehend the sight of the naked boy crawling away from him.

Shit. He must have done something bad… 

Had he hurt Sirius? Was he upset?

He watched as the Animagus boy turned around on the bed to face him. He didn't look upset. If anything he looked frustrated as hell…

‘C’mere,’ he said lethargically yet lunged forward to pull him up on the bed with him and then finally to lie on top of him, ‘This way. Wanna kiss.’

And with a smile full of relief, amusement, lust and possibly something else the Welsh boy obliged and began to obscenely plunge his tongue down into the other boy's mouth. Legs were wrapped around waists and they continued where they left from. With a hand wrapping around Sirius’ dick and, with another dick, pounding faster and faster into his arse they both finally and gloriously came. Sirius first, much to Remus’ delight because it meant he could watch the flushed, sweaty, panting boy practically have a seizure of bliss underneath him. Once he’d regained a bit of consciousness back Sirius then grabbed at the werewolf’s arse urging him to reach completion faster and faster and faster... until bam! It was all over and he was pulling carefully out.

Sirius lay there in silence and for a long drawn out moment and Remus was worried that he was upset about what had happened. He knew there was a small chance that he’d freak out afterwards. Remus had, in a very quiet way of course, after his first time being, well, penetrated by another boy. He watched with baited breath as the dark haired boy tried to work his mouth to finally speak. 

‘Fucking hell,’ he finally sighed and a stunned look spread over his features, ‘I… that… God…’ And continued to flounder for the words to describe what had just happened.

Remus finally understood and a huge shit eating grin spread across his face. Sirius was flabbergasted.

‘Did I just shag you speechless?’ The werewolf crowed in delight and the boy in question covered his face with his own arm to hide his gormless expression. That was certainly one for the history books. Sirius Black, smart arse of the century, totally lost for words!

‘I… yeah…’ Grey eyes peeked from under the arm shyly, ‘I think you did.’

Remus laughed some more; enjoying this moment of glory. No one would ever believe him!

It earned him a playful shove in revenge which then turned into a half hearted play fight. A challenging gleam then shone in his friend’s eyes as he allowed Remus to lightly pin him down.

'Bet you couldn't do it twice in a row.’

Now Remus was at a loss for words, ‘You mean… you want…’

But it was very clear what Sirius wanted as he flipped the werewolf over on the mattress and climbed on top of him to straddled his legs.

‘Oh,’ was all Remus could offer dumbly in response. He better get started then…


	16. Everything is Going to be Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...right?

Chapter 16

A couple of hours later and Sirius jolted awake. 

Where was he? The room was still dark… his head was bloody agony. The muscles in his arms ached a bit too and his arse….

Oh.

Yeah.

He looked over his shoulder on to the sleeping form of his friend. Remus was lying on his stomach with one arm tucked under his head; his mouth gaping a little; and looking altogether a lot more innocent than he had last night…

Last night.

Last night…

Last night was… Last night he… Yeah… Last night…

Shit!

Last night he had let Remus shag him… up the arse. He had let someone fuck him… up the... arse. He’d… they’d… yeah…

The creeping sensation of panic began to crawl over his skin, starting from his chest and began crawling simultaneously to his heart and stomach. He’d actually had some other boy’s dick… up there… and he’d loved it more than anyone, even himself, could have ever imagined. What's more he wanted to do it again.

Shit. Well there went the whole theory he had going about him just enjoying getting his end away. Any hole’s a goal some might have reasoned on his behalf. But this? This was an entirely different way of having sex, wasn't it? Couldn't do that with a girl. Couldn't suck a girl off either now that he thought about it yet that hadn't seemed quite as damning as having your arse fucked by another boy. A brilliant other boy but another boy all the same. 

Letting someone do that to you was the kind of thing those other kind of boys enjoyed. You know, those limp wrist-ed, effeminate, pathetic boys who were a complete joke to anyone else with a working set of male genitalia. The ones that were the weirdos; the ones who were picked on because they weren't like the other boys. Didn't like sport. Couldn't hold themselves in a fight. Were a complete disappointment to their families…

He wasn't like that, well besides from the family bit. He was brave. He loved Quidditch. He was popular; some would even say charming. He could look after himself both with his wand and with his fists. He wasn't someone who was a pathetic pillow biter. Then again, neither was Remus…

He looked back again to the sleeping form of his friend. What could be said about Remus?

Sirius lay back down on the bed and faced the boy in question. Remus was… well he was smart for one thing, that was the obvious thing about Remus. He was shy, yes, but in his own just shy in his Remus-y reserved kind of way. He was incredibly kind and tolerant of people but wasn't a pushover. He was funny, sometimes wickedly so which was why he fit in so brilliantly with the other boys in his dorm. He was talented too. Not that Sirius had ever admitted to him but he sometimes marvelled at how powerful his magic was considering he was a half blood. Not that Sirius was being a blood purist here or anything but the boy just radiated magical power in a way that Sirius could sense strongly off him, often stronger than he could sense off James and Peter who were both pure bloods. He was brave too. Not only did he endure the physical pain of his transformations with incredible bravery but he also faced the social ostracism he’d been experiencing for the past few months due to being outed with remarkable resilience. Sirius doubted he would be the same…

He continued to look at the sleeping werewolf. He really studied his face taking note that there was nothing feminine about this boy. He was a boy through and through, nearly a man actually, so Sirius couldn't kid himself into believing there was some kind of androgynous quality to Remus that attracted Sirius to him. If anything he was the more ‘feminine’ looking of the two with his snow pale, delicate looking skin, high cheek bones and pouty, rose stained lips. Thank god for his strong jaw line. Remus was tall with long boy limbs and with a flat boy chest. His hair was scruffy, his scars were dangerous and his… well he was definitely all male in all the right places. 

And Sirius wanted to kiss him. This boy here who was now drooling a little onto the duvet he was clinging to in his sleep. He wanted to kiss him, taste him, touch him, have his hands on his own body. The thought of doing all these things with this boy often made him feel dizzy. At first it had been a terrifying dizziness but he was aware that the dizziness felt something more akin to giddiness when he thought about it. He looked forward to it. It made something inside him thrum with anticipation and he didn't just feel this down his pants. 

He wanted Remus more than anyone he’d ever met and he knew in that moment that what they had together didn't have to be this scary thing anymore. It could be just their's. It wasn't anyone else's business after all. Nobody needed to know how much he wanted Remus and only Remus. Only he needed to know that, nobody else.

Everything was going to be okay.

*

‘Where y’going?’ A slurred voice made Sirius jump out of his skin. He had lain in bed for the last forty minutes since wakening up and realised the reason he couldn't get back to sleep may have been because his mouth and throat were dryer than the Sahara. 

He scanned the dark common room to find the disheveled head of James Potter peaking over the back of one of the sofas. He looked thoroughly crumpled as if he had just woken up.

‘Just down to the kitchens. Need a drink,’ he replied quietly, aware that other people were strewn around the room, including Peter, fast asleep.

'Conjure it,' the messy haired boy suggested sleepily, ‘don't havta go through ol’ bloody castle.’

Sirius had thought of that but in truth felt like he needed a little walk to help clear his mind a little too and possibly work of some of the soreness from… yeah.

‘It doesn't taste the same,’ he offered in a way of explanation, ‘doesn't quench your thirst.’

‘True,’ James nodded in agreement in a way that got Sirius wondering if he was still drunk or just immensely tired, ‘Done with all the shagging then?’

Sirius’ heart jumped into his throat, ‘Wh… what?’

‘Podmore? Are you done? Only the sofa isn't all that comfortable…’

‘Er… yeah… all done…’

‘Fantastic,’ the disheveled boy groaned as he clamoured to his feet, ‘So how was it? Did she make you her bitch?’

Sirius flushed deeply at the implication of the words and at the thought of what had actually happened last night. He’d certainly been someone’s ‘bitch’ last night but it wasn't Angie Podmore’s. 

'I... er… nothing actually happened,’ he said in a panic and was instantly glad that he had; he didn't think he had the brain capacity to commit to a decent lie right now.

James stopped and fixed him with a disbelieving stare for a moment before erupting into laughter, ‘Oh Gods I knew she’d be too much woman for you! I just knew it! What the hell happened?’

‘We… we just kissed, that's all.’

‘Are you saying I got locked out from my own bed so the two of you could have a snog? Poor show sir, poor show!’

‘I just… I just didn't feel up to it…’

‘Christ the way you two were going at it on the dance floor I thought you’d be hammering at her all night! Bloody hell! Oh and speaking of which did you see Mr Moonshine! He was all over Gina Sykes at one point! Thought they were going to attempt making puppies right there on the floor at one point! I was so shocked I couldn’t keep my eyes off them’

‘Pervert!’ Sirius shot at him in good spirit but felt a little uneasy at the thought of Remus doing that with someone else. 

‘Seriously though! I never knew he had it in him! Well I guess that's proof he got a heterosexual part of him somewhere! I don't even know where he ended up! Could be shagging her senseless somewhere for all we know.’

‘He’s in the dormitory,’ Sirius shot out, quickly realising that James would come across him as soon as he walked through the door, ‘I let him in when Podmore left. Think I was still drunk at the time.’

‘Oh well, I'll interrogate him in the morning,’ James sighed before adding, ‘what a strange night, eh? Remus acts like the Gryffinwhore we all didn't know existed and you turn down Angie bleeding Podmore. There must be something funny in the water mate, something right peculiar.’

‘Yeah,’ Sirius forced out a laugh and tried to quell the thought of just how peculiar the night had actually got at one point. Nobody else had a clue and that was all that mattered. Everything was going to be okay. 

*

Sirius Black probably had the best skin Remus had ever seen or touched. He knew that was an incredibly sappy, girly thing to be thinking of right at that moment as they lay in bed together but it was true all the same. In the time that he had been allowed to explore every inch of the other boy’s flesh he was certain he had never came across a blemish. Sure there had been plenty of bruises, scratches and hairy patches in all the usual places, Sirius was a teenage boy after all, but he seemed to have bypassed all of the ugly side effects of puberty like any other mere mortal and it completely baffled the werewolf. He had at times tried to make a study, from a distance of course, of the other members of Sirius’ family who were in attendance at the school to see if it was inherent in the famous Black genes and sure enough they all had porcelain skin just like their cousin and brother but there was something different about them. While their complexions were perfect enough for any other hormonal teenager to make sacrificial slaughters for there was something markedly different about them and it wasn't until now that he realised what it was. There was a purity about Sirius; an innocence and goodness about Sirius that almost shone from him. With skin as white as snow and a heart just as pure, Sirius was definitely the fairest of all the Blacks. He giggled a little into the shoulder of his friend at the thought of comparing him to a fairytale princess.

‘What’s so funny?’ The boy of his thoughts asked in a raspy, sleepy voice.

‘Nothing,’ he smiled into the perfect skin of the shoulder once again and placed a small chaste kiss on it.

‘You are a strange child. Has anyone ever told you that wolf boy?’ 

‘All the time but I have it on good authority from two chronic mischief makers that being strange is far superior to being just ordinary.’

‘By God it's finally sunk in,’ Sirius continued to rasp as he turned in the bed and snuggled closer to the body beside him with his eyes being closed all the while, ‘James will be pleased. Now we just have Peter to work on.’

With this new position Sirius buried his face into the crook of the other boy’s neck which allowed Remus to begin playing with the hair at the nape of his neck as he looked down on to that peaceful face.

He was so lucky. So, so lucky to have a boy like this one lying in his arms just like this. Recently he’d been wondering if it was kind of inevitable that he’d end up with feelings for Sirius. He was just so damn beautiful that it was difficult imagining not finding him attractive. 

He was definitely so, so lucky. 

And the past few weeks had been nothing short of amazing too, ever since the night of the Quidditch party when they had… yeah. Remus had been terrified when he had woken up the next day fully expecting to be given the cold shoulder from his friend just like he had back at Peter’s birthday and then his own. Yet Sirius hadn't shied away from him this time. Granted he hadn't been in his bed in the morning and to any unsuspecting person nothing had happened between them but when all four of them had decided to make their way down to breakfast that morning he had made Remus hang back for a few moments until the other two boys were well out the way and had snogged him senseless.

‘Last night was fantastic,’ he had said hungrily into his mouth and fixed him with a look that was so hungry that Remus had almost declared that they didn't need breakfast after all and that they had another appetite that needed sated much more urgently than the need for food. They had needed up going down the stairs though and at the breakfast table the usual banter had flowed between them as it always did every morning.

Since then Remus had felt something shift. There was definitely a new weight to their relationship; an unspoken change that made it feel all the more serious without it losing any of it's fun. The first indication had been when Sirius had come to meet him outside the classroom where Remus had been serving detention for throwing up in Potions (Slughorn had been convinced he had done so in order to fake his way out of doing a test regardless of Remus trying to explain that the smell of the fumes created when African sea salt was mixed with vinegar was the real culprit but the man had always hated him so no explanation was going to deter him). There he was standing with his back leaning against the adjacent wall from the classroom looking bored until he looked up to see Remus exiting the room.

‘What have you done?’ Was the first thing he had thought to ask when seeing the boy waiting outside Slughorn’s room. Sirius was known in certain circles for pilfering potions ingredients from old Slug Butt and it was only a matter of time before he was caught.

‘Nothing,’ he had shrugged nonchalantly at Remus’ wary expression, ‘Just thought you might need someone to walk you back to the dorm, s’all.’

‘I do know my way back,’ he had replied feeling rather skeptical about the proposition.

‘Well maybe I just wanted to see you,’ the usually confident boy then replied rather bashfully. Remus could remember his stomach doing back flips at the sound of that. Even then he knew it was sappy but the knowledge that Sirius had come all the way down to the dungeons just to escort him back to the Gryffindor tower so that they could spend time together compensated for him feeling like swooning girl. The walk itself had been particularly strange in a surreal kind of way. They walked, regretfully not holding hands, and exchanged bashful little smiles as they chatted about nothing in particular; almost as if they hadn't known each other for the past six years. It almost felt like a first date. Almost. 

Speaking of which…

The following weekend had found all of the boys, and the whole school, in Hogsmeade. Originally all four Marauders had been drinking Butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks that afternoon but James had disappeared with Frank Longbottom and Lionel Chardwitch to go to Dervish and Banges to see if it was really true that they had some Quidditch player’s broom in to be fixed or something that Remus was definitely not interested in. Peter had departed even before James had with the promise of a date with Tadia who had decided after weeks of ignoring him she was once again interested in Peter in some kind of romantic way. Remus really couldn't keep up with that either. 

So there they were, just the two of them sitting in the lounge of the Three Broomsticks and it was wonderful. They chatted; they flirted; Sirius bought him drinks and refused whenever Remus tried to take a turn for paying. For an afternoon it almost felt as if they were a real couple on a real date and it made Remus feel whozzy in a fluttery heart sort of way every time he thought about it. Sirius’ attention had been solely on him for hours as if he was the most important person in the room and for a couple of hours Remus truly felt as though he were.

Afterwards they had walked back up the castle together which could have only been improved if they'd actually held hands. Instead Sirius kept very close to him and purposely brushed the back of hand against Remus’, or against his thigh or once even grazed his arse. He did eventually grab hold of his hand as they passed the greenhouses on the school grounds to lead Remus off the path to castle and towards the back of greenhouse two, which was the least frequented spot for the young lovers of Hogwarts due to the thorn bushes that grew there. For twenty minutes they had snogged with abandon until Sirius’ stomach had given an almighty rumble and the thought of doing anything else was replaced by the need of getting some food.

They’d made up for it later mind. More than enough. 

And here they were now lying lazily in one another’s arms one, maybe two hours, after they’d finished shagging each other senseless. 

‘Better get up before those two great pillocks get back,’ Sirius declared as he rose from Remus’ arms and stretched his own above his head, ‘don't want to give old Wormy a heart attack.’

‘Or something to wank over later,’ the werewolf smirked as he watched the muscles in his friend’s back twitch and roll as he stretched.

‘Oh you absolutely foul beast!’ The dark haired boy cried in horror before twisting himself around to look down at his bed partner with a stricken expression, ‘why on earth would you put that image in my head? The idea of Wormy… eurgh… whacking off… It's something that I just don't want to think about. I think it's enough to make me never get a stiffy again!’

‘Well you could always imagine me doing it instead,’ Remus suggested with a rueful grin, ‘Or even better, you could watch me?’

The dark haired boy’s face perked up with the prospect of that proposal and so launched himself on top of the boy who had made the proposition. Remus grinned triumphantly as the boy on top of him began to bury his nose in the crook of his neck ‘Jesus Moony I love it when you say shit like that to me!’ And next he was lifting himself up a little and threading his fingers through the auburn, scruffy hair of the werewolf and staring down into his eyes, ‘Who on earth taught you to be so cocky? I demand he be punished for corrupting your once innocent and modest nature!’

‘Well let his punishment be this!’ Remus giggled as he placed his own hands on the back of Sirius’ head and pulled him down for a kiss. 

‘Oh I don't think he’s been punished enough!’ Sirius declared once they broke apart and then took it upon himself to bestow smacking kisses on to the lips below his, ‘Not nearly enough but alas, we are running out of time and the punishment will just need to be adjourned for another time!’

In one fluid movement Sirius was on his feet and had swept up his school shirt from the floor and Remus felt a plunging sense of loss as he watched him. They were always on borrowed time; always running out of it. Too often had their clinches been stolen by the looming presence of their friends; be it James coming back from self imposed flying practice or Peter arriving back from gobstones; occasionally from one or both of the boy’s returning from detention or a bout of Lily stalking. Remus knew he shouldn't resent the presence of his other friends in the way that he sometimes did, especially when he had such good friends in James and Peter, but the way they cut short any glorious time he had alone with Sirius could be very, very frustrating… in more ways than one. 

He watched as Sirius buttoned up his shirt and thought about how it would feel if he was watching Sirius do this same act simply because they were finished with one another’s company rather than panicking that they may caught out by two of their best friends in the world. How would it feel to live without that fear hanging over them? Being with Sirius was already fantastic but how would being with him openly feel? If there was no hiding or no time restraints? Bloody fantastic Remus reckoned and something inside him yearned for it.

‘Aren’t you getting dressed?’ Sirius asked as flitted his eyes between the boy still lying naked on the bed and the tie he was trying to knot around his neck, ‘They’ll be back soon and we’ve got a date with the shack soon too.’

Remus continued to watch him without replying, ‘Hello Moony! Earth to Moony! Can you hear me?’ The half dressed boy waved his arms in the air.

‘I was just thinking,’ the werewolf began as if never hearing the other boy speak, absentmindedly picking at the lint on the over washed sheets as done so, ‘How nice it would be if we didn't need to rush and sneak around like this… how much easier life would be.’

‘Well I dare say life would be a lot more… satisfying if we weren’t always up against the clock,’ Sirius conceded as he scooped up his black school trousers and Remus felt encouraged to keep going.

‘Exactly!’ He agreed enthusiastically and sat up a little more one the bed, ‘how good would it be if we could snog when we want or shag whenever we want in our own bloody dormitory… It’d be amazing!’

He had been grinning at the idea when the words had left his mouth but his smile sunk spectacularly when he took in the way Sirius had paused when putting his trousers on and how his whole body tensed up.

‘What are you getting at?’ The rigid boy asked in a controlled manner as he paid his full attention to gathering up one leg of the trousers in his hands and Remus felt a little reluctance creep over him.

‘I just mean…’ He timidly started and then gave himself a mental kick. No. If it was ever going to happen he’d need to bring up the idea in the first place! ‘I just mean life would be so much easier if Peter and James knew about us… we wouldn't need to do this… rush around and…be all sneaky and stuff…’

He stopped talking when he noticed that Sirius had completely frozen to the spot and was staring down on to the floor; his breathing seemed a little angry too and his entire demeanour had become even more tense…

All at once he began moving quickly again and started to plunge a foot through the leg of his trousers, ‘Not happening,’ he refused brusquely and failed to even spare Remus a glance.

‘But…’

‘Not happening!’ He ground out again as he this time stuffed his shirt into his trousers.

‘Oh come on Pads! I'm not asking for us to shag on the breakfast table to let the whole school know just that we could let Pete and James know! They’re our best friends!’

‘I don't want them to know!’ Sirius was frantically looking around the floor for something and finally picked up a less than white sock.

‘Why not? They won't care! They didn't care about me!’

‘I'm not like you though, am I?’ The frantic boy now almost spat and for the first time made eye contact with Remus. He looked wild with fear and Remus could see the undertones of disgust in his eyes. Remus felt anger instantly well up inside and wash out the feeling of happiness that had been lapping around in his chest for the past two weeks.

‘And what am I?’ His usually warm Welsh accent sounded icy even to his ears, ‘Eh? What am I that's so different from you? Go on! Tell me!’

‘Not this again!’ Sirius sighed wearily.

‘Go on!’ Remus continued regardless, ‘what am I? Don't tell me… Let's see... I'm gay and you’re not! That's the difference between you and me is it?’

At some point during this mini tirade Remus had swung his legs over the bed and was now lifting himself to his feet, ‘well, is it?’ He stood to his full height and stepped towards the other boy.

‘Yes, you know it is,’ Sirius said in a much more calmer manner than before. Remus could tell it was fake. 

‘Funny that cause we’re a lot more similar than you like to let on!’

‘Oh don't tell me!’ The fully clothed boy scoffed as he crossed his arms over his chest, ‘this is the part where you remind me how much I love sucking your cock or having it in my arse.’

‘Bloody true though! No matter what way you try to sarcastically dress it up!’

‘Speaking of which shouldn't you get be getting dressed or do you want the other two to see you bollock naked? Oh that's right! There’s nothing than you want more in the world than to have our two best friends watch us shagging so what's a little nudity!’ Sirius cried out facetiously.

'Don't be ridiculous! All I'm asking is for a little honesty with them so that things can be easier with us!’

‘Things are easy with us, Moony,’ and now Sirius tone had turned dry and cold, ‘there’s nothing difficult about us slipping into one another's beds. We don't need to make it any more complicated by making announcements.’

And that's when Remus knew, that no matter how far it would appear he was getting with Sirius it was always going to be an illusion; the other boy would always claw his way back to the safety of denial. That no matter how happy the kisses could be between them; how warm the teasing could be; how fantastic the shagging was it was always going to be tinged by the fact that not only was Sirius ashamed of himself but ashamed of Remus also. How could Remus hope for a happy future from that? How could he live knowing that he was someone’s dirty, shameful secret when in truth he would have been willing to shout it from the rooftops about how he felt for Sirius. He’d rather walk away with all of his self respect now than walk away with it shredded to pieces latter. It was with this in mind that he began to speak very calmly.

‘Okay, you’re right,’ he finally replied, ‘Pete and James don't need to know a thing.’

And the amount of times the pair had fought over the issue must have taught Sirius something because Remus could see his eyes steel over as he folded his arms again over his chest in defence, ‘And is that because they’ll be nothing for them to know because you’re through with me because I've got to say Moony, you’ve never been able to carry out that threat before; not for long at least.’

And for all that had been true, that they'd always crawled back to one another in some way or another eventually, the way Sirius was practically taunting him about his lack of resolve made him feel sick with anger.

‘It’ll be different this time,’ he ground out trying to keep his calm but he could feel his jaw twitching in anger.

‘No it won't!’ Sirius scoffed, ‘I give it a week at least before you come crawling back. Admit it, you need me.’

‘No I don't.’

‘Yes you do. I know that you crave me. I have been at the end of those looks in history class, like you’re itching to touch me. I can feel it in the way that you practically rip my clothes off and instantly drop to your knees; the way that you fuck me. You’re addicted to me Lupin and this whole dumping routine is wearing a little thin.’

Remus could have done a number of things right then. He could have screamed at the other boy for the cocky tone of voice he was using; for the cruel words. He could have easily punched that smug, arrogant expression off his face. He could have just as easily have agreed with him and kissed him into the wall Sirius was standing in front of. Instead he choose to do something different; he took a step backwards and simply said, ‘if you say so.’

‘I do say so!’ The cock sure boy crowed, ‘You need me! You need me for a hell of a lot more than a fuck! Like for tonight for instance!’

Remus had to stop himself from flinching at the mention of the help Sirius gave him on full moons. It was undeniable how much Sirius and the other boys had helped over the past year and half but they never spoke of it in this manner. None of them had tried to hold it against him like Sirius was trying to; none of them had been so mocking about it. Once again Remus was finding his patience tested by his provocative best friend and he had to work not to let it show. If Sirius thought he had such a strong hold over Remus then he’d just need to prove him wrong. So instead of arguing back he simply bent down to pick up his clothes and once he had them all gathered turned to Sirius and with the most casual tone he could muster simply replied…

‘We’ll see,’ and walked calmly into the bathroom without even waiting for the other boy to respond.

 

*

‘Come on Moony don't be so ridiculous!’ Sirius called for the werewolf to see reason as he ran behind him down the corridor, ‘You need me to be with you tonight! It's bad enough James isn’t going to be there and Wormtail is going to be close to fucking useless without anyone else.’

When James had arrived back at the dormitory to announce he'd received a detention for being overheard calling Snivellous a ‘fucking greasy haired muppet,’ it had acted as the natural time to announce that Sirius also wouldn't be attending the shack that night either. The look on the smug bastard’s face had almost been worth what was likely going to be a painful night. The other boy’s had tried to get him to see reason but after ten minutes Remus had declared he was leaving for the hospital wing early that night and that he’d see them all in the morning.

‘And that's why I asked him not to bother tonight,’ Remus replied stonily as he continued to walk without sparing the other boy so much as a glance.

‘But if I was there…’ 

‘Which you won't be.’

‘But if I were….’

‘But you won't!’ Remus replied even more firmly and came to a stop so he could turn to face the pleading boy, ‘I don't need you there, got it? I don't want you there!’

Sirius blinked at him in surprise for a moment before continuing, ‘Listen, I understand you’re sore with me…’ Remus interrupted him with a snort of derision but he chose to plough on as they began to defend down a staircase, ‘I understand I hurt you earlier when… well… you know….’

‘I know what?’ The angry boy rounded on him again, ‘Why am I upset?’

‘Well…’ The dark haired boy shuffled closer to him, hopeful in using a well practiced technique in getting his own way, ‘because you wanted to tell the others… about us… and I don't feel the same way.’

The werewolf shook his head in disbelief and made to keep on walking but Sirius was quick to grab his arm to stop him, ‘No, come on! Wait Moony!’

‘No you wait!’ Remus snapped back at him, ‘That is not the only reason why I'm angry at you Sirius but God knows I'm tired of hearing that same old bullshit time and time again.’

‘It's not bullshit!’

‘Yes it is! Because if there is one thing I am certain of more than anything else in this world is that you do feel the same way in some regard. You feel the same way for me as I do for you when we kiss, when we fuck, when we’re together. The way I feel about you, the way I look forward to seeing you, the way you occupy my every waking thought is the same way as you feel and think about me. That nobody else can quite measure up? Well you feel that too!’

Sirius tried to work his mouth and his brain in order to reply but nothing seemed to be happening and all he could manage was an inane, ‘I… but…’

'And yes I would like to admit to Pete and James that we feel these things for one another but you can't even admit to me that you feel them! Or to yourself and it's just pathetic!’

‘I'm not pathetic!’ The bottom of Sirius’ stomach felt hollow saying this because in reality he knew this was more than true.

‘We’ve been through this time and time again and this past week or so I actually thought you were getting somewhere! Sure I thought the whole ‘gay’ thing was probably not completely straight in your head but I thought you’d at least be able to concede that we have something between us that goes a little beyond fucking around!’

‘I…’

‘That you actually care about me in some way other than being just mates…’

‘I do…’

‘Do you know that when I think about you my heart actually aches?’ Remus fixed him with a levelling stare, ‘and do you know how it feels to hear you make out to me, to lie to me, that the same doesn't happen to you?’

'I...'

‘It makes me feel worthless,’ and for the first time during the conversation Sirius could hear a strain in the other boy’s voice and a look of sheer pain flashed in his eyes, ‘like I'm nothing!’

‘Moony…’ Sirius tried to appease the upset boy by moving closer to him still but was once again interrupted by him.

‘Why would I want to be with anyone that makes me feel like that?’ He asked, his composure steeled once again, ‘Why would I want to be friends with anyone who makes me feel like that?’

‘You don't mean that,’ Sirius refused as he placed a placating hand on the other boy’s cheek, ‘You know I don't mean to make you feel like that.’

‘You don't mean to do anything do you? You didn't mean to kiss me that time at Peter’s birthday, didn't mean to fall into bed with me, didn't mean to get jealous of me and Lana, didn't mean to flaunt ever girl in the school in front of me or to out me in front of the entire school. Do you actually mean to do anything Sirius? Do you actually take responsibility for anything you do?’

He didn't know what to say. 

‘You can trust me that I mean this,’ the Animagus spoke softly as he placed his lips on Remus’, ‘you can trust that Moony.’

'You see, I don't think I can because when I kiss you I don't just do it because it feels good. I do it because of the way I feel for you and apparently you don't feel anything for me. So you kissing me means nothing, not a thing.’

‘Yes it does!’ Sirius hissed desperately and placed his lips back on top of Remus’, ‘See. I do care. I do care.’

‘No,’ Remus shook his head with Sirius’ lips still very close to his own, ‘you don't. You only care about yourself.’

And with that he was pushing past the desperate boy and continued to walk down the stairs leaving Sirius in his wake, ‘don't show up tonight Padfoot. I swear to God I don't know how safe it’ll be if you do.’

Sirius stood dumb for a moment before considering whether or not he should chase after his angry friend but knew the overwhelmingly sensible answer to that would be not to. He couldn't make Remus late for Madame Pomfrey and he certainly couldn't follow the boy into the infirmary declaring he should be allowed to go to the shack with him. He might as well burst in and declare himself either suicidal or an illegal Animagus; two things he knew wouldn't go down well. He also knew just showing up the shack uninvited was a bad idea. During the last full moon of fifth year Prongs had shown up an hour late and Moony hadn't reacted well. Padfoot had to spend the entire night protecting the newcomer so he knew he’d have no chance with nobody else there to do the same for him. He was fucked. Truly fucked and on this realisation he felt his anger bubble up and spew from his mouth. 

‘Fuck!’ He screamed in frustration and turned to kick at the banister of the stairway, ‘Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!’ He cried out more and continued to assault the polished wood in front of him. He only stopped when his hands became painful and he was aware that a teacher was likely to hear him and whisk him away to detention. So there he stood, panting for breath and seething with anger when something caught his eye. A tiny little movement from above him. He looked up to see what it was and dread instantly flooded him. There was Severus Snape and he looked very pleased with himself.


	17. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the aftermath...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not particularly happy with this. Gah. In fact I hate it but this part is a necessary evil in my so called plot so here we go. So you're now aware that I'm aware that this is crap! Ha ha!

CHAPTER 17 - Hurt

Remus woke up from the transformation that morning knowing instantly something wasn't right. Usually when he began to transform back into his human form he would have snatches of memory as his body shifted from his wolf brain to the more conscious abilities of his human one. Today, however, he woke up fully transformed into his human body and every inch of it was in pain. Extreme pain. A pain he’d never experienced before which for him was saying something.

Every single fibre of him was in agony and he was aware for about thirty seconds that he could barely move before he drifted back out of consciousness.

The next thing he knew, as he blearily opened his eyes, was that James and Peter were running around him frantically while Sirius hovered on the outskirts.

‘Get fucking over here!’ James voice screamed in a rage and it wasn't until Sirius moved closer that Remus could piece that it had been him that James had been shouting at. He wasn't sure if it was because he was in immense pain but he could swear he had never heard James speak to Sirius in that manner.

He tried to look at the boy in question but his vision kept blurring in and out. For a second he thought he could see tears streaming down the usually composed boy’s face but that couldn't be right… Why would Sirius be crying when he hadn't cried when seeing Remus at his worst after a transformation before?

Unless...?

‘This is your fucking fault!’ Was the last thing he heard James roar just before he lost consciousness yet again.

When he woke next he was aware he was lying on some kind of stretcher. The way the clouds in the sky moved above him told him he was being moved; as did the way his body seemed to bounce up and down as he remained motionless on his back.

‘You better hope Pomfrey can sort this!’ And again it was the angry voice of James. Remus tilted his head towards where the voice had come from and through his blurred vision saw that the boy himself was standing, or more accurately, running above him. The face happened to look down then and they made eye contact. There were tears in those eyes, he noticed, but he didn't have time to pay this any more mind as he slipped back into unconsciousness. 

*

‘You bastard!’ The angry voice of James Potter came thundering into the room and when Lily turned towards the door, much like everyone else in the room, she was shocked to see how angry the boy appeared. His usual calm, if some what dim witted, appearance had been taken over by an expression of fury and a body language so tense that Lily could see he was poised for a fight. She watched as he strode quickly across the room and headed towards the boy she had been watching only moments ago. The room fell silent on seeing this uncommon display of aggression being directed towards his best friend. The love between these two boys was legendary, often mocked, but now… what on earth was going on?

‘Why the fuck did you do it? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT TO MOONY? OUR MOONY!’ Lily took in the way that Sirius recoiled in the armchair as James got closer and closer. She’d never seen the usually brazen boy look so scared. It was just bizarre. And Moony? Wasn't that the stupid name they had given Remus? What had Sirius apparently done to Remus to warrant this apocalyptic anger from Potter? 

‘I didn't mean to!’ The exhausted looking boy tried to appease against the anger being fired at him.

‘HE FUCKING TRUSTED YOU!’ And now Potter was leaning over the boy in the chair and was grabbing Black by the scruff of his dirty shirt. Lily jumped to her feet; her prefect instincts kicking in immediately.

‘I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT!’ He screamed in his face.

‘James!’ Another voice joined in with the shouting and a panicked, panting Peter entered the room and inevitably the frey, ‘Fuck sake! James! Stop!’ And the stout boy made a valiant attempt to pull the enraged boy away.

‘HE DESERVES ALL HE GETS!’

‘And he’s already in enough trouble! Don't get yourself slung into detention with him! Come on man! Moony needs us!’ 

And whatever ‘Moony’ apparently needed the boys for was clearly important enough to make Potter back off and let Peter lead him away.

‘I can't believe we ever trusted him Pete,’ the dishevelled boy seethed as he began to walk away, Peter at his side acting as a crutch as they walked. Lily watched the two boys walk for a moment in utter confusion before her eyes flitted back to the boy who had come under attack. He was getting to his feet and was a sorry sight to behold. Despite her confusion over what was going on Lily began to feel sorry for him. Well, until he stupidly decided to open his mouth to speak.

‘You can trust me Prongs. You know you can.’

Well that had gone and done it. All of Peter’s damage control came undone and before Lily knew it Potter was charging towards him again and this time it wasn't just angry words he let reign on the other boy but angry fists too. It was the punch that connected with Black’s mouth which caused her to jump into action. She didn't have a clue what this was about but there was no way she was going to let James Potter beat the crap out of someone in the middle of the common room, even if she had thought about doing the same to Sirius Black a few times herself. 

‘Potter!’ The redhead admonished him and tried her best to grab at his swinging arms but he was too fast and too strong for her to get a proper hold of him. ‘Get off him!’ She continued to demand as she dodged the enraged boy’s elbows as he continued to lay into his best friend and from the corner of her vision she could see Pettigrew trying to do the same at his other side. He was like a man possessed. She had witnessed the boy fighting plenty of times over the years, Potter was certainly no stranger to scraping in the hallways, neither was Black for that matter, but she had never, ever thought she’d see the day that one of these boys would use their fists on the other. ‘Stop it! Stop hitting him!’ She tried to appeal to him again and in between the flying fists she could just about make out Black who was lashing out his own arms in self defence. 

‘I’ll kill you! I'll never trust you again!’ The enraged boy screamed, ‘Never!’

‘Prongs quit it!’ The voice of Pettigrew could be heard from somewhere amongst the scuffle.

‘I didn't mean to!’ And that was Black, underneath it all.

‘Stop this before I get McGonagall! Stop it now!’ And Lily continued to try gain purchase of one of the boy’s swinging arms but failed.

‘He deserves it! The little shit!’

‘I know I do! But I didn't mean it!’

‘This isn't doing any good Prongs! You’re only getting yourself into trouble! Dumbledore won't want you in his office again!’

‘Which is exactly where you’ll be going if you don't stop now!’ Lily changed tact by trying to negotiate a truce.

‘I don't fucking care!’

‘But Moony will!’ Pettigrew tried to reason desperately. 

'I swear I didn't mean to!’

‘This is crazy!’ The red head cried out and triumphantly she managed to get a hold of the arm which seemed to be doing most of the damage. Unfortunately though, she didn't appear to be strong enough to restrain him properly and so was effectively just holding on to him as he continued to hit the boy.

‘Potter just stop!’ She called out again and now Pettigrew was coming to her side to help her. What appeared to be help turned out to be hinderance, however, because for some reason, whether or not it was just through instinct against being restrained, Pettigrew’s help caused the violent young man to jerk his elbow backwards which made rather forceful contact with Lily Evan’s mouth.

Her scream ripped through the air before she even had time to process she was doing it and its effect was immediate. All movement seized except for the movement of her own hands flying up to cover her injured mouth. She had to close her eyes to try help stave off the pain but it was no use and when she opened them again she found three pairs of very frightened ones on her and Potter looked like he was sick with horror at the sight of her.

‘Evans…’ He began shakily, ‘Lily… I’m… I didn't mean… I’m so sorry… I’m really, really sorry… I… I…’

She attempted to admonish him but her mouth was too painful to speak so settled with a death glare, or as best she could manage, instead. Her eyes then flitted down to the other injured party in the group who was definitely worse for ware than she was but was looking at her as if she was the sole victim of Potter’s violent tirade. Bizarrely he even tried to stick up for the other boy.

‘He didn't mean to Evans. He wouldn't… He’d never hit a girl… It was an accident!’

‘He shouldn't have been fighting in the first place!’ She managed to mumble just coherent enough for them to understand.

‘Please!’ Her assailant begged her and looked utterly desperate, ‘let me fix you up. I’m so fucking sorry. I am such a fucking idiot!’ 

'You've done enough damage,’ she mumbled around what she was certain was a rapidly swollen lip, ‘I'm going downstairs and Black’s coming with me.’

*

Searing pain. That's what he felt as he woke up. For a moment he was confused because he hadn't felt this kind of post transformation pain in a long time, not since the boy's had began joining him, but then he remembered he had gone it alone last night and he hadn't exactly been in the best mood either. Well that certainly explained a lot. It certainly explained why Peter was standing at the foot of his bed looking pale with worry.

‘Pete,’ he croaked in acknowledgement and tried to sit up in bed but couldn't quite manage it. Peter somehow managed to look even paler though.

‘Remus!’ The boy gasped, ‘don't try to move. You’ve hurt yourself pretty bad.’

‘S’okay,’ the werewolf slurred, ‘I managed going through transformations for nearly ten years before you guys started to help. It looks worse than it is. You don't need to look so worried.’

'Remus...' The other boy began to speak but faltered. He took a few breaths and tried to start again and it was in that moment that Remus felt dread creeping over him. ‘It’s not that. Listen, something happened last night… something… something that wasn't your fault…’

Dread morphed into fear, especially when the other boy was interrupted by the hospital curtain being drawn back to reveal a battered and bruised Sirius. Remus felt his world tilt on its axis at the sight of him. Surely… surely he hadn't…

‘Please Pete… Let me explain it to him!’ This horrifying version of Sirius pleaded with the other boy.

‘Explain what?’ Remus pushed himself up from the bed; the feeling of hysteria numbing most of his pain.

'It was an accident!' 

‘What was?!’

‘I think you should get out of here,’ Peter’s voice was oddly calm in comparison to the panicked tones of the other two boys but held an undertone of anger which puzzled Remus enough for him to understand that something was completely amiss here.

‘It was an accident, I swear!’ 

‘What was?’ And a new dread poured down his spine. He’d never seen Sirius in this sort of panicked state before; not this frantic, petrified panic.

‘I said leave,’ And the way that Peter was squaring his shoulders was definitely something he'd never witnessed before either; especially when he was doing it towards Sirius, ‘Don't make me dole out the same as Prongs cause there’s nobody else here who can pull me off you.’

What on earth was going on? Had he slipped into some kind of parallel universe? It seemed as if he had because with one last baleful glare from Peter and one last anguished look from Sirius the worse for wear looking boy hesitantly left the curtained off area and it left Remus feeling petrified.

‘What's going on?’ He asked shakily and the look of pale panic was back on the features of his friend.

‘Moony…’ The pallid boy began but hesitated again.

‘Peter just tell me,’ Remus managed to make his voice sound firm enough for the command even though he was practically shaking with fear now and with one last hesitant inhale of breath, Peter began to explain and as he did Remus’ world began to fall apart.

*

It was two days until Remus could leave the hospital wing, not that he particularly wanted to because leaving the hospital wing meant leaving the sanctuary Madam Pomfrey had created for him by banning his friends from visiting again. It wasn't that he was angry at Peter and James, in fact he was immensely grateful for everything the pair had done for during this sorry mess, but he needed space from them. He needed space to brood, space to seethe and space to mourn the fact that he had just been betrayed by someone he had… he had… No. There was no use. It… no. That didn't matter anymore because, apparently, it had never ever mattered to Sirius. Ever. To the point where he had been willing to allow Remus realise his worse nightmare. To the point where he’d be willing to see him killed because of it…

He felt sick every time he thought about that aspect of this cesspool of a mess; which was about every thirty seconds since he had found out from Peter.

So he’d been granted two days of torturous solitude and now he was heading back to Gryffindor Tower to face the music; or more accurately to ignore it all. His plan of action was to try and get through all the inevitable drama with as much dignity as possible; to just get on with his life and to make sure that Sirius Black never, ever had another part in it again.

The Gryffindor common room was mercifully quiet and it took Remus a quick look at the time on the fireplace mantle clock to realise why this was. It was twenty minutes shy of being lunch time and everyone else was in class. He himself should have been in Arithmancy, as should Sirius be and the realisation of this fact made Remus relax a little. At least he wouldn't have to face the cold hearted traitor just yet, or anyone else. It was on this thought that Remus opened the door of his dormitory and caught sight of Sirius sitting perched on his bed and all thoughts of keeping his dignity was washed from his mind and the enormity of the betrayal fully smacked him across face. Funny, he didn't think he was capable feeling much more heartache…

‘You’re back!’ The dark haired boy sounded relieved when he should be feeling anything but.

Remus could feel his muscles vibrate as he stood facing the other boy. He fought against the feeling of anger; the feeling of hurt; and ultimately the feeling of betrayal. Of all the unpleasant things to have happened in his life; from being bitten because of a feud his father had been foolish enough to start in the first place; from various members of his family abandoning his parents when they needed their help the most; the taunting he had faced in the last few months from classmates he had once considered friends; this was definitely battling out for the top spot. For Sirius to do this to him... He never would have thought he'd see the day... This level of betrayal...

'Moony,' a strangled plea from his so called friend echoed in the empty dorm as he stood to his feet.

Remus blinked away unshed tears and with a clearer vision was somewhat satisfied to see Sirius had the decency to be crying too but he felt little sympathy for the other boy; just utter, undiluted contempt.

'Don't call me that!' he replied coldly, 'You don't get to call me that anymore. You don't get to speak to me anymore!'

He moved towards his bed but was apprehended by the distraught Sirius.

'Please...' he pleaded as his hand curled around the werewolves' arm. Remus looked at it for a moment before looking up at Sirius' tormented face with a sneer, 'Get your fucking hand off me.'

'No please Remus! You need to listen to me!'

'I don't owe you a single thing Black!' he seethed, yanking his arm away.

'I'm sorry!' the other boy groveled, 'I'm really fucking sorry. I'm such an idiot! I didn't mean... I'm just sorry, okay?'

'What for?' he spun around on his heels, 'For not doing the job properly? Oh what a shame James stopped it all from happening! What a shame he saved Snape and saved me from execution!'

'I didn't think...'

'Oh I think you did! I think you knew exactly what would happen if the wolf had got him. It would have solved a nice little problem for you, wouldn't it?' 

'Remus I never wanted that...'

'Don't lie to me! If anything you owe me that!' he raged before the enormity of it all overcame him and began to get a little hysterical, 'Do I repulse you that much? So much so that you'd...'

'No...'

'Yes! Jesus Black! You're so ashamed of what the two of us do, what we have done, that you'd rather have me done away with than face up to anything that's going on in that warped little brain of yours!'

'I'm not...I'm not...'

'You're not what? Ashamed? You seemed pretty ashamed the other night before you let your little plan unfold! I remember the whole sodding conversation!'

'Okay so maybe I'm a little uncomfortable...'

'Understatement of the fucking year!'

'But I would never...'

'I think evidence points to the contrary!'

'It was Snape! He was there, he had been there when we were arguing. He confronted me after you left and said he was going to tell the whole school...'

'So you just thought you'd do away with the pair of us! Two birds, one stone!'

'No!'

'Stop fucking lying to me! You might be comfortable doing it to yourself but don’t insult me with any more bullshit!' Remus raged. 

'Im not trying to insult you...'

‘No you just tried to kill me instead!’ The furious boy cut in and rendered the apologetic boy speechless. 

'I remember all those times you and the others used to look out for me when I was younger,’ Remus continued on sadly, ‘You would have done anything back then to protect me! It used to overwhelm me that I had friend's who'd be like that with me. Then I realised I'd do the same for you lot. I'd protect you to the end of the earth, any one of you. I still would... But this... I can't overlook this...'

'Remus...'

'I can't overlook the fact that you'd go to such lengths... I can't even look at you now without wanting to be sick! Because the truth is that while I might disgust you Black, enough for you to do that, you disappoint me! More than anything or anyone has ever disappointed me. And the really funny thing about this whole sodding mess was that I was stupid enough to put myself in the position to be disappointed! I stupidly, stupidly, stupidly thought that...' Remus lost a bit of his steam as he struggled with his words, 'I thought I had feelings for you.'

'Please...'

'But all I feel now is pity for you and pity for anyone else foolish enough to fall for that twisted heart of yours and that's another reason why I'm disappointed in you! All these years you've fought against being like the rest them, the rest of your family, but it turns out the rotten apple really didn't fall far from the tree! Did it? You'll go to any lengths to justify the means!'

'Im not like them!' Sirius tried to protest feebly.

'You might give a good show Black, but that's all it is! A complete farce but a show all the same!'

'I know you don't mean that Moony. I know you don't think that.'

'Well up until yesterday morning I never thought you'd betray me like that so it seems we're both mistaken about a fair few things!'

And to that Sirius had no reply. He just stood dumbly staring back with his face wet and his body trembling from shaky breaths. Remus stared back, steeling himself to rebuff any further apologies. It was then that he realised he was no longer crying. His temper had dried his tears away but it now caused his body to tremble, much like his friend's was.

'Is everything alright?'

Both boys turned to find their other dorm mates standing warily by the door, apparently entering only moments ago. He noted James' look of concern and the fact that it was pointed directly towards the sniffling Sirius.

'There's not much to put right,' Remus replied devoid of any emotion, 'Just that we both know where we stand now.'

'Which is where?' James asked with a distinct note of trepidation.

'That we're no longer in the position to give much care about one another's secrets... Or one another at all for that manner.'

None of the boys replied to that. Sirius continued to look at him numbly; James' look of concern deepened significantly; while Peter took the whole scene in with a look of pure confusion.

It was then that Remus took his cue to leave. He had nothing more to say anyway.


	18. No Friends, New Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius both make some unexpected new friends.

Chapter 18 – No Friends, New Friends

Sirius stared out of the window of the empty classroom and gave a world weary sigh. Considering it was the end of May it didn't half look and feel like winter. He supposed that was Scotland for you.

He’d began coming to this unused classroom a few days after the incident with Remus. He had been using the common room initially but the curious stares he continued to receive from every Gryffindor who had heard about, let alone witnessed, the battering he got from James was far too distracting, not to mention humiliating and the whispered speculation of what the hell it was all about didn't help his paranoia much either. So on day four of being the biggest bastard that ever lived he had wandered off to the empty third floor corridor and staked a claim on this room. The room wasn't anything special really; it was just that it was the first door which was unlocked. He’d had to uncover a table from a dust sheet and pick a chair from a precarious pile from the back of the room but apart from that the room seemed fine enough. He’d even discovered one day, when it was particularly warm, that directly outside the large bay window a pair of gargoyles were perched and were fairly knowledgable on the subject genealogy, which was apparently what this room had once been used for when the topic had been stringently studied decades ago. 

‘I could tell you who you’re great, great, great, great grandmother was and what her maiden was if you’re a pure blood,’ one had announced proudly when discussing the subject. Sirius had told him not to bother and then had explained Blacks were expected to recite their genealogy going back to Merlin by the age of ten.

‘A Black, aye?’ The other Gargoyle replied in his Scottish brogue, ‘That equates to royalty in wizarding society, does it no?’

‘Does this mean we’ve got a prince in our presence?’ The other turned to him.

‘Hardly,’ the Black heir replied morosely, ‘I'm no better than anyone else.’

And it was true, more than true. A prince would never have behaved in the way he had. A prince would have been valiant and noble and he was just… pond scum. He was the lowest of the low. 

*

Remus shifted from foot to foot as he stood waiting in front of Professor McGonagall’s desk as the lady herself had instructed him to so. He had been invited into this office on many an occasion either to discuss his prefect duties or because he had been rounded up with his friends due to whatever mischief they had been caught indulging in. Today, unfortunately, the reason for his visit to his head of house’s office was less about enforcing rules and more about breaking them. Not ten minutes ago he had been caught hitting another student with his now well practiced lasso hex and now he was to face his punishment.

‘Take a seat Mr Lupin,’ the voice of the professor announced her entry into her office. It was more of a stern command rather than a friendly invitation. 

He watched as the witch circled the table and lowered herself into her own chair; a reproachful expression on her face as she done so.

‘You can understand that I am more than a little disappointed that I have a prefect sitting in front of me. I shouldn't have to have to remind you of the school rules Mr Lupin but it seems several years of prefecture has done nothing to abate the wilder influence of those friends of yours.’

‘That's not what it was about,’ he mumbled in response. It could have been so easy to blame his fighting on his friends but at the end of the day Remus wasn't some sap who was influenced by everything the other boys did. He wasn't the perfect prefect everyone liked to make him out be. Sometimes he snapped under pressure and one of those times happened to be this afternoon.

‘Then prey tell, what was it about?’

The werewolf fidgeted silently in his seat. Normally he considered honesty to be the best policy when it concerned Professor McGonagall but he wasn't entirely sure he could bring himself to tell her that he had become the school target for being the school poof. It was humiliating enough without going to the teachers as if he needed some kind of protection. He could handle it himself despite it becoming more frequent since most of the school had clocked on that there was some kind of rift going on amongst the Marauders. Clearly some boys (with the occasional Slytherin girl) had decided it was now open season on him now that it was apparent he had less protection from his friends. While James still could be counted on to scream a threat or throw a hex at anyone who made derogatory remark about his preferences he was still finding himself in daily confrontations with other students but he wasn't going to tell his professor that.

McGonagall fixed him with her patented hard stare while she waited patiently for an answer and when it was apparent she would get none, she cleared her throat and announced, ‘I know that you have been going through some difficulties recently of a personal nature and I can assure you that I do not condone the actions of some of your fellow students,’ Remus’ eyes widened in shock at the news of her knowledge before a deep anger set in.

‘So you've been aware of the bullying I've had to put up with?’

‘Indeed,’ the woman nodded curtly with no hint of remorse.

‘And what…?’ Remus questioned in exasperation, ‘It's one rule for the school poof but an entirely different rule for everyone who has been taking shots at me? Where’s their detentions?’

‘Mr Lupin, I will ask that you remember that you are speaking with your head of house and that you should check your tone before speaking to me in such a manner. I do not condone bullying of any sort, nor do I condone fighting in the halls but I do make exceptions…’

Remus flinched at the implication. Never in a million years did he think he'd face this kind of prejudice from Minerva McGonagall. This woman had been nothing short of supportive of the idea of allowing a werewolf the right to an education. It seemed she wasn't so open minded about people with different sexual preferences…

‘What I'm suggesting is, the next time you are harassed by your bigoted classmates, make sure there is not a professor or member of staff present before you teach them a lesson.’

And now his jaw dropped to the floor. ‘Professor?’

‘I’m not so old that I don't remember my own time at school. Teenagers can be cruel little creatures, regardless of what house they belong to. Showing any form of weakness can make you a walking target for your fellow classmates. For some reason your preferences have been singled out as a weakness, despite the fact that some of the most powerful wizards and witches in history have shared them. Foolish of your classmates really. You’re one of the most gifted in the school at defence; it's rather like poking a stick at a lion. Anyway, I know, as well as you do that your reputation is not going to be restored by the protection of the staff; if anything it'll make everything worse and so that's why it is important that you’re able to stick up for yourself.’

‘Fight back?’

‘I prefer the word defence in these situations. They're less likely to poke if they see the lion lash back.’

‘More like they like to see what happens when they provoke the school weirdo.’

And again he was fixed with that assessing stare of hers. 

‘I would not class yourself as weird, Mr Lupin. There is nothing strange about you. You are not an abomination of nature. Plenty of homosexuals have been known before you, as have werewolves. I’d perhaps class you as different.’

‘Surely that's just semantics Professor?’

‘Sometimes being different, being an outsider, being constantly put upon by others is what makes us stronger in the end Mr Lupin,’ his professor theorised in a manner that was eerily like professor Dumbledore.

‘Don't you think I'm already different enough?’

‘There's no shame in that. It takes unordinary men to do unordinary things. I have no doubt in my mind that a talented werewolf like yourself was never destined for an ordinary life, no matter how much you crave it.’

‘No, I'm more likely for a life of destitute and ostracism.’

Something softened in the witch’s eyes at that before sharpening back into her customary stare, ‘and deep self loathing by the sounds of it. How can you expect anyone else to take some pride in you if you can't do it yourself. You've plenty to be proud of so I don't want to hear another word.’

‘But…’

‘But nothing! There are troubling times ahead Mr Lupin. Times of darkness, doubt and fear for us all I'll wager. Showing your weakness now will only prove fatal in the years to come after you've left school. I fear the boys who mistreat you now may still be the ones firing hexes or worse at you if this war intensifies….’

‘Professor!’ Remus gasped at shock at the blatant insinuation.

‘I'm already saying what you’re clever enough to have already worked out. We teach tolerance at this school and the treatment you have received from some of your fellow students show that this message falls on deaf ears of some certain types. So keep up your defence practice, don't make any unnecessary enemies during your time here but more importantly keep defending yourself like you were today.’

‘So does that mean I don't have detentions after all?’ The werewolf asked with hope.

‘Certainly not,’ his head of house admonished him, ‘I recommend that you keep your defence up. I do not, however, recommend that you do so in he presence of someone who has to dole out detention when they witness such behaviour. I have business to attend to this evening so unfortunately for you Mr Filch will be residing over your detention tonight,’ Remus deflated at hearing the news, ‘Please be at his office no later than seven o’clock.’ 

 

*

Despite his little chat with McGonagall, Remus was still a little pissed off at the fact that he had landed himself in detention. His professor had been correct in doling out the punishment despite her understanding of why he had attacked another student. She had also been correct when she had admonished him for being stupid enough to get caught. Years of mischief had taught him to always check the coast was clear before acting in a way that was against the school rules and yet he had lashed out practically without thinking. Rookie mistake. 

So here he was in the boys toilets closest to Filch’s office; down on his hands and knees with a scrubbing brush. It was humiliating. At least he wasn't alone in his punishment. Some other poor soul, Oscar Thawley to be more precise, had also been persecuted by the groundsman’s very own brand of torture and he too was scrubbing furiously at the stone floor. 

‘Say aren't you that queer Gryffindor?’

Remus tensed at the question; months of abuse from other lads in school making it a knee jerk response to any reference to his sexuality. In a fit of anger he threw his scrubbing brush on to the floor and got up abruptly to his feet. 

‘And what if I am?’ He snarled down at the other boy, learning long ago that it was times like these that being a little bit werewolf came in handy. The bewildered look on Thawley’s face told him it was effective.

‘Hey,’ the dark haired boy held his hands up in a placating gesture, ‘No judgement here.’

Remus fixed him with a hard glare and when he was certain the boy was being genuine and wasn't likely to jump on him the second his back was turned he stooped back down to pick up his scrubbing brush and got back on his hands and knees. He’d only been scrubbing for for about ten seconds when Thawley spoke again.

‘For me to judge you for something like that would be pretty stupid… and a bit hypocritical,’ Remus instantly stopped scrubbing and he heard a soft chuckle come from behind him, ‘Not as stupid as coming out to the entire school though. What were you thinking?’

When Remus stood and turned this time he done so slowly and cautiously; surely he was being wound up? On turning around he found Thawley looking at him with an amused expression.

‘What are you saying?’ 

The blue eyed boy rolled his eyes and shook his head, ‘I thought you were supposed to be the smart one out of your group of mates?’

The werewolf simply narrowed his eyes and tried to work out whether or not the other boy was lying, ‘Aren't you going out with Hestia?’ Remus was certain he was. They’d been an item since the first day of school; since that first sorting feast it seemed.

The other boy let out an incredulous laugh and once again shook his head. ‘Nope.’

Remus was confused by the short answer so stayed silent to wait for Thawley to elaborate.

‘She’s my best mate. Everyone just assumes we go out,’ he finally explained.

‘And does she?’ Remus asked with suspicion; he’d seen the way the pair acted and they definitely acted like a couple. Thawley had the decency to look a little affronted.

‘She does now,’ he admitted as he looked towards Remus with a sheepish expression, ‘it was kind of a different story back in third year when she kept trying to kiss me. But she’s over that and she’s still my best friend.’

‘And she knows the truth?’

‘Aside from me and Olivia, and now you, she’s the only one in the castle who has the foggiest. Like I said, I'm not exactly stupid enough to blurt it out in front of the entire school.’

‘It was only Gryffindor,’ Remus corrected him with a frown and then kind of saw the funny side when he realised this wasn't exactly a small group of people, ‘every single person in my house,’ he corrected himself now, ‘and it wasn't as if I'd planned to.’

'Well I'm glad you did. It's a lot easier for me to flirt with you if I know I'm not going to be punched in the face for being a poof.’

There was a million and one things Remus could have replied to that. He could have told Thawley that he could still punch him in the face regardless. He could have told him not to be so presumptuous. He could have told him that he was simply not interested, especially since he was still feeling raw over the betrayal of Sirius. Yet truth be told he didn't want to say any of those things. There was something quite alluring about the other boy’s cockiness so all Remus did in reply was chuckle at him softly. Thawley grinned along too and Remus had to admit the other boy was very handsome when he smiled. Something fluttered in his stomach in response to that thought which felt kind of alien yet familiar to him. The only other boy he'd ever really experienced that feeling towards had been Sirius and to feel it while talking to Thawley was just… strange; pleasant but strange. 

*

It was nearly midnight when Lily finally got to climb through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor common room and every muscle in her body was glad that the moment had come. She'd been caught up in catching a group of Hufflepuff third years wandering around the castle after curfew just before her prefects duty had come to an end and so had to spend the last hour or so sitting in Professor Beery’s office while he chastised and punished the group. So there she was, knackered and more than ready for her bed, when she walked into the common room to find a body lying across the sofa which faced towards the fireplace. She contemplated tiptoeing past, desperately wanting the comfort of her own bed, but this hadn't been the first time she had spotted Sirius Black using the sofa as a makeshift bed and there was also the fact that his eyes were open and so clearly wasn't asleep. 

Those eyes flicked towards her as she came closer to the sofa and she awaited the usual obnoxious greeting the Black heir usually shot in her direction whenever they crossed paths; they always bordered between flirtation and disdain. Not for the first time, in the last few weeks at least, was she surprised to find that the boy couldn't even bring himself to utter a word to her. Instead his gaze slid towards the empty fireplace with a misery so palpable that the redhead felt compelled to stop at the arm of the sofa to make sure he was alright. God she must have been getting soft in her old age.

‘I don't know what's going on between you and the other lot but they can't kick you out of the dorm. I can have a word with McGonagall if want, or I could go up there myself?’

With his eyes never leaving their spot on the fireplace the unusually somber boy drawled out, ‘S’fine. M’okay.’

Well no, he clearly wasn't, judging by the one man pity party that was going on. Boys!

'They can't do this to you! You do know that?’ She replied with force, ‘I know getting a teacher or prefect involved goes against some kind of stupid boy code but this has been going on for long enough now…’

‘They didn't do this,’ the miserable boy said, speaking more clearly but still in a lacklustre drone, ‘I don't want to go up… It's my decision.’

‘I could talk to Potter or Remus…’

And finally his eyes found hers as he repeated, ‘it's my decision.’

They kept eye contact for a moment until the grey eyes slid away once more. Lily frowned at the boy as she tried to work out what to do for the best. She knew this all had something to do with whatever had happened that afternoon when James Potter had attacked the exiled boy in the common room, and apart from the fact that they had been screaming about him doing something unthinkable to Remus, she hadn't a clue what it could have been. Well… she had her suspicion of something, something she'd been suspecting for a while now, but she couldn't really narrow it down to what exactly Black had potentially done to the other boy.

When Remus had been outed all those months ago Lily hadn't exactly been one hundred percent shocked at the news. Well, she had, but more because she was shocked that her intuition about the boy’s interests had been confirmed. She'd noticed the way Remus had acted around another boy long ago; this boy lying there right in front of her. Her suspicions hadn't just ended at Remus either. She’d seen the way Sirius Black flirted with his milder mannered friend, she’d witnessed the jealousy that radiated off him when Remus was dating Lana; she'd also walked in on him lying on top of the other boy months ago…

She was almost certain whatever Sirius had done had something to do with an attraction between the two boys, she just didn't know in what capacity. Had he broken the other boys heart? Used him? Cruelly led him on? The boy was known for his ego and that would have certainly accounted for why Potter was angry with him. She knew that the friendship between the four boys was practically sacred and that Potter, despite being the biggest lout to walk the halls of Hogwarts, was fiercely protective of Remus. But then again, something about that didn't quite fit right…?

‘I don't need a babysitter you know,’ the lonely looking boy intoned and was once again deigning told look at her; but she could tell the condescending act was just that and actually, he probably did.

‘Yeah but it looks like you need a friend,’ she sighed and resolved herself to the fact that she felt sorry enough for the boy to abandon the thoughts of going to bed and so sat down on the arm of the chair instead.

‘I don't deserve friends,’ he argued back pitifully and the sympathy Lily had been feeling for the boy increased tenfold. He looked like a wounded puppy.

She sat there for at least another hour waiting for the miserable young man to fall asleep. She didn't know why, but something compelled her to protect him. She and Sirius Black had never been friends; she could scarcely stand the boys company for more than ten seconds and he was the kind of arrogant, entitled young man she had grown to loath over the last few years but something about the whole situation screamed that in his time of need, Sirius Black needed someone to protect him and that someone was her. Her conscious was tugging at her, pulling her in his direction and she couldn't ignore that feeling. 

So the next morning Lily found herself willingly walking over to him in the Great Hall and took her place for breakfast right next to him.

*

It was probably strange to look forward to detention as much as Remus had been. Not that he was looking forward to scrubbing whatever Filch had deemed fit enough for punishment but the prospect of spending time with a good looking guy who shared his preferences more than made up for that. Not that he was presuming that anything was going to happen between himself and Oscar but there was something refreshing about finally meeting another gay lad who wasn't petrified of who he really was. It was refreshing.

'So boys and girls, huh? How very Bowie of you.'

Remus rolled his eyes in a good natured sort of way, ‘It's not exactly a fashion choice, if that's what you mean. It was pretty damn confusing working that one out.’

‘I see your point, I guess,’ the dark haired boy conceded, ‘I never re. ally went through that identity crisis thing. I always knew it was boys for me. Olivia and I would both gush about how handsome Paul McCartney was when we were about eight, still do actually.’

Remus found himself chuckling at this, ‘Oh please,’ he eventually implored jokingly, ‘Harrison is the good looking one… John Lennon too really.’

‘You think?’ 

‘Absolutely.’

‘He kind of reminds me of your Potter, actually.’

‘My Potter? I wouldn't say that to his face if I were you. His ego already causes chaos to my life.’

‘So I shouldn't tell him he looks like John Lennon or…. I shouldn't tell him that you fancy his doppelgänger,’ the boy flirted with him.

‘For the love of God, don't even joke about that, he's like my brother!’

‘A good looking, non-related brother…’

‘You are so way off the mark!’

‘Hmm… maybe. He's not as good looking as your other mate though. Black is just… God. If he were my dorm mate I'd probably never get any homework done.’

Remus immediately flushed at the insinuation and he quickly ducked his head.

‘Then again, if you were my dorm mate…’ The boy continued and when Remus looked up in shock at the brazen flirtation he barked out a laugh, ‘Oh wow! I made you blush! That was so sleazy of me!’ 

‘’S’alright,’ Remus found himself choking out a laugh and the fought furiously against his widening, no doubt goofy, grin. Oh and the butterflies which we're doing an unmanly fluttery thing in his stomach. 

*

*  
Lily had been trying to study in the common room for more than forty minutes now, but it was no use, what was going on in front of her – and everyone really – was far too distracting. She couldn't keep her eyes off the boy who was sat not too far away from her. Sirius Black was slouched on a near by sofa with a potions book all-but-forgotten in his lap. Instead of browsing the ingredients list and instructions for an anti-paralysis potion his eyes had wandered off to the other side of the room and had remained fixed there for quite some time. His gaze was that usual forlorn, lovesick look she had seen him sporting pretty much every time she laid eyes on him recently. It was there when he walked through the corridors alone; when he sat in class next to a random classmate that didn't hate his guts; when was stood outside having a quick cigarette between classes. What's more, she had seen the same look intensify whenever a certain someone was in the boy’s line of sight. 

The way Sirius looked at Remus Lupin bordered somewhere between being poetic and being pathetic and Lily found herself mentally referring to it as the Great Marauder Tragedy. She had had her suspicions for a while now that something was going on between the two friends that wasn't completely platonic. She just didn't have a clue whether or not it was some kind of unrequited love situation on Black’s part or whether or something had transpired between the two. What she did know was that it seemed all a little tragic for her tastes and a little obvious too. 

She’d wondered why nobody else was making comment on it. Surely she couldn't have been the only person to notice those sorrowful, heart broken glances? Surely Potter had clocked on? Yet she had never heard a single rumour. Never a single whisper. Perhaps it was because Black was the resident man whore and so the notion that he could be pinning over another boy was utterly ridiculous to every one despite it being blatantly obviously? 

He was the very epitome of misery and Lily found it very uncomfortable to watch day-in and day-out so she decided it was time she done something about it. She was going to bring it up to see what he had to say for himself. Perhaps that was what the boy needed? A friendly shoulder to cry on. God knew she always felt better after talking her own problems out with her friends and Sirius Black didn't seem to have too many of them right now. 

So it was twenty minutes later when, after asking Black if he wanted to study potions together somewhere they could concentrate, that Lily broached the subject as the boy read aloud an instruction he apparently didn't understand.

‘What?’ He looked up in surprise from his potion book; eyes wide and face gone a deathly shade of white. 

‘Are you in love with Remus?’ She repeated again; her tone soft and patient. 

‘Of course not!’ He blustered out rather wildly and Lily was surprised at how bad he was at lying considering he was famous for spinning tales to professors in order to get out of trouble. ‘Why would you think that?’ Lily knew the laugh that accompanied the question was meant to be jovial but it was too strained to be anything but natural. 

‘I've seen the way you look at him; the way you've changed since… well whatever has happened since you stopped speaking.’

‘I don't know what you're talking about,’ Sirius’ eyes looked wild with panic.

‘You’ve lost your sparkle, you’re not your same annoying self.’

‘Well most people don't like it when they fall out with their mates.’

‘Most people don't look heartbroken when they fall out with their mates,’ Lily pointed out not unkindly, ‘and you don't look at Potter like that and I know you two aren't talking either.’

‘You're being ridiculous,’ the wild eyed boy flustered. 

‘And you’re torturing yourself,’ she countered as she watched the boy close over his textbook presumably so he could flee from the room. She slammed her hand on top of the book to prevent him from lifting it, ‘Sirius!’

‘Leave it Evans!’ the boy half growled and half pleaded with her. She was one hundred per cent on the right track then.

‘Sirius!’ she leaned heavier on the book.

‘You're so way off the mark!’

‘No I'm no because if I were you'd be laughing this up and not running for your life.’

‘I'm not running!’ He denied still sounding petrified.

'Oh yes you are!'

‘I'm not running!’ The boy repeated forcefully.

‘And I'm not judging you!’ Lily countered in the same tone. The panicked boy’s head snapped up at those words and he stared at her silently for a long moment.

‘I promise I am not judging you. Remus is… he’s brilliant and I can totally see what you see in him. He’s far better than most of the girls you parade around!’

Something looked like it had snapped in the boy’s body and slouched back into his chair, finally breaking eye contact with her in favour of staring down on to the table. He lifted his eyes eventually and appeared to be chewing at his lips nervously. It was obvious he debating something with himself. Eventually he spoke. 

‘Its just…’ Sirius took a moment to stare nervously back down at the table. He’d never said these words out loud, not even to Remus, and had he envisioned talking about this it certainly wouldn't have been with Lily Evans! Then again she'd been the closest thing to a friend he'd had for the last few weeks and he actually thought he can trust her. Hell, he actually thought he might like her! Who’d have ever thought it? It didn't mean he could look her in the eye as he admitted his deepest, darkest secret so as the words finally left his mouth, for the first time ever, he kept his gaze firmly on the dark wood of the table which sat between them. 

‘I’m just so scared,’ his voice was quiet and weak with nervousness. The girl sat across from him didn't ask him to elaborate and when he glanced at her briefly he caught a flash of her kind green eyes. ‘I'm not supposed to be like this, to feel like this. I… I'm me… I've got some kind of reputation… I'm not some kind of…limp wrist fairy who can't look after himself.’ Sirius threaded his fingers through his hair in despair, ‘What are people going to think?’

‘It doesn't matter what other people think Sirius,’ Lily gently reminded him.

‘But I just feel… this pressure. So many people in this school treat me as if I'm a fucking king or something because I'm the popular Quidditch player; I'm James Potter’s best mate; I defy my own family. How are they going to treat me if they find out? Look what happened to Remus…’ He broke off with a wave of anguish and guilt threatening to engulf him.

‘You’re still going to be all those things,’ the redhead pointed out, ‘who you love doesn't change that.’

‘But it will change the way people treat me,’ he retorted weakly and looked back down gloomily towards the table again, ‘I'm not… I'm not as strong as him. Remus is the strongest person I know and I can still see how much it hurts him every time someone says something or does something… he tries to hide it but I know him…’ He trailed off; mourning the fact that he was very likely not going to continue knowing Remus at all now after everything he had done to him. A silence hung heavy above the pair as Sirius tried not to completely succumb to the gloom of that thought.

‘Then fuck ‘em!’ Sirius is jolted with shock at both the tone and the uncharacteristic swearing coming from the girl, ‘you’re Sirius Black, you can do whatever the hell you want!’

‘Only because I'm popular… M’not that now,’ the dark haired boy mumbled, ‘I've not even got any mates.’

‘Nonsense,’ lily swatted the sentiment away, ‘I’m fairly certain Potter’ll come around soon and Pettigrew.’

‘But not Remus,’ lily watched as the boy lowered his head to rest on his folded arms on the table top. He done a remarkable impression of kicked puppy. 

Yes well, if Lily knew the boy like she thought she did then she was less certain on that one. She decided to change tact.

‘Why him?’

'Why him what?’ The lovelorn young man straightened up in his seat and failed at pretending to not know what she was going on about. Boys. She simply raised her eyebrow in what she hoped was her best McGonnagall impression and was met by a weary sigh.

‘Come on,’ Sirius finally sighed, ‘It's Remus! What's not to lo…’ He caught himself and frowned for an instant, ‘what's not to like about him? You know him, he's the nicest guy around.’

‘Plus you think he’s pretty hot,’ Lily decided to play devils advocate and was rewarded with another rare sight: Sirius Black blushing.

‘Yeah, well,’ the boy flustered and it was clear he was trying to fight against the blush that was attacking his cheeks, ‘there is that too… Wouldn't have been shagging him if I didn't.’

Lily had to suppress her gasp of shock. She had been more right than she had initially thought. 

‘So you have been?’ She asked the boy for clarification and now Sirius was positively crimson.

‘Um… yeah.’ He nodded without looking at her and shifted in his seat.

‘And does he know you love him?’ and this time her question was met with a small shake of the head. 

‘I didn't realise until it was too late, until I had fucked up. Now he’ll never know because he’ll never talk to me again.’

‘Surely it's not as bad as that? Like you said, he's a great guy. He’ll forgive you at some point?’

The forlorn boy shook his head brusquely in response, ‘you're only saying that because you don't know what happened. Trust me, if you knew what I did you wouldn't be speaking to me either.’

Lily had merely blinked at that. How was she supposed to reply? She knew whatever had happened was completely top secret.

‘So there you have it,’ the boy sighed, ‘I'm in love with my best mate. My ex-best mate. My… Feel free to pity me. Go tell the rest of the school!’

‘I'm not going to do that Sirius,’ Lily promised him resolutely.

‘Why not? You've plenty of reason to humiliate me. All those times I’ve pissed you off. All those times I've encouraged Prongs to annoy the shit out of you just for my own amusement. All those times I've broken the hearts of your friends!’

‘Well I think I can strike that last thing off the record for reasons for thinking you’re a twat,’ the redhead dead panned before addressing the boy in a much more sincere manner, ‘This wasn't some plot to get you to reveal your deepest darkest secrets. Believe it or not I am not hellbent on ruining your life.’

The dark haired boy gave her an appraising look as if he were trying to work out whether or not she was lying and judging by the way his face finally relaxed it was clear he had decided to trust her. Lily watched him as other expressions flitted over his face; starting with relief and slowly morphing into a deep frown. ‘Thanks,’ he finally said, ‘for not wanting to do that.’ But his expression still seemed troubled and regretful, ‘I only wish I had given Remus the same courtesy.’


	19. Of Betrayal and Atonement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forgiveness can come from some pretty strange places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nobody is more sunrises that this is updated than me. This chapter was a killer. Thank you for your patience and lovely comments and generally not losing faith in this being updated.

Chapter 19

 

No matter how much he tried, James simply could do not concentrate on the task at hand. How was he supposed to crush the Elderflower with the exact pressure Slughorn had instructed them to use when betrayal was sitting two tables behind him? Okay so he hadn't really spoken to Sirius for a few weeks now, and granted he had betrayed Moony in the worst way possible, but he couldn't believe his friend – his best friend – would stoop so low by doing this. Surely there was some sort of code, even amongst estranged friends, that declared the death penalty for such a betrayal? You did not steal your best friend’s girl; regardless whether or not said girl gave said best friend the time of day or not! 

He'd first noticed it a few weeks ago. At first Evans had sat with the traitor at breakfast and then every meal thereafter. Then she was his new potions partner since Peter steadfastly refused to work with Sirius after the ‘incident’ with Moony (James and Sirius had been separated from working together in Old Slug Butt’s class three weeks into first year). Then they appeared to be studying partners (Sirius Black studying!) at every moment not spent in class. James wasn't stupid, he'd seen the looks the pair shared. Lily couldn’t keep her eyes off the Judas while Judas himself walked around looking love sick when she wasn't by his side. Gods it was enough to make James leap out of his chair right now to give Black a piece of his mind! But he couldn't. He had to play it cool because if there was one thing he was certain about was that Sirius Black did not do commitment and it was only a matter of time before he broke Evans’ heart and when he did, James planned to be ready to swoop in as a shoulder to cry on and with a declaration of devotion that Black would never be capable of. For now he’d just need to settle on watching the pair from a far. Which is what he was doing right then, when he was supposed to be concentrating.

‘Oh heads up,’ Sirius turned to his potions partner, who was currently crushing the Elderflower with the blade of her knife, ‘Prongs is staring at us again.’

Lily looked up from her work before giving a huff of annoyance, ‘Really, I think I preferred it when he was following me about with hideous bunches of flowers to this.’

‘You can't blame him for being suspicious,’ Sirius muttered, ‘We do spend an awful amount of time together now. I'll be surprised there isn't any rumours flying around about us.’

Lily stopped her work once again and gazed into the distance thoughtfully, ‘That does explain the death glares I got from Angie Podmore and her little followers the other day.’ She let out a little huff of amusement. ‘Little do they know they have no chance anyway.’

Her comment was met with the patented Black Death stare.

‘I still like girls,’ the raven haired boy hissed at her which was met by a raise of the eyebrows as Lily got back to work.

‘Potter might stop all this if he knew though,’she pointed out.

‘Not happening,’ Sirius shot the suggestion down as he began to angrily ground the dragon shell with his pestel and mortar earning him a tut from his new friend. She grabbed the instruments from the aggressive boy and began to ground them more gently so that their potion wouldn't be ruined. ‘I know Potter’s an idiot but I didn't think he was a bigot too.’

Sirius shot her an alarmed look and launched in to defend his best friend, ‘He’s not; really not in fact. It took him a few days to get there but he's great about Remus. He's a great bloke.’

‘So what's the problem?’

‘It's…’ The raven haired boy grimaced for a moment before sighing and lowering his voice, ‘I can't stand the thought of anything changing between James and I. We’re… Close. Closer than close. He's like my brother and I don't want him to think that I'm different… that I'm… I dunno… after him or wanting to get off with him or you know… a pansy or anything. I don't want him to second guess everything we do together or feel uncomfortable with me. He means everything to me and I've already lost Remus. I've probably already lost him too.’

‘Sirius…’ the redhead made to comfort him but was met with him shaking his head profusely at her, ‘I deserve it, Evans. I deserve it all.’

-

Twenty minutes later and the potions class was filing out of the room. Lily had made sure to pack up quickly and had told Sirius to go on without her. So slinging her bag over one shoulder she made her way towards a boy she usually avoided talking to at all costs all for the benefit of a boy she never thought she'd be friends with. When had she started getting so soft?

‘Potter we need to talk,’ she said to the back of his messy head which quickly whipped around in surprise with wild eyes.

‘Evans! I… what… what about?’

‘Black,’ she said simply as she crossed her arms and fixed him with a stern look of authority, ‘You need to start talking to him again. This has gone on long enough.’

She was met by a startled look which slowly morphed into one of apprehension. ‘Do you even know why we’re not talking?’

‘Not completely,’ she shrugged, ‘I know it has something to do with Remus and I'm sure Black probably deserved to have the shit beaten out of him for it but you're torturing him now. You lot are usually so loyal to one another…’

‘What?! I'm torturing him? Loyalty? Are you kidding? I'm not the one betrayed our best friend and also not the one who's galavanting around doing whatever it is he's doing with you despite…’

The redhead rolled her eyes at the confirmation of the jealousy and folded her arms.

‘Need I remind you that I am not your property Potter!’ The redhead cut in fiercely; an old topic of contention being revisited for the millionth time, ‘ I can galavant around with whoever I want.’

James’ eyes widened at what he thought was confirmation of his suspicions which caused Lily to roll hers once again in annoyance; he was clearly missing the point once again.

‘So you are….?’ He finally asked.

‘No!’ The redhead barked back in frustration, ‘God no! Bloody hell! I've turned you down plenty of times for being a berk so why would I want to go out with a boy who is practically your twin brother?’

‘Hey!’ The messy haired boy cried out in offence before conceding, ‘Yeah good point. But Lily if you knew what he had done then you would understand. You wouldn't be asking this of me.’

‘Maybe,’ the girl shrugged her shoulders, ‘but I also know how much Black is hurting and how sorry he is. He’s just not himself. It's kind of weird having him be nice to me.’

‘So why are you letting him?’ The bespectacled boy slung his bag over should as he spoke with a tone of incredulity. Like Evans had said, Sirius was a berk and for the past six years she had seen it her mission in life to continuously remind him of the fact and now… Especially now when Sirius one hundred per cent deserved to know what a scum bag he could be! 

‘Because… ‘ the girl sighed in frustration. How did she explain this without betraying the secret she had been entrusted with from an unlikely new friend. ‘He just looked so bloody miserable and once I got talking to him I realised there's a lot more to him than I thought.’ Was that enough? Would that do? Judging by the skeptical look still on Potter’s face she’d have to keep going, ‘I'd just never really given him a chance before and it turns out - God I can't believe I'm going to say this – Sirius Black is actually a pretty good guy and I was wrong about him all along.’

And James looked really shocked then. Even she felt a little shocked too because, actually, what she was saying wasn't a lie. Over the past few weeks she had come to like a boy she had once loathed almost as much as she loathed some of the Slytherin’s who would mock her for her blood status. She had finally discovered hidden depths to a person she had once thought of as Hogwarts’ shallowest student. And if she had been wrong about him then there was a real possibility...

She took in the sight of the boy standing in front of her and thought about all of the times he had annoyed, bewildered and enraged her. All feelings Sirius Black had also made her feel in the past. Then she thought about all the qualities both Remus and (more lately) Sirius had said this boy held which she was yet to witness. Apparently he was kind and passionate and loyal and, most surprisingly, supremely tolerant of those who were different to him. Was there a possibility that James Potter may not be as bad as she once thought? She’d certainly learned a lesson with Black. Was Potter any different?

'You were wrong about Black?’ The boy stuttered out in disbelief; clearly uttering a sentence he never thought would apply to one Lily Evans.

The redhead merely shrugged in response before turning around to walk away. She was half way across the room when she decided to call out ‘So maybe I'm wrong about other people too.’

She didn't bother to turn around to see the look of absolute shocked amazement on his face.

 

*

Remus pointed his wand towards the curtains of the Defence classroom he wasn’t technically supposed to be in. It was just after nine o'clock at night and technically he should have been in the common room but he’d felt a little too tetchy to be holed up in the dorm and a little too antisocial to hang around with his fellow Gryffindors. So there he was, in the classroom he’d been spending a lot of his free time in as of late; working out his frustrations and keeping his skills sharp for the inevitable impromptu duels some of his fellow students had decided to unleash on the queer boy of Hogwarts. Satisfied that the curtains were drawn properly and that he wasn't likely to be spotted from the ground, he turned around to the defence practice dummy, squared his shoulders and prepared himself for a one sided fight.

‘Confringo!’ He declared as he made a decisive sweep with his wand to produce the spell. He watched with satisfaction as it hit the dummy, which caused it to wheel wildly around the room. The game was on. Remus kept his eyes trained on the movement of the dummy and began firing off spells which caused the dummy ricochet from one place to the next.

‘Stupify!’

‘Relashio’

‘Depimo!’ 

He finally stopped when the dummy finally fell over. Panting for breath and smiling, he wiped the sweat from his brow before pulling off the sweater he was wearing over his head in a bid to cool down and feel less restricted with his movements.

'Impressive,’ came a voice from behind him and he startled a little. He recognised it as the amused tone of Thawley. Remus’ stomach did that fluttering thing that he was becoming more accustomed to feeling recently. That thing, that attraction between him and Oscar, felt so much different than what he was used to. With Sirius it was mixed with confusion, with worry and with anger. With Oscar it just felt light, care-free and fun. Remus turned to his interloper with a smirk.

‘Only if you're not very good at defence,’ he replied cockily, very aware how much he sounded like James or... he hastened that thought away, ‘Come for some extra tuition?’

He watched as Oscar mimicked his smile while he remained leaning against the classroom door. ‘Well I have heard rumours that you’re one of the best in our year for defence. I'd be mad not to take advantage of some one-on-one time with you.’ Remus ducked his head as a blush furiously attacked his skin and he tried to suppress his smile. In his periphery vision he could see Oscar unbutton the wrists of his white shirt and push them up, preparing himself for action. ‘Where do you want me?’ He asked when finished and stood expectantly with his hands on his hips.

Remus took a moment to take in the sight of the cocksure boy and had to bat away the thought that he and Sirius were very similar when it came to being cheekily confident. Oscar wasn't Sirius though. He was completely different. He was confident in a way that people who were truly at ease with themselves were. He was cheeky in a way that was friendly, not cruel. Clever but not in a lazy way. He was also taller then Sirius, not by much, but definitely taller… and…. Had different hair! Yes! His hair was a lot lighter than Sirius’ and shorter… and neater… and just different… Different. Yeah. He was different! Nothing like him!

‘Just… just over there,’ he faltered and cursed inwardly for letting Sirius get into his head.

The two boys took their positions meters a part.

'Don't go easy on me,' Remus advised the other boy with a wry grin, 'I can take it.'

'That's what I'm hoping,' the other boy grinned back and raised his brows flirtatiously, 'On the count of three?'

Remus nodded in agreement and turned away from Oscar in order to take the customary starting position for dueling.

'One...' he heard be cried over his shoulder, 'two...' and on the count of three he turned to send a reflective spell to shield against whatever Oscar decided to throw at him. It was when the same colour of spell pressed against his own that he realised he hadn't heard the other boy call out a different spell and that they must have called out the same defensive spell at the same time. He immediately dropped it and found Oscar grinning madly at the coincidence.

'We must think alike Lupin,' he pointed out with humor, 'but chucking defensive speeds at one another's no fun. We need to up the ante.'

'What do you propose then?'

'First spells attack then we quickly need to defend. It'll keep us on our toes.'

'Sounds good to me!' The werewolf agreed, 'I hope you're fast!'

'Or just faster than you,' the brunette smirked.

Remus shook his head in good humored denial before clearing his throat and announcing, 'Alright on one...' he swivelled around to his starting position.

'Two...' came a voice from behind him.

'Three!' They cried in unison resulting in the amber eyed boy to whip around and cry '......' with his wand arm darting forward and producing the spell as fast as he could. Quickly he called out another spell and prayed it deflected whatever Oscar sent his way. It did and so he called out yet another attack noting that his last had been shunned by the other boy. He saw a stream of gold dart towards himself and deflected it again and continued to throw spells at his duelling partner and fight off sent towards him. Before long the boys were engaged in a some sort of bizarre dance circle around the room and Remus felt exhilarated by it. Oscar's joy was evident in the way that he was laughing as he cast spells and soon he was crying teasing jibes in between his spells.

'Too slow Lupin!' He called as he deflected what could have been a pretty good jelly legs jinx. He in turn deflected what suspiciously sounded like an anti-gravity jinx.

'Caught that easily enough!' He cried out jubilantly enough considering he was in mid battle.

'What about this?' And Oscar fired another in quick succession and then a numbing curse for good measure. Remus able to deflect the first of the two but was unlucky enough to be grazed across his shoulder with the numbing jinx. It took affect instantly with his wand arm going light and feeling as if it were no longer part of his body. Quickly he grabbed his wand using his left hand from his now numb right one and fired off his well practiced also jinx. Oscar had clearly not been expecting the move and the boy was quickly tied around the legs by a shimmering cord and whipped to the ground, landing with an 'oaf' as his back hit the ground.

Remus blinked in surprise at his success before letting out a whoop of triumph and lifting his one good arm into the air in celebration as Oscar lay groaning on the ground.

'Who's the slow one now?' Remus gloated as he stood above his defeated friend.

'You caught me off guard,' the grounded brunette defended himself.

'You got too smug more like,' the werewolf pointed out, 'you really shouldn't take for granted that your opponent is out just because he's been hit. '

'Fair enough,' the other boy conceded, 'are you going to help me up or not?'

Remus pretended to think this over and only gave in when the floored boy gave out a huff of mock indignation. He held out his working hand and prepared to pull his opponent off the floor in a display of good sportsmanship when the raven claw gave a sharp tug on it and brought the werewolf down to join him on the ground. Or more specifically, on top of him on the ground.

'You know, you should really listen to your own advice,' the brunette grinned at him and Remus would have retorted with something witty had he not become aware of the tantalising position he was now in with the other boy. ‘You might just…’ And now the dark haired boy’s attention was faltering as he gazed at Remus’ mouth, ‘… just… just…’ and Remus never got to find out what he might just have done because Oscar leaned up to capture his lips with his own.

*

‘Any preferences for a carriage?’ Peter called over his shoulder as he made his way down the corridor of the Hogwarts Express; waddling as he tried to contend with the weight of his school chest. 

‘Yeah,’ James called back over the inevitable din of the whole school trying to get themselves organised for the journey ahead, ‘Try the next two up on the right.’ He'd spotted a particular person walk into it alone as he and Peter had boarded and thought it was as good a time as any to give Lily’s advice a go. He'd wrestled with the idea of forgiving Sirius for just under a week now and when he thought about it he realised that Black wasn't the only one miserable with the whole sorry situation. Life without his best mate was pretty shit no matter how angry he still was with him. 

He watched as Peter fiddled with the handle to the carriage door, clearly too occupied trying to balance his trunk and open the door to look through the window to see that the carriage was occupied by a person the pair of them had been steadfastly been ignoring for some weeks now. Eventually he got the door open and James watched as his friend’s face fell as he took in the sight of the person inside. Peter hesitated a moment and then turned to James with a frown.

‘Go on,’ James prompted him and when Peter finally moved forward the bespectacled boy followed him through the door to find a very startled looking Sirius Black.

-

‘Well if nobody has anything to add,’ Elloiyse Adair, who had been appointed chairwoman of the prefects meeting in lieu of a new head girl and boy being present, began to wrap up the final meeting of the year with the already existing prefects, ‘I just want to wish you all a great holiday and I'll see you all next year when there's a new batch of firsties to herd around!’ 

Remus joined in with the chorus of goodbyes and waited patiently for those closest to the carriage door to filter out. He smiled politely as a few fifth year prefects wished him a good summer break and made small talk with Andrew McAndrews, a real contender for next years head boyship from Hufflepuff, as he too waited patiently to be let out of the stifling hot carriage. The meeting had been too long, too boring and too unnecessary considering they were due to have another one on the return trip after the summer and Remus was desperate to get back to his friends, wherever they were, to let off some steam. 

However it seemed as if though someone else had other ideas. It wasn't until it looked like he was finally being able to leave, with only about another five people to walk through the door in front of him that he looked up to see Oscar through the window of the carriage door. He looked like he was waiting for the same people Remus was waiting for to leave the carriage and it was when Rowland Danderson finally ambled out the door that Oscar looked up and dazzled Remus with a cheeky smile that he realised he was waiting for him.

‘Thought I'd find you in here,’ the light haired boy smirked as he entered, ‘what with you being a goody two shoes and all.’ 

The werewolf choked out a laugh of surprise at the other boys cheek before he narrowed his eyes and retorted with ‘A goody two shoes who you met in detention. I've done time man. Don't mess with me!’

‘Well I wouldn't mind messing with you,’ the attractive boy flirted as he stepped closer towards Remus; a jolt in the train bringing them to stand close to one another.

‘Was that the only reason you came looking for me?’ Remus found it difficult to keep the humour in his voice with Oscar being so close into his personal space. The train jolted again and suddenly the other boy was grasping on to his arm to help keep him up right. 

‘Well actually I was wondering if I could maybe come see you at some point over the summer?’ Oscar asked in a voice that wasn't quite as confident as it had been when he had been cheeky but had an undertone of lust, ‘Never been to Wales before.’

‘There's nothing much to see there,’ Remus wasn't completely aware why he was saying this. He loved his home and was proud to be Welsh despite the terrible attempts his friends made to mimic his accent. Something about Thawley just melted his brain whenever he got so close. 

‘You'd be there, that's not so bad…’

‘I am pretty spectacular I suppose… Some may even say a tourist attraction…’

'You're definitely an attraction,’ the blue eyed boy grinned as reached out and carded his fingers through the werewolf's hair. Remus almost melted into to the touch and took in the beautiful boy in front of him. Oscar was looking at him with that mixture of arrogance and desire that was so different yet so similar to the way another boy used to look at him. If there was one thing he had learned from this thing between Thawley and himself it was that he seemed to attract the cocky ones. The cocky ones… The ones with the killer smile and the swagger in their walk… the ones who know what they wanted and had no qualms about taking it… the ones who willingly took from you all that you’d give them but offer nothing in return… the ones who would throw you to the lions to save face in front of the sheep…

‘Is there something wrong?’ Thawley’s whole demeanour softened in concern and his fingers stroked soothingly at his temple. Remus considered the question. Was there something wrong? Was there? Was there anything wrong about allowing this gorgeous boy touch him in this way? To allow a boy who was so similar to one that used to do the same thing? Similar didn't necessarily mean the same. Oscar was his own person. He wasn't necessarily going to stamp all over his heart like Sirius had; he wasn't going to necessarily break his heart into even smaller than the broken pieces left by Sirius; pieces that hadn't yet been put back together. And was that fair? Was it fair to give himself over to someone when he wasn't completely whole? When someone else still had a piece of him?

Remus lifted his own hands to move Thawley's from the side of his head. 

‘It's just that, well, I'm not looking for anything too serious right now Oscar and I don't want to get in to anything that's… that's gonna end up with one of us getting hurt. I like you too much to do that to you. It happened with Lana and, well to be honest with you, I still feel shit about that.’

He felt too embarrassed to look the other boy in the face so looked downwards instead to wait for some sort of response. It came when Thawley’s hands began to card through the hair at his temple again. Remus looked up in surprise to find that the other boy was smiling at him softly.

‘I'm not quite looking to become Mrs Lupin but it's nice to know you have my virtue at heart.’

It was such a cheeky, light hearted reply that Remus couldn’t help but grin in response to it.

‘Remus,’ the blue eyed boy continued, ‘I like you. As in I fancy you. As in I am very lucky that one of the few blokes in that bloody castle who likes a bit of cock happens to be someone who is very attractive. I'm not looking for a boyfriend here. I'm looking for a friend, who's a boy, who likes to have fun with other boys with no clothes on. That's all I'm looking for here. If that sounds like the kind of fun you'd like to have then I'm right here for the taking… Or giving… Or whatever you prefer to be honest cause I'm not that fussy.’

And again Remus was grinning like an idiot.

‘Are you up for that kind of fun?’

Remus laughed at the bluntness and honesty of the proposal. It definitely sounded, well, fun.

‘That definitely sounds like the kind of fun that I'm up for,’ he replied with an ear splitting grin.

‘Fantastic!’ The other boy crowed in celebration before moving his face and lips even closer to the boy he had backed up against the train window. ‘Wanna bit of fun right now?’

*

Sirius slid the door to the carriage closed behind him and for the first time in weeks he could say he felt happy. Not everything in his life was exactly how he would have wanted it but to have James talking to him again, well it made him feel as if anything was possible. He had felt slightly dubious when he had first seen James and Peter enter his carriage. Surely they hadn't realised he was there? Surely once they had sat down they'd do their best to ignore him? Surely they wouldn't have uttered a single word to him? Surely if they were to speak to him it would have been to point out what an utter aresehole he had been? To tell him how many lives he hadnearly ruined? To tell him that he didn't deserve friends? 

None of that happened.

Instead the pair had sat down, with admittedly Peter looking a little unsure of what the protocol was to be, and James just started talking to him. He'd started by asking him if he had any plans to listen to the night time match between the Falmouth Falcons and the Appleby Arrows on the wizarding network at the weekend. Then he proceeded to list all the reasons why they should be supporting the Arrows, the underdogs, despite them not being their usual team of choice. Even Peter had began to join in once he'd become more at ease with that fact that they were going to act as if the last few weeks had never happened and Sirius was, well, he was just grateful. He was more than grateful! He was ecstatic! He felt as if he was back where he belonged; right beside (at least) two of his best mates, his real family, his companions in mayhem. He felt like he could do anything. Conquer the world! Possibly even conquer Remus’ refusal to ever have anything to do with him again. Everything just seemed brighter and his entire body felt lighter; as if a massive weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Everything was going to be okay.

It was with this renewed sense of happiness that Sirius bounded down the corridor of the train to make his way toward the toilet. When people said hello to him, he greeted them back with a genuine smile of happiness. When Slytherins and other natural enemies sneered at him he let it roll off his back. Not a thing could bring him down today. Not. A. Thing.

Although it appeared one thing could.

One thing did.

Possibly the one thing that he had been dreading seeing ever since he lost Remus, possibly even before that too, and that one thing was happening in the carriage right by the toilets for all the world to see.


	20. Filth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius mourns the ending of his relationship with Remus and is filled with dread at the prospect of a new one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Not a long wait for this chapter. Pretty much because I had this mostly written from the very beginning. This is strangely one of my favourite chapters. Warning for some strong language and what can technically be deemed as abuse. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter as I tried my best to make this chapter a bit... Well, not original, but I tried to make it my take on a very popular story arc. Enjoy!

This was it, Sirius decided as he lay in his bed for what was possibly the sixth day in a row; this was the worst he had ever felt in his entire life. Ever. That time when he was three years old and his mother had locked him in a room with Boggart to teach him about going into rooms where he wasn't allowed access to; that time when he watched, as a five year old, his father AK their old House Elf Bitzy because she ‘had become too soft’ with himself and Reg; that time when he had turned seven and his father had swiped the entire contents of his birthday banquet from the table because Sirius had pouted about not getting a toy broom like the son of that Zabini bloke had; none of those compared to this. Hell, not even the horrifying realisation that he had lost Remus forever had quite matched up to this. At least then there was a tiny glimmer of hope that he could have done something to win him back. Now… well now he knew for certain that there wasn't. Remus had moved on. He had found someone else. Someone to replace Sirius and everything they had meant to one another.

Okay, yes, that was entirely Sirius’ own fault because after all he was the one who hadn't really appreciated that they meant something that special enough to be upset about losing.

Sirius knew he could go out and find someone else tomorrow. He could find a carbon copy of Remus in any of those clubs down in muggle London; but the truth was, it wouldn't be the same. 

It felt as if his entire future happiness had been wrapped up in the prospect of Remus forgiving him but now… now he didn't have a clue what to do. He imagined back on the nights where they lay in bed together, usually after having what was the best sex Sirius would ever be capable of thinking of, let alone actually be a part of. It would have been the nights which had happened in the last few weeks of their… relationship… They would lie together, naked, sweaty and totally vulnerable to one another. Remus would always look breath taking. More beautiful than any girl he had ever been with. He would look glorious lying there all rumpled and soft. They would lie together and talk in hushed tones as one of them would run their fingers through the other’s hair; or stroke the other’s fingers; or whispered words of worship into the crook of the other’s neck. 

Sirius could have loved him more than life had he not been so afraid. Truth of the matter was; he was a coward. He was no Gryffindor at all. Lying here in his bed he couldn't believe how afraid he had been to go along with Remus’ wishes to let their other friends know what was going on between them; to even define their relationship between themselves. If Sirius could have taken it all back now, find a time turner and go back to that moment where they were lying in another bed together so happily, he would do it. He would do it and do everything Remus wanted. He would run to the top of those bloody stairs in Gryffindor tower and yelled it down to the rest of the students in the common room. Hell he would stand on his table in the middle of Great Hall and declare it. He would do anything at that very moment to get Remus back. It's just funny that it was only in moments gone past that he realised that. 

He couldn't help but think about what he would have said to Remus right then in that moment. He envisioned that the sandy haired boy was lying across from him on the bed and thought what he would truly say to him.

‘I miss you,’ he mumbled at the apparition in his mind, ‘I miss you and I love you and I'm so, so sorry.’

'Who are you talking to?’

Sirius’ head whipped around towards the voice in his doorway and instinctively he snarled at his brother. ‘Who said you could come in here? Get out of my room!’ He punctuated the command with the launch of a pillow in his brothers direction but it missed his target and it hit the wall just to the left of the doorway. 

For some reason Regulus had been annoying him more than ever this past week. He had been surprisingly quiet with the usual taunts he usually saved up over the course of the academic year to lob in Sirius’ direction all holiday long. Sirius had wondered if maybe he had been warned about bickering in the house from their father or mother but he himself hadn't been given such a warning and God knew he could give as good as he got. Anyway, something about his brother’s demeanour had been annoying him and that was despite the fact that Sirius had spent the majority of his first week home holed up in his bedroom feeling miserable. 

‘I’m afraid your presence is required downstairs. It’s time for dinner,’ his brother drawled at him before wafting the air in front of his face with his hand with a look of general disgust on his face. ‘It absolutely stinks in here, you know. You're going to have to let Kreacher take your bedsheets away for a washing a some point, you can't wallow in here like a love sick woman all summer long.’

And it was the turn of an antique alarm clock to be hurled in the direction of the door this time. Once again it missed its target and smashed into a million pieces, this time against the doorframe. 

 

Had anyone not known that the season England was currently enjoying at that particular moment in time was summer time and they had found themselves dining in the dining room of Grimmauld Place they may have been forgiven for believing it was a drab, dull winters day instead. Absolutely no natural light penetrated the think dark green, velvet drapes which were always drawn; not even to cast some light on the equally dark varnished oak table or chairs. Sirius hated this room. Not only did the lack of light make the room feel oppressive but the usual general atmosphere of the room was usually suffocating; probably due to the fact that he was expected to spend time with people here he absolutely loathed. 

As a coping mechanism Sirius usually adopted the habit of not talking nor making eye contact with anyone in the room unless he absolutely had to. Once upon a time he may have offered sarcastic comments or words of rebellion but that old game had gotten old a few years ago and so his stance of not wasting the valuable oxygen required to even engage the people he hated with conversation seemed to be standing him well so far.

‘Are you listening to what your mother is telling you boy?’

Although, he did usually at least try to listen to what was going on. A brief glance towards his brother told him the question hadn't been directed at him and so deigned to look at his father.

‘Sorry,’ he replied with no real sentiment behind the word, ‘I didn't catch it.’

He watched with disinterest as his father's eyes hardened in annoyance before they looked in the direction of his mother on the other end of the table to give her the silent command to repeat herself. 

‘Had you been listening you would have heard me tell you of how it is now your time to start making a real contribution to this family by considering your future.’

He didn't know why but he instinctively looked towards Regulus in that moment, perhaps to decipher if he knew where this conversation was headed. As per usual the little shit sat there with a look of superiority on his face, but there was something etched there ever so slightly; was that suppressed glee he could detect?

‘My future mother?’ Regulus’ unusual type of smugness piqued his interest in the conversation.

‘Yes. You know as the eldest you have certain obligations to this family.’

Obligation? This family?

Apprehension began to creep along his back...

‘As the heir to the family name, money and reputation you have a duty to uphold said reputation.’

Duty?

It crawled ever so slowly over his shoulder blades…

‘And if you are to do that, then traditionally this is the time when you would be begin to consider your options.’

And slid up towards his shoulders…

‘For marriage.’

And dropped like a leaded weight into his stomach. Marriage? Now? MARRIAGE? He felt as if he had taken a stunning curse right to the chest.

‘Come now, don't look so worried,’ his mother offered him in an unusual tone of reassurance. ‘We’re not expecting you to choose.’

Thank Merlin for that, he thought as he deflated in relief. Marriage? Him? Christ that was the last thing that he needed on his plate right now. Having a crisis over the fact that he had royally fucked it up big time with the only person he wanted to be with was one thing without throwing the expectation that he be married into the mix. Gods, that threw about about twenty problems or so in of itself! Being expected to marry some bird was particularly troublesome when you weren't one hundred per cent sure if you were even attracted to them period. Bloody hell. Thank Merlin he wasn't being made to choose!

Hang on, his mind halted on the word. Choose. Choose? Didn't that imply…?

‘You father and I have been having some discussions on the matter and we feel we may have come to an agreement on the best match for you.’

The feeling of dread was back and this time it was icy cold and was accompanied with blind panic. Without even realising it Sirius had begun to shake his head in protest of what he was hoping to Merlin and every deity to ever exist that what he thought might come out of his mother’s mouth didn't come out.

‘So at the annual Summertime Ball we will fully be expecting you…’ 

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no….

‘… to publicly…’

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no….

‘… ask Bellatrix for her hand in marriage.’

…

 

Sirius had been wrong. This was the worst moment of his life.

The old bitch had finally lost it.

‘Mother!’ He choked out a plea for mercy, ‘Please…’

‘Now Sirius we have had lengthy discussion about this,’ his father interjected, ‘Bellatrix will make a fine match for you and she has all that it takes to be at the head of this family.’

‘But she hates me!’ The panicked young man burst out, ‘And I fucking well don't like her either!’

‘You will do well to mind your language at this table!’ Came the seething reprimand from Orion Black at the outburst.

‘Many matches in the past have had their… teething problems,’ his mothered had tried to appease him but judging by the look on her face she seemed delighted at the prospect of the unhappy marriage she was condemning her eldest son to.

Rage surged in Sirius’ veins.

‘You've done this on purpose!’ The heir to the Black fortune spat at her on this realisation, ‘You want to make me as miserable as you lot! Well it won't happen! I won't do it! I can't do it!’

Sirius felt wild now; he felt like a caged animal trying its best to escape from the corner it had been backed into.

‘You will propose to Bellatrix,’ his father replied in a manner totally devoid of any emotion. He didn't care if it made Sirius happy or not use as long as Sirius did his family duty and saved his parents face in front of society.

‘No!’ He pleaded with little shame. Fuck shame! This was life or death here! ‘Please don't make me! I can't do it! I can't!’

'You can and you will!' Walburga Black with cold hearted authority dripping from every word.  
This could not be happening! What had he ever deserved for this to happen to him? Bellatrix! They might have well bloody suggested he married Severus Fucking Snape! He'd probably have a happier life with that greasy git! 

‘Mother, father, perhaps I can shed some light on why Sirius is so opposed to the idea. Just to give you a little insight to help you understand why he's so opposed to the arrangement.’

Sirius eyed his brother warily. Was he really about to stand up for him? This was unprecedented…

‘You see I happen to know from a very good source the reason why Sirius is hesitant to enter into a betrothal.’

Oh Christ. Maybe not.

‘You know nothing you little shit!’ He hissed venomously across the table at the smug looking little wanker. 

‘You see Sirius here is already in a relationship with someone at school. Another fellow in my house had the misfortune to inform me that he had witnessed Sirius with his beau.’

‘He’s lying! He's making it up,’ the unfortunate heir cried in a desperate attempt to discredit his so called brother.

‘I say misfortune because on stumbling across this information he was forced to see my brother in a rather compromising position with…’

‘It's lies!’

The hint of a smile on Regulus’ face was unmistakable. The little shit was actually taking pleasure from ruining Sirius’ life. ‘With another young man.’

That had gone and done it. The room had gone deathly silent. All that could be heard was the oppressive tick tick of the pendulum in the ancient grandfather clock outside in the hallway. Not even the portraits uttered a word; which was rare seeing as they liked to throw their own cents in whenever the subject of Sirius being a disappointment/blood traitor/fuck up came into conversation. 

‘He's clearly lying,’ Sirius made a valiant effort to discredit his brother but he knew, that out of the pair of them, which one held their parents trust.

‘I would have brought it up sooner but the thought of ever needing to discuss such a…’ Regulus’ lip curled up in disgust, ‘…matter was revolting to me and I had wished to spare you both the indignity of hearing about it.’

Oh. He was good. Regulus was really good. 

Sirius was going to fucking kill him. For a brief moment he envisioned how to do this but then the silence of the room was broken by his mother.

‘Is this true?’ She asked with an eerie calmness to her voice that it scared Sirius more than any of her screaming ever did.

‘No,’ he denied and cursed the tremble in his voice.

She fixed him with an ice hard stare, giving away not a single thing she was thinking, before her lips curled up into a snarl of disgust as she said, ‘incarcerous.’

Before he could even process the piece of wand less magic his mother had just performed Sirius found himself being attacked by magically conjured ropes which bound him to the dining chair he was sitting in. His mother stood from her seat to loom over him.

‘I'll ask you again boy. Is this true?’

All Sirius could do was shake his head in denial; he didn't trust himself not to let out a sob of terror otherwise. 

His mother waited another beat to consider his answer.

'Kreacher!' Walburga screamed, turning on the house elf, 'Go to Orion's office and bring me the potion in the vial in the bottom drawer of his desk!'

Sirius' mind raced. Why was his mother sending Kreacher for something she could just summon herself? Surely it'd be quicker? Then again, perhaps it was one of those few things in the house that were warded against a simple Accio? Like some of their valuables... Or more illegal possessions...

Panicking, Sirius wracked his brain. What the hell was his mother going to do to him?

'Let's see if his filthy little lies hold under the Veritaserum,' she smirked as Kreacher reappeared to place the small vial in her hand.

No? She wouldn't?

'Mother! You can't...' He tried protesting before a hand slapped him across the cheek.

'Dont you dare tell me what I can and cannot do in my own home, you impertinent little sod!' 

'But I'm telling the truth...' He simpered as he fought against the the pain burning on the side of his face. 

'Forgive me if the last seventeen years of your dishonesty and disrespect has taught me to practice caution over what you consider to be fact from fiction,' his mother sniffed as she occupied herself with the opening of the small glass bottle.

She couldn't do this, not this time. There was no way he could let his parents know the truth on this matter. Who knew what they'd do to him if they really knew what perverse acts he'd been practicing with his best friend. The Blacks were narrow minded when it came to the small, every day matters in life let alone when it came to people's alternative lifestyles. No. He couldn't let them find out, he'd need to fight against it.

'Father...' Sirius tried to plea to his father's better nature (which was only marginally 'better' than his mother's).

'No use in pleading to me boy,' his father sneered down on him, 'I'd rather know what the filthy heir to my family's life work has been up to before its too late to do anything about it.'

'But I haven't...' And the tears which had been building in his eyes began to spill over his bruised cheek. 

'Well we'll know soon enough, won't we?' His father continued coldly; driving the point back to Sirius that there was really nothing he could do to stop this. 

He took a calming breath while opening his eyes and there he saw Regulus standing at the periphery of what was going on and all of a sudden the fight that had just abandoned him came rushing back.

'Don't think I won't forget this you little cunt!' He seethed as his body bucked against the invisible bonds his mother had used to tie him to the chair he hadn't long been dining in. Regulus let out a haughty laugh in response.

'Wonderful choice of words big brother,' he said in snide congratulations, 'I'm surprised a faggot like you would have that in their vocabulary!'

'Don't you dare call me that you snivelling little mamma's boy!' Sirius continued to rage, 'You spineless little shit!'

'Maybe you'd prefer limp wristed poofter?'

'You heartless little wanker!' The eldest brother was all but fighting a losing battle against the magic that was keeping him bound.

'Or perhaps you answer to desperate little cock sucker? Is that what you are Sirius? A desperate little cock sucker?'

'I'll fucking KILL YOU! Do you hear me! KILL YOU!'

'Enough of this!' Walburga finally waded in, 'Regulus I do not want to hear another disgusting comment come from you, do I make myself clear?'

'Yes mother,' the youngest of the two Black children replied; his cocksure arrogance replaced by the obedience he always devoted towards their mother.

'Now keep still,' Walburga turned to her eldest son, 'The more compliant you are with me, the less severe your punishment will be.'

But Sirius knew not to take his mother at her promise. Years of cruel, over-the-top punishment had taught him that. So as she began to lower the vial down towards his lips he instinctively began to struggle; craning his neck away from the potion.

'I won't tell you again boy,' she cautioned him as she tried to grab his head with her other hand in order to keep him still.

'No!' The tear stained boy writhed in her grasp. He simply had to do as much as he could to prevent this from happening even if there was very little he could do. 

'Yes!' She screamed manically back at him, 'you will because I want to hear it from your own mouth what a disgusting little reprobate you really are!'

'I'm not!' He twisted away one more time fully aware how his reluctance was making him look guilty and not giving damn. 

'This is madness,' he heard his father mutter from the side of him and relief flooded him. He was going to do it; his father was going to save him from humiliation. He was going to call his wife off and end all this madness. He was going to... He was going to... But he wasn't because in the next second a curse was called and it came from his father's mouth.

'Petrificus Totalus!' Sirius heard whilst he continued to struggle and then his body went rigid.

For a few seconds he couldn't believe it and his thoughts stilled along with every muscle in his body. What...what just happened? Had his father...?

His mother stood directly in front of him now with a satisfied smirk.

'You've only got yourself to blame for this Sirius. If you'd just complied with us from the start we wouldn't have had to resort to that.'

And when Sirius went to scream in response to her he fully understood what had happened. His father had hit him with a Full Body Bind and now he was completely powerless to do anything; he couldn't even scream in horror when he realised what this had meant. She'd won and now there was no going back.

He was powerless to stop this.

Completely unable to do anything about it Sirius watched as his mother lifted the potion back towards him, tipping his head back slightly as she done so, and poured it into his mouth. It was strange not reflexively swallowing or chocking on it. The liquid just poured down his throat in a silky, cool way and almost immediately his mind felt different; almost lighter as if his inhibitions had floated away.

'Lift the body bind,' he heard his mother command and within seconds he was able to move his head and limbs; although he was still bound to the dining chair.

'Now, now that wasn't so bad was it?' Walburga sardonically quipped.

'It was absolutely terrifying!' Sirius found himself blurting out with no control. Terror engulfed him; it was working already.

'And here I thought Gryffindor's were supposed to be brave,' his little brother drawled from his position back at the dinner table and Sirius found that despite the potion he could still feel hot anger towards him.

'Now where shall we start?' His mother taunted as she leaned again the dining table and stood directly in front of him.

'What is the true nature of your relationship with that Lupin boy?' 

As soon as the question had been asked Sirius could feel the curious lightness overcome his mind again.

'He's my friend!' He blurted and he instinctively had the urge to cover his mouth with his hand but couldn't due to the fact that they were still bound to the chair, 'I love him but we're no longer friends anymore.'

'And this is because the nature of your friendship has changed?'

'No. It's because he hates me now. We fell out at school and now he won't even speak to me.'

Sirius watched as his mother turned to exchange a glance with his father. It was clearly not the confession of guilt they'd been hoping for and a small part of Sirius was happy. Perhaps the potion was faulty? Perhaps he wouldn't have to admit anything to them. Stating that you loved your friend was hardly incriminating, was it? Most people did.

'Perhaps if you let me ask him some questions mother?' Regulus dared to ask and to Sirius' horror his mother waved her hand in permission. 

'Sirius, have you had a sexual relationship with Lupin in the past?' 

Fuck. He could feel his mind becoming light and loose again and he was going to tell them everything they wanted to hear after all. He would have to fight this.

'N....' He tried as he struggled against the muscles of his mouth. He had to resist. He'd heard in class that wizards could fight against Veritaserum so he would have to try and do the same. They were much more powerful wizards though... Much more powerful than a seventeen year old...

'N...y....yes!' He finally blurted out after his struggle against the truth.

The look of triumph of Warburga's face lasted merely seconds before it was overtaken by one of disgust and Sirius could only begin to imagine what her next move was going to be now that she had the truth. When it came to punishment his mother could be extremely imaginative.

'So you are a filthy sodomite?' His mother asked him in a calm manner that terrified him. If Walburga's temper didn't snap immediately that only meant that it was building to become something ferocious.

'I'm not filthy!' He managed to shout out in a fit of defiance before the potion had him call out, 'Yes!'

'I cannot believe this!' His father roared, 'What the bloody hell is that Dumbledore allowing to take place in that school of his!'

'Nobody knows,' Sirius' mouth automatically ran and he wanted to cry even more. He couldn't fight this. He was forced to humiliate himself to his parents again and again against his will and bare the consequences, 'We done it in secret. Our beds are next to one another.'

'How very cosy,' came the snide remark from Regulus who seemed to be enjoying this all far too much.

'Then you will be removed from that reprobate's room!' His father angrily replied, 'And placed into one of your own. I want this boy reported! No doubt he hexed you into doing this?'

'Father the boy is well known for being a homosexual. He's often targeted in the halls by those of us who do not approve of him,' the little swine decided to add to the fire.

'No!' Sirius shouted, this time doing so of his own actual bidding. The last thing he wanted was for Remus to be punished when he hadn't actually done anything wrong. If Sirius knew anything about the whole sorry mess it was that he was very much compliant with everything they had done; if not the instigator of it all. 

His mind misted over quickly again and he was talking without wanting to once more, 'I started it all. I wanted to have sex with him. He even had a girlfriend at one point.' 

If it was possible his father looked even more aghast.

'You know I always did know there was something different about you Sirius; a little bit off. Your mother always tried to steer you right and I admit sometimes her methods were harsh and I pled for her to be gentler with you. I told her that young boys misbehaved and liked to go through phases of rebellion and that with guidance you would grow up to become a fine young man; a young man worthy of his position in this family and in wizarding society. But time and time again you proved me wrong and now this,' his father pulled a face of revulsion, 'you have just shown us how sick in your mind you really are. This perversion of yours...I just cannot comprehend what we have done to allow this to happen.'

'Father please...' Sirius pleaded against the harsh words.

'Part of me wonders if you were placed in the same house as your relatives then they could have kept an eye on you. Part of me wonders if we were just cursed to have a rotten seed of a son.'

'Please...' He cried again.

'Enough!' Orion's temper flared, 'Enough of this! Enough of these tears! Men do not cry Sirius! Do you hear me? They do not cry and they certainly do not have sexual relations with other wizards! So this is what I'm going to do. I am going to write to Dumbledore and I am going to have all of this mess tidied up. You are being removed from that boy's room and you have not to make contact with him in any way. If I hear of your professors pairing him with you they will be removed from their positions. I will then speak to Severus Snape and let him know that if word gets around of your indiscretions he will find any path to a successful future career completely blocked. You've only got another year to get through boy and you will do it without event of disgrace. Have I made myself clear?'

All energy had been completely drained from the eldest Black son. He merely looked at his father and uttered obediently, 'Yes sir.'

'Then once you have graduated we will announce your engagement to Bellatrix in the Daily Prophet,' despair flooded the young Animagus on hearing the latter part of his father's plans, 'then you will marry and do your family duty to produce an heir.'

Despair was replaced by absolute revulsion. 

'These are my plans and it is how it is going to be,' his father declared as he stood from the dining table. He then turned his attention quickly to Regulus, 'This is the last time I ever want to hear of this disgusting mess. It is not to be brought up again after tonight.'

'Yes father,' the youngest Black replied politely.

'Now I am going to retire to my study for the evening. I trust you'll know what to do with the boy Walburga?'

Sirius turned to look at his mother and more dread engulfed him.

'Certainly,' she smiled wickedly, 'Leave the boy to me.'

-

Tears streamed down his face as he left Grimauld Place. He could not stand a single member of his family and any of the servants who occupied the house but something about the way he left the place hurt him. Maybe it was his wounded pride that made him cry? Yet again his mother and father had won; they'd proven to him once again that he was a worthless disappointment. Filth. Unworthy. Scum. And just maybe this time they were right? He was a filthy queer after all!

'Oi! Watch it you tosser!'

The words were yelled behind him from the window of car before he even realised what he'd done; running out into the middle of a road in the rain without the thought of any oncoming traffic. It was with that jolt of shock that he stopped, thankfully no longer on the road, and thought about where he was headed.

Once upon a time he would have had more options than the only one he had currently available to him. James was the only one of their group who was willing to give him the time of day but for this? Could he really turn up at his door with this? 

Feeling bewildered, Sirius ducked into the nearest dark alley and slumped against a brick wall. What the hell was he going to tell James?

'Oh hi Potter cheers for only just forgiving me for nearly murdering you, Remus and Snape. Now all's well with that, I guess you should know I've been chucked out by my folks for being a giant fucking faggot. Can I kip in your room for the rest of the summer?'

That was definitely not the way to do it! But he knew himself well. He'd start out trying to explain the whole situation and then his Foot-In-Mouth Syndrome would kick in and he'd totally fuck it up and James would be misled into the impression that Sirius was planning on buggering him in the middle of the night. 

No, he simply could not even begin to explain it to his friend. He'd just need to leave that part out. Things weren't exactly straight in his head enough so that he could convince himself everything was fine and normal; let alone convince James. He'd just need to leave that part out.

That decided, Sirius gave his face a quick scrub before pushing himself away from the wall. 

He needed to focus on the positive in this whole situation. He was finally away from Grimauld Place. Finally away from Walburga Fucking Black and her fucking meddling ways. He was free. His new life could begin.

It was on this thought that Sirius readjusted the strap of his backpack on his shoulder and lifted his chin high.

He was an of age wizard and free from his wretched family for good; his life could begin here!

With a final sniffle and a wipe of his eyes, the newly disowned heir turned in the spot and disappeared into the night air.


	21. Out: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not the way he wants James to find out...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the wonderful comments (and the slightly crazy ones, which I love too! Ha ha!). So here we have it, the next chapter, and yet another attempt to cover a pretty overdone fanfic staple in my own way. Hope it's not too contrived or boring? Anyway! Please let me know what you think. Good, bad, crazy, incoherent... I love all comments! :)

It was eleven o'clock when Sirius had woke up to his first morning as a resident in the Potter household: the previous evenings revelations and horrors had kept the young runaway awake long into the night despite his safe boarding at his friend’s house. He'd half expected a scolding from Mrs Potter when he’d eventually made it down the stairs for breakfast but instead found her to be in her usual chirpy mood. Even over his last few days of moping around in Grimauld Place Walburga had always insisted Kreacher woke the him up at six in the morning; more for torture, Sirius was sure, than anything else. Yet Mrs Potter had allowed him to sleep in and when he'd apologised for his late rising she had merely smiled at him and brushed him off by stating that he had obviously needed the rest. 

'Some may even say, one should let sleeping dogs lie, eh Padfoot?’ James had grinned at him with a mouth full of toast from the opposite side of the kitchen table. He was a sorry sight in a pyjama top which had been misaligned with wrong fastening of the buttons and had a bed head that looked like it had been styled by the manic branches of the Whomping Willow. Sirius could only grin back in reply to his best friend; thankfulness washing over him for the miracle that was James Potter and his ability to make him feel better with a simple stupid pun.

‘What ever you say deer,’ was his way of contributing to the joke as Mrs Potter sat a plate of extra buttery toast – just the way he liked it – in front of him. The friendly banter continued while Sirius and James devoured three batches of toast between them and Sirius felt as if he were worlds away from where he had been last night. Gone was the hostile atmosphere of the Black dining table and instead he found himself embraced by the loving one at the Potter’s kitchen table.

None of the Potters – including James- had pushed him to tell them what had happened for him to end up on their doorstep. Last night James had simply opened the door wider for him to enter his family home; Miriam Potter had taken one look at his face and had led him to the very spot he was sat in right now and had begun working on his face; and her husband had declared that he’d ‘run the lad a bath.’ They had excepted him in to their home no questions asked and Sirius had never felt so cared for in his life.

‘Oh, hello! Posts late this morning!’ James’ mum declared as Sirius and James also took notice of the scathing coming from the kitchen window. 

Sirius’ mood automatically darkened at the sight of the bird at the window; recognising it as Cacodaemones, one of the many Black family owls. In his beak was the unmistakable red envelope of a howler. Great.

'Oh dear,' Mrs Potter had also clocked on to the origins of the bird and its intention, 'Well I suppose we better let him in before he scratches through the pane. Best listen to what's to be said and have it done with.’

She leaned forward and unlatched the window and the black feathered creature hopped onto the inside sill, spat the envelope onto the draining board before turning its gaze on Sirius and screeching at him in a way that showed that even the Black family’s animals held him with the same distaste as the rest of the family. He then hobbled around on the spot and took off back into the Surrey sky. Mrs Potter picked up the delivered envelope with a look of apprehension as Sirius wondered how effectively he could hit the bird with a curse with no wand seeing as it was a retreating target.

‘It's addressed to you dear,’ Mrs Potter pulled him from his plotting by stating the obvious, ‘I think it's from your parents.’

Before Sirius could even react the howler had leapt out of Mrs Potter's hands and had opened itself.

'Sirius Black!' it began to screech out in his mother's voice at an ear splitting level as the envelope morphed into a snarling mouth, 'no doubt you have run off to the home of those blood traitors, the Potters, and as far as your father and I are concerned they can have you. However I believe it would be more than dishonorable of us to not inform them of the true nature of the stray they have taken into their home. No doubt you'll fail to let them know the real reason you have been banished from your home. The reason being that you're a filthy, perverted, little sodomite!'

'Sodomite?' James blinked at him and Sirius blanched, 'Why is she calling you a sodomite?'

'To think that we had our hopes pinned on you as heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black! You are no longer entitled to that honor...'

'Can someone please shut her up,' Sirius collapsed miserably down onto the chair at the kitchen table.

'Sirius?' James persisted, 'Why sodomite?'

'James...' Mrs Potter called her son in warning before turning her concerned eyes on Sirius.

'And as a consequence you are disowned and disinherited...'

'Please?!' Sirius pleaded as he buried his face into his hand in distress.

'Sodomite means you're shagging blokes,' James continued with his features darkening with a frown.

'James!' Mrs Potter's caution became sterner.

'...effective immediately...'

Sirius groaned.

'Why is she saying you've been shagging blokes?' Suspicion was tainting his friend's voice now.

'You are not to step foot in your ancestral home again...'

'Shut up, shut up, shut up...' the distressed boy chanted.

'Sirius...?'

'Shut up, shut up, shut up...'

'You are not to go near your brother...'

'Sirius, you're not a sodomite? Are you?'

'James Potter this is your last warning to shut your mouth!' James' mother fumed at her son.

'You will no longer associate yourself with the Black family name!'

'I just want to know what his mum means? It isn't true, is it?' James implored his best friend but Sirius couldn't bare to look at him.

'Are you Sirius?'

'As far as we're concerned we have only one son!'

It was then that Sirius' body began to shake.

'You are dead to us!'

'SIRIUS?!'

It was then that he and Mrs Potter reacted at the same time.

'Yes!' the dark haired boy jumped to his feet and roared in the direction of his friend just as Mrs Potter cried out a furious 'Incendio' as she pointed her wand at the offending howler. Both boys turned in shock just in time to see the parchment burst into flames before crumbling to ash onto the floor.

'James Potter get up to your room this instant!' the matriarch turned her temper towards her son.

'But... But...' 

'Now!' she enunciated slowly to show just how serious she was being.

Sirius couldn't bare to look as his friend stood and stared at him, no doubt in confusion, hurt and anger. It was when Mrs Potter pulled up a chair to sit next to him and began to rub his back soothingly that he knew James had retreated from the room.

'Sirius, darling, are you okay?'

'You tell me?' 

'What she said to you in that letter... No mother should say that to their son! Those hurtful, retched things!' Mrs Potter cried out in indignation, 'It was despicable!'

'It was all true,' he found himself confessing in a small voice, not daring to look at his friend's mother. She was silent for a few moments before letting out a huge sigh. 

'I thought some of it might have been, yes,' she said wearily.

'You what?' Sirius head snapped up in shock. Surely he hadn't heard her properly?

'James may have inherited his bad eyesight from both myself and Harold but his inability to see what's right in front of him comes solely from his father,' she began explaining cryptically as she continued to stroke Sirius' back, 'I had my suspicions when you boys stayed for the Easter break.'

The blush flared immediately over the dark haired boy's face.

'It always made me smile how devoted you and Jamie were -still are- to one another but back in April I noticed how much your attention was diverted towards another. It wasn't the same way you'd look at Jamie; there was something else there, something softer.'

Mrs Potter's hand moved to stroke the back of his head; a gesture of comfort he vaguely remembered his own mum offering when he was a small child. It touched him that his friend's mother would try to offer the same comfort despite the revelations that had come to light over the last fifteen minutes. 

'Then there was the morning I popped my head in the guest room to find you and Remus snuggled in bed together,' she chuckled at the more damning evidence.

'You did?' Sirius cringed, convinced he was radiating heat strong enough for James' mother to feel.

'Yes and I must ask you that from now on you respect the same rules as the ones we ask James to follow.'

'You mean...' the young Gryffindor perked up not quite believing his ears.

'It means that whilst you're living under this roof there'll be no more sleepovers of that kind of nature, just like It is for James with girls.'

'Mrs Potter, I still like girls,' Sirius confessed sheepishly, 'I just happen to like Remus too.'

She regarded him for a moment and he began to fidget a little under her gaze.

'I must confess that this whole notion of... well the nature of your relationship with Remus is a little new for me. When I was younger men were locked up for such practices, both in the wizarding and muggle world,' she explained as she charmed the contents of the teapot to re-heat itself, 'Acceptance in the eyes of the law is a relatively new thing, acceptance within day to day life, however, is dragging it's heels a little.'

'I know that,' Sirius nodded, 'The way some people have treated Remus at school has been disgusting.'

'So he's -what do people call it- come out? He's proud of who he is?'

'He didn't really have a choice,' the ashamed young man squirmed in his seat, 'The whole common room walked in on us arguing and heard. It's just that they only heard it so they assumed it was just Remus and not me.'

Mrs Potter went back to looking at him silently.

'I see,' she pursed her lips before continuing, 'And you didn't want them to know about you too?'

'I didn't even know properly,' Sirius sighed uncomfortable with the whole sorry mess, 'I just thought that... We were... I still liked girls, I still do! I've never fancied another boy before! It's just all so bloody...'

'Confusing,' Mrs Potter finished for him with a sympathetic smile, 'So is this why you and Remus have had a falling out? Jamie mentioned you haven't spoken all summer but was a bit vague about the details.'

Anguish flooded the run away once again, 'No... Well kind of... He thought I'd done something to get him into trouble because I was ashamed of him... That I wanted to get rid of him in lieu of others finding out. But I didn't! I swear I didn't!'

'What did you do?'

'That I can't tell you Mrs Potter,' Sirius told her; shame faced, 'Running my mouth off has gotten me into enough trouble in the past. Trust me it's something I'm not proud of and it's something I don't think Moony will ever forgive me for.'

'From what I know about Remus, I think he's compassionate enough to finally forgive you at some point.'

'You wouldn't be saying that if you know what I'd done,' Sirius said miserably.

'I'm sure, regardless, it's still true,' she said kindly before changing the subject, 'So how did your mother find out?'

'That bloody git Regulus!' Sirius seethed through clenched teeth, 'He tricked me into telling him, the bastard!'

'Sirius, please mind your language,' Mrs Potter admonished him gently, 'And she believed him?'

'Yes! She believes everything the bleeding little f... Twerp tells her, always has. Then she and my father forced me to take Veritaserum...'

The gasp that came from Mrs Potter stopped Sirius mid sentence and it was then that James announced his position from outside the kitchen door.

'THEY DID WHAT?!' he roared in outrage as he burst into the room.

'They forced me to take Veritaserum,' Sirius repeated, feeling a little confused at the severe reaction he was facing, 'It's not as if it was the first time. They made me take it at Christmas in first year, to make sure I hadn't asked the sorting hat to place me into Gryffindor. Except this time they had to put me into a full body bind to do it.'

This set James off again, 'What!! Why did you never tell me this?'

'I thought I did,' Sirius admitted a little uncertainly.

'No!' James stopped his pacing, 'You didn't! Fuck Sirius, even I know how bad that is!'

'Is it?' he turned to Mrs Potter, who still had her hands over her mouth in shock.

'Yes,' she was finally able to reply, 'Yes. Even giving it to adults can lead to mental instability of some sort but giving it to children!'

'But.. But I'm fine!' Sirius insisted somewhat fearfully, 'I'm no more mentally unstable than any of the rest of my family!'

'No offence mate, but that's not a high standard of comparison,' James snorted and then began shaking his head in disgust again, 'Mum, we can't let them get away with this!'

'No, no... We won't,' she replied still somewhat in a daze over what she had just heard.

'I don't want you to put yourself in any trouble,' Sirius insisted, knowing full well how the Black's dealt with 'trouble'.

'Are you fucking kidding me!' James reeled, 'It's practically child abuse! No, actually, it is child abuse!'

'It's not exactly the worst thing they've done to me,' Sirius admitted sheepishly bringing James to a momentary still for a moment.

'I'm going to kill them!' he announced in a rage, 'I'm going to fucking AK your mother the next time I see her!'

'JAMES POTTER!' Miriam was finally pulled out of her stunned state by her son's harsh words, 'You will do no such thing! I will not have you speaking in such a way! No matter who the recipients are! Do you hear me?!' 

'But Mum!'

'THERE WILL BE NO AK-ING OF MRS BLACK OR Of ANY OF THE BLACKS OR OF ANYBODY ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!' she yelled at the top of her lungs, 'DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!'

'Yes mum,' James huffed petulantly, leaving Sirius somewhat amused, 'I promise I won't murder anyone.'

'Good!' Miriam nodded indignantly, 'Now I'm going to leave you two to talk about this and Sirius, darling, we'll have a chat about what happened last night when Harold comes home. We'll decide what's for the best all together.'

Sirius' heart sank in his chest. He'd got the impression Mrs Potter had allowed to let him stay despite knowing the true nature of departure from his home at Grimauld Place. Maybe that wasn't the case after all? 

He gave a small nod of understanding and then Mrs Potter left the room; leaving him to face James alone. The two boys stood gazing at one another.

 

'So all this time, you've what, been in love with Lupin?'

Sirius didn't answer James verbally, but his frown of dismay worked just as well in making his feelings clear. Shock registered somewhere at the back of James' mind. He'd suspected something was going on but he'd presumed it had been of a nature of Sirius not accepting his friend's preferences rather than sharing them. It certainly seemed that way with the whole Snape fiasco.

'So that whole business with Snape...'

'I wasn't trying to get Remus killed!' Sirius' defense was quick, 'Christ I wasn't even trying to get bloody Snivelus killed! I just...I... He'd overheard us! He'd heard us arguing about us and he threatened to tell everyone and I...I panicked! I panicked but I didn't want him dead! I just wanted to wipe that fucking smile off his gitty face! I just wasn't thinking straight!'

James restrained himself from picking up on the pun and instead began to understand how deep this falling out between his two friend's really ran.

'And now I've completely fucked it up! Everything! He won't even acknowledge I'm alive when before...he...we... Christ! I treated him like shit! Before everything got ruined. I was a complete arse about everything!'

'How do you mean?'

James watched as his friend dragged his hands over his face in anxiety.

'I'm the reason he and Lana split up. On his birthday, when they first went together, I realised what had happened and so I... We...'

'You had sex with him!' James shouted out, forgetting that his mother was only a few rooms away, 'When?!'

'When you and Pete were in detention,' Sirius cringed, 'We didn't set out to... We just got carried away... The thought of him and her together on his birthday made me so... Jealous and angry. More jealous of anyone i've ever been James and then next thing I knew we were kissing and getting carried away and then he asked me to...'

'Please spare me the details!' James cried out in panic, 'I'm trying to get over the shock of this without having that mental image seared into my memory thanks.'

Well Sirius at least had the decency to look affronted, 'Sorry'.

'I just don't get it Padfoot,' James shook his head, 'One minute you're chasing girls and the next thing... You don't think he used the confundus charm on you, do you?'

Sirius looked stricken and James immediately knew he'd said the wrong thing.

'I'm sorry,' he immediately apologised, 'I know Moony would never do that in a million years. I'm just struggling to get my head around this. You've always been someone I thought I knew everything about and now it turns out I don't know you at all!'

And again, he'd said the wrong thing.

'Listen I'm just really, really confused,' he finally settled on and launched himself into a seat at the kitchen table.

'Maybe we should start a club then,' Sirius tried at a joke but James could tell his heart really wasn't in it.

'I can't believe my mum spotted this and I never! She only see's the pair of you a few times a year and I've been living with you for the last six years!' James grumbled after a lull in the conversation.

'Well she did walk in on us apparently.'

James' ears went bright pink, 'I can't believe you had sex with Remus in my house. That bed is getting set on fire!'

Sirius straightened in his seat and looked into his friend's eyes challengingly, 'And what if it had been with a bird, would you still be saying the same? Truthfully?'

James really didn't know how to answer that one without causing any more offense.

'Of course you wouldn't be! You'd be patting me on the back! You'd be listening at the door whilst I was going at it!'

'I certainly won't be doing that with you and Lupin,' James looked a little green at the prospect.

'Thank god, you dirty little pervert,' Sirius sighed in mock relief and then his face fell, 'Not that there's any chance of that happening anyway. He absolutely hates me now.'

Sympathy flooded James now, 'I'm sure he doesn't hate you.'

'You only sound marginally more convinced of that than I am,' Sirius replied solemnly, 'You saw him with me those last few weeks of school. He won't even answer my letters either.'

'He didn't answer my owl last night either,' James admitted and Sirius buried his face in his arms on top of the table.

'He's never going to forgive me,' he gave a muffled groan from his position.

'Just give it time,' James advised him, 'What you did was pretty shit but Remus is a good bloke. He'll come around eventually.'

Sirius turned his head so that he was now looking at his friend, 'And are you?'

'What do you mean?'

'Coming around to the idea of all this? Are we going to be alright?'

'I'm trying my best,' James sighed, 'I truly, really am.'

'You accepted Remus,' Sirius frowned, 'Why not me?'

'Because Lupin has always been, you know, different on some level. Him being gay was just another way he was different to the rest of us.'

'You know he still likes girls,' Sirius pointed out, 'So he's not strictly gay. Neither am I.'

'I'm not exactly up-to-date with the terminology mate. It's a miracle I'm remembering not to call him a fag half the time!'

Sirius gave him a disapproving look and James couldn't help but sigh in exasperation.

'Baby steps, alright,' he reasoned with his friend, 'I like to consider myself a modern man Sirius but finding out your two best mates are -were- shagging when you had absolutely no clue is a lot to get over! Let me get over the shock then you can start lecturing me on how I've to address your future boyfriends!'

'Don’t you listen? I don't fancy other blokes! It's just Remus!'

James looked at his friend skeptically, 'So you're only bent for him?'

'Yes!' 

'So you're not going to start fancying me?'

'I've managed to restrain myself so far,' Sirius drawled sarcastically, 'And something tells me the prat you're being just now isn't making it likely in the future!'

'Hey I'm just making sure you're not going to get a stiffy over me in the locker room showers!'

The look of death on Sirius' face was enough to make James wish he could take his words back.


	22. Feelings, Conversations and a Little Backseat Action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius are both having doubts and James is trying to deal with feelings. The real kind. Ones that make you cry. Yuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Another chapter right here for you all! Thanks so much for all the comments, they really did help me crack on with this chapter so thanks for the encouragement! I hope you enjoy this next bit. Just a touch of Remus then it's Sirius and James focussed cause they are best mates 4 lyf! 4 Eva and Eva! Ha ha! Let me know what you think!

CHAPTER 22 – Feelings, Conversations and a Little Backseat Action

Remus fiddled with the corner of a cardboard coaster as he wondered whether or not it was a good idea for him to have arrived so early. He wasn't due to meet Oscar for another fifteen minutes and had been sitting in The Leaky Cauldron for the better part of an hour, but the best opportunity for him to escape out through the fireplace had presented itself and he’d have been a fool not to take advantage of that. He'd vaguely mentioned to his mother that he had plans to go out that afternoon and had been cautious not divulge too much information to her about the details. Remus was a skilled liar but that didn't necessarily mean he liked lying to his mum. So he'd waited for her to be out of the living room – where the family fire place was annoyingly situated in the Lupin cottage – and had called a hasty goodbye to her while she was in the other room. It just so happened that that then made him incredibly early for his… whatever this was with Oscar.

The pair had kept contact so far during the summer holidays with near daily owls. At first Remus had wondered if that had been the best thing to do. Wasn't that a little too keen? He didn't even send that many owls to his friends over the holidays let alone someone he was just getting to know. Then again he did actually want to get to know Oscar and he supposed frequent correspondences was going to be the best way to do that. Oscar was funny in his letters and clever and witty and at times, well, let's just say he never left the letters lying around for his mum and dad to find, that was for sure. Anyway, they had owled one another frequently over the first ten days or so of the summer holidays and they had agreed that it would be a good idea if they met up so there he was. Waiting to meet up with Oscar, his friend.  
His friend… His friend that he liked to kiss… not that they had done too much of that. The last time had been on the train and then there had been that first time in the DADA classroom. So they were friends who happened to have kissed twice and sent some letters of questionable content to one another. At this point they were nothing more. Just two lads, who happened to kind of like each other a bit, who were meeting up. That's what friends do. They spend time together.

Remus continued to fidget with the coaster. He supposed the thing that was really playing on his mind was, well, did he want want Oscar to be more than a friend? He was fairly certain Oscar was up for being more than just friends; he'd even stated so on the train journey right before that last kiss, but he had implied it would just be on a casual basis and that's what Remus was having trouble with. There was a number of reasons for this. The last time he had just had something casual with someone Remus had ended up heartbroken and looking like a compete fool. He had become way too invested in it and it had ended up ruining one the best friendships he had ever had. Secondly, he hadn't exactly recovered from the fall out from all of that. If he was being truly honest with himself he still missed Sirius something dreadful and couldn't deny that sometimes, when approaching the end of Oscar’s letters, he wished that another signature was scrawled along the bottom and that wasn't fair on Oscar. He liked him too much for that, but he liked him too much to walk away from… whatever the hell this was. 

On that frustrating thought Remus glumly looked around his surroundings. The Leaky Cauldron was still pretty busy considering the lunch time trade had passed and he had been lucky to get a table. He supposed the rain outside was probably what was keeping the punters inside; might as well wet your whistle inside to save you from getting wet outside. He took in the sight of the other patrons. There was a few familiar faces of regulars Remus remembered from his visits from summers gone by; Tom was stood dutifully behind the bar chatting to a few witches who were just on the right side of almost being hags; there were some staff he recognised from the Diagonal Alley branch of Flourish and Blotts having an intense discussion about Merlin knew what; plenty of witches and wizards he didn't know and then, he realised, a familiar face indeed. A face who was looking back at him with the same look of recognition he was no doubt wearing. It belonged to his Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Lexter, and he was now making his way over to his table.

‘Ah Mr Lupin! I trust you're enjoying the summer holidays?’ 

Remus looked up and smiled tightly at his professor. It wasn't that he didn't like the man; in fact, Professor Lexter was probably his favourite member of the Hogwarts staff after Professor McGonagall and Hagrid. It was just that he was a little anxious about having someone who knew him witness him on this –whatever this was- with Oscar. 

‘Yes sir,’ he tried for a little more warmth with a more genuine smile.

‘Grown a little bored of the Welsh countryside? I'd have thought the fresh air would do you good?’

And that was one of the things that Remus liked about this particular teacher, unlike some of the Hogwarts staff, he openly recognised Remus’ condition. Well, he never spoke about it in front of any other student, but he certainly wasn't squeamish about talking about it in private. Often he’d ask the werewolf to stay back a few moments after class to find out how he was, although he hadn't been doing so recently.

‘Well, you know, I thought I'd head back to the big smoke a few times so I can really appreciate my lungs not being filled with pollution. Otherwise I'll just become complacent and spoilt.’

He watched as the older man chuckled at his response. Leighton Lexter was probably in his mid-forties, relatively young for a Hogwarts teacher considering the oldest member of staff was rumoured to be approaching their hundredth birthday and another one was entirely dead. He was an athletic man, which probably came from his former career as a curse breaker, and when he laughed Remus could see it was with a sincerity that showed that he actually thought what Remus has said was genuinely funny. 

‘We don’t want your lungs getting sloppy, I suppose. My da’ used to say the same about the stench of manure on the fields back in when I were a lad. Always told us to take great lungfulls to exercise our lungs. Little did we know he was pulling our legs and delighted in us taking in the stench of horse and cow sh… excrement.’

Remus chuckled at the memory of his dad playing the same tricks on him back in Wales.‘He sounds like my dad.’

‘So are you taking in the beautiful scenery of the Cauldron on your lonesome or are you waiting on one of those friends of yours?’

'Waiting for a friend... a different one,’ and Remus was certain he saw the a little spark of understanding in his teacher’s eyes. So he knew about that aspect of Remus’ life too? He thought about clarifying that it really was just a friend but then Remus really wasn't certain if that was the case. He wasn't certain of anything when it came to Oscar.

‘So,’ the older man cleared his throat in an obvious attempt to change the conversation, ‘Are you looking forward to next terms Advanced Defence? This is the first year we’ve had students qualify for an advanced class in the subject. You should be proud.’

‘Well it is one of my favourite subjects,’ the werewolf replied modestly as he peered bashfully down into his drink.

‘Remus,’ the professor tried to appeal to him, ‘In all the years I've been teaching, which isn't as many as some of the staff granted, I can safely say you are the most talented student I’ve ever had. Ever.’

‘Sir…’

‘I dare say there's even some staff you can out perform in the subject…’

‘I don't know about that…’

‘And I don't know if your condition has something to do with that, or the fact that you're fiercely intelligent, but I know you've been having a hard time for other reasons this year…’

Remus shut his mouth at that.

‘And I just want to advise you to not let the bastards grind you down. My brother is the same as you, you see, and he's currently one of the best aurors the Ministry has. So keep your chin up Mr Lupin and keep up the good work. I particularly liked your work on Sommer Rudin on the second to last day. That little shit’s been due a good hexing since third year.’

And Remus really was gobsmacked at that. It seemed like many of the Hogwarts staff were unofficially rooting for his own special brand vigilante justice. He was so shocked that he didn't see the arrival of Oscar, who breezed through the door of the Leaky Caldron in muggle clothing, slightly wilder hair than he’d wear at school; and a tan gained from the makeshift football pitches of the Stoke housing estate he lived in. 

‘Oh there appears to be a young man making his way over to us,’ Professor Lexter woke him from his shock, ‘A Mr Thawley if my eyes aren't deceiving me.’

‘Oh… yeah… er we…’ Remus couldn't understand why he felt so squeamish about Oscar or about what it mattered to his professor anyway? 

‘Say no more. I was a young lad once. What happens in the summer holidays stay in the summer holidays, you don't need your teacher prying into your business. Have a good one and I'll see you in September.’

 

-

James stood in the doorway of his best friend’s new bedroom – the room next to his own – and felt a wave of despair as he took in the sight which lay before him. There Sirius was, as he had been for the last few days since he’d arrived, lying on his bed looking utterly miserable. James was all for a good lie in on the summer holidays but it had just gone ten past three in the afternoon and the whole reality of having his best friend actually live with him was not living up to his initial expectations. Okay, fair enough Sirius had been going through a hard time what with him being disowned, outed and heartbroken but James had thought he'd have at least be allowed to try and take his mind off of things. They’d barely spent any time together for James to even try. 

Well that was going to change.

‘Come on mate, let's go do something,’ he suggested as he entered into the room and plonked himself down on the foot of his friend’s bed.

‘’S’raining,’ the boy mumbled into his pillow, ‘Nothing to do.’

‘Except mope around apparently,’ James retorted under his breath which caused his friend to roll around on the bed to face him.

‘’M not moping,’ he pouted but on James’ raised eyebrow quickly relented, ‘alright I'm sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind just now.’

‘So let's do something to help you forget about it for a while!’

‘Like what?’

‘Like… The dance down at the scout hall. Anna next door told me there's another disco tonight and asked if we wanted to go.’

‘I don't know,’ the grey eyed boy looked a little anxious.

‘Sirius, you lying around not living your life is not going to help you get over this whole thing about Remus or even help make amends. You’re not doing yourself any favours here. You’re just making yourself miserable!’

James waited for a few moments for his pensive looking friend to reply but nothing came.

‘He isn't going to be doing the same, you know,’ he continued but hesitated from continuing for a few seconds as he considered whether what he was about to say was going to be cruel or kind. On the basis that Sirius seemed to be stuck in a rut he decided to plough on, ‘I kind of got the impression he was seeing someone, just before we left for the holidays.’

And yet again he waited for a response as a host of emotions flitted over the pale skin of the other boy and hoped he hadn't just broken him even further.

‘I know,’ the disowned heir finally admitted, ‘I saw him on the train on the way home. He was with someone. It was Oscar, Oscar Thawley.’

‘From Ravenclaw?’ James knew he was blinking like a flaming owl but he really was shocked, ‘I didn't know he was a p… qu… gay. Are you sure?’

‘They were snogging,’ Sirius elaborated morosely, ‘in that carriage usually reserved for prefect meetings. So yeah, you're right.’

‘Oh…’ James was dumbfounded. Seemed like there was this whole secret world of gays at Hogwarts that he was completely unaware of. He’d always just assumed that boys liked girls and girls liked boys and that was the way it was. Well, until Remus… and then Sirius... and Arthur Weasley’s cousin of course.

‘Well there you go then. At the risk of sounding harsh, he’s not pining after you so you shouldn't do the same for him. You need to get yourself out there and move on.’

‘And that's going to happen at the bloody scout hall?’ Sirius questioned him skeptically.

‘You never know and it's a start at least! There might be plenty of…’ James wasn't sure how to end that sentence, ‘totty.’

‘Girls, James, I still like girls,’ Sirius corrected him peevishly, ‘How many times do I have to say it?’

‘Plus Annabel will be there,’ James valiantly continued on. ‘Hey, you can try your luck with her!’

‘I thought Annabel was off limits?’ 

And yes, that was true. Ever since James and Sirius had met the girl a few summers ago when she had moved in that had been the rule. Sirius had been visiting and they had been lounging around in the sun of the front garden when they both spotted her at the same time, emerging from a moving van in a summer dress. The simultaneous cry of ‘dibs’ had marked the start of a potential precarious rivalry between the two boys so in the interest of preserving their friendship the rule had been put in place. It didn't stop them both flirting outrageously with her every holiday or the little competitions they had to see who could impress her the most. 

'I'm willing to step aside if it'll help you get back in the game.’

‘Really?’

‘Really. Just make it count, eh?’ He wagged his eyebrows to insinuate in what ways Sirius should make it count.

-

Sirius wasn't sure what he was doing there. Sure he’d agreed to it and usually he was the first to embrace a party but tonight…? His head was far too all over the place to even enjoy tonight. He knew James had a point about his moping and about trying to move on but he wasn't certain this was the best way of doing that. This whole thing with Annabel was a prime example of a BIG mistake.

There he was in the middle of the scout hall, with probably another hundred youngsters, dancing to something he vaguely recognised. Normally he loved a party but not tonight. He was dressed up in a pair of James’ finest jeans and his own cleanest shirt and he'd finally taken a shower for the occasion but he just wasn't feeling it. Something was just weighing him down too much. Annabel on the other hand was definitely feeling it. While every movement Sirius made with his body in order to dance felt laboured, the blonde was dancing as if she was free and having a whale of a time. 

Anna really was gorgeous. Sirius really was lucky to be out on the dance floor with her but something about it felt hollow. The reality of being with Anna was just… It… he just didn't want to be here. Not when he wanted to be here with someone else. He shook that thought from his head because that person certainly didn't want to be here with him; that person had someone else now. Maybe James had a point. Maybe it was time for him to move on, find someone who actually wanted him and judging by the way Anna had just slung her arms around his neck as she continued to dance, that someone could very well have been Anna.

Sirius decided to concentrate on that. He was here with a great girl so he really should make the most of it, shouldn't he? So why did the idea of making the most of it with her specifically make him feel, well, sick? Why did this gorgeous girl who was practically hanging off him make him feel uncomfortable in his own skin? Why did that look in her eyes –wide with invitation- fill him with absolute dread?

The answer to all these questions dropped heavily from his brain down into his stomach.

He needed to get out of there; he felt suffocated by this gorgeous girl’s arms around him; nauseated by the smell of her sweet perfume; and stifled by the party atmosphere of the room. Judging by the way Anna’s fingers were curling in the hair of the nape of his neck, he needed to leave that very instant before he did something he regretted. 

Reaching to take the girl’s from around him he muttered a gruff, ‘Sorry I need to go to the loo. Back soon,’ which he had no intention of doing. 

He pushed his way through the crowds of dancing teenagers and made a beeline for the gents toilets. If he could just get to the loo he could get his wand out and cast a quick spell to keep him dry for his walk back to the Potter’s house in the rain. Then he could get out of here.

‘Sirius!’ Came a cry from a voice he vaguely recognised as he passed through the cloakroom after leaving the toilets. He looked up to find Richard, Jessica from eater break’s cousin, sitting in among all of the coats and jackets. He had given James, Sirius and Annabel a lift down to the Scout Hall earlier, being friends with Anna. Sirius hadn't really spoken to him though. He found him to be a bit too shrill and obnoxious for his tastes but James had managed to have a bit of a laugh with him.

‘Hey,’ he smiled tightly at the effeminate young man, ‘why aren't you at the party?’

'The adults kind of frown at my little friend,’ he said waving a bottle of alcohol with a smirk, ‘Fancy joining us?’

-

James scanned the dark car park for any sign of his friend as Annabel shivered beside him. Where the hell had Sirius disappeared to? The last he had seen the boy he had been dancing with the blonde girl but she had said that he had excused himself mid dance for the toilet and hadn’t seen him since. That was nearly an hour ago apparently.

‘You don’t think he’s walked back do you?’ Anna’s voice shook as she wrapped her arms around herself and James felt bad for the girl. She was a in a pretty slinky dress with next to no material and he didn’t even have a jacket with him to cover her up.

‘Listen, why don’t I walk you to Richard’s car?’ He offered, remembering the boy saying how the locks didn’t work in it earlier when he had driven the group to the Scout Hall, ‘It must be a bit warmer in there and you can sit while I have a quick scout around for him. Maybe Richard’s at the car too? He did say to get him there at the end of the night.’

‘Only if you don’t mind,’ his neighbour smiled meekly at him; relief shining from her eyes.

The pair crossed the near empty car park in silence. The ground looked oil slicked due to the combination of rain and the amber glow coming from the lamp posts which surrounded the perimeter of the concrete square. James’ mind raced as he thought about where his best mate could possibly be. Perhaps he had walked home in the dark? He’d been in a bit of a downer of a mood earlier and when James thought about it he did kind of force the boy to come along to the disco. He had just been convinced that his friend needed a little fun and little company to keep his mind of the Moony situation, not to mention the whole situation about him being disowned by his family. Sirius had been adamant that he still liked girls and the pair of them had been practically drooling over Annabel for a good few years now. He had been convinced Sirius would have jumped at the chance to seduce her when James had stepped back from their little understanding earlier. Yet he hadn’t, so maybe he really had been in the frame of mind to abandon the party?

It was on that thought that the two teenagers reached the car and James, being the true gentleman that he was, opened the mercifully unlocked door for the young woman. It was when he had the door fully swung open with Anna just about to slide into the passenger chair that two figures in the back seat sprang apart in the darkness. To say it had been a shock would have been the understatement of the year. Both James and Anna jumped out of their skin at the unexpected appearance of the two figures, and as light from the lampposts filtered into the car they were both shocked to see who the two figures belonged to and the state of their undress. James stared dumbly as both Sirius and Richard scrambled to put their clothes on but he could see that in his peripheral vision that Annabel had turned her body so that she couldn’t witness what was going on.

‘James!’ Sirius finally broke the silence as he pulled his shirt on the best he could in the cramped space of the backseat and it was then that he caught the stench of alcohol wafting from the boy. His eyes were pretty unfocussed James had noticed now that his own shock had subdued a little. ‘We were just…’

‘We were looking for you,’ he spoke over what he knew was about to be a lie. He just wanted to forget he had ever witnessed what he had just seen but he had a sinking suspicion that it probably wouldn’t be the last time he’d find his friend in an uncompromising position with another bloke. ‘The disco’s finished so it’s time to go home.’ And if that last part sounded more like a command than a statement of a piece of information, James really didn’t care.

Needless to say the drive home was more than a little awkward. Since it transpired that Richard was just as drunk as Sirius, it was decided that Anna would take the wheel since she knew how to drive. James sat in the back with his friend and tried desperately not to think about what had probably been happening right where he sat. Sirius, he could see again from his peripheral vision, spent the entire journey just staring at him. His eyes were large and pleading and when James finally turned to look at him silently he found that they appeared to be filled with unshed tears.

They said their goodbyes, albeit awkwardly, to both Richard and Anna and watched as the pair walked into the front porch of the Wilson’s home. Since Richard was in no fit condition to get himself home Anna had offered to put him up in her spare room. There was no way he was going to be sleeping in any at James’ house. 

To this point, Sirius was yet to say a word and was still staring at his best friend as if he were terrified to takes his eyes off him.

‘Let’s talk,’ James eventually sighed and took out his wand to dry off a patch on the wet grass so that they could sit down on it. 

‘So…’ he started when it was clear Sirius wasn’t going to be the one to, ‘I’ve got to say… well I understand that you like blokes now and all that but I never thought you’d throw Anna over for one; especially for someone like Richard.’

Sirius made absolutely no response to that and instead kept his watery eyes trained on something in the distance.

‘I really need you to say something here mate because I’m a little unsure what to say after I’ve seen you bollock naked with another bloke. I understand that’s what this whole bisexual thing is gonna entail for you, I just didn’t realise how much of the practical side I was gonna have to see of it.’

And still Sirius said nothing.

‘I wasn’t lying when I said I was trying my best to understand but I’m confused. We’ve both fancied Anna for years now so why were you with him and not her? She’d have probably let you, you know? But she said you just disappeared to the toilet and that you didn’t go back to her. Why did you do that?’

Nothing still.

‘She’s gorgeous.’

Not a thing. James started to get annoyed now.

‘Sirius, just fucking say something, will you?’

‘’m gay.’ It was said so quietly and mournfully that James wasn’t certain he’d heard him properly. James turned to see his teary eyed friend was still staring into the distance as if in a trance.

‘What?’

‘’m gay James,’ Sirius said a bit more clearly and turned to face him now. He looked absolutely petrified. James couldn’t tell if it was from that very fact, from saying it out or from the reaction he was going to give to it. Maybe it was all three? Not for the first time that night, James was confused.

‘You’ve already told me that. How drunk are you?’

‘No,’ the drunk young man shook his head miserably, ‘You don’t understand. I’m gay. I don’t like birds.’

Oh.

Okay.

‘At all?’

‘Not even a bit,’ the somber young man sniffed as he shook his head. James took a moment to let this sink in. He was still confused. Sirius had been adamant that he still liked girls and somehow this made all… a bit easier to accept. But now?   
‘I don't get it,’ he admitted, ‘So what, have you been lying about that?’

‘No,’ the upset boy shook his head vehemently, ‘Not to you at least. I just… I wanted it to be true so much that I couldn't face facts. Fancying a bloke seemed so much less scary when I could rationalise that I still liked birds, that I'm like other blokes in some ways but the truth is, I haven't liked them for a while now. Then tonight I was dancing with Anna and she was all over me and she wasn't doing a thing for me. Not a single thing. The thought of kissing her made me feel… disgusting!’

‘That's not Anna’s fault,’ James felt the need to defend the girl.

‘I know! It's mine!’ Sirius conceded, ‘And she's a top bird and didn't need me to be leading her on. So I made my excuses…’

‘And went looking for Richard?’ James accused, ‘The bloke’s a prat!’ 

‘Not on purpose!’ And the boy started to hiccup as he spoke which showed just how upset he was, ‘I came out of the loo and noticed he had a bottle of vodka stashed in the cloak room so I asked him for some. We went round the back of the hall and well, the next thing I knew, after a half a bottle we ended up kissing and then, well you know cause you found us in the car. He was just there and I realised I fancied someone like Richard more than someone brilliant like Anna.’

James didn't say a word. He needed a moment to process all of this. All those times he and Sirius had ogled at the girls at Hogwarts; all those times the had admired Anna in her swimsuit during the summer holidays. They were supposed to get old and find birds that'd be best mates too and get married and be one another's best men. That's what James had always secretly hoped for, as sappy as it was. Even after finding out about Sirius and Remus’ little thing, whatever it was, he still had hope. He kind of thought all of that was going to turn out to be a phase, if he were absolutely honest. He knew how much his disowned friend liked to defy convention. But now… this? This was real. This was permanent. This was a lifestyle James never envisioned for the other young man. Was he alright with that? He was with Remus because Remus was Remus and was always bound to have an unordinary life. Now James was expected to sit by and watch as his best friend lived one too. One not always accepted in society. One where he’d have a ‘boyfriend’ not a girlfriend; one where James would have to make nice with said ‘boyfriend’; one where Sirius would never get married. Would Sirius tell him every sordid detail of his sex life with blokes just like he did now; or used to do? Oh Merlin, he didn't think he could cope with that! And he'd have to be friends with whatever bloke he chose. What if he was a right fairy like Richard? Oh no. Oh shit.

James shook himself from his panicky thoughts and turned to look at his friend. His body was shaking and his head was bowed down into his bent knees; he was crying. All selfish thoughts were banished at the sight of him and was replaced with concern. Sirius never cried. Ever. This was bad.

‘Shush, come on mate,’ he placed a hand on his friend’s bowed back and when Sirius failed to respond James forcibly pulled him to him so he could envelope him in a hug, ‘Don't cry. It's going to be alright.’

‘I hate it. I hate that I'm like this,’ a small voice sobbed into his chest, ‘I'm a freak.’

‘Come now,’ James soothed, ‘you've always been a freak. That's why we all like you so much.’

Sirius didn't laugh at the joke but James knew he appreciated it judging by the way that he clung to their hug just that little bit tighter.

‘Everything's going to be okay,’ James said into the other boy’s hair, ‘You’ll always be my best mate.’  
-

 

Three weeks later, since what James privately called ‘the garden meltdown’, found James and Sirius throwing themselves down on to the same patch of grass after a long game of Quaffle pitching. Nothing much had happened since that night. The two boys had carried out their summer almost as if the incident had never happened; with the exception of James occasionally asking if Sirius fancied any of the blokes in whatever Quidditch match they were listening to on the Wizarding Wireless and Sirius occasionally trying his best to freak James out by pretending he was going to snog him by going right up close to his best mate and dodging his lips right at the last second to bite him on the cheek or ear or whatever part of the body his teeth could viscously latch on to. Yes, things were strangely normal between the infamous pair. They shared laughs, pranks even the occasional man hug; they couldn't be closer and that's what got James thinking.

 

,Pads?' 

'Yeah?' Sirius turned to look at the boy who was panting for air besides him.

'Why not me?' James turned his head slightly to look him in the eye, 'I mean the whole fancying blokes thing? Why not me? Why Remus?'

The question and the fact that it was quite obviously a serious one made the disowned boy sit up slightly so that he was now resting on his elbows.

'Is that really your biggest concern Potter? Have I bashed your ego cause I don't flippin' fancy you?'

'No, listen...' The other boy sat up also, mimicking his friend's posture, 'What I mean is... Well it's always been us two hasn't it? We've always been joint at the hips. Everybody says so. We just clicked!'

'And...?'

'And well in a non poofy way we love each other so it might have been logical that out of all the blokes in the school that you'd fancy me. Plus I am a devilishly handsome beast of a man.'

The last comment earned him a playful shove and a laugh so full relief that James didn't know whether to be insulted or not.

'You're an absolute prat, that's what you are!' Sirius retorted in good humour before taking a moment to consider his real answer, 'Well I guess you're right. Even bloody Remus calls our meeting The Great Romance of First Year...' James lets out a snort of laughter, '...which isn't too far off really.'

'I shall always consider September the first as our anniversary, darling, even when I'm celebrating my golden one with Mrs Lily Potter.'

'Surely it won't take the appropriate authorities more than fifty years to arrest you for the kidnapping and forced marriage to Evans?'

'Ha ha!' James replied sarcastically before a playful grin broke over his features, 'I dunno though, the ministry are pretty dim at times.'

'Hmm... Maybe you'd be the perfect candidate for a job there then?'

'Oh scoff, scoff, scoff! Anyway you were saying...'

'Well I guess the real issue at hand is that we're too similar really. Fancying you would be like fancying myself,' Sirius chose to once again ignore his friend's chocked laughter, 'It would just be an absolute nightmare! All that ego! The sex would probably be fantastic...' He paused this time to take in the desired affect of James' astounded face, '...well for you anyway. I have a fantastic knob you see...'

'Enough! Get back to being serious!'

'I am,' Sirius wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

'Honestly though, why him? Why Remus?'

Sighing, Sirius pulled his knees to his chest and gazed out over the field. In the distance he could see the tire swing he and his friends had made the first summer they had visited Godrics Hollow and he knew just beyond that was the stream they'd soared over. Remus had been the one to come up with that idea and Sirius had named him the hero of the summer holidays; he'd never seen a swing let alone one made from a tire which swung so dangerously, and yet so brilliantly, into the clear blue skies of the West Country.

'He's just... Well you know... Remus... You know how brilliant he is!'

'I do,' James conceded, 'But that doesn't make me want to shag him.'

'Well... Shit James, I don't know? I just find him brilliant! He's not like anyone we know, is he? He's got all this stuff going on and he's had such a traumatic life and... and yet... He's got through it and isn't a complete weirdo because of it. He puts up with us too. I remember when we all first became friends and for a while I thought he was the odd one out. Me and you, we had the same fuck it all attitude and Pete was always willing to go along with anything we did but Remus wasn't. At first I thought he just wasn't one of us but then he helped us out with that brilliant prank we did during flying lessons and that's when I realised he was just like us; only more cunning and clever. He doesn't just go along with everything we do; he has his own mind. He's smart and funny and despite what we usually say, he's interesting. Nothing he's ever interested in is vapid. He's kind too and didn't just lord it over the firsties when he was a prefect just because he could and the thought of other people not seeing this when we get out of school and people find out he's a werewolf just kills me. He's had it so tough and it's going to be the same when this year is through but he's not afraid. I just don't know how he does it, you know? He's the bravest person I know and not just with the transformations. He was so brave when he realised he liked blokes and was different in another way. He kind of just got on with it whereas I... I totally messed everything up...'

Sirius buried his head into his knees on contemplating the last point.

'Come on Pads,' James tried to soothe his obviously distressed friend, 'He will forgive you.'

'Are you forgetting I nearly got him expelled and executed? Or that I nearly got you killed? Snivellus too?'

'But you didn't and I forgave you for that. We all make mistakes.'

'I just don't know what I would have done if something had actually happened and I lost the pair of you. I love you both you know.' Sirius shot the other boy with a look of sincerity and was answered by being dragged into a hug.

'I know,' James replied while his arms were wrapped around his best friend, 'Although you do love me in less of a 'wanting me to Rodger you up your backside' kind of way, and more of a manly 'we got each other's back' kind of way; right?'

Sirius laughed as he roughly pushed the bespectacled boy, 'Sod off Potter! Trust me I don't want you anywhere near my backside... I've seen how small your cock is.'

'It's not small you pillock!' James pushed him back before launching an attack on the disowned heir and quickly the pair were embroiled in a wrestling match.


	23. Unexpected Visitors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus recieves some unexpected visitors which puts his relationship with his parents to the ultimate test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay there's a few things I'd like to say first:
> 
> 1\. Thank you as always for the wonderful comments and kudos. I know I take a while to update but they really do keep me going.  
> 2\. This update was supposed to be finished at the beginning of the week but the news of David Bowie completely floored me. He is my ultimate hero. I'm devastated.  
> 3\. I mentioned in a comment that Sirius and Remus may be reunited in this chapter but the length was running away from me so I need to reign it in to get it finished. It will 100% be happening in the next chapter.  
> 4\. There's a lot of unpleasantness in this one. I don't want to give too much away but it may (or may not) upset some people. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. Much love all.

CHAPTER 23 – Unexpected Visitors

 

The day of the full moon in July was especially hot considering the time of year it was and as a result Remus was lying languidly on his bed. His shirt had been long discarded and his window pushed fully open in the hope that he could catch a breeze but it didn't seem to be bringing him any relief. He knew the temperature wouldn't necessarily be the same up in Scotland at the Shack, especially at night, but warm summer nights weren't ideal conditions for the wolf when it was a transformation where he’d need to be holed up inside instead of being able to roam around in the summer’s night. He could tell he had a long night of frustration ahead of him and a long afternoon if the weather did cool any.

He also had another problem; he was horny. It sounded crude and blunt, but it was true; he was horny. As he lay there sprawled out on his bed on a late Wednesday afternoon he couldn't think of a better way to put it. He was horny in that way that he wasn't exactly walking about with a raging hard on, but in a way that every other muscle in his body was aching and yearning in a way which told his brain that if he just gave himself some release he would feel better, at least for a little while. Trouble was he’d already locked himself in the bathroom twice and that hadn't seemed to do much good at all.

Since he was about thirteen, maybe closer to fourteen, he had began to feeling angsty in the lead up to his transformation in a way which differed from his childhood years. It was all down to puberty, that much he knew but he had no idea if it was going to be something that he'd need to endure into his adult life. Teenage boys were randy at best, teenage werewolves seemed to be a different matter altogether. It hadn't been so bad before he had lost his virginity. He couldn't really miss what he had yet to experience and then even after that he had a willing partner in Sirius. But during those last two months since he'd fallen out with the other boy, it had been almost like pure torture. He had tried valiantly to go back to his old method of self-satisfaction but it just wasn't cutting it. There was nothing better than having someone else to release tension with; someone else to rub, suck, fuck, whatever…

Oh Gods he had to take his mind off it. There were only so many furtive wanks he could have before his parents caught on to what he was doing and that was just plain awkward.

So there he was. Just lying there and vegetating in the heat. Too warm to be outside. Too warm to be inside. Too lazy to move a muscle.

‘Remus son!’ The voice of his father broke the through the silence of his room, ‘you’ve got a visitor!’

-

‘I know this must be a bit of a surprise,’ Oscar said as he walked behind Remus as he strode across the field next to Lupin cottage, ‘I should have sent an owl or something, but we’re visiting my Nan in Chester and it's not too far away to apparate from… I just thought… sorry I really didn't think it'd be a problem…’

‘S’not a problem,’ Remus called over his shoulder and it really wasn't. True, it wasn't ideal to have visitors who didn't know about his condition on the days around the full moon but the way Remus had been feeling, he couldn't be more glad to see the other boy.

‘It's just that,’ Oscar copied Remus by vaulting over the fence which bordered the field, ‘you seem a bit… put out that I'm here. You're barely speaking.’

Remus ambled down a small gradient in the next hill and turned to the other boy with an expression which stated he expected him to follow him. Oscar picked a path down the sloping grass, ‘I feel like I should have owled,’ he told the quieter boy.

‘I think I've had enough owls from you,’ Remus moved in closer to the fretful boy and noticed a look of surprise in those soft eyes at the change of behaviour, ‘And we’ve definitely done enough talking.’

Kissing Oscar was exactly what the werewolf needed; he needed to devour someone and have them do the same to him. Their previous kisses had nothing on this one. Remus’ pent up frustration was causing him to kiss the boy roughly which Oscar only seemed too willing to mimic. 

‘Not that I’m complaining,’ the surprised wizard panted as Remus began kissing and biting at his neck, ‘but what’s brought this on? Usually I'm the forward one.’

‘I just missed you,’ the werewolf growled into his neck, ‘and I'm really fucking horny.’

‘I can see that,’ the brunette chuckled, ‘My letters must have done the trick.’

‘Like you wouldn't believe,’ came the reply from Remus, talking as he greedily bit at the other’s boys lips and his hands grabbed at as much flesh as he could. Now that he had him here he needed to taste and touch every part of him. Now and all at once. He didn't even feel guilty about it. He and Oscar knew where each other stood. If this was gonna be about sex, and God did Remus need that right now, then so be it. Sirius had managed to use him in the same way with no remorse; at least Remus’ conscience would be clear.

In a whirlwind of hands shirts were being whipped off ; hands were sliding across bodies and they were panting into one another’s mouths. The boys then dragged one another down on to the brilliant green grass of the field. It was a perfect spot for getting up to something you shouldn't be doing, Remus mused to himself. The sloping decline of the hill hid them from the unsuspecting eyes of his parents and there wasn't another house for at least another half mile.

‘Fuck you’re so gorgeous like this Lupin,’ the green eyed boy panted from his position underneath the werewolf’s body, ‘I always thought you were cute but you're fucking hot like this.’

Remus responded with a kiss as searing as the climate and as the sun beat down on his bare back he began to unzip Oscar’s flannel shorts. When Remus had first seen him standing on the porch it had taken all his strength not to stare at the boys muscular, tanned legs in front of his father; or his arse for that matter. Now he was going to see a lot more of the boy and he hadn't the patience to wait another second. 

'What are you going to do to me?’ Oscar groaned as Remus freed him from the tight restraint of his clothing.

‘Feel you,’ All eloquence had abandoned Remus’ usually sharp mind, ‘Against me.’ He roughly tugged at his own cords and his underwear to make this happen as soon as possible, and after a small fight with trying to free his left foot from his damn clothing he was ready to get started. 

Oscar’s dick felt gloriously hard against Remus’ thigh and after a few attempts at lining themselves up it felt even better sliding against his own member. He could barely take his eyes off their dicks rubbing together. No matter how many times he had done this with Sirius the sight of this happening always gave Remus a buzz of elicit pleasure. He had been drunk that first time with Sirius but he remembered the terrifying realisation that the sight of another man’s cock was something that thrilled him. 

'You're quite big,' Oscar murmured in his lustful haze, ‘bigger than me. I'd let you fuck me with that… if you wanted to.’

And God did he want to. When thinking about the prospect of being with Oscar in this way Remus hadn't really reached a conclusion with what he’d prefer to do. He’d always enjoyed experiencing sex as the recipient and the giver. He basically liked it any way that Sirius would give him. Now though, the idea of him being the one to fuck this boy, this young man, senseless seemed like the only logical thing for him to do.

‘Alright,’ he growled but continued to slide against the other boy; feeling reluctant to give up on what he was already experiencing despite the prospect of feeling something even better. Because it would be better. Maybe if he fucked someone else he could blow all lingering thoughts he had about Sirius from his mind. Yeah… that could work. Yeah, it would...

‘Remus?’ A familiar voice cut through the fog in the werewolf’s mind, although he had trouble placing it without looking for its source. There it stood. There he stood; Remus’ father who looked completely shell shocked at what he was witnessing. The undressed boy jolted into action the second his brain caught up with the realisation of what this meant. His father had caught him practically shagging another bloke. He’d –shit- been caught doing something no father ever wanted to see. Fuck! Shit! Fuck!

Trying his best to keep his modesty, the auburn haired boy scrambled around to find his clothes as he babbled insanely about how he could explain while he was somewhat aware that Oscar was also dressing in a panicked haste. It was only when Remus had finally located his second shoe that his father finally spoke. With a stare that barely wavered and a voice which was forcefully calm, the older Lupin man announced ‘I think it's time your friend left. Dinner’s ready.’ 

Remus could only nod numbly as he watched his father turn away. He was in deep shit. If there was one thing he knew about his father was that the calmer he seemed; the angrier he was likely to be.

‘Remus?’ The voice of Oscar called from behind him and he turned to find the usually cocky boy looking absolutely terrified as he remained shirtless, ‘Are you going to be okay?’ 

‘Yeah,’ he replied absently as he turned to look at the receding figure of his father walk back over the field towards the cottage. He really fucking hoped so.

*

Thirty minutes later found Remus sitting at the dinner table in a silence so excruciatingly painful that he almost would have rather been in the middle of his transformation. To the right of him sat his father who was angrily stabbing at the last of the carrots on his plate and on the left was his mother who was sheepishly looking between the two Lupin men in between mouthfuls of her own dinner. Remus had caught his father quickly filling in his mother about what he had stumbled across when he had entered the house. He had caught the words ‘fucking poof!’ and ‘disgusting’ when he’d closed the door and had stood stock still in the hallway as he contemplated what he should do. It had been his mother who had popped her head through the kitchen door to remind him, as casually as she could, that he should wash up before joining them at the table.

So there he was slowly moving his food around his plate, appetite completely lost, trying his best to not look anyone in the face for fear of any awkward conversations being started. There sat the Lupins, with only the sound of two sets of cutlery scrapping dinner plates daring to break the oppressive silence. 

‘You should be able to get a few hours of sleep before the full tonight love,’ his mother eventually commented; making a desperate attempt to bring up his old summer full moon routine. He tried to reply but found himself unable to; his embarrassment too stifling. All he could manage was a weak smile down into his dinner plate…

‘Don't ignore your mother!’ John Lupin exploded, causing the other two diners to flinch in surprise. Remus finally turned to face his father who was glaring at him and he felt his embarrassment boil and bubble into something else; anger.

‘I wasn't!’ He snarled back.

‘And don't speak to me like that!’

'Same back!'

'Damn it Remus!’ John’s fist slammed down on the table, ‘what in Godric’s name has gotten into you? I understand that the transformation can have… an affect on your libido… I've read the books, I understand… but to… act like some kind of degenerate just so you can ease some of your… needs. You could have found a lass…’

‘That's not what that was all about!’ Remus tried to interject. 

‘You had a girlfriend last we knew…’

‘Yes and we’re not together anymore because I cheated on her,’ Remus confessed in the heat of the moment, ‘…with a boy.’

‘Oh fuck!’ His father cradled his head in his hands, ‘So you are. You're a queer?’

‘I'm not an anything. I'm especially not something that's said with that kind of repulsion. I am your son. Your son! I just happen to like both girls and boys!’

John’s head snapped up at that, ‘You like both? Both? You can choose? You can choose and yet you still…!’

‘This isn't about choice! I don't just choose one side or the other! I like who I like!’

‘So you should choose to go with the girls that you like and ignore… that perverse side of you!’

‘Will you listen to yourself!’ The werewolf roared, ‘you cannot seriously be saying this to me!’

‘It isn't right Remus!’

‘Says who? People say the same thing about werewolves!’

‘It's not the same! What you were doing with that lad… people who do those sort of things they’re….’

 

‘They’re what?’ Remus stood in anger, nearly knocking the table over in the process, ‘soulless, evil, deserving nothing but death? Sound familiar?’ 

It obviously did because within a flash John Lupin had stood up and had slapped him around the face.

‘Don't you dare!’ His father seethed, ‘don't you dare throw that in my face! I wasn't to know what would happen! I couldn't have controlled what…’

‘And I can't control this!’ Remus spat out as he rubbed at his cheek, ‘So you just need to deal with the fact that I'm this too! I like boys, men! I like them too! I’m… I’m…’

‘A freak Remus!’ John screamed his interruption. 

It simultaneously stung and stunned the impassioned boy and he was only vaguely aware of his mother admonishing his father.

‘That's what they’ll call you. People. If they ever find out. That's what they’ll think.’

A moment of silence passed as the werewolf let his father’s words sink in.

‘And you?’ He finally asked a tone which only just masked his fury. Surely his father of all people didn't think that?

John Lupin fixed his son with a level stare but Remus could see the apprehension seeping in at his edges. ‘Do you think that? Do you think I'm a freak?’ Remus shook with anger because it was beginning to be fairly obvious what the answer was going to be. The question was, would the eldest of the Lupin men stand there and lie to his only son? 

‘Yes,’ he finally answered, his gaze flickering away at the last second, ‘I do.’

There it was then, with no sugar coating. His own father had finally reached the limit of his tolerance of his already different son. Everyone knew where they stood.

‘Remus…’ His mother tried to break the deadly silence but she was interrupted by the abrupt scraping of the kitchen chair against the tiled flooring and the inevitable crashing sound as it fell over from the force when Remus had pushed it.

‘He didn't mean it!’ Evelyn Lupin implored as her son circled around the table angrily and made for the hallway door, ‘John tell him you didn't mean it!’

Yet no apology came as Remus charged down the hallway and no single effort was made to take it back by the time he had reached the stairs. His father had made his feelings perfectly clear.

 

*  
The whole summer time ritual of his father taking him to Shrieking Shack for his transformation was, as expected, a lesson in teenage passive aggression on Remus’ part. His father had still seen out his commitment to making sure that he arrived at the shack safely and that he had everything that he needed and had made an attempt to talk to his son as if the scene in the kitchen had never happened but Remus couldn't play along. What had been said had been said and it was pretty difficult for Remus to turn down the volume of the constant sound bites which were looping around his head. 

'Do you think I'm a freak?’

‘Yes. I do.’

So since he couldn't silence those words Remus, himself, remained silent. They'd arrived and John had made his inspections of the room while Remus silently undressed. Usually he got a bit embarrassed about being in a state of undress in front of one of his parents but since it wasn't the most embarrassing thing to happen to him that day he didn't give a flying fuck about it. 

‘The room looks pretty secure. You should be safe tonight,’ John told him as he turned around to find his son do something he hadn't needed to do in almost two years; he was shackling himself with the chained restraints Dumbledore had fitted the room with as a precaution against Remus escaping. The shackles had become more useful, as it turned out, in making sure that he didn't inflict too much damage on himself; although the tops of his arms were still ripped to shreds every month he had used them since it was the only part of his body he could reach when he was restrained in that way.

‘Remus… Son…’ His father had implored him against their use but it was no good. Remus knew after the day he had it was the only way he was going to minimise the damage of his growing anger. 

He’d simply ignored his father until he needed the last chain to be fastened around his right wrist, to which he held out towards his father and looked at him expectantly. Dutifully his father fastened them and with a mournful final look towards his imprisoned son, he left the shack.

The transformation could have been worse, Remus considered in the minutes leading up to the arrival of his father. True to form his upper arms had bite marks and his wrists and ankles were all cut up from where the cuffs of his restraints had rubbed against him as he’d fought against them in a rage but as transformations went, it wasn't the complete worst. That particular honour still went to the night Sirius had… yeah.

It was half six when John arrived at the shack to liberate his son from moon time prison. His father always looked worried when he came to collect him but today he seemed particularly pained. It seemed overnight the Lupin man had had some time to allow a sense of shame seep into him but Remus’ anger remained to be subdued.

'I'll apparate myself home,' he told his father coldly as he dressed himself with the clothes he had worn prior to the moon rising.

'Remus you can barely stand for Christ's sake! You are not attempting to apparate yourself home! I don't think you'll survive any splinching injuries if they're piled on top of the ones from your transformation.' John attempted to keep his voice patient but knew he hadn't fully succeeded. Despite this Remus seemed to be thinking his father's concerns through. He had a point. No point in making himself feel even more shit than he already felt in order to be a martyr.

'Okay,' he finally relented, 'but that doesn't mean I've forgiven you. I still know what you think of me.'

John Lupin sighed. He knew he hadn't reacted in the best ways last night but Evelyn had slowly talked him around. He couldn't lie and say he completely understood or agreed with his son's new lifestyle choice but he'd had to overcome accepting much worse things about him. He just needed some kind of adjustment period or, if he was honest, absolutely no more mentioning of the subject all together. Not that that was going to be feasible if he wanted any kind of honest relationship with his son; something he himself had never had with his father. His father hadn't had to contend with though. It was different in his day. Men were men. You grew up, you got a job and you met a girl to settle down with. If you were lucky enough to be crazy in love with the lass, like he was, then all the better. But this… he guessed this was a sign of a more modern world. Perhaps one he didn't fully understand. 

Awkwardly he stepped towards his son and wrapped an arm around him which historically would have also acted as a means of comfort to the boy; now it only served to remind him how uncomfortable things were. They may have been standing closely side by side but their had never been so much distance between them before.

‘On my count,’ he said gruffly, ‘one, two, three…’

*

When the spinning finally stopped, Remus was confused to find himself at the edge of the field which surrounded the cottage. He looked around himself in the pale morning light to find that his father had arrived in the unusual landing spot too. 

‘What…?’ His father vocalised his confusion and then it dawned on Remus. Their wards had been set to send visitors or incoming travellers to the relatively safe location away from their home if the security of their home at been breeched… 

That meant…

He turned in the direction of the cottage and began to run up the slope of grass so that he could get a better view of his home. There it was. Remus stood stock still in shock. It was not the sleepy old building he was always used to seeing but a scene of distraction and menace. Every window appeared to be blown out; what looked like smoke was billowing from the kitchen window and most worrying of all, a strange green cloud which had the sinister appearance of a….

‘Evelyn!’ John Lupin was the first to jerk out of his stupor and began to sprint across the field and with a sense of delayed terror. Remus set off right behind him; all pain from the transformation numbed by sheer adrenaline.

‘Your wand!’ His dad roared over his shoulder; which wasn't required because it was already in the werewolves hand. As they reached the cottage Remus was aware that the smoke they had spotted from the other side of the field was now in fact coming out of every ground floor window. Something registered in his mind; the smoke didn't smell as it should. Instead it had an acrid smell; foul. 

‘Devil’s cloak!’ John briskly answered Remus’ question before he even had time to ask, ‘Used during ambushes to confuse victims. Using Ventus should clear it. You take downstairs and I'll go up. We need to get your mum to the edge of garden no matter what state she’s in. We’ll apparate from there. Best be St Mungos.’

Remus nodded curtly at his dad as he took in the instructions. He knew he needed to focus but he was terrified. 

‘Be careful!’ His dad looked over his shoulder and the werewolf could see that he was also terrified; it was oddly comforting to know that he wasn't the only one who felt out of their depth. 

‘Lets go!’ 

Remus tried his best to remember what he could from his defence class. He’d always been good at the subject and now, unfortunately, he was being given a real life opportunity to put his skills to the test. He just wished it wasn't under these circumstances. 

His family home took on a strange dream like appearance as he entered the kitchen and then the sitting room; familiar yet otherworldly where all he would need to do is wake up to find himself back in reality. He began to splutter and choke on the smoke fumes. If only it was a dream. On realising that nobody lay in wait for him, he rushed over to the window of the sitting room and opened it, casting a quick ‘ventus’ until the room was less opaque with the thick black smoke.

He was surveying the room when it happened; when he sensed a shadow streaking past the window he had his back to. Turning around, he kept his wand held into position as he slowly crept towards the source of light he had only moments ago opened and wished now he hadn't damn well bothered. Something was out there, that was for sure and Remus had unwittingly given it easy access to attack him. Slowly but surely he inched closer and closer to the window with his body poised to respond to whatever was going to come though the peeling window frame. Hex, curse, man or beast; anything was a possibility. 

One step, two step, three step...

He was almost there and he was almost certain something was lying in wait just outside the window…

He even held his breath the last few steps when….

A thunderous thud from upstairs caught his attention followed by the anguished screaming of his father. Abandoning his suspicions Remus bolted in the opposite direction towards the hallway and launched himself up the staircase; taking it two, sometimes three, steps at a time. He almost crashed into a side table at the top of the hall in his haste but managed to boost himself off the hall wall to propel himself around the corner which would take him down the upstairs hall. He didn't need to check any of the other rooms, something, instinct probably, told him where he needed to go; his parents’ bedroom. 

He stopped in his tracks at the sight. There in the master bedroom of the cottage was a figure dressed in a black robe and mask slumped unconscious against the dresser. The double mattress his parents had shared for as long as Remus could remember was split into two with its springs exposed like strange coiled teeth. There were feathers scattered everywhere giving the room the appearance that it had been coated in a strange unseasonable snow. The striped wallpaper had been adorned by scorch marks presumably from a spell battle between the unconscious man in black and his father. The latter man could be found also slumped on the floor except he seemed to be looming over a figure he held in his arms… A limp figure… the figure of his wife… The figure of Remus’ mum…

‘Dad?!’ The werewolf chocked out as his brain tried to process what his eyes were seeing. 

‘We were too late,’ his father gargled through his anguish as he hugged the body of his wife closer to him, ‘She’s gone… she’s…’

‘No!’ the son gasped out as heartbreak engulfed him. She couldn't be. This must have been a terrible, terrible nightmare. That couldn't be his mother lying there; a woman once so full of life. A woman who had protected Remus for the last seventeen years before and after the bite. A woman who had given him his great love of reading; his quietly wicked sense of humour; his moral compass. A woman who had come to him last night after his huge row with his father and had comforted him with support, warmth and understanding. She had told him how much she loved him. How proud she was of the man he was becoming. She had wiped the tears from his eyes and begged him to try and calm down before his transformation and promised to speak his father for him.

There she was. No longer there.

He staggered forward a little, fully intending to join his father on the ground just so that he could be close to his mother one more time when:

‘Remus!’ His father cried in horror. At first the werewolf believed it was in grief for his wife but then he felt it; the hairs on the back of his neck rising. Something was wrong. On instinct the werewolf whipped around and came face-for-face with the source of his father’s warning. A cloaked figure stood before him and it had a wand raised so that it was pointing directly at his chest.

‘Ah, this is more like it,’ the voice behind the mask almost gloated, ‘I almost thought we’d had a wasted journey but here we all are! Looks like I’ll be killing the muggle lover and the half breed along with the mudblood.’

There’s something in the tone, the stone cold hatred mixed with a rather plummy accent which made Remus realise that the figure stood in front of him was not a stranger. No. It was someone he had come up against once before. It was Thander Xaivius. The last Remus had seen of him since he’d tried to… he’d attempted to… and Remus had gotten him expelled for it. Now it seemed the deranged boy was out for revenge and he’d… he’d… killed his mother to do that.

Anger boiled up in the youngest of the Lupins. Anger that scum like Xaivius with his bigoted views and evil motives had come here, into his home. His family’s home. A family who had never bothered anyone; who had never asked for any of the trouble which came their way and valiantly battled through it together. A family who had protected Remus at all costs. A family who loved him despite his condition. This creature of pure hatred had come here and had decided to rip them apart and why? To settle a score? To assert his superior blood status despite his inferior heart on a family he decided was beneath him and deserving to be destroyed? Well not on Remus’ watch. This piece of shit was going to be sorry he ever stepped foot in Lupin cottage. 

‘I wonder if there's a certain circle in hell reserved for faggots like you?’ The unhinged young man behind the mask mused, ‘I suppose you're going to find out.’

The werewolf seethed in anger but didn't allow it to consume him. Instead he used it. Made it work for him; for his family; for his mother. 

‘I’m finally to get some enjoyment out of you,’ Xaivius taunted him as he lifted his wand, ‘And this time nobody’s here to stand up for the dirty little queer! Your pitiful father couldn't even stand up for his whore of a wife! Sectumsempra!’

Wordlessly Remus unleashed the emotion and power he had let build up within himself and channeled it through his wand which he shot out in the direction of his opponent. A magical shield covered Remus and the Lupins. Later, when he and his dad would discuss what had happened in that room his father would comment that he had never seen a shield charm like it but at that moment Remus was so engrossed with the task at hand that he didn't notice. His only intent was to do his best to save his father and the dignity of his mother.

Through the silvery almost translucent barrier he could see his opponent fire off several more spells but to no avail; his defence was far too powerful. 

‘You can't hide behind that forever!’ Xaivius roared and Remus knew he was right. Sooner or later he'd need to face his foe so it might as well have been then. He waited until the demented young man he was battling against’s last spell had hit his shield charm before whipping it down quickly and firing off a spell of his own. 

‘Expulso!’ The werewolf roared ferociously; the power of his spell caught Xaivius off guard and blasted him into the air and up against the wall. The figure on the ground only managed a brief groan before Remus hit him with a quick stupify for good measure and then Petrificus Totalus to make sure the bastard couldn't escape.

Remus gasped for air and wiped his eyes of tears as he surveyed the rest of the room; not quite willing to look again at the reality of his mother lying lifelessly in his father’s arms.

‘Remus! Send for help! Send for Dumbledore! And the order!’ John demanded through his anguish, ‘My legs hurt. I can't stand!’

‘The order?’ He couldn't tell if he was supposed to know what the order was. Had the trauma of the situation made him forget? He was pretty sure he didn't have a clue what his dad was talking about.

‘The Order of the Phoenix!’ His dad ground out through a sob. The name of the organisation was somehow familiar to Remus and after a few seconds the shock of the knowledge of what it is – what it meant to hear his father say it – penetrated his grief…

He couldn't think about that right now, he decided. He needed to act.

‘How?’

‘Patronus, son, you need to cast a patronus!’

‘But I’ve…’

‘You can do it! I know you're capable of it. The way you took that bastard out, you're more than capable! Do it! Do it now! For your ma! We don't know who else is here!’

And on realising that he needed to step up to the plate; that this was something his DADA classes had been preparing him for years now, even if he had yet to be taught this particular spell, Remus straightened himself up and with as much strength as possible thought about the happiest thing he could think of despite his present circumstance. His mind filtered through several images of his happiest moments and it wasn't until one made his chest swell with love and pride and a lightness that he knew he had found something which would be able to burst forth into the bleakness of their situation. Remus raised his wand arm and called out, ‘Expecto Patronum!’

The energy which burst from within him, down his arm and out of his wand was the strongest that Remus had ever felt and he was shocked as he opened his blurry eyes just in time to see a corporeal patronus explode from the tip on his first try. He couldn't believe his eyes when it quickly took a form – the form of a very familiar large shaggy dog – which bounded in a circle before sitting obediently to wait for an instruction.

‘Dumbledore,’ he chocked out, ‘Get Dumbledore…’

‘And members of the order!’ His father reminded him.

‘And members of the order!’ He called out in a panic, ‘tell them… Tell them that the Lupin cottage has been attacked by… By masked figures. We don't know who. Tell them to come now!’

He watched in astonishment as the dog bolted in a familiar fashion towards the south facing wall of the bedroom before disappearing like the magic it was to deliver its message.


	24. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was not how Sirius had imagined reuniting with Remus.

Chapter 24: Reunion

Sirius had never slept well on the nights of the full moon. Not since his werewolf friend had told him of his condition back in second year. To begin with he’d stay up most of the night worried about the unknown circumstances of his friend’s transformation. Remus had tried to describe to his dorm mates what it was like for him to shift from the mild natured almost teenager they knew into a blood thirsty predator, which they all probably had trouble imagining him being. The trouble was though, no matter how many different descriptive words Remus used or no matter how much he tried to glaze over the danger of his transformation, Sirius had always sat up at night while his friend was howling away in the Shrieking Shack and imagined the absolute worst thing possible.

That had all changed, in many ways, when he and the others had learned to become animagi. He finally got to see the transformation first hand and while the reality was no better than some of his night time imaginings of what it must be like, there was a comfort in knowing exactly what to expect. During his time as a member of his friend’s moon time pack he definitely didn't get any sleep. They were too busy either guarding the werewolf; playing with him or going on little adventures around the surrounding countryside and woodlands.

Now that he was estranged from Remus, well, it seemed he was back to his all night sessions of worrying. Last night he had lain in bed until about two or three in the morning wide awake before admitting defeat and going down stairs to the Potter’s sitting room. He could get a much better view of that fat, dangerous moon. He knew it was ridiculous but he always felt better when if he could keep an eye on the moon if he wasn't with Remus for his transformation. Not that it was going anywhere; if only. It also made him feel strangely closer to his absent friend; that if he kept his mind constantly on that gibbous orb that somehow Remus would know that he wasn't the only one who was consumed by it every month.

So that's what brought Sirius to be sitting at the kitchen table, awake, with Mr Potter so early on the morning after the full. He had heard his friend’s father slowly descend down the stairs around about seven o'clock and decided he might as well join him in the kitchen. They had chatted about this and that before landing on the topic of Remus. The Potter’s had known about Remus’ status as a werewolf for some time now; probably since the event had happened because they had known John Lupin back when he had worked for the Ministry. The boys had only found out this fact when the Lupin’s had discovered the knowledge of their son’s friends. It was rare for the Potters to bring it up but it seemed the knowledge of Sirius’… feelings… for the other boy had made it an unavoidable topic of discussion; especially when the Potters were determined in making sure Sirius was emotionally okay since he had escaped the uncaring environment of his old home. 

‘Toast!’ Announced the groaning arrival of James to the kitchen which was quite surprising considering the boy rarely surfaced before ten o'clock during the holidays. It seemed Sirius wasn't the only one worried about their friend.

The three men sat in compatible silence with Sirius and James slowly munching on a stack of toast and Mr Potter reading the Daily Prophet with a cup of tea in hand.

For a moment Sirius eyes began to droop and he found himself swiftly jerking awake; a nights worth of sleeplessness seemed to be finally catching up on him. He blinked rapidly in the hope of making himself more awake but he knew it hadn't worked when a strange shimmering light began to dance in front of him; even more so when that light manifested itself into the form of an almost spectral, shaggy dog.

He looked at it in wonder and knew James and Mr Potter must have noticed it too when their chatter died mid sentence. All three men stared at it in a tense, yet ponderous silence. 

‘Lupin cottage has been attacked by masked figures.’ The spectre finally spoke in an alarmingly familiar Welsh accent. Sirius perked in alarm on hearing it and then the location mentioned penetrated his brain. He was on his feet before the message had finished, ‘We don't know who. Come now!’

A flurry of movement ensued where Mr Potter grabbed for his wand; Sirius accio-ed his from the living room and James leapt to his feet.

‘Stay here!’ Mr Potter barked at them but made no more demands when both boys shouted their refusal. 

Sirius’ mind whirled and he was certain he'd never felt his heart beat so fast; in short he was petrified and judging by the look of sheer panic on James’ face he was too. Somehow, because in hindsight he couldn't even remember performing the spell, all three men had managed to apparate to Lupin cottage; or as close to it as they could get. It was a little disorientating, not just because the very nature of apparition was a dizzying experience but because they had landed somewhere they hadn't been aiming for. In the past he had always managed to land right in front of the Lupin’s porch because he was a friend of the family’s but now… 

In the distance he could see Lupin cottage and it looked like it had been hit by a Tornado.

‘What the fuck is that?’ James had asked and Sirius could only assume he was talking about the strange luminous green skull like cloud which hovered ominously above the wreckage. James clearly hadn't been paying proper attention to the Prophet but Sirius had…

‘Fuck!’ Sirius barked on realising they had a whole fucking field to get across before they could do anything to help, ‘Come on!’

The trio began to pelt over the field at a pace so fast that Sirius could barely feel the ground under his feet. As he ran his thoughts sped through his mind at the same rate. He had to get to Remus. He had to get to Remus. This could be life or death. He could be lying somewhere in that house dying right now. He could already be…

Time was critical. Every second counted in getting to that cottage. 

Then suddenly, they were there.

Sirius’ body might have slowed somewhat but his mind didn't. Where were they? Who was here? What was the danger? What defensive spells could they use? Was there a tracking spell they could use to locate the Lupins without alerting whatever attackers were still lurking around?

‘John!’ Harold bellowed, chucking that last thought straight out of the window.

'Here!’ Came a strangled reply from somewhere upstairs and a small relief of recognising that it was the voice of his friend made Sirius’ heart leap as it did his whole body causing him to move into action to climb the stairs. He was followed by James and Harold.

 

The three members of the Lupin family were huddled down on the floor of the master bedroom. Sirius could see the bowed face of John Lupin but only the back of a crouching Remus. By the look of it there was a person lying between them… the only other Lupin not yet accounted for.

‘Remus,’ shock, relief and grief caused Sirius to choke out the name. He wasn't prepared for the reaction that came. On hearing his name, Remus swiftly stood to his feet and turned to face the rescue party. He looked an absolute wreck and as the sight of his mother became easier to see, Sirius could understand why.

She was...

‘Sirius!’ The sob of his estranged friend interrupted this thought and when he looked back towards Remus he had about half a second to register that the boy’s tear stained faced was coming closer to him before his body was launched at him in a hug. 

It was overwhelming; every single aspect of this bizarre situation. They were standing in the middle of a crime scene with his best friend’s mother lying dead. Then there was the fact that he and Remus hadn't spoken for almost two months and now he was clinging to him like a life line. What did you say or do in these circumstances?

The feeling of the other boy’s shaking body against his own prompted him into action. ‘Shh! Remus, I'm here. I’m here. I'm so sorry,’ he soothed as the werewolf buried his face into the crook of his neck.

'She's dead. She's dead,’ he could hear the muffled mantra being sobbed into his neck as Remus held on to him for dear life.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. He couldn't stand to see the other boy like this. His mother had been… well an actual mother! She was kind and wonderful and so full of l… 

‘We couldn't get here fast enough. They killed her. We were too late. They killed her. They fucking killed her!’

‘John?’ A voice from as if nowhere called out and Sirius was surprised to find that Mad-eye Moody was also in the room, standing almost behind the door. He had been in such a panic when he arrived he hadn't even noticed, ‘Are these the only two?’

‘I don't know,’ the older of the Lupin men replied from his position on the floor rather dazedly, ‘I really don't know.’

Sirius felt Remus lift his head from his neck and push away from his body. He swiped at his eyes before turning to face the well known auror.

‘We weren't here for the initial attack,’ he reported in a rather strained voice, ‘We arrived back at the edge of the field and could see smoke coming from the house. We split up and by the time I got upstairs…’ He gave a mournful glance towards his mother, ‘Dad had knocked this one out. Then the other arrived. He began taunting me and I worked out who he was.’

‘Thander Xaivius,’ Sirius heard James gasp behind him and right enough, when Sirius studied the unconscious face of robed figure slumped against the wall it was him. A fresh anger engulfed the animagus. He had been the arsehole who had tried to humiliate Remus the night James had helped him out. He had to restrain every part of his body to stop himself from lashing out at his unconscious body.

‘So he was already known to you?’ Was Moody’s next line of questioning.

From Sirius’ peripheral vision he could see James staring at the werewolf with apprehension.

‘We had quite a big run in before Easter at school. He ended up getting expelled because of it.’

‘I didn't know this,’ Mr Lupin’s voice said in weak alarm from the floor, ‘You never told us this.’

The younger of the Lupin men grimaced a little, ‘He found out what you found out about me last night and tried to make my life a living hell. He tried to attack me with his friends.’

John looked freshly stricken at the thought.

‘I fought them off with a little bit of help from James,’ Remus added; presumably with the intention of making his father feel better.

Moody nodded his head as he took in this information, ‘So he could have been settling a score?’

‘He’s a Death Eater, isn't he?’ 

Everyone in the room turned to face Sirius with expectant expressions.

‘That's what the Prophet’s calling them? Those nut jobs who have been attacking muggles and half bloods? The blood purists.’ He elaborated wondering why he was the only one to make this connection.

‘You’re a Black, aren't ye?’ Moody shot at him, entirely too suspiciously for his liking.

‘Only by name,’ he retorted, ‘And if anyone has been paying attention to the papers they'd know that the people accused of committing these crimes have been swanning around wearing masks and robes. You don't need access to a closet in Grimmauld Place to know the dress code of these lunatics. The evidence is right there.’

‘He’s right there Alistair,’ James father conceded.

‘There was also a weird cloud thing above the house. Hasn't that been in the reports?’ James chimed in, ‘There was a photo of something similar in the Prophet when that attack happened at Charing Cross?’

‘Aye, well you might be right. These two are not known to me but I can check the surveillance files for any mention of their names,’ the auror conceded, ‘There seems to be more and more youngsters radicalised as the days go on. It's a possibility. It's a bit strange that only two were sent mind. It's usually done in larger groups…’

Sirius wasn't sure what caused him to do it but for some reason he found himself turning his head to look out of the bedroom window. With a fright he noticed that something, or someone rather, was looking back up at him from the field which surrounded the Lupin’s cottage. The figure was draped in voluminous black robes and its face was covered by a mask…

On the same instinct which caused Padfoot to bolt after a rabbit in the forbidden forest, Sirius found himself launching himself out of the room. 

‘There’s someone outside!’ He cried in explanation and was vaguely aware of the movement of the others behind him. He pelted down the stairs; teared his way through the down stairs hallway of the cottage and burst out of the front door. To his surprise the figure had moved closer to the front door, they were now standing about 30 feet away, and it caused him to halt in his pursuit. He watched the figure for a second; its expressionless face and stillness was just plain eerie to him. Raising his wand out to protect himself, Sirius began to inch closer to the intruder, only noticing when it was too late that there had been a shift in the air as he walked which was the tell tale sign that he had just walked through a spell. For a split second he turned back to see the rest of his group was unable to move forward and it dawned on him the danger he had put himself in.

He poised himself for a fight. There was no way he was going to be taken down without one. This person, this bastard had caused one of the few people Sirius actually loved a pain that he couldn't even imagine going through. They were going to pay. They were going to regret ever stepping for near this cottage.

After standing absolutely still for such a long time, the figure did something unexpected; it ran. Confused, but still running on his impulsive instinct Sirius gave chase.

There was no way that he was going to let them away with what they had done today and with an anger that was powering him to run faster and faster he followed the figure into the next field.

A spell was cast at him as he vaulted over a fence so he began firing back himself. He dodged and shielded in between casting his own spells and eventually one of them hit his target. On his last disarming spell the wand of the figure flew into the air and Sirius took the opportunity to throw himself bodily at his opponent; sending them both crashing to the ground. He scuffled with the masked intruder for a moment before climbing on top of them to hold them down. He had the upper hand here and he was going to use it with great force.

First thing first; he was going to see what piece of shit hid behind the mask so that he could look them in the eye as he bet the shit out of them. Managing to restrain the coward’s two arms with just one he grabbed a hold of the somewhat elegant mask and ripped it away from the person’s face.

He couldn't believe his eyes at the sight of the wearer. His blood ran cold.

'Bella...' Sirius gasped out in shock and let them mask fall from his hands.

'Now, now cousin. Is this any way to treat family?' her tone may have been civil but the glint in her eye and the twist of her mouth was positively feral.

'You... You did this?’ Sirius chocked, ‘To Mrs Lupin? You helped kill her?'

He had always known his cousin was capable of cruelty and that she was certified bat shit mental but this? Even this was beyond what Sirius thought her capable of.

A cruel laughter cackled from the young woman, 'Helped? Those bloody imbeciles they sent with me couldn't AK an already dead house fly if they tried! No! All the credit goes to me!'

Sirius’ eyes widened in horror.

'Credit! You just killed an innocent woman! My best friend's mother! And all you can think about is who gets the credit! Do you know what you've done?'

'I've done as the Dark Lord bids me to!' Her voice took on the proud snarl that should have given Sirius some indication that his cousin was capable of monstrous acts.

'You bitch! You fucking lunatic bitch!' He raged as he put all his strength into pushing girl's wrists harder and harder into the ground she was pinned against. He wanted to feel her bones snap under his hands. He wanted her to feel the pain he was feeling right now; the pain his best friend was going through; the pain that poor, poor Mrs Lupin no doubt felt at that hands of this monster.

'Is that any way to speak to your fiancé precious Sirius?' She seemed to be gaining a perverse pleasure from the way she had riled him to anger despite the pain he was undoubtedly putting her under.

'Is that why you’ve done this you mad bint?' He bent down and seethed into her grinning face, 'For payback for me not wanting to marry you and produce your poisonous heir for our family? You're sick! The lot of you! You're all diseased in the mind!'

'I think that's rich coming from you! You're an abomination to our family! Do you really think I wanted to be chained to you for the rest of my life? To you and your perversions? And I'm not just talking about your mingling with that muggle filth! I know what you are to that half breed! You're brother filled me in on that dirty little secret!'

'And did he fill you in how he betrayed me? The lengths he'd stoop to betray his own flesh and blood! He'd only do the same to you...'

'How dare you speak of family betrayal! You turned your back on this family the day you decided that blood traitors, mud bloods and perverts were suitable company to be keeping! The lot of them are unfit to have any place in society...'

'You shut your crazy fucking mouth about my friends!'

'And they won't have by the time the Dark Lord has won this war. We already tried to get that disgusting mud blood faggot of yours and we won't fail a second time! And as for the other two, they'll get what's coming to them! That's if they don't see the errors of their ways before its too late...'

'They will never, EVER do that! Do you hear me!' Sirius seethed.

Bellatrix had somehow managed to wriggle an arm free and used it to pull her cousin down closer towards her and began whispering in his ear, 'Oh sooner or later they'll realise you're not worth siding with. A runt like you isn't worth any kind of love and devotion. Even those deviants will come to their senses.'

Sirius was just about to retort when all of a sudden the menacing young woman jerked his head even closer towards her own and before he knew what was happening she was sinking her teeth down into his neck so painfully she was able to kick him off her so that she could scramble to her feet.

'I'll kill you you bitch!' He screamed in agony as he clutched his wound.

'Not if I kill you first,' the crazed girl turned with a promise gleaming in her eyes before turning on the spot and disappearing.

-

They'd been lying in Sirius' bed for well over an hour, face to face, with neither of them speaking a word. Normally such a silence would unnerve the dark haired boy but he was aware of what a precarious situation he was in. He knew the knack he had for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and if there were ever a time not to mess up it was now when Remus was so fragile that it seemed any amount of pressure may break him. No. Right now was not the time for incessant babbling to fill the quiet room; it was the time for quiet comfort; for stillness and patience. Remus would be ready to talk when he was ready to and Sirius silently promised himself, and the other boy too, that he'd be there when the time came. He'd wait for him to open up.

Sirius continued to gaze at his friend. If he was completely honest with himself he was glad to be in this position again where the other boy wanted him to be near and he felt completely wretched and selfish for it. The truce in their falling out couldn't have been settled by a more horrific event and Sirius wished more than anything that it had happened under happier circumstances. Throughout his months of suffering and longing to be near Remus he had always believed their reunion (if there was to be any) would be a cause for celebration; perhaps they would have laughed in relief for having one another again; perhaps they would have done other things... But that was highly inappropriate now. 

Again if he was honest, physical interaction of the sort they had shared before they fell out couldn't be further from his mind now. It was just important to be allowed to be here to comfort his best friend. As he looked at him he could feel his own heart break for the misery Remus was feeling; hadn't this young man been through enough without the senseless murder of his mother? Sirius felt something ache deep in his chest as he thought about all the pain this beautiful boy had had to endure in his lifetime both physically and emotionally. It shamed him to know he had been part of causing some of that pain in recent months and vowed there and then that he'd never purposely do it again. 

He let his eyes lower to watch what was Remus was doing; the young werewolf was distractedly playing with the tips of Sirius' fingers with a feather like touch and his mournful eyes were lowered away from Sirius. The dark haired boy could see how drained he was. Remus was bone-weary. The day after transformations every month and with this morning's tragic events; it was a wonder the boy hadn't completely succumbed to exhaustion and fallen asleep. Sirius had also noted how many unhealed wounds his best friend was still sporting but thought better of bringing them up just now. He knew Remus would be thinking his own injuries unimportant in the context of what had happened today.

'My arm hurts,' Remus broke the silence eventually.

'I think you've got a nasty cut on the underside of that one,' Sirius nodded toward the suspected source of pain.

Remus lifted his arm up and inspected it, feigning only a little interest.

'Do you want me to heal it for you? It might get infected if you don't get it seen to soon.'

For a moment Sirius thought his friend was going to refuse the offer but eventually he gave a little sigh of consent and moved closer to him to allow him access to it. The cut was pretty nasty; trailing the length of the underside of his bicep and Sirius wondered how he'd gone a full day without it being treated.

'My dad got the worst of the damage sorted in the shack before we apparated,' Remus explained quietly, almost reading the other boy's mind, 'We were arguing and I was being a bit of a pain about him helping me out so he said he'd get the rest done back home but then... well you know what happened next.'

Sirius nodded in understanding and began prodding around the angry injury trying to decided the best spell to make it heal best.

'What were you arguing about?' He asked gently. It wasn't at all like Remus and his father to have cross words with one another. He took his eyes from the task at hand and watched as a flicker of sadness, different from the one he had been wearing all day, danced over his face.

'About our argument before the moon. He… had caught me snogging a boy that afternoon and let's just say he wasn't best pleased about it.'

Sirius had to fight the hurt feeling that had washed over him at the brief mention of Remus being with someone else like he had been with him. The thought of someone else... no... now was not the time to get jealous, 'So they didn't react well then?'

'Mum did,' A watery smile, 'she was worried but she was great about it but dad... He thought I was stark raving mad for choosing a difficult life when my life is already going to be shit.'

'Don't say that,' Sirius admonished his best friend gently. He hated that Remus couldn't see that he could be an exception to the whole werewolf way of life if only he kept fighting bravely for the good and right one he deserved.

'Hmm...' 

'And I'm sure your dad was just shocked and will come around. He loves you. He's fought worse bigotry for you at the ministry, I'm sure he won't give up the fight just because you sometimes like blokes. You just need to give him some time.'

Remus gave a small nod and then turned his attention back to his injured arm and Sirius followed his gaze; he had been unconsciously stroking the unharmed skin of the area he'd been examining. Clearing his throat Sirius took a firmer grasp of the arm and closed his eyes.

He'd discovered his capability to heal his friend's wounds without a wand a few months before Remus had barred Padfoot from the shack. At the time he had felt a cockiness at this ability; wandless magic was difficult for a lot of fully qualified wizards let alone a seventeen year old boy and he had boasted about his apparent superior magical abilities to his friends for days afterwards. It wasn't until he found himself stripped of the duty to heal one of those friends and the trust of the other two that he read up on it and was astounded and heartbroken to find out why he had this talent.

With his eyes still closed Sirius concentrated on his own heartbeat and thought about who his heart bet for; who it belonged to. He thought about how he would do anything to protect the skin that was under his touch. He slowed his breathing and let the knowledge that he took every breath for the young man he was trying to heal wash over him and when a warmth spread through his veins he uttered the words of the spell, 'Vulnera Sanentur.'

Opening his eyes, the healer watched as his magic weaved up the injured boys arm before flowing into the gash. He kept his hands where they held Remus and felt his muscles flex in pain. Remus must have read his concerned expression because through gritted teeth he promised him he was okay. Once the pain had subsided Remus muttered his thanks and Sirius was sad to see pain still in his eyes. He guessed that may be there for some time to come.

'Do you hurt anywhere else?' Sirius asked despite the burst lip and bruise under his friend's eye already telling him.

'My neck's a bit stiff'' the werewolf admitted and he watched as his friend narrowed his eyes a little and placed a tentative hand where it hurt; reminiscent of more intimate times they'd shared. Shyly Remus looked anywhere but at the young man sat close and across from him on the bed until he felt his friend's thumb stroke the back of his neck. Partly in shock and partly in yearning his eyes locked with the grey ones in front of him. A new grief threatened to flood him then. He'd missed this; he'd missed the presence of this wonderful, brilliant, caring boy and he longed to be able to take back the last few months, let alone the last twenty four hours.

'I've missed you,' he admitted softly whilst Sirius kept his hand in place.

'I've missed you too.'

A beat passed between the two before Sirius concentrated at the task in hand. The grieving boy watched as his best friend closed his eyes again and through his numbness was vaguely able to marvel at what he was doing.

'Ferula' was whispered and the painful feeling was washed away with a tingling sensation.

'Anywhere else?'

He pointed to his split lip and felt his friend stroke it gently with the pad of his thumb. When 'Episkey' was muttered and the magic was finished its job Sirius continued to stroke the other boy’s lips. It would have been so easy to dip his own down so that they made contact in a kiss. He knew that Remus would have allowed him but something about it wasn't right. Now was not the time. He had to show Remus that he was thinking purely of him and not his own selfish desires. So instead he removed his hand from his friend and lay back down on the bed.

‘Let's try get some sleep,’ he suggested to the boy who was still sat upright, looking at him with a sort of forlorn curiosity. Remus eventually nodded his agreement to the idea and lowered himself down beside him.

‘Thank you Pads,’ he mumbled as he curled into Sirius’ side with his eyes drooping closed.

‘No bother,’ the raven haired boy replied just as sleepily as he watched his friend slip into unconsciousness. 

-

They lay like that for a couple of hours and while exhaustion from the day’s high emotions had finally caught up with Remus and made him fall asleep, Sirius had lain awake. Today had absolutely terrified him and he found himself unable to stop thinking about what had almost happened to the boy who was slumbering in his arms. Sirius had almost lost him; for good. A pang of panic seized him once every couple of minutes when his thoughts would circle back to that notion. Remus nearly died. Remus nearly died. Remus nearly died and he wasn't there to stop it.

He needed to stop thinking about it. There was no point getting himself knotted up on something that hadn't happened. It would drive him crazy and then how could he do anything to stop it from happening again? He just needed to stop.

He also needed something to eat, judging by the way that his stomach was growling. It was surprising that Remus could sleep through the sound of it. He hadn't had a thing to eat since this morning before the patronus had appeared and now it was close to nine o'clock in the evening. Mrs Potter had made them an early supper when they had arrived back from their questioning at the ministry but he had been so tied up in worry that he hadn't been able to stomach it but now, well, he was ravenous.

Untangling himself carefully from the sleeping body of his friend, Sirius tiptoed out of his room and made his way down the stairs to the kitchen. He planned to fetch himself and Remus a sandwich and had a vague idea of attempting to make some tea but he'd never really been good at that. 

He was nearing the bottom of the stairs when he began to hear the voices of the other occupants of the house; their voices coming from the kitchen. He was surprised to hear that Mr Potter and Remus’ father still seemed to be joined by Dumbledore. Sirius had assumed he have been off trying to put things into place or doing whatever it was that meant that he was generally in know about everything that was going on. At appeared he was wrong.

‘Who did the Patronus belong to John?’ Sirius heard the voice of Mr Potter ask as he himself stood at the other side of the kitchen door and listened.

‘I must confess I was briefly curious of that myself when it arrived in my office earlier. Yours is an Osprey if I'm not mistaken?’ Sirius heard Dumbledore’s melodic tone also question.

‘It was Remus’,’ the exhausted, gruff timbre of Remus’ father answered. ‘He’d never cast one before and got it first try.’

‘Extraordinary,’ Mr Potter gasped.

‘Quite,’ Dumbledore said in a muffled tone and Sirius could imagine that he had his pipe wedged into the corner of his mouth, ‘I was aware that your son had a gift for Defense but even this has exceeded my expectations. Had he no practice before this?’

‘Not that I'm aware of. He seemed hesitant about his ability at first but then he just got on with it. I thought he’d at least take a few attempts but there it was. A dog of all things.’

‘Incredible,’ Sirius smiled when he heard Mr Potter still seemed in shock.

‘Even before that. When he was fighting off the bastard. I couldn't believe it; his skill. It's just so sophisticated for his age. For a moment I was in awe of him. My son… he was phenomenal. Evelyn… she would have been so proud had she seen it. She always was.’ Sirius could hear the man sniffing and presumed he had started to cry. It was more evident when he began to talk again. ‘She was always so encouraging to him, even though she had less knowledge of the magical world than us. She’s the reason why we kept going when he was younger; she just had so much belief that he was capable of pulling through everything he went through. She could see the strength in him much more than I could at times. Even the night before…’

Sirius’ heart was in his throat now.

‘We found out some things about him and I wasn't very… supportive. But even then she could see it in him. She was the very best, Evelyn was, she’s where he gets it. That belief. That strength. I said some very hurtful things to him last night but the truth is I couldn't be prouder of him. He's turning out to be a man I want to be myself.’

‘A product of the love and the protection of two generous parents,’ Dumbledore offered kindly.

‘We all disappoint our children at times John,’ Harold added and for a moment Sirius was shocked by the idea of Mr Potter ever being capable of disappointing. Then again, he realised that he hasn't necessarily been privy to ever conversation, argument and clash between the two Potter men. James wasn't perfect so it would probably be right to assume his parents weren't either, no matter how kind and loving Sirius found them, ‘The most important thing is that you don't fail them. Remus is an intelligent lad, he knows the difference between the two. He is a credit to you and to Evelyn. You raised him well despite what everyone says about what he is. He has defied expectations because of you. If the argument has been over what I suspect it's been over I think all you need to do is treat him as you've always done. He's no different to how he's always been, it's just that your expectations for his life style that’s changed.’

Sirius’ heart swelled on hearing this. He’d been worried about James’ opinion on the matter of his sexuality more than anyone but his father came a close second. Mr Potter had always embraced Sirius’ differences; a Black who was decent and his approval now always meant far more than the approval he was never going to get from his real father. 

'You're right there,’ Sirius then heard Remus’ father concede solemnly, ‘I love the bones of that boy; every part of him. I can't tell you how many times I've wished and prayed that he never got bitten that night but sometimes, when he shows me how strong he can be, I know being bitten has been the making of him. Things could have been so different but then who would he have become? Evelyn always said we had been blessed with him, even after the bite. We’d been blessed with a son who could cope with something we couldn't protect him from and for all it gets to him from time to time, he’s never let anger or resentment twist him. All those bloodline and dark creature nay Sayers talk about purity and innocence and there that is, in my half blood, werewolf, possibly homosexual son. Fuck them all, that's what I say. He is not scum, nor is he weak and the only danger he poses is towards anyone who threatens his loved ones. I pity anyone else who tries to after seeing him this morning.’

‘Here, here!’ Dumbledore says in agreement and silently Sirius repeats the words with a pride that's fit to burst from him.

-

The funeral for Evelyn Lupin takes place ten days after the attack. It's a muggle affair for the benefit of her side of the family. Sirius isn't quite sure what cause of death is explained to them and so he just nods solemnly whenever the word ‘stroke’ is mentioned to him. 

It pours with rain the entire day; from the church to the Potters house, which is where the wake is held since Lupin cottage is no longer considered home by Remus and his father after the monstrous events which have taken place there. There is not one second when the sun shines. 

Remus and his father did remarkably well with accepting the condolences of family, friends and guests and the Potter’s generosity was second to none but it was Peter who turned out to be the hero of the day. Sirius swears he’d never seen the boy work so hard before. If he wasn't taking guests jackets; he was making sure everyone was topped up with tea. He tidied up around the guests, made sure the buffet was never dwindling in supplies and entertained the younger children of the Lupin and Howell families. Sirius wondered if the boy had been so industrious out of guilt for the fact that he hadn't been able to come back from his holiday in Majorca sooner to help comfort Remus but part of him suspected that when push comes to shove, Peter really is that much of a good friend.

That had been a few days ago and now the Potter household was only occupied by Sirius and his grieving friend. James had gone off with Petter and Mrs Potter to go fetch school supplies for the fast approaching new term whereas Mr Lupin had been called to the ministry over some matter that Moody wanted to discuss with him. So that left Sirius to look after the werewolf, which saw him supplying him with endless cups of tea and coffee and sitting with him as they talked about nothing of importance; anything which would try and distract Remus from the heartbreak he was undoubtedly still suffering through.

Remus watched as one raindrop chased another down the windowpane of the Potter's living room. It had been three days since his mother's funeral and it was as if the rain hadn't stopped for a single second since. Briefly he wondered if the elements were in mourning too, if they are being affected by his grief but he knew how foolish a notion that was.

As he sat twisted on the sofa so that he could face the window, he heard the living room door open and close behind him. He didn't turn around to see who had decided to interrupt his melancholy. Instead he continued to stare out the window, head in hands.

'I made you some coffee,' Sirius' voice came from over his shoulder and sure enough he could see in the reflection of the window that the older boy was holding two mugs in his hands; one held further from him in offering.

'Thanks,' Remus sighed as he turned to receive the mug, and possibly the offer of company, from his friend.

'I made it just how you like,' Sirius smiled kindly at him, 'Nice and strong.'

'Thanks,' Remus repeated again and the pair fell into a companionable silence. 

Sirius observed the other boy as he continued to peer through the rain streaked window and the words he heard Remus’ father speak in the kitchen that first night they came to the Potter’s come to his mind. They were right, all of them, Remus was strong. Sirius had always known it but somewhere, in amongst all of the other feelings the boy had aroused in him, he had forgotten it. For too long Remus had frightened him; he was scared of what Remus made him that he had seen him a figure of weakness, of the something he so desperately did not want to be. What a fool he had been. 

‘How have things been with your father?’ Sirius found himself asking. 

Remus turned his large amber eyes and smiled wanly. ‘Better,’ he replied gently before blowing the steam from his coffee. Sirius studied the way his fingers cradled the mug; the sadness in his eyes that failed to diminish as the days went on. Sirius longed to do something. Anything just to make him smile again.

‘I heard him talking about you,’ he confessed and his friend’s eyes were on him again. ‘The first night you came to stay. He was in the kitchen with Dumbledore and Mr Potter; I’m not sure who else. I was standing in the hall,’ The animagi said sheepishly. ‘He erm… he was telling them how proud of you he is; how much he’s proud of the man you’ve become.’ And so am I, he left unsaid.

A smile stretched briefly on the werewolf’s lips.

‘He said how much your mother felt the same. That she was proud of you.’

His eyes landed on the hand Remus had placed on the back of the sofa and in lieu of touching it, for fear of over stepping the line, Sirius lowered his head so that it lay next to it. 

‘They spoke about your patronus,’ he continued as Remus stoically continued to peer out of the window, ‘I never knew you could do that Moony.’

‘It was my first time,’ Remus replied; the confession cracking his passive expression, ‘I… I had to. My dad couldn’t. He…’ 

The panicked rambling changed Sirius’ mind on what was appropriate contact and in a gesture to sooth his friend, he placed his hand on the other boy’s. 

‘You did a good job Moony. Even Dumbledore was impressed.’

‘Dumbledore was impressed when I brought that ball point pen in first year,’ Remus chocked out a laugh through his sadness, ‘I’m not sure it takes much.’

It was beautiful, brief but wonderful, to see him smiling. 

‘So was I,’ Sirius gambled, daring that the next thing he said wouldn’t be received too awkwardly. ‘I noticed what it was.’

Remus lowered his head so that his gaze was level with grey eyes. He studied them for a moment before he breathed out his response. ‘Me too. I couldn’t believe it at first. For a second I was horrified…’ Sirius’ eyes widened, ‘I thought it was a wolf but then it dawned on me what it was.’

‘Were you still horrified?’

‘No, I guess it makes sense.’

‘And how did you make it, if you don’t mind me asking.’

‘I didn’t think I’d be capable of… but I knew I had to and as if from nowhere it hit me. It wasn’t what I was expecting. I thought what I had seen that morning would make me incapable of thinking of anything happy again but it was her.’

‘Your mother?’ Sirius gently prompted and Remus turned his tear filled eyes once again to him and he was surprised to see him smiling.

‘I thought of the day I came back from Hogwarts. That very first Christmas holiday. She had asked me what I had been up to that first term and I told her about you guys – you, James and Pete – and how you were my friends. The look on her face was so unexpected. It was more than happiness, it was pure, unrestrained joy, just because I had friends. She glowed, she was so happy; just because I was happy. That’s all she ever wanted for me and knowing that gave me power, power stronger than I have ever known. It gave me strength and she saved us.’

He was crying now; there was wonder in his voice but he was crying. Consequences be damned, Sirius sat his mug down on the floor before quickly doing the same with his friend’s. Once they were safely stowed away he took Remus by the shoulders and pulled him towards him; both bodies moved backwards until they were horizontal on the sofa.

‘She was a wonderful lady,’ Sirius supplied as he stroked the head of his friend which was now resting on his chest.

'The best,’ he heard the werewolf whisper as he allowed himself to seek comfort in his best friend’s arms.


	25. Comfort in Safety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius' relationship has changed, and so has the world around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back again! Now I don't feel so bad for starting a new fic yesterday because I've actually been able to update this. Yaaaas! Thanks to everyone who has commented and Kudo-ed this so far and as always thank you for all being so patient with me! :)

Chapter 25

Before anyone knew it, all four Marauders once again found themselves on the Hogwarts Express for what would be their last year at the magical school. Remus had always imagined that there would be an air of nostalgia and fervent planning of epic pranks to celebrate their last year in style on this particular occasion. Instead the tragic events of the summer holidays, coupled with newly re-formed friendships and the bizarre occurrence of James being made Head Boy had given the event a more sober, if what somber atmosphere to their journey. Not that Remus minded really. Truth be told he was still completely emotionally drained from the events of the past few weeks and wasn't really up to pretending everything was alright by getting into the swing of all things Marauder. He was quite content to sit dozing in the compartment with his head rested against the carpeted interior as Sirius slept soundly with his head in his lap. 

As he sat there with his eyes closed, he heard the other two members of the compartment begin to talk in hushed tones. The highly unlikely event of Prongs being appointed Head Boy had resulted in another highly unusual occurrence; Lily Evans had elected to, voluntarily might Remus add, to sit with them in the compartment. Remus knew this was in part so that she could catch up with how he was doing after the awful events of the summer but had suspected her growing (and unlikely) friendship with Sirius had made the prospect of being in the company of James more tolerable than it once may have been for her. 

‘So are they…?’ Remus heard the redhead ask James softly so not to wake up the sleeping boys. This included Peter who had also found himself half laid upon by Sirius. 

‘I'm not sure,’ he heard James answer back just as softly. Remus himself had never spoken of his involvement with Sirius to Lily, not specifically at least, but he was fairly certain Sirius had confided in her at some point. He couldn't really justify why Lily would have tolerated the dark haired Animagus had she not known that piece of information. James on the other hand. Well, again the nature of his and Sirius’ past relationship had never been explicitly discussed but the way the pair had acted since becoming friends again wasn't exactly hidden. Sirius had been almost a constant source of comfort for the werewolf; a comfort blanket almost. The pair had spent endless days lying cuddled up together when Remus had initially been in mourning for his mother and James had been witness to it all. Even on the days when Remus was feeling a tiny bit more sociable James had never commented on the way Sirius would reach out to rub his back or pull him in for a hug. He simply kept talking as if it was the most natural occurrence in the world to witness his best friends be so intimately tactile with one another. ‘I know Sirius wants to but I'm not sure if Moony is ready for anything else.’

Neither was Remus if he was completely honest. For all the time they spent together huddled in a cocoon of comfort, that was as far as it all went. They hadn't reconciled in other ways; ways that had practically ruined their friendship when it had all turned horribly sour. The thing was, they could have; there had been plenty of opportunities as they had lain in bed for days on end together. Even now it would have been so easy for Remus to lean down and place his lips on the other boy’s; he knew Sirius would have let him and would have reciprocated quite eagerly. Yet they hadn't and he wouldn't. Everything had gone so completely to shit over the last few months that Remus wasn't willing to let it happen again. The only positive thing to have happened as a result of his mother’s death, if he could look at it at all in that way, was that he had dropped his anger at the other boy and had let him be a part of his life again. 

‘Did you ever suspect that they were, you know…?’ Remus then heard Lily prod his friend which was answered initially with a weary sigh.

‘Not a clue,’ the only awake boy answered. ‘I suppose in hindsight it all makes sense. Sirius being so narky with Lana. Saying that he's always been a jealous bastard when it comes to his friends. Then there was the whole outing Remus thing in the common room but… on the whole, it was a total shock.’

‘Boys are so blind,’ he then heard Lily laugh. ‘It was so obvious.’

‘Maybe to you,’ James replied jovially, ‘but then again I do recall you calling me pig ignorant more times than I can actually count so forgive me for not noticing.’ It was said with no malice and Remus had to stop himself from smiling at James’ first successful attempt to play it cool with the redhead so as not to give up his pretence that he was asleep. He listened to the pair chuckling for a moment when James spoke again.

‘Listen Li… Evans, I just want you to know no one can be more appalled than I am that Dumbledore made me Head Boy,’ and gone was his cool manner only to be replaced with a bumbling panic, ‘For the record I thought it was the worst idea the man’s probably ever had and I did write to him to tell he he’d made a mistake but he just brushed me off. He said he had faith in me or some crap like that. Anyway since I can't get out of it I thought you should know that, well, since you don't deserve me being head boy whilst you’re head girl… well… I’ve decided I'm really going to try and be good at it.’

There was a silence but when Remus chanced cracking an eye open to take in the scene taking place across from him in the carriage he was surprised to find Lily’s expression soft on hearing James’ heartfelt promise.

‘I know you have no reason to believe me. Especially after the time I promised you that I was not going to send you a Valentines that year and… well, you know, you were there and those pixies were rather violent… and then there was that time I promised to leave Baxter Buxly alone after he asked you out… and… well I guess I'm just going to have to prove to you that I'm serious.’

Remus held his breath for his friend.

‘Okay then,’ came the surprising reply.

‘W… what?’ The bespectacled young man sounded dumbfounded; taken by surprise by the redhead’s calm acceptance of his promise. Remus felt exactly the same. This was… this was new territory for them and Remus knew James wouldn't entirely be sure how to proceed when their interaction didn't involve sarcastic comments or hot-headed threats…

‘If you say you're going to try then I'm going to believe you,’ Lily clarified and for a moment Remus wondered if she had been hit by a hex before boarding the train. She seemed perfectly compos mentis when interacting with the rest of them before they had fallen asleep. 

Something was amiss…

‘But why?’ He heard James demand.

‘Because,’ the girl replied nonchalantly, ‘I think you're capable of keeping your promises now from what I've heard. You’ve been a good friend to Remus, especially over the last few months when he's needed you.’ Well that was more than true. ‘Plus you forgave Black and I know it wasn't just because I asked you. At some point you’ve grown up Potter and you're not nearly as bad as I once thought you were.’

Remus felt like he was now eavesdropping into something that would later be classed as a turning point for the two people having the discussion. Lily had spent so many years stubbornly not giving James the time of day, sometimes for justifiable reasons and sometimes not quite. Remus couldn't help but wonder if she too had been maturing over the last few months. This made his thoughts turn momentarily to the boy asleep in his lap. Perhaps they all had? 

-

The strange friendship between the boys continued for a few weeks. The pair would continue to rebuild it by practically becoming joined at the hip. Where Remus went, Sirius went; and Remus may have found it annoying had the opposite not been true. There was a comfort in always having the other boy nearby. Sirius would offer him company which was not laden with sympathetic looks (although at times the looks he gave Remus were laden with something else); he would sit quietly with him as he done nothing much at all or while he worked away at homework; he understood when he wanted to stay in a little cocoon of introvertism and was always around when Remus was feeling more sociable. The other two boys were of course understanding too; but Sirius seemed almost psychic to his moods and needs. 

One thing they did not do, however, was discuss anything that was remotely connected with what had been going on with them before the summer. Which was strange considering how touchy feely they were with one another. At times Remus wondered if he should just get it over and done with and just talk about what had happened but he was worried acknowledging it would force himself to make a decision about how he wanted things to be with Sirius and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that. 

But things were definitely getting a bit awkward between them. They had never been closer as friends yet Remus sometimes felt like he never knew what Sirius was thinking of at all. He knew his friend was likely to feel the same so one day, when it was just the pair of them smoking a fag out on the quad, he decided to broach the subject. 

‘So James knows?’ Remus was careful to be casual about what had been going left unsaid for a few weeks and noted the look of surprise on his friend’s face. Sirius studied the boy who was leaning against the opposite wall. He was squinting against the low autumn sun but was still somehow looking at Sirius expectantly. 

So this was the time, the Animagus thought to himself, they were finally going to talk about it.

Sirius nodded as he took a drag from cigarette; hoping to buy himself some time to get his words into order. He'd been waiting to talk about this from the second he realised he hadn't lost James over the news of his sexuality and now that it was here, he didn't want to tell it wrong.

‘He found out kind of by accident but I'm glad he did,’ he confessed and when Remus raised a quizzical eyebrow he continued, ‘The morning after I ran away from home my mother was kind enough to send me and the Potters a howler.’

Remus’ eyes widened at the implication of that piece of news. ‘She didn't?’ he chocked out in astonishment.

‘Yup,’ he nodded as he flicked the ash from his cigarette, ‘Which reminds me, I really need to start plotting my revenge.’ And now he was straining his eyes against the sun, ‘Anyway, she starts going on about me being a sodomite in this letter and James is asking about what the hell she’s going on about. Somewhere along the line it comes out that we’d been… sleeping together… and then at one point Prongs threatened to AK my mother.’

The werewolf looked stunned. Sirius couldn't blame him; as far as being outed went it was pretty horrific. Then again being outed to entire the school hadn't exactly been a picnic for Remus…

‘So he took it well then?’ Remus smiled a smile that was kind but also had an edge of “I told you so.”

‘Well he had a lot of questions and was pretty shocked but yeah, in general. He was… brilliant,’ he hesitated for a second, not knowing if he should divulge the rest of the story to Remus. On the belief that being upfront with his best friend was the best course to take forward, he continued. ‘He was pretty brilliant about catching me at it with that Richard bloke we met at Easter too.’ 

He’d had to look at his feet as he said it though and for a breath taking moment he could do nothing but stare at his newly acquired trainers as he waited for some kind of response from Remus.

‘When you say “at it” you mean…?’ The werewolf asked him cautiously.

Sirius took a deep breath to steady his nerves and looked at his friend through his fringe. He was mortified. ‘I mean… he caught us just as Richard had started to… fuck… me…’

Remus stared at him. Again his expression was of complete shock and for a second Sirius regretted being so honest but then something unexpected happened. Remus’ expression morphed into a barely contained grin and then even more unexpectedly he erupted into laughter. Great guffawing laughter. Sirius couldn't help but join in.

‘Fuck off,’ he admonished his best friend, ‘It was mortifying. Especially since Annabel from next door was with him.’

This only made Remus laugh harder and Sirius basked in the sound of it; it had been so rare these days to hear it.

'Richard?’ He eventually choked out; eyes gleaming with mirth, ‘Fucking hell!’

‘I was drunk!’ The raven haired boy protested, ‘So, so drunk and Prongs was trying to force me to bang Anna and I just… couldn't. So I ended up with him somehow.’

Remus was still smiling as he wrapped his lips around his cigarette. ‘I can't believe you choose Richard over Anna!’ He laughed out as he exhaled the smoke.

And it was awkward again for Sirius. ‘Yeah,’ was all he could think to say as he rubbed consciously at the back of his neck. ‘That's what Prongs said too but the thing is… ‘

Remus was looking at him expectantly and it made Sirius even more nervous to say what he was about to say. Sirius had caused him so much grief venomously denying what Remus had suspected all along and now he was going to point out he had been right all along. 

He gave himself a mental kick up the backside. Remus deserved the truth so he ventured on.

‘I'd always pick Richard over Anna cause… well, she's not a bloke and… I only really like them.’

And that stopped Remus from smiling. ‘Oh,’ he said dumbfounded before hissing in pain and throwing his cigarette away. He inspected his hand in silence for a moment and made Sirius nervous. ‘So you've got that sorted then?’ he finally asked soberly.

‘Yeah, I guess I have.’ The boy making the confession replied tightly.

‘And you're alright with that?’

‘I'm getting there I suppose.’ It was then his turn to discard his cigarette and once it left his fingers he leaned back against the wall. ‘I feel loads better now that I'm not as confused but then again, it's not as if knowing means everything's going to be okay.’ He confessed. ‘ I know how people are about this. I've heard how people go on about it with you and you at least like girls. I'm straight up not interested in them. I’m…’ He hesitated, not quite used to saying out load despite being pretty sure about it for the last few months, ‘I’m gay.’ Remus watched him with a worried expression. ‘And I'm never going to have the same things as others. I'll never get married and never have a family of my own. I know I've always joked that I never wanted to bring another Black into the world but I think I might have. I could have been a good dad.’

'You'd make an amazing dad,’ Remus assured him, ‘And an even better uncle.’

‘But you guys,’ Sirius pressed on, ‘You all get that; to be normal. I'll be the odd one out living like a deviant.’

‘You don't know that,’ Remus reassured him, ‘Nobody can predict the future Padfoot, despite what bloody Divination claims. The chances of James Potter living like a deviant is pretty likely considering he already is one.’

The pair laughed. 

'So what about you? You mentioned that your dad caught you with someone?’

‘Yeah, uh, that's not happening anymore. We’re just going to be friends.’

‘Right,’ Sirius nodded and decided to bravely push on. Remus had mentioned who the boy had been but Sirius had a pretty good idea who it might have been, ‘It was Thawley, wasn't it?’

Shock flitted across the werewolf’s features before being schooled into a wary expression.

‘Remus, I'm not going to say anything to anyone am I?’ The Raven haired boy reassured him, ‘I'd be a fucking hypocrite for one. It's just that I saw you both, on the train at the end of term. So, you know, I was just wondering if it was him. Plus Thawley needs to be a bit more discreet if he doesn't want anyone to know.’

Remus didn't say anything for a long moment. ‘Yeah it was and then everything happened with mum and then… I didn't actually tell him what had happened until after her funeral. It wasn't as if we were going out. We were just mates who were messing around; we both know where we stood. After everything, I just thought it'd be best if we just cooled things off. He's a good bloke though.’

‘Fit too,’ Sirius supplied in order to diffuse any awkwardness of the whole situation about listening to Remus talk about someone that wasn't him.

The werewolf laughed bashfully. ‘Yeah he is. He can just be my fit mate now.’

Once upon a time Sirius might have made a joke about how Remus only needed one fit mate in his life and would have needled Remus into admitting that he was the fittest of the fit. But times being what they were… they weren't quite at that stage of their newly reformed friendship. So in order to stick to the promise he'd made himself about being a better friend to Remus, Sirius pushed down any lingering feelings of jealousy and hurt and offered his friend a warm smile. It didn't exactly have the desired effect when Remus met Sirius with a similar one and it was all the animagus could do to keep himself from pushing himself off the wall he was leaning on to throw himself at the other boy. 

Oh Gods being Remus’ friend was going to be torture, especially when he smiled like that.

-  
‘No! Nooo!’

Sirius sprung from his sleep the second the protests had penetrated his unconscious brain. Siting up in bed he listened out for any more noise which came after a few thuds of his thunderous heartbeat.

‘St… stop!’ He heard a voice groan out in anguish. ‘Stop! Stop! No!’

‘Remus,’ the awake boy said without thinking as he jumped from his bed and made his way towards the other boy’s in the dark. This hadn't been the first time he had made this journey over the last fortnight. In fact, it was a rare night when he got an entire night’s sleep without the other boy interrupting it with cries of terror from whatever nightmare he was having.

‘Remus,’ he hushed as the werewolf tossed and turned in a panic as he slept, ‘Remus, hush now, you're fine. You're just dreaming.’

 

‘Sirius,’ the boy panted as his eyes battled to make sense of whether or not he was still asleep, ‘you’re… I just saw you… you’re okay…’

‘I'm okay Moony and so are you. It was just a dream,’ he soothed the boy as he pulled him into his arms.

'You were dead,' the werewolf gasped and Sirius could feel how worked up he was judging by the way his body was still rigid with fear. ‘You were dead, they got you. You were upstairs this time. You were up there with my dad. I was too late.’

Last time it had been Lily and the time before Remus had failed to save James and Peter on the Hogwarts Express.

‘You weren't Remus because it wasn't real. It was just a dream,’ the dark haired boy began rubbing his hand gently up and down the terrified one’s arm.

‘But it might not be,’ he muttered into Sirius’ chest and although his words were still panicked, Sirius could tell the werewolf had calmed some. ‘There's still people out there; people like your cousin. Those… death eaters. We’re all targets Sirius and I don't know what I'll do if anything happens to any of you lot.’

‘Nothing's going to happen…’

‘You can't know that!’ Remus’ ground out in frustration as he pulled away from his friend’s arms and sat up, ‘My dad and I, my mum… we never expected to be a target; not from them at least and look what happened. We can't take it for granted that we’ll be safe.’

‘Okay Moony,’ Sirius conceded as he also sat up, ‘but that doesn't mean we have to live our lives in constant fear.’

‘No you’re right,’ the auburn haired young man nodded fiercely, ‘it just means we need to be prepared. The only reason dad and I survived was because I was good at defending myself; because I had had plenty of practice.’

Guilt twisted in the animagus’ stomach when he realised why Remus was so well practiced at defending himself.

‘So that's what we’re going to do. We’re all going to practice. Me, you, James and Pete. Hell even Lily,’ his eyes flitted from side to side as he thought this through further. ‘Especially Lily,’ he amended. ‘She’s muggle born and that makes her more of a target than any of us.’

'Yeah,' was all Sirius could say softly as he took in the implications of his friend's plan.

‘Promise me you’ll do this with me Pads,’ the werewolf pleaded with him with an expression so pained and desperate that Sirius would have found it difficult to refuse him even if he wanted to.

‘Of course I will,’ he nodded in earnest, ‘Anything for you Moony.’ He cleared his throat when he realised how that had sounded. ‘It sounds like a brilliant idea. We’ll talk to the others tomorrow, okay?’

'Promise?' Sirius was fixed with a stare so intense that he felt like he would crack under it had he any intention to not keep his word.

‘I promise Moony. We’ll start tomorrow.’

 

-

That’s how the Marauders found themselves in the Defence classroom the next day undertaking extra curricular work for the first time that didn't involve a Bludger or a thinly veiled attempt to steal potions from Slughorn’s cabinet. 

Remus had naturally taken lead of their practice, being the best at defence, and he had been putting them through their paces all afternoon.

‘Come on now Moony,’ James tried to reason with their tutor gently, ‘Just look at him, he’s knackered. Let's all go to bed and we can pick this up another time.’

‘And what if something happens between now and this next time you’re referring too? Huh?’ Remus demanded angrily. ‘No. He needs to learn now!’

‘Nothing's going to happen. We’re safe here. Everyone knows that.’ James replied hesitantly.

‘No. Everyone assumes that!’ The werewolf bites back, ‘And that's what makes it more likely to happen! What's he going to do if some Death Eater figures out a way to break the wards? What's he going to do if they come after him? If they fire spell after spell at him and he’s not ready?’

‘Then we’ll protect him! We know it!’ James retorted but kept his tone calmer than his friend.

‘No,’ the auburn haired boy shook his head vehemently, ‘No! That's not good enough! It wasn't good enough for my mum. It won't be good enough for Peter.’

‘Moony, you're mum didn't know any magic. Peter does.’ Their friend attempted to reason with him.

‘It's still not enough.’ And the werewolf looked like he wanted to tear his own hair out. ‘They are relentless James. Relentless. They won't give up after just a few spells. They keep going until someone has won and if Pete’s even remotely weaker than they are then he certainly isn't going to be the one walking away alive. He’ll… I… I can't let that happen to him,’ Sirius’ sense of alarm had slowly been building when he had been watching the werewolf put their friend through his paces and now it peaked at seeing this same boy shake with –what?- panic? Tears were beginning to shine in Remus’ eyes and his anger seemed to have simmered down into grief, ‘I can't have another person I love die because they're not capable of protecting themselves. I know he can do this. He’s nearly there.’ He swung around to implore at their exhausted friend, ‘Please Pete. You’re almost there.’

The shortest of the four boys briefly grimaced before nodding in acceptance, ‘Alright Moony. I've got a few more rounds in me. Let's keep going.’

Sirius watched as the two boys silently made their way back to the centre of the room and then turned to find James shooting him a worried look. He shared the sentiment completely and so nodded in understanding. Remus wasn't doing so okay so he'd make it his duty to rectify that.

Sirius waited until they were finished and with a nod to the other two lads to go on ahead, he broached the subject with the werewolf.

‘Moons, are you sure you’re okay?’ He asked as his friend stuffed some papers into his book bag, ‘You seem a bit…’

‘I’m fine,’ he was interrupted.

‘You just seemed a bit…’ How was he going to word this delicately? ‘Obsessed.’

‘It’s only because I want Peter to be safe,’ the boy grumbled as he shoved the papers uncharacteristically forcefully into the bag; Remus usually treated anything educational as if it were a sacred artefact.

‘Yeah, I get that, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be the one that ensures that. Me and Prongs are here too, okay? We can help him and… we can help you too.’

Remus paused for a moment and gave a weary sigh.

‘Doing this is helping,’ the mourning boy finally looked up at him with an earnest expression. ‘I feel better knowing that what’s happened to mum is helping others in some way. We can’t stop these maniacs from doing what they’re doing but we can be prepared.’

‘That’s true,’ the concerned of the two conceded.

‘Knowing I can help save you guys from anything that might happen helps me… I don’t know. It makes mum’s death seem a tiny bit less senseless. She’d be proud to know I was taking action and helping others.’

-

However, Remus couldn’t save the whole school; or everyone he had grown to care for, for that matter. Within weeks of the Marauder’s practice sessions, just at the beginning of October, two other members of the Hogwarts populace were to find their family victim of another round of vicious attacks. It was late into a wet Saturday morning when Remus first heard the news; he had been sitting in the common room with Sirius pouring over his defence books so that he could work out why Peter wasn’t quite getting his Patronus to form properly when Mandy Hindleson from the year bellow came bursting into the room. She was visibly shaken and had rushed over to her group of friends.  
‘What is it?’ Remus heard one of her friend’s ask at the hysterical appearance of the girl. With a quick concerned glance to his friend, he turned in his seat to give the scene his full attention.  
‘It’s the Thawleys,’ She sobbed out, ‘Their parents.’  
Without realising it Remus got to his feet at the mention of his friend’s name.  
‘What about them?’ Lana was now placing a comforting arm around the girl and Remus knew he must have been wearing the same expression of confusion and concern.  
‘They’re dead!’ Mandy finally announced.  
‘What happened?’ Remus demanded gravely as he moved closer to the girl with information. He was vaguely aware of Sirius moving behind him.   
‘Their house was attacked like yours,’ the girl peered up at him with big, tearful eyes.  
‘Death Eaters,’ he heard Sirius mumble behind him and judging by the gasps of horror from the girls around Mandy, so had they.  
Remus’ blood ran cold. ‘Oscar and Olivia? How? Are they okay?’ his panic caused him to struggle with his words.  
‘They were here, thank Circe, but they were supposed to be going home today for a visit. Olivia had mentioned it to me last week. It was their parent’s 25th wedding anniversary or something and the twins had been given permission to floo home for the weekend to help them celebrate.’  
He heard the girls gasp again.  
The near coincidence of the twins being home didn’t sit right with the werewolf; it seemed too close for comfort where he was concerned.  
‘They missed their target again,’ Sirius spoke up; echoing his thoughts. They shared a concerned look.  
‘You think someone was trying to kill them too?’ Mandy questioned teary eyed.   
Remus nodded gravely. ‘The Thawleys are half-bloods. They’re natural targets. When did it happen?’  
‘This morning,’ the girl replied now in a state of shock, ‘You think someone thought Oscar and Olivia were already home?’  
‘It’s too good an opportunity to miss,’ Sirius interjected with a grim expression. ‘Death Eaters don’t want Muggle borns and half-bloods in magical society, let alone at the school. They would have tried to wipe out the family to prove a point.’  
‘Poor Olivia and Oscar,’ one of the other girls broke down and one of the fifth year boys moved across the room to comfort her. That’s when Remus noticed the whole common room was in a state of shock. He looked around the room and took in the sight. They were all children; they shouldn’t need to be worrying about those kind of things happening to them and their family. They should have been worrying about homework and friends and the people they fancied; not this. Except now they had to and now they needed to make sure that they could protect themselves. If his family was a target for those monsters, and the Thawleys were too, then there was nothing stopping anyone else in that room from becoming one also.   
‘Remus?’ Sirius placed a hand on the boy’s back as he tried to read his expression.  
‘We need to do something to help,’ the werewolf blurted out his plan, ‘Everyone needs to know how to protect themselves; they need to learn just like we have.’  
‘What are you saying?’ Grey eyes searched his own golden ones for an understanding.  
‘I need to go speak to Dumbledore,’ the focussed young man began to move into action. ‘We can’t just let everyone be defenceless against this. Everyone had a right to be able to defend themselves!’


	26. Truth and Devotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius' continues being honest; Remus gets his first taste of teaching and the Marauders have their final Halloween ball at Hogwarts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry once again for the gigantic wait between chapters. Life has been mega busy for me again. A few things I want to say about this chapter are: 1. There may be some similarities between OotP but this is how I imagine Remus regaining some of his reputation back. 2. I think this might be the penultimate chapter? I'm not completely sure. It really depends on how it goes writing the next one. You know what I'm like. Anyway thank you for all the lovely comments and hi to new subscribers/bookmarkers! *waves* As always comments are always welcome! I hope everyone enjoys this part!

CHAPTER 26 – Truth and Devotion

It was the following Sunday morning when Remus’ plan was able to be put into action. Dumbledore, along with Professor McGonagall and Professor Lexter, had given the werewolf the go ahead with his idea and permission to use the DADA classroom, doing so under the condition that all pupils were allowed to attend regardless of their age and house. During the week leading up to the inaugural meeting of what was to be known as the Additional Defence Club, Remus had met with Professor Lexter for advice on what defence strategies Remus should include which weren’t already going to be taught in the basic curriculum of the school and before they all knew it, the Marauders were standing facing a crowd of willing club members staring back at them.

‘Right then,’ the mastermind of the club breathed out nervously as he wrung his hands together, ‘If I could get everyone’s attention!’

‘Oh great, it’s queer boy who’s running the show.’ Reuben Colbert, a fifth year Gryffindor droned to the boy sitting next to him loud enough for everyone in the room to hear, ‘At least he’ll be able to show us how to flick our wrists properly.’

Some sniggers erupted in the room but Remus appeared unfazed by them while Colbert appeared to be immensely pleased with the reaction he had garnered from the crowd. Sirius narrowed his grey eyes at the idiot, ready to let his sharp tongue lash out when:

'Oi! Colbert! Shut your fucking mouth!’ James spat out angrily from his position next to Remus. Sirius noted that he too was clenching his fists; a natural instinct to punch the living lights out of anyone who slagged their friend off.

‘If Lupin can't fight his own battles then what's he doing preaching to us?’ The boy retorted back and again some students laughed. Sirius couldn’t believe this. Remus, out of the goodness of his own heart had organised this club to help protect his fellow students and this was the kind of respect he was being shown?

'You weren't exactly saying that when he hexed the shit out you for being an arsehole last year, you little berk!’ James shot back with a valid piece of information.

‘Yeah, well he shot a nonverbal at me so how was I supposed to defend myself? Sneaky if you ask me,’ the younger Gryffindor drawled out with his arms crossed.

‘Exactly,’ Sirius stepped in, ‘that’s the point, you moron. And it's not just little toe rags like you he's had to fight off. He fought off Death Eaters and cast a full Patronus on his very first attempt and not only can he do nonverbal spells but he can do them without a wand.’

‘No way!’ Remus heard a second year Hufflepuff gasp but was countered with a ‘bullshit!’ from the heckling student that was waging a slanging match against the werewolf. 

Sirius saw red. How dare he! 

‘You have no idea what kind of shit he has had to go through!’ he seethed in disbelief, ‘He's easily the smartest student in the castle and he could probably take on half the staff in a battle and win! So if that's not good enough for you then I suggest you clear off! He doesn't need to do this but he is because that's just the kind of guy he is! He's brilliant at this stuff so I'd shut your fat gob and listen to him!’

‘Pfft! Calm down Black!’ Colbert mocked, ‘Anyone would think you were queer too judging by how much you admire your boyfriend!’ And once again some of the students laughed.

For a tiny moment a jolt of fear, the same kind that had been plaguing him for the better part of a year, struck him. This is what he had been fearing; having the entire school find out about his preferences and essentially laugh in his face in the same way they had Remus. It wasn’t exactly pleasant experiencing the joking speculation but it wasn’t exactly earth shattering either. As Sirius peered out into the crowd he took in the faces of his fellow students and realised a few things. 

They didn’t matter. 

Not really; not to him. They mattered in the way that none of them, even the pricks who teased Remus, didn’t deserve to be obliterated from this earth by monsters in masks; but not on a personal level. He didn’t give a shit about what most of them got up to away from this room; what their hobbies were; who they fancied; what their private worries were. He couldn’t give a toss. So on that logic he realised how little their opinions mattered to him; how little he needed their respect. Of course there were some people he cared about. Over on the right stood Lily and her friends Marlene, Alice and Emmaline. He cared about them because it turned out they were a fantastic bunch of girls. Frank Longbottom was alright too and of course he had Peter, James and Remus but beyond that he really couldn’t give a fuck and he was tired of giving a fuck. He was also tired of the guilt he felt whenever Remus was targeted for his preferences, especially when Sirius more than shared them. Every time Remus received some form of homophobic abuse Sirius felt like he was a sham of a friend letting him take the heat. What kind of friend was he to not stand by him? So yes he had publicly defended him but it wasn’t quite the same. He needed to stand up and say that Remus being queer was fine, especially with him because he was too and that anything said to Remus needed to be applied to him! That not only would they have one poof to contend with kicking their arses but him also.

As people continued to laugh he exchanged a quick, desperate glance towards James. In the second that their eyes met they had that old familiar conversation they had always been able to have without words: ‘Have you got my back?’ and the almost constant reply of ‘of course.’ Sirius then looked to his other friend; the one he had been defending. If all those words could be true about Remus; that he was brave, smart, valuable, then why could the same not be true of him? Remus didn't hide who he was and he was still all those things. He just needed to fight a little harder to prove them and Sirius usually enjoyed a good fight.

He steeled himself by straightening his back and stared with cold defiance at Colbert.

‘And what if I am?’ The disinherited heir challenged back using the arrogance he usually reserved for Quidditch matches and fights with Slytherins. 

The room went quiet in an instant and a bewildered expression crossed the heckling boy’s face.

‘Oh what, you're Lupin’s boyfriend now are you?’ Colbert’s friend –whatshisface- retorted sceptically as Colbert shook his head incredulously as if it were the most unlikely idea he had ever heard.

‘No,’ Sirius replied bluntly and he watched for a second as the boy shook his head smiled smugly. ‘But I am bent.’ He ignored the gasp of shock and muttering which erupted in the room as he continued ‘So if you’ve got a fucking problem I'll not hesitate to prove how easy it is for a poof to kick your arse!’ 

The room was still.

And then it wasn’t. 

Shocked chatter erupted in the room and the boys at the receiving end of the threat appeared to be too bewildered by the confession and the subsequent commotion it had caused to make any counter threat. It was as Sirius’ anger began to subside and he began to overhear snippets of conversation coming from the crowd of his fellow students did he wonder if that was the best possible way to announce to the world his newly identified sexual orientation.

‘I can't believe it!’ He heard a voice in the crowd hiss.

‘Hasn't he shagged most of the girls in school?’ Another unconvinced one could be heard.

‘Is it a joke?’

‘I knew he was too good looking! What a waste!’ The voice of Melanie Rose was just audible that time.

‘Is Potter one too then?’ Another could be heard querying. 

‘Alright, okay,’ Remus finally interjected when the scene seemed to be getting slightly out of hand and reluctantly the crowd began to quieten. ‘This is not why we’re all here, okay? We’re here because there's some seriously dangerous things happening out there even if the Ministry are refusing to fully acknowledge it. These Death Eaters are attacking families and there's no denying that they’re targeting muggle born or half-blood families. So if you want to learn how to protect yourself then you're welcome to stay. If you’re hung up about what I do in my private life then that's your issue and you can leave; now if you'd like.’

Sirius marvelled at the fact that not a single person moved; even Colbert and his friend. He was also a little in awe at how everyone was giving Remus the kind of attention usually reserved for Albus Dumbledore whenever he made one of his speeches in the Great Hall. 

‘Okay then. Well we’ve got permission to use the DADA room every Sunday morning so we’ll meet here every week after breakfast, alright?’ The crowd muttered their agreement.

‘And yes, I can do non-verbal and wandless Magic and my hexes are pretty good but it's only because I practiced. So there's no reason why everyone in this room can't do the same if they practice too.’ The werewolf claimed modestly. 

‘Yeah but surely we’re not all going to cast a Patronus first time?’ A voice cried out.

‘It’s unlikely,’ the unknown werewolf admitted, ‘but practicing will ensure that if the time comes when you need to cast one to ensure your own safety, you’re going to be ready. We need to be ready. My mum wasn’t, the Thawley’s weren’t cause they were muggles. So I promise you this, if you’re prepared to come here and work at it, I’ll make sure you’re ready. It’s the only defence we have against these monsters.’

-

‘You didn't need to do that you know,’ Remus spoke up once everyone else had left the Defence classroom, ‘It's nobody else's business, as long as you're honest with yourself and the people around you who matter. None of that lot matter.’

Remus studied his friend for a moment as Sirius tried to gather his thoughts on what was effectively a life changing moment for him. It all seemed like a blur when he tried to think about what had happened.

‘I used to think they did,’ Sirius finally admitted, ‘I was so scared of what people were going to think of me if they found out.’

‘So what changed your mind?’ The amber eyed boy leaned against a table as he continued to survey his friend with an expression his friend found difficult to decipher.

You. It’s what he wanted to say. You changed my mind because I am so in love with you that I would stand beside you through anything… but he didn’t. He couldn’t. 

‘I’ve since realised that there are scarier things to be afraid of,’ the Animagus confided, ‘but more importantly worst things to be ashamed of.’

Remus looked genuinely surprised at his reasoning and Sirius felt it too. It sounded entirely too reasonable to have come from him.

‘Well I thought it was very brave of you.’

‘Not stupid?’

‘Well maybe just a little,’ the werewolf grinned warmly, ‘but you're always doing stupid things so…’ His smile sobered a little, ‘You’re not worried about how some of the lads are going to treat you?’

‘Please!’ the dark haired boy laughed off Remus’ concern, ‘I've been looking for an excuse to have a scrap in the hallway now that two of you are traitors to the prefect badges. Plus I saw how a few of them were looking at me during the meeting; some of them are curious about my fists doing other things than just smacking them in the face.’

Remus once again barked out a laugh, this time at his friend’s bravado and a little at the fact that he knew Sirius was probably right. He was very pretty after all. 

-

The next defence meeting saw a higher turnout than the first week. Word of Remus’ promise to prepare students so that they could save themselves in these uncertain times must have seemed like a tempting offer, Sirius mused as he watched Remus explain the best ways to quickly cast basic shield charms. It was a large group yet Remus was somehow holding every single person’s attention. Sirius was actually quite impressed. He and James were usually the ones to court the attention of a room with stupid antics and tall tales but Remus was doing so just by being his calm, methodical self. He appeared to have the patience of a saint with those who required extra support with the casting of their spells and was sincerely pleased for those who were successful in their shield charms. In short, he was natural at teaching and over the course of the extra-curricular lesson, there wasn’t a single pupil who could not cast the advanced shielding spell Remus had eventually showed them; including the vulnerable first years. Gratitude and respect poured from the student body who were in attendance of Remus' club and Sirius felt fit to burst in pride for his best friend.

Sirius himself wasn't fairing too badly in the popularity department either; despite his coming out. He figured most students probably thought he had been joking or had tried to be outrageous or was making an attempt to piss off his parents or some rot like that and so he hadn’t faced quite the same back lash as Remus had. That wasn’t to say that he hadn’t received some abuse. A fair few times he’d have a standoff with some lad or another, usually Slytherin, but not always. When it happened he just gave as good as he got and it didn’t feel much different from his usual hallway spats anyway. Plus there was the fact that he took immense pleasure in using his queer preferences as a way to rile up his foes. Just the other day Marcus Broady, a sixth year Ravenclaw from a very prominent pureblood family which were often found socialising in the same circles as the Black family, had tried to make a jibe about him being a cock sucker. Sirius had whirled around in the corridor to face the redheaded bigot with his patented smirk and responded by saying: ‘According to your father I’m excellent at it.’

Broady’s expression had instantly slid from a cocky sneer to that of absolute horror as his friends burst into laughter at Sirius’ retort.

‘Can’t say the same about him,’ the disinherited heir had continued, ‘Chokes a bit on me, cause I’m so big, but his arse can take it, which is the main thing I suppose. Tell old Archie I say hello. I haven’t seen him since the Yaxley do back at Christmas. In the cloakroom if I remember correctly.’

He’d been poised for a fight after making those claims about the boy’s father but Broady was so stunned that his friend’s eventually had to push him along the corridor to get him to class in time. James had also seemed a bit stunned by his slight against the other boy’s father but in a totally different way.

‘Mate,’ he had choked out in disbelief as they walked towards Potions, ‘That was fucking brilliant!’

‘I know,’ Sirius had replied smugly; because it was.

And there had been another side effect to coming out that Sirius had stupidly not considered, probably because he had been so terrified of the negativity he was likely to receive. No, he really hadn’t thought about it at all. So it was a surprise when the propositions began to happen. The first had been from Max Milchild of Hufflepuff who was also a seventh year. Sirius had been so terribly naïve about the whole situation that he hadn’t even realised he’d been hit on until afterwards when lying in bed. The blonde boy had never really had cause to interact much with Sirius since about third year so he had found it puzzling when Milchild had began to make chit chat with him in the library. After discussing Quidditch he’d then begun to tell Sirius about a secret passage he had found and how he wanted show Sirius where it was. The animagus was never really one for passing these kind of opportunities up, especially since they had mapped the castle out in fifth year and he was curious whether or not this tunnel was something they had missed out during their plotting. However, he had promised to pick Remus up some books to take back to the dorm so that he could get caught up with various pieces of coursework after the full moon so had declined the other boy’s offer.

‘Maybe another time, I’ll tell Potter to come along?’ He had suggested to Milchild to which the other boy shook his head.

‘I’d much rather show you it alone,’ the boy had insisted, and on hindsight had fixed Sirius with a rather intense stare. The dim witted Sirius at the time had shrugged the invitation off but he’d felt flabbergasted when he had his lightbulb moment when thinking about it later on that evening.

It wasn’t a single occurrence either and he was forced to bring it up after the fifth time it had happened. Fifth!! 

He’d approached the breakfast table one morning when he was met by a puzzled look on James and Peter’s faces (Remus was looking down the other end of the table in search of the marmalade).

‘What’s Alderson after? I didn’t know you were on friendly terms?’ James had observed and he was right but apparently that didn’t matter much to Alderson.

‘Nothing,’ Sirius had tried to bluff but clearly wasn’t successful; that, or the fact that it was highly strange that Alderson had taken Sirius over to the side of the hall to talk to him in a civil manner had made something twig in Wormtail’s mind because his eyes went wide with alarm before he spat out: ‘He was cracking on to you!’

‘What!’ James had laughed out and Remus’ head had whipped around.

‘No,’ the dark haired boy had squirmed. 

‘Oh my God! He was!’ James guffawed, seeing through his terrible lying skills.

‘Keep your voice down!’ Sirius had hissed which was just as good as an admission.

‘Holy shit!’ James shook his head in astonishment, ‘Who knew!’ He then turned to Remus, ‘Did you know he was bent?’

The werewolf merely shrugged his shoulders in denial of all knowledge. ‘I only know of me and Pads. Looks like I’m not his cup of tea.’

‘Fucking hell, Alderson likes a bit of cock.’

‘He’s not the only one,’ Sirius admitted before catching himself. He hadn’t really wanted to divulge the information of his popularity with some of the boys of Hogwarts to Remus. The thought of doing so made him feel a little uneasy but his bloody, stupid mouth had acted on its own accord without his brain’s permission like it usually did.

‘No!’ James gasped and stared at him with rapt attention; as did Peter. 

Sirius leaned forward across the table in a manner akin to the way he would when sharing a really excellent idea for a prank. His eyes had briefly flicked to Remus’ and he found that his interest was also piqued. In for a penny, in for a pound.

‘It’s the fifth time it’s bloody happened,’ he spoke quietly amongst his friends.

‘Fifth?’ James mouthed back to him and Hogwarts’ most eligible gay lad nodded with just as much astonishment.

‘Fuck me!’ His best friend said in bewilderment before an ear splitting grin cracked his features, ‘Not that you need to; sounds like you’ve got plenty to choose from!’ And again Sirius began to feel uneasy. His eyes flicked again towards his werewolf friend and he found he looked just as surprised as the others.

‘Who knew Hogwarts had so many gays?’ Peter verbalised the thoughts of the entire group.

-

The weeks began to pass very quickly and before anyone knew it the Additional Defence Club was on its sixth week and the group of students had already learned many ways of defending themselves. These were the shield charms Remus had taught them; the jinxes he had demonstrated to them and then a fair few disarming and attack spells too. He had been quite glad of the varied skills he had been able to help his fellow students to master. Well that was until he had walked in to the dormitory one day to find Sirius and James engaged in one of their legendary wrestling matches they would sometimes need to resort to in order to resolve their differences on some matter or another. Remus had felt like a colossal idiot not thinking of it sooner. Yes the students who attended the club were making their way towards being able to adequately defend themselves in a magical battle but they could quite possibly have the upper hand if they were to be able to defend themselves the good old fashioned muggle way too.

So that was what had happened to bring them to this point and now it was happening Remus was no longer convinced that it was a great idea. Well, actually, he thought the content of what James and Sirius was trying to teach the other students was absolutely vital but he wasn't exactly convinced that two of Hogwart’s biggest trouble makers should have been put in charge of delivering this particular aspect of the defence curriculum.

‘The secret to a very good punch…’ Sirius addressed his pupils with a smugness which Remus was suspicious of, ‘is to aim your first two knuckles on the others person’s face, or any other part of their body you want to attack.’

‘I personally recommend aiming for the kidneys,’ James chimed in to which Sirius nodded sagely in agreement with.

‘The neck’s a pretty good place too.’ The part-time dog added as an afterthought which began the boys on a tangent not quite in line with what they were supposed to be doing.

‘Oh remember that time I punched Malcolm Avery in the dick!’ James reminisced with glee, seemingly forgetting he had fellow students to educate, ‘he had to piss sitting down for a week apparently!’

Remus smacked his hands over his face in despair. He should have known better.

‘Oh yeah!’ Sirius’ face lit up in remembrance 'Didn't he eventually go to Pomfrey for some Skeleto-Gro?’

‘Ha! He must have had quite the boner afterwards!’ James joked.

'Oh Jesus,' a voice in his ear echoed Remus' thoughts and he turned to find Lily cringing at the scene unfolding in front of them.

‘This was such a bad idea,’ Remus agreed; finally vocalising his unease with giving Gryffindor’s biggest attention seekers a captive audience.

'You've obviously gone mad,’ the redhead concluded and then pulled a face, ‘Then again I think I have too because I am finding it quite entertaining.’

Remus couldn’t help but grin at his friend. ‘It must be all that time you’re spending with James. Don’t think I don’t notice the amount of times you ask him for help.’

‘Excuse me!’ Lily gasped incredulously, ‘I’m the one who was helping him those times.’

‘Well, my point is, Miss Evans, is that you do it so willingly, so often. You shouldn’t be ashamed to admit that he’s growing on you.’

‘Perhaps,’ the girl appeared to contemplate, ‘Like a mould, I’d say.’

‘You’re terrible,’ The amber eyed boy shook his head in good humour as he turned back to the scene unfolding in the middle of the room. At that moment Sirius was landing a punch on James’ jaw in slow motion with the kind of drama reserved for a pantomime.

‘Yeah I guess I am,’ the girl admitted, ‘He hasn’t been nearly as annoying as he normally is. It’s infuriating really, finding out he’s a great bloke after all this time.’

Remus’ head whipped round the moment he worked out what the redhead was insinuating but just as his eyes made contact with hers his attention was drawn back to his friend’s.

‘You arsehole!’ James was shouting as he clutched his jaw, ‘I wasn’t even ready. That fucking hurt.’

‘I can’t help it if you have sloppy reflexes,’ the other boy shrugged.

‘I’ll show you sloppy reflexes you bastard!’

‘Oh fuck!’ Remus cried and jumped into action. He knew this had been a bad idea.

-

‘Well that went well,’ Sirius laughed as Remus inspected his burst lip. Due to the unexpected violent turn Sirius and James’ fighting lesson had taken the rest of the club members had been dismissed. James had been taken to see Madame Pomfrey by Lily, which Remus had seen as a good opportunity to let the pair be alone so Remus had stayed behind with the other injured party, confident his own healing skills could cope with the product of James’ retaliation. He dabbed at the blood with a tissue so that he could see what he was dealing with before he attempted to heal it. As he continued to work away he was aware that he was being stared at, no doubt with an expression that was likely to distract him from the task at hand if he were to look up into Sirius’ gaze so he steadfastly ignored him.

 

‘How’s your patronus coming along?’ Remus asked in order to diffuse the tension. Unlike Remus, Sirius hadn’t been capable of producing his patronus on the first go. Along with Lily and James he had been trying for the better part of two weeks and had so far been able to form an intangible one, which Remus was still mightily impressed with considering not all wizards and witches were capable of even conjuring that. 

‘Still just the same,’ the dark haired wizard replied a little glumly, ‘Maybe that’s just as far as I’ll get with it. Prongs hasn’t managed anything yet.’

‘Just don’t put too much pressure on it,’ Remus suggested kindly, ‘How about that new shield charm?’

'The same really,’ the Animagus replied with an edge of frustration on his voice. ‘I just don't know where I'm going wrong with it? You make it look so easy but it's not. I'm twisting my wrist on the flick but it's just not happening.’

‘Well let me finish up here and you can show me what you've been doing. Maybe we can work out together where you’re going wrong?’ 

'Alright,' the injured boy agreed to the plan and sat as his friend began to stroke tenderly at the cut in his lip with his forefinger. It was intimate and was reminiscent of the times when their roles were reversed and Sirius would be the one looking after the boy standing across from him. The Animagus took the opportunity to openly study his friend’s face. God Remus was beautiful with all his imperfections and quirks. There wasn't a single person he could recall being more perfect than the boy standing in front of him. Yes some of the lads who had been propositioning Sirius over the last few weeks had been handsome and their offers tempting but none of them held Sirius’ interest like Remus could. None of them lit that spark within him like this boy.

‘Episkey,’ Remus eventually muttered and Sirius could feel his lip magically sew back together until it was as if it had never been split in the first pace. He continued to watch Remus who appeared to be deep in thought as he inspected his work. He seemed to be taking his precious time checking that the lip was healed properly and Sirius suspected that he was finding it difficult to take a step away from their close proximity but as pragmatic as he was was, Remus did eventually pull himself away.

‘Go on then,’ he said when he was a suitable distance from Sirius, ‘Show me how you've been casting the shield charm then.’

The raven haired boy did as he was instructed and just as always the spell didn't quite cast the way it should have with a luminescent shield. 

‘I think I know what's wrong.’ Sirius took an inhale of breath as Remus moved up close behind him, making first contact with him by placing his hands on his shoulders, ‘You need to relax your posture a bit.’ It sounded like an easy enough piece of advice to follow but in reality, when Remus had his hands on him and his breath was tickling Sirius’ neck like it was, it was nigh impossible.

‘It's natural to be tense when you’re defending yourself,’ the werewolf continued and began to rub at Sirius’ tense shoulders, which somehow actually helped to relax the Animagus’ body despite sending his mind reeling. ‘But being relaxed will not only allow you to cast the spell…’ And then one of the werewolve’s hands was travelling down the disinherited heir’s arm, putting it into position, ‘…but it will also allow you to maintain and control it better.’ 

Control. That was exactly what Sirius needed to do in that moment as Remus stood flush against him. Both of them were silent and in that moment Sirius was acutely aware that they were breathing, somewhat shallowly, in sync with one another. He could feel it in the way that their bodies were moving almost as one and also in the way that he could feel the werewolf breathing heavily down his neck. It was tantalising. It was intoxicating. It was all too much for Sirius and before he knew it he was turning his head around slowly so that his lips were inching closer to that of the other boy’s. He needed to… he was so desperate to…

The gap between them widened in the split of a second and Sirius heart dropped to see Remus staring at him with frightened eyes. They had been so close. Sirius had thought they had been building up to this moment for some time now. Obviously he was wrong.

‘Moony,’ he tried in a strained voice.

‘I… er…’ The spooked young man flustered, ‘I think I should go… I… yeah…’ And with that incoherent explanation he turned and began walking out of the classroom.

‘Moony, please! I won’t…’ But it was no use making promises he knew he couldn't keep so Sirius didn't bother making one. Instead he watched Remus’ retreating form as he made his out of the room and slipped through the large doors of the DADA classroom. The rejection stung. It really stung if Sirius was being honest with himself, which these days he was. He thought he was getting somewhere with Remus. He thought… well, he thought they had been getting close again at least and then he had to go and fuck it all up.

Sirius began doing what he usually did when he felt this frustrated, he began to lash out, except this time doing so with his wand. He quickly fired off some stunners towards the duel dummy, which sent it careering around the room. Then he moved on to some of the newer spells he had been learning; a rapid light dimming spell used to confuse opponents; a curse which makes foes feel dizzy and unbalanced and lastly the advanced shield charm he had been trying to master all morning which surprisingly worked despite the fact that he was anything but relaxed. He wondered if it had anything to do with the emotional energy which was coursing through him and on that thought, and not much else, he fired off a quick ‘Expecto Patronum!’ using a random happy memory which quickly popped to the forefront of his mind. He’d previously been using the memory of revealing his Animagus form to Remus back in fifth year which had helped to create an intangible one but not the full corporeal one. This time the memory of Remus’ face when he had woken up the morning after the first moon with all four Maurauders had joined the wolf had randomly popped into his mind. The werewolf had woken up on the shack floor, draped in an old blanket and wearing an expression of complete and utter bafflement that he had not been in the same pain as he usually was post moon; ergo, that their crazy plan to help had actually worked! Sirius had never used this memory seeing as the previous one seemed to elicit a response from his wand but now that he had, it was clear it was the right one because out from his wand shot a blast of powerful magic and right before his disbelieving eyes stood an ethereal, yet strong looking… wolf…

Sirius blinked at it in astonishment. It was… beautiful. It was… ‘Moony?’ He had uttered it in confusion but it seemed like the patronus had taken it as some kind of command because before the Animagus knew the spectre like wolf had turned on its heels and was running out of the room.

‘Shit!’

-  
Remus cursed himself as he banged his head against the stone wall of the corridor. He hadn’t meant to flee like that. He hadn’t meant to almost kiss Sirius either but he certainly hadn’t meant to react in such a panicked way. He and Sirius had been getting back on track… they were getting back to being proper and friends and now… now… He had messed it all up by acting all awkward and freaked out. Fantastic progress. Flippin’ marvellous!

He supposed he could back to the room and clear the air. He hadn’t ventured too far from the DADA room himself and he knew Sirius had yet to leave on account that he hadn’t passed him by. He could go back and apologise; explain why he ran and do some damage control before things got monumentally awkward again. After a quick thought about what he was going to say to his, undoubtedly confused, best friend Remus pushed himself from the wall and made his way around the corner to the corridor which would lead him straight back to the classroom he had not long ago made a hasty exit from. He was so deep in thought, rehearsing his words of apology, that he wasn’t aware that he wasn’t alone in the hallway. It took for a strange, whirring, undeniably magical noise to make him glance up from the floor to see a strange, otherworldly creature bounding towards him. He couldn’t work out what it was initially but as it got closer Remus could recognise the gait of the creature before recognising anything else. Mere feet away from him walked the unmistakable form of a wolf…

He stood stock still as the wolf apparition came to a stop, sat on its hind legs and cocked its head to the side and stared at him. What the fuck was going on? Was he having some kind of aneurism? A mental breakdown? Vision? Why was a ghost like wolf standing staring at him with a curious look in its eyes? Did this happen to all werewolves? All of these thoughts whizzed through the confused young man’s mind in a matter of seconds and after a curious twitch of the spectre’s eyebrows it all became clear. The wolf finally opened its mouth and spoke with the very familiar voice of Sirius Black.

‘Moony?’ it said and everything slotted into place for Remus.

‘Holy shit!’ he exclaimed at the realisation of what he was seeing. This was… This was… He couldn’t believe it! 

Remus’ body moved in to action all at once, causing him to miss the wolf evaporating into the air. He couldn’t believe it! Sirius had managed his patronus! He had managed it and it was a wolf! A bloody wolf! He… It… Remus could barely gather his thoughts together and before he knew it was throwing the door to the DADA classroom open to find his friend standing, looking absolutely stunned.

‘You managed it!’ 

‘I did…’ Sirius sounded stunned too.

‘You managed it! You done it!’ Remus strode towards the other boy and seized him in a hug, ‘I… I’m so proud of you!’

‘Me too!’ came a muffled and still astonished voice of his successful friend as he wrapped his arms around the werewolf. 

-

Days passed since Sirius’ first successful attempt at his patronus and before anyone knew it, it was Halloween. 

The last couple of days had been interesting, Remus pondered as he made his way back through the Gryffindor common room with the intent of going back up to his dormitory. He had been down in the prefect’s bathroom with James getting ready for the Halloween ball, leaving the dormitory bathroom free for Sirius and Peter to get ready in, and was half dressed in his costume. 

Ever since Sunday he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about his friend’s patronus and what it all meant. Surely it had to mean something that Sirius’ spirit guardian was a wolf whereas his was a great, big shaggy dog? Surely? He wasn’t the only one to think so judging by the looks he had been receiving from James and the sheepish nature of the caster of the spell whenever it was brought up. Remus had tried looking the matter up in the library but had been met with so many conflicting theories about the significance of the forms patronus’ take that he didn’t know what to think. He had been surprised back in August at the sight of his own patronus and had wondered about what it had meant but he had reasoned it away to be a coincidence but this… this was… 

'S...Sirius?!' Remus stuttered out in shock at the sight of his friend as he entered the dormitory. He couldn’t believe his eyes. 'Wha... Please tell me you're not dressing up as...'

Remus really couldn’t fathom what his friend could have been thinking. Even Sirius couldn't have been this insensitive and brash?

'I'm the Great Dictator!' Sirius grinned and Remus couldn’t take his eyes of the small, boxy black moustache which took residence on his friend's upper lip.

'But... You... It's...' he spluttered in absolute horror, 'Sirius you really cannot go downstairs... It'd be like dressing as Grindelwald... Probably worse... Especially for the muggle kids...'

'Eh?' Sirius' face contorted into confusion as he began to climb into a pair of black trousers.

'It's offensive, is what it is!' Remus finally managed a fully formed sentence, 'Dumbledore'll have you thrown out!'

'Why?' the moustachioed boy looked no more enlightened as he stood with his hands on his hips, 'What's Dumbledore got against the Little Tramp? If anything I'd have thought it would be right up his street!'

'Eh?' Now it was Remus' turn to stand gawping gormlessly at his friend.

'The Great Dictator? The Little tramp?' Sirius reiterated as he pulled on a shabby dress shirt, 'I'm Chaplin!'

It took a second for this to sink in and when it does relief, as well as a little embarrassment, washed over Remus.

'I've got a cane and everything!' Sirius boasted in childish delight before realisation dawns on him, 'Remus, you didn't think I was going dressed as...'

'The moustaches are almost identical,' Remus shrugged in meek defence, 'And you did say you were the Great Dictator?'

Sirius barked out a great booming laugh at the mix up.

'Jesus Moony! I don't even think Lucius Malfoy would dare dress up as Hitler and he'd probably be gagging to have a cup of tea with the bloke if he were alive!'

Remus first smiled and then shuddered at the thought of how true the sentiment was. 

'Do us a favour will you?' Sirius broke into his thoughts. He looked up to see him messing around hopelessly with a neck tie; his eyes almost crossed over in concentration with the futile task of trying to tie it.

'You could always magic it tied you know?' the werewolf suggested but he crosses over to his friend knowing full well what the reply wass going to be.

'You know someone invented that charm to choke me!' Sirius predictably replied, 'I suspect it was a member of my family generations ago who had the gift of foresight.'

Remus couldn't help but smile at the paranoia. Especially when it was true that Sirius was the only one out of the four Marauders that has that particular problem.

'What are you dressed as then?' the dark haired boy then asked him as he began working on Sirius' neck tie, 'That is the most excellent jacket I have ever seen in my life by the way.'

Remus' eyes briefly lowered to his own attire, taking in the navy blue uniform with it's shiny buttons.

'I, my historically challenged friend, am an 18th century naval officer,' he replied while knotting the tie, 'I've even got medals and everything!'

'And a pair of extremely tight breeches by the looks of things,' Sirius mischievously wiggled his eyebrows.

'Er, well...' Remus blushed at the implications of his friend's words and cursed their close proximity.

'No need for the Moony blush!' his teasing friend playfully admonished him, 'Tight is always alright by me!'

'On everyone?'

'Everyone! You know my philosophy with clothing. If it's not tight, you should take it off! Let nudity be your fashion of choice!'

'Even with...say... Snape?'

He watched as Sirius blanches at the thought.

'There are of course always exceptions! Especially towards greasy gits like Snape... And possibly Filch... Who is also a bit greasy in his own straggly yet balding way I suppose...'

'Ah the Greasy Git Clause! How could I have forgotten!' Remus rolled his eyes in good humour.

'Well I think you look smashing!' Sirius informed him with a smile Remus was only now getting used to seeing again after so many months of...well, not seeing it. It's a combination of mischief, warmth and a delicate intensity and it boggled Remus' mind for a few seconds. 

'Hat,' he stupidly choked out when he has realised he's been staring into his friend's eyes like some kind of startled school girl (which he is in some sense). He doesn't miss the knowing grin that quickly spreads over Sirius' face before he bashfully looked away.

'I had a hat,' he went on to explain, 'But it's gone missing. I think Prongs might be wearing it. In fact I know he definitely was the last time I saw it.'

'Well he does love a good hat,' Sirius joked as Remus pulled on his neck tie, finishing off the job at hand.

'It is a bloody good hat,' Remus conceded.

'Here,' Sirius said as he briefly pulled away and picked something off his bed. It was a black bowler hat that was clearly part of his own costume. He goes back up close to Remus and placed it on the boy's head, 'You can wear this just now since you miss your own hat so terribly.'

'Thanks,' Remus breathed as Sirius' hands came to rest on his shoulders and found that he was holding his breath as the other regarded him for a moment. His whole body began to tingle as Sirius' eyes looked over his costume and subsequently his body. How was it possible that Sirius could make him feel like this with just a glance in his direction? It wasn't right. It was definitely some kind of wicked, dark magic to have such a command over someone against that person's will.

'You know if you took that jacket off,' Sirius finally spoke and Remus almost shivered at the low tone of voice he was using. He'd heard it a fair few times in the past. Both directed at him and girls Sirius had targeted for seduction, 'You'd look like that Ticking Tangerine guy.'

Remus frowned before his mind has processed the dark haired boy's words.

'Ticking Tangerine?' he couldn’t help but smirk despite his confusion.

'Yeah, the absolutely mental bloke from that film. The one who likes milk.'

Remus’ body convulsed in laughter when it dawned on him what he was talking about, 'Sirius you're having me on! I know you know that it's called Clockwork Orange! You wouldn't stop raving about how sick it was for two weeks after we saw that. In fact, I'm pretty sure you've even got the book.'

The smile on Sirius' face gave the game away.

'Ticking Tangerine!' Remus crowed, 'That's a good one!'

'I thought so too,' Sirius' grinned somewhat triumphantly and as a result Remus gets the same tingly feeling he had only moments ago.

'Oh for Merlin's sake Padfoot!' Came the shouting of James, announcing his arrival in the dorm, 'You're still not ready! You're worse than a girl!'

'Nice hat!' Sirius replied and ignored the slight made against his manhood.

'Bloody fantastic isn't it!' James agreed enthusiastically.

'Funny,' Remus begun dryly, 'I don't remember Captain Kirk wearing a hat like that...'

'He would if he'd been to some kind of planet overruled by the navy!' their bespectacled friend reasoned, 'Plus I think it looks spiffing with the yellow of my top.'

'And now you're a fashionista,' Remus rolled his eyes, 'I'm sure the catwalks in Paris and Milan are despairing at the thought.'

'Anyway,' James choose to ignore the grumbling of Remus, 'You pair of poofs are about to miss the start of the feast!'

Despite knowing James meant nothing cruel by it Remus couldn’t help but squirm a little by the remark. He knew that this was his version of acceptance. If he weren't so offensive about it Remus would have been worried. After all, causing offence had always been how the Marauders had shown affection towards one another so nothing had really changed there. What had changed, however, was his inclusion of Sirius with the insult. Like it was a bonafide accepted thing now by both James and Sirius. 

'And be warned, Pete only had one helping at lunch this afternoon so the odds are he'll be going for some kind of record this year.'

'Shit!' Sirius cursed and grabbed for his waistcoat and coattails, 'He managed into his fifth helping at Christmas. We're fucked if he's already started!'

'Exactly,' James nodded gravely, 'So hurry men! Or else tonight we starve!'

***

Sirius couldn't help himself. He really couldn't. He always suspected he was a glutton for punishment, deep down. Here he was at his last ever Hogwarts Halloween Ball and here he was sitting all alone. Once upon a time Sirius would have surrounded himself with lots of girls at these kind of events - he’d have surrounded himself with a group of people to show off in front of – but he didn’t feel the need to now. Not because he had declared girls off limits or the fact that he was no longer considered one of the lads by most of the Hogwart’s boys. He felt more at peace with himself to be able to do it. He didn’t need a crowd to hide amongst anymore. He knew who he was and so did everyone else and it was strangely liberating. He was Sirius Black and he now didn’t give a fuck about what anyone else thought about him; well except James, Pete and Remus… and strangely Lily now. They were the only ones who mattered to him in this castle and thankfully, after the shit he had put them through this year, he still mattered to them. So, there he was, sitting quietly at a table in the middle of a ball. The only thing which slightly marred his contentment was the fact that he couldn’t keep his eyes off one of those people he cared for most in this world. All he could do was watch Remus as he moved from person to person around the room. Sometimes he'd stand drinking punch, laughing with some of his Ravenclaw friends from advanced Charms; other times he was being dragged to the dance floor by Lana, his ex-girlfriend who in time had grown to become very fond of him. He’d even watched him chat to Thawley, which Sirius had to admit made his chest pang a little bit in jealousy. He and Remus had come a long way since Remus had stopped seeing the other boy but in truth, their relationship was still a little tenuous. What they had was so, so delicate and Sirius was torn between preserving what they had and what they could have if one of them was only brave enough to push for it. One thing he knew for certain was that he wanted it. He wanted Remus more than he’d wanted anything in his life; more than his freedom for his over bearing parents; more than he wanted his relationship with Regulus to be that of two normal brothers; more than he wanted to be straight and normal. He had realised that this feeling – this exquisite yearning – was the most normal and natural thing in the world. It was strangely the easiest thing in the world, being in love with Remus Lupin. He didn’t need to work at it. He no longer needed to hide it. The only uneasy thing about it was the restraint he had to force upon himself on not acting on it. He was fairly certain that if he did, Remus would reciprocate in a way which would make Sirius very happy indeed, but he wasn’t so sure if Remus would be totally happy with himself. Sirius knew he still harboured doubts about pushing the boundaries with their friendship again and so Sirius had vowed to be patient. Remus would come to him if and when he was ready. Sirius just needed to wait.

-

‘I can’t believe I can do whip disarming!’ Christian Kirtley beamed with his arm wrapped around his girlfriend, Francis Ryce, ‘And its all thanks to this lad!’

‘Yup,’ his girlfriend nodded in good natured exasperation and she smiled at Remus, ‘You’ve already said and we were all there to see it!’

‘But I never thought I’d be able to ever do that!’ The sixth year Hufflepuff - who Remus assumed was dressed as a cave man, judging by the fact that he was bare chested with what looked like a fur rug wrapped around his waist – gushed, ‘If I hadn’t given that Defence Club of yours a go Lupin I’d probably have never learned it!’

‘You don’t know that,’ The werewolf masquerading as a Navy officer modestly replied.

‘I do man, I do! It’s all down to you Lupin! You’re a great teacher! I’m so grateful man!’

‘And so drunk, by the sounds of things,’ a feline looking Ryce giggled, ‘Come on, let’s leave Lupin in peace and get you some water. You can tell me how ace he is instead. See ya next week Lupin.’

‘Bye,’ the werewolf smiled warmly; if not a little bit embarrassed. It was strange being a lot more popular than he had been for the past six months. It seemed Defence Club had earned him back the respect of his fellow students. Whether or not it was because they were grateful for his help or that they now knew he was a dab hand in a duel, he wasn’t sure. He’d take it though. It was nice having people generally being pleasant to him again; not that it completely mattered to him. He knew as long as the people who mattered cared then he would be content. One thing that did bother him slightly was that his new found popularity meant that he had ended up chit chatting with a lot of students he wouldn’t have normally had at these kind of functions and that had meant that he had spent a lot less time with his own friends. He scanned the room now that he had a second to himself and eventually he spotted James. A smile instantly bloomed on the boy’s face when he noted exactly what James was doing. He was dancing with Lily Evans. Okay so they weren’t exactly dancing alone; James was dancing with her a small group of her friends, but it was something. Especially when his dancing was making the redhead laugh at him in a way which was kind and probably, on James’ part, intentional. 

Still smiling from witnessing his friend’s success, Remus continued to scan the room. He thought he could see a Merlin dressed Peter in a little group further across the room. He seemed to be in an intense conversation with the rest of the Gobstones Club so Remus decided to let him be and continued to look for the last member of the Marauders. He eventually found him, much to the werewolf’s surprise, sitting alone at one of the tables watching him back. A little thrill passed through the boy at the realisation that the other boy had probably been watching him for some time now. With a strange anticipation thrumming through the werewolf, he made his way through the crowded room to his best friend and found himself smiling like an idiot at the serene smile Sirius was wearing now that they were in one another’s company.

‘Hello Moonshine,’ the now hatless boy greeted him as he took at seat next to him.

‘Evening,’ Remus replied as nonchalantly as he could; there was something about Sirius with slicked back hair which was doing strange things to his stomach. Despite being dressed as the Little Tramp he still managed to carry off off-duty aristocrat and it thrilled Remus a little. ‘Why aren’t you gracing the dance floor with your self-proclaimed amazing moves?’

‘Just didn’t feel like it,’ the moustachioed boy shrugged.

‘Well you haven’t got long if you intend to. It’s nearly eleven and Dumbledore looks sober this year so we’re probably due to be sent back upstairs.’

‘It’s alright,’ Sirius shrugged again, this time with a content smile, ‘I’m enjoying the good company here.’

And that jolt shot through the werewolf again.

‘I saw your moves earlier,’ his friend continued with humour in his voice, ‘I thought you were going to spin Lana in to a table at one point.’

This was strange, Remus thought briefly as he considered how to reply; he wasn’t used to hearing Sirius talk about his ex-girlfriend in a way which was jovial instead of snide. 

‘I was very much in control, thank you very much,’ he settled on, ‘You’re not the only one with great dance moves.’

‘Oh, I know,’ the dark haired wizard smirked and looked at his friend side on before leaning in to whisper in his ear, ‘I remember the way you danced with Sykes last term.’

‘Yes… well… I was rather drunk at the time… and the Hogwart’s faculty weren’t supervising… and…’

‘No need to get so flustered,’ Sirius chuckled.

‘I know,’ the embarrassed boy smiled bashfully, ‘It’s just not something I would normally do. I’m usually so discreet and careful about feelings and stuff. I’m not like you and James…’

And again Sirius laughed but didn’t turn away from watching the rest of the school dancing.

‘Sorry I didn’t mean that like…’

‘It’s okay, I know what you meant,’ the Animagus reassured him and turned to face him, ‘I like that you don’t feel the need to share every thought and emotion with anyone who will listen. That way it’s kind of special when you do. It means you’re really happy when you do. It’s genuine and honest.’

‘I suppose,’ was all Remus could think to say in reply. Then frowned, ‘I think I take that from my dad. He’s not big on the whole public display of emotions; good or bad. I’m the same. I always thought it was because I have this big secret to hide but I think it’s actually just who I am.’

‘Well I like who you are,’ Sirius told him gently, ‘All your quiet bits. All your shy bits. I like them. I like all your not so shy bits too.’

‘Sirius…!’

‘It’s true! And you know it’s true!’

‘Well you do like to ruffle my feathers. I remember those little competitions you and James used to have back in first and second year to get me to lose my temper.’

‘Oh Gods, I forgot about that. We were such plonkers!’

‘No argument there,’ Remus joked, ‘Trust it to be you to finally crack me.’

‘Well that wasn’t really part of the game Moons. We were being sincere when we were telling you we knew about your furry little problem.’

‘It worked though!’

‘That it did. Plenty of other things have worked since though,’ Sirius noted and gave a weary sigh, ‘Some things which were a bit shitty on my part. That wasn’t a game either Moony, just so you know.’

Remus regarded him with a wary look.

‘Everything I’ve done. I’m sorry. I know I’ve said it a few time now but I want you to know that I mean it. Everything that happened between us not just that stuff that happened with Snape. I should have treated you better. You deserved better from me. I deserved better from me.’

‘You were confused…’

‘So were you and you weren’t a prat.’

‘I was a little…’

‘But not like I was. I was an idiot who couldn’t see a good thing when it was right in front of me.’

‘Sirius…’

‘I regret it every single day. I think you might know that already, but I think you should hear me say it out loud to you.’

‘You don’t need to…’

‘I do,’ Sirius nodded curtly and a realisation dawned on him, ‘I have so… so… many regrets and most of them involve you and I’ve been so scared of telling you that. I’ve been carrying it around with me for so long scared that if I tell you we’d be back to not being friends anymore but… but what if I never got the chance to tell you? With everything that’s been going on… with what happened with your mum; what happened to the Thawley’s parents? What if something happened to either of us and I never got the chance to be honest with you…’

‘Sirius don’t say that…’

‘You’ve got to admit how more and more likely it is… and then what? There would just be even more regrets. We’re living in a time where the next morning we wake up might be our last. We don’t know how this Voldemort guy works. We’ve been told we’re safe here but are we? We don’t know until someone tries to get in and then what?’

Sirius left the implications of his insinuation unsaid and chose to just stare at Remus. His chest was heaving in the way that Remus recognised from when his dark haired friend tried his best to calm himself down. He looked a little lost and very much frightened and before Remus knew it he was pulling the agitated boy into a hug. 

‘It’s okay Pads,’ he whispered into dark hair as he rubbed circles around the boys back in a soothing gesture, ‘We’re okay. You don't need to worry about us.’

The words were supposed to be a comfort for the other young man but Remus knew he’d said the wrong thing when Sirius began to gently push him away.

‘No they're not,’ the forlorn born informed him. Remus tried to read his expression but they were sitting far too close on the bench. Grey eyes were being hidden from him because Sirius was staring down at one of his own knees. ‘Moony how can they be when we’re constantly acting like we’re walking on glass with one another.’

Remus wanted to deny his claim but it was true. They had been and it pained Remus that their attempts at being best friends again was obviously failing.

‘I can't keep being around you keeping everything I want to say to you bottled up for fear of scaring you away. The other day in the classroom…’

'I know Pads, I'm sorry I reacted like that…’

'I'm not sorry.’ And grey eyes were back on his like a flash and something in Remus’ chest began to kickstart. They maintained eye contact for an impossibly long time. It was intense and it was thrilling and it was a little scary too and at some point during this they seemed to move closer and closer together without even realising it.

‘I just want you to know,’ Sirius whispered, his lips mere inches away from the other boy’s. Remus was certain that he could hear both their heartbeats thudding despite the din in the room from all the other students. ‘That I love you.’

Remus’ heart stuttered at the confession yet he didn’t move or say a thing; so entranced was he in the moment.

‘I’m not saying it to get some kind of reaction from you’ Sirius continued to confide quietly. ‘I don’t want you to feel like you have to say something back to it because I know I don’t deserve it even if you wanted to. I thought I’d just tell you, because that’s how I feel. And I know I’ve been a right shit in the past and treated you something rotten… It’s just that I know, that for absolute certain, that you’re going to be the absolute love of my life, whether or not I’m yours.’ Something in werewolf quivered at hearing those words and he so desperately wanted to cast away every single one of his lingering doubts about the boy. ‘And without putting any pressure on you I just want you to know also that I’d do my absolute best to work at being yours if one day you decide to let me.’

Could he? Could he really let Sirius be his again? After everything they had been through? After the mess they had made the last time? He seemed sincere about it in that moment but Remus knew Sirius. He knew how impulsive he was…

‘Please Moony…’

He also knew how loyal he really could be if he was given the chance.

‘… just say something…’

And how much capacity he had for loving others despite being deprived of it himself for most of his life.

‘…anything…’

How he was the brightest thing in Remus' life.

‘…even if it's to tell me that we’ll never be anything…’

In Remus’ whole universe.

‘Just saying something.’

‘Sirius,’ Remus began, not even bothered by the unmanly sigh it was accompanied by, ‘I…’

‘Sorry gentlemen, but that's the party over.’

Both boys were brought back to reality by the voice of their head of house. They peered at her, both dazed as if someone had switched the lights on in their own little world. Remus gazed around to find that, aside from Professor Flitwick who was standing on a chair at the banquet table eating what looked like a sausage roll, they were indeed the only students left. 

'I'm sorry to have disturbed whatever discussion you were having,’ And she genuinely did look it, ‘but there are classes tomorrow and it's double Transfiguration for the pair of you first thing.’

‘Sorry professor,’ Sirius rasped out as he slowly swung his leg from the bench and made to stand up. Remus was acutely aware that Professor McGonagall was watching them with a soft expression he had never seen her use before; it was a mixture between pity and fondness. Both young men politely bid their professor a good night and made for the door of the Great Hall.

‘Oh Mr Lupin!’ The soft Scots accent of their teacher called out to him and Remus turned as Sirius continued to walk ahead, seemingly unaware that his friend had been called upon. 

'I don’t pretend to be some kind of authority in these kind of matters but… you could do worse.’

‘Professor?’ He asked but he wasn't one hundred per cent certain if he was comfortable with his head of house acknowledging what he thought she was acknowledging. 

‘Devotion like that is hard to come by these days,’ she continued on, disregarding Remus’ attempt at playing dumb, ‘Cherish it and believe in it. I fear there's so few good things to believe in at the moment.’

Remus stared at her for a moment, still feeling a little dazed from… whatever had just happened between Sirius and himself. He let her words seep in for a few seconds until their meaning resonated with him properly. She was right. Of course she was right. Sirius was a good thing in his life and he probably should grab onto him and cherish what they had even if it frightened the life out of him to do so.


	27. Struck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A birthday trip to Hogsmeade ends in a way nobody expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thaaaaaaaaaaaanks for putting up with me. I had previously stated this would be the last chapter but I've split it so it could become more manageable. The writers block was REAL because I was trying to fit too much into the finale. So 1 more to go! Thanks for the comments and the kudos and general encouragement. Please enjoy!

'It's not a date you know,' Sirius reminded his best friend; wearily since it hadn't been the first time he had tried to clarify this point. 

'I know,' James Potter replied rather distracted as he peered in to the dormitory's mirror and tweaked strands of his messy hair. The pair were getting ready for their trip into Hogsmeade, which luckily coincided with Sirius’ eighteenth birthday. Having thrown a party the year previous for his coming of age, which had been shut down by the faculty due to the fact that it had gotten completely out of hand, the group of friends were wary about throwing another; especially when McGonagall had made it perfectly clear on several occasions that the staff were on high alert for any shenanigans this year. So, partly in order to defy expectations and partly because Sirius had had enough attention from the rest of the student body to see him through the next few months; they had decided to make his birthday celebrations low key this year with a group visit to the village. All four Marauders were going, plus one notable attendee.

'Do you?' Sirius' face creased in doubt as he sat still watching the preening boy from where he was sitting on his bed. 

'Yes,' James finally stopped to look at him through the reflection of the mirror, 'But I also realise that it's not every day that I get to spend the entire day in Miss Evan's company so I'm making sure I look my best.' 

‘Then don’t wear that jumper. You look like a right prat in it.’

James whipped around from the mirror to throw a quick retort back in defence. ‘What this one? This one that’s almost identical to one Moony almost constantly wears. Never hear you complaining about the way he looks in it.’ He turned back around to inspect his hair in the mirror once again and Sirius could see a smirk twist on his mouth, ‘Funny that.’ 

‘Get back to trying to make the most of what little looks you have,’ The unimpressed young man grumbled before pulling a black woollen jumper over his head which had been artfully (or wastefully, Remus would often comment) ripped in places to give him that punk rock aesthetic he was beginning to appreciate when he flipped through the muggle music magazines often left in the common room. 

'Speaking of which,' the bespectacled young man turned towards his friend with a smirk, 'shouldn't you be doing the same thing?'

'I don't know what you mean,' Sirius huffed out; he had tried for indignant but his heart wasn't really in it.

'Oh come on,' James grinned at him as he made his way towards Sirius' bed, 'I saw you and Moony at the ball and I've seen the looks you've been giving each another ever since. I'm guessing our old Remus has a birthday bow on a certain part of his body for the birthday boy, if you know what I mean.'

'Even the house elfs know what you mean, you dolt,' the raven haired boy droned, 'And you're so way off the mark. He's had days to come to me and he hasn't. The quaffle is in his hands.' 

'You out of everyone should know what he's like though. He'll be mulling it over and over and over again until he's got himself tangled up in knots and he can't come forward for going backwards.'

Sirius frowned at his friend. 'There were far too many analogies there for one man to process. Speak sense!'

'He likes you mate and in one way or another this is going to happen for the pair of you. I just know it is. Just have faith.'

‘Yeah, well…’ The birthday boy grumbled, not sharing his friend’s optimism.

-

He couldn't stop staring. He really couldn't. From the moment the five of them had all met up in the quad in order to make their way down to the village; he couldn't stop staring. No scratch that. Ever since the ball, Remus hadn't been able to stop staring at his friend but today? Maybe it was because Sirius was in high spirits what with it being his birthday. Maybe it was because for the first time since Remus had ever known him, Sirius was the centre of attention and wasn't lapping it up in the carelessly cocky way that he normally would. He seemed genuinely thrilled to be gathered with his friends and something about it thrilled Remus too. 

They had walked through the school grounds in the chilly November sunshine as a group; talking animatedly and laughing. Everything about the whole scenario felt right; even the inclusion of Lily, who spent most of the walk bantering with James back and forward and being kind to Peter. They had gotten to the school gates when a particularly cold breeze blasted them as if from nowhere. Sirius had taken one look at Remus grimacing against the cold before unravelling the giant red and gold scarf from around his neck and holding it out to him in offer. Remus had refused but the Animagus had rebuffed him by winding the giant chunk of wool, which smelled gloriously like Sirius, around him.

‘I'm alright,’ he had claimed before shyly adding, ‘Looks better on you anyway.’

'I sincerely doubt it,' the werewolf had replied without meaning the flirtatious way it had come out although it had been worth it to see the surprised, yet thrilled expression it had caused to form on Sirius’ handsome features.

-

‘I can’t believe Pete bailed out on me like that on my birthday!’ Sirius frowned in indignation as he scanned a shelf in the Hogsmeade branch of Flourish and Blotts. He and Remus had found themselves in there after a visit to the Three Broomsticks.

‘Im more shocked that you’ve allowed me to drag you away from the pub and into a bookstore on your birthday,’ Remus admitted before addressing the other boy’s original point. ‘Come off it, you’ve bailed on him almost every year to go pull. I don’t think you’ve got much of a leg to stand on.’

Remus awaited a snarky reply in return as he searched a shelf in the charms section for a new edition of Charms Science Quarterly which he had come to enjoy reading over the last year of his advanced studies. It wasn’t until he noted that the last edition available was from the summer, which he had already read cover to cover, when he realised Sirius wasn’t intending on a retort. He turned his head to find the raven haired young man leaning against the tall shelving unit, staring at him.

‘What?’ He asked in trepidation; the look on Sirius’ face was loaded with something he couldn’t quite decipher. He watched as he gave a slow shrug of his shoulders.

‘Its just that I didn’t bail on him on his last birthday, did I?’ He finally divulged somewhat coyly. ‘He passed out and I pulled you instead.’

Remus wasn’t sure how to proceed. He and Sirius had started to be more open with their discussions about what had happened between them but the older boy’s confession at the ball only a few nights before made him wary about how to reply. He hadn't known what to say to the other boy in return. On one hand he could see how much Sirius had changed for the better since their falling out but on the other hand he was terrified of putting what they now had in jeopardy by diving straight back into something. He chastised himself for that last thought. Hadn't he been practically mooning over the boy all afternoon? Hadn't he been thinking about what he said to him practically every second of the last four days? Hadn't he almost been certain that perhaps giving in to his feelings was the best course of action? Well, yeah, but that still didn't mean he knew how to broach it. Not wanting to ruin any sort of good humour between them on Sirius’ birthday as he fought an inner conflict with himself, Remus decided to take a new approach with it. 

‘Well he had passed out before you got off. That's something I suppose!’ He smirked at his friend and felt comforted to see Sirius mirror his jovial expression.

‘See!’ He grinned as he pushed himself away from the bookcase, ‘Personal growth, that.’ His grin was still in place as he pushed past the werewolf in the narrow passage and a bolt of desire pulsed through Remus. 

‘Do us a favour and don't get too mature in your old age,’ Remus quipped in a bid to squash it. ‘It's my job to be the mature one in our group.’

‘Oh and what's my job?’ The raven haired boy asked as he inspected the spine of one book in particular.

‘To look pretty.’ The words were out of his mouth before he even had a chance to think them through and Sirius whipped his head up immediately. 

‘You think I look pretty Moony?’ He asked and this time his expression was the epitome of seduction. Remus was powerless against it, and much like Sirius had done only moments ago, he backed himself against the bookcase and sighed.

‘You know I do.’ In for a sickle, in for a Knut, he supposed. ‘I think you’re lots of things.’

'Oh?' Sirius cocked an eyebrow. 

The werewolf simply nodded; head chaffing against the books on the shelf behind him.

‘What do you think I am?’ Sirius pressed and slowly took a step towards him. The movement was slow and deliberate, no doubt in a bid not to scare him off but there was a predatory look in the boy’s eyes and Remus kind of liked it. More than liked it.

‘I think you're clever,’ he started off.

‘Yeah?’ A step closer again and Remus nodded again.

‘I think you’re funny.’

‘Can't be serious all the time,’ the slowly approaching boy conceded in a low voice.

‘I think you’re loyal.’

‘Woof.’ Sirius replied, this time with laughter in his voice as he crept closer.

‘I think you’re one of the most caring people I've ever met.’ The auburn haired boy admitted as Sirius began to invade his personal space.

'Well I do care about you an awful lot,’ the other boy said lowly with shallow breath. ‘A crazy amount in fact.’

They were so close now; close enough to be panting in the same air.

‘I think you’re brilliant Pads.’ And this time Sirius stayed silent. Nothing but his shallow breathing could be heard as the pair were suspended in this moment. ‘And I also think that I might…’

There was a bang.

No. Not a bang. An explosion and it caused the two to propel away from one another.

‘What was that?’ A bewildered Sirius asked but Remus just pushed past him to make his way to the front of the store with a sense of dread. Something didn’t feel right; Remus could feel it at the back of his neck. It felt the same as that morning he and his father had returned home to find... He stopped short when the view from the window made it clear that his suspicions were correct.

'Fuck!' Sirius gasped as he came to stand beside him, taking in the same scene. Smoke had engulfed the entire street making it difficult to determine what its source was. 

'We need to help!’ Sirius cried alarmed and made to take off when Remus grabbed him by the shoulder.

‘No wait!’ He commanded and pulled his bewildered looking friend to turn around to face him. ‘Cast a Patronus and send it to Dumbledore. Let him know that I'm sending mine to round up the students,’ he commanded. Sirius gave a frantic nod of the head. ‘Just calm down, yeah?’ Remus advised him, hand still on shoulder, ‘you can do this, I know you can.’

The boys set to work, with Remus casting his spell first. He had instructed his Patronus to hunt the village for fellow school pupils and to inform them that they needed to get back to the school grounds. Once he was finished he turned to his friend to catch him giving his spectral wolf the last part of his instructions. 

'Now what?' Huge, fearful grey eyes turned towards him as soon as the Patronus had bounded away.

‘Follow me and stay close,’ the werewolf directed him. Remus could feel his heart hammering in his chest as he made his way towards the front door; noting that all the other patrons of the shop were stood frozen in silent fear. He turned to them then. ‘Get in the back and keep your wands drawn,’ he commanded and Sirius was more than in awe that wizards a lot more older and presumably more experienced took the advice. Soon enough it was only the two teenagers standing on the shop floor. Sirius watched as his best friend signalled for him to keep quiet before moving his hand closer to the door knob. 

It appeared to take an age for the door to be opened and when it was, Remus made sure to only open it the necessary amount to allow them to slip out into the smoke filled street.

Hogsmeade was thick with it; opaque enough conceal every detail of the Main Street from view. It was bizarre, Remus realised, that the smoke was not accompanied by its usual smell and that fact alone made the hairs on his arms raise. Something wasn't right…

In that next moment a giant gust of wind tore down the street and soon enough the smoke had cleared from the air to reveal the obvious perpetrators of the mysterious smog. There stood in the middle of the street was a herd of dark figures; their black robes billowing in the wind and their faces covered ornate masks. A frisson of fear jolted through Remus; he had seen these kind of wizards before. 

‘James!’ Remus heard being gasped from behind him and in response his eyes darted around the street. There were several clusters of people darted around the place also taking in the scene in front of them; the most notable being James and Lily who were stood a lot closer to the menacing troupe of what was clearly Death Eaters. On instinct alone Remus threw his arm out behind him to stop Sirius from darting over to their friends; recognising that now wasn’t the time for rash decisions and sudden movements. Remus’ eyes stay focused on the masked figures determined not to miss a queue from their almost unreadable demeanour. 

It seemed like the whole scene stood static for an eternity; the only movement being the gust of wind which animated billowing robes; swung store signs and blew at Lily’s red hair. Then...

A robbed figure moved to the forefront of the foreboding group as if it were emerging from the shadows of the underworld. Remus’ eyes followed the individual as a million and one defensive spells whirled through his memory in preparation for the worst, which was undeniably going to happen. It was more a question of who was going to strike first. He waited, primed to react when the robed figure stopped in front of their companions and pointed their wand back on themselves; a curious move until it was apparent that this mysterious figure no longer wanted to hide their identity in the shadows.

It was Bella Black and she looked positively gleeful to be outing herself publicly as a servant for the Dark Lord. She was grinning madly and it sickened Remus. It reminded the werewolf of the time she had kissed Sirius in the hallway outside the Slytherin dungeons. Not because he had been jealous and not because she had hexed the shit out of him not half an hour before but because he had become aware of just how dangerous this woman could be. He had felt uneasy then, he felt positively terrified now.

Once again, Remus found it necessary to throw his arm out behind himself to restrain Sirius who was provoked into a rage on sight of his relative.

‘Hello cousin,’ she sing-songed in that same way that used to irk Sirius in the hallways of their school for the past six years. Of course, Bella was no longer a student of Hogwarts and this appeared to be her grand declaration of exactly what she chosen as her post school career. ‘I see you’re cowering behind your little pet mud blood like the little faggot that you are.’

‘I don't know if I'll take that as an insult,’ the disgraced heir retorted from behind his friend. Remus could feel the rage in the exchange since Sirius was straining against him as he spoke every word, ‘Considering you lot have been swarming about the country ambushing people off guard. What's wrong, can't fight when you're opponents are prepared. Pathetic!’

The barb hadn't had the desired affect on her though because the Death Eater continued to stare at them with that manic, sinister smile which Remus was convinced was the young woman’s own version of zen. 

‘It's just so fun though,’ she said sweetly as if she were talking about a ride at a fairground or a parlour game, ‘seeing their expressions change. That moment when they realise they're done for. That they're pathetic existence isn't going to matter anymore.’

‘You're fucking bonkers.’

Just like that her sweetness was gone and her eyes blazed with fury. ‘And you're a filthy disgrace but we are what we are. Or… We will be what we will be once the Dark Lord decides who deserves to live.’

‘And you think that's noble?’ Another female voice rang out. ‘You're letting your destiny hang in the balance of a mad man? You're nothing but a slave to do what he wants, nothing more. He doesn't value you. Voldemort doesn't give a shit whether you live or die just as long as whatever happens to you benefits his rise to power in some way.’

And just like that, Bella’s loosely held composure had slipped and she channelled her rage towards Lily. ‘You will not speak the name of the Dark Lord you filthy Mudblood bitch! How dare you! The nerve!’

‘How dare you!’ Lily seethed back, ‘Coming here with your cronies so that you can target some children for a deluded man who is too afraid to get his hands dirty!’

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see James’ body tense as he stood next to the redheaded girl. It was clear what he was anticipating; who was ultimately going to be the first target of this attack and Remus was inclined to agree. In a flash, all possible scenarios flitted through his mind and he only had one feasible choice of action to take. They needed to strike before Bella and her cronies did, if only to put her off attacking Lily and James with her full attention. He had seen this girl in a fight, she held no punches and he knew that James and Lily would be no match for her. A pulse of fear jolted through him as he gripped his wand even more firmly and got ready to make his move; this was monumentally stupid but he knew that they were going to fight whether or not he struck first. He might as well try to gain the upper hand from the start. 

The fear dulled as he quickly formulated his plan and calculated all the risks; doing so in a matter of seconds. He needed to immobilise Bella; she was the one who was most likely to aim at Lily first. Memories of all the times he and his friends had immobilised fellow students, Slytherins and friends alike, flitted through his brain. Everything from full body binds to immobulus to impedimenta but then something simple came to the front of his memory. A spell he had used during the months of being bullied; one he had been put into detention for. The other spells only needed a ‘finite incantatem’ to vanish their effects but this one required actual physical help from another person to escape its binding.

With his mind made up and one last check that Sirius was still safely behind him Remus moved into action. He thrust his wand forward, aiming so that its trajectory would meet its target and quietly, yet firmly, cast, ‘paihere!’

Magic surged from him and ropes flew from his wand.

Bellatrix Black was wrapped in them. 

When her body fell to the ground all hell broke loose.

-

For a moment Sirius was confused. One moment he was glaring and snarling at his cousin and the next moment she was lying on the ground bound by ropes. For a split second he had assumed a member of the teaching staff or an Auror had stumbled across the scene and had detained the evil bitch but then he caught sight of the arm and subsequently the wand of his friend being drawn and pointed towards her. Remus had taken the first shot of the fight and it had been a good one. 

He hadn't long to consider this in much detail when hexes started to be fired in his general direction. Bella’s friends had been provoked into action by his own and he had no choice but to defend himself. It was funny, he had always thought that he would be brave in this type of situation, always imagined himself fighting Death Eaters with a defiant courage but the truth was he was absolutely petrified. He still fought hard but he was definitely terrified during the whole thing. It was one thing chasing his unarmed cousin through a field, another practicing defensive skills with classmates. This, this was real and anyone of his friends could get seriously hurt or worse. I didn't help that he was separated from James and Lily. Yes he had Remus by his side but he was desperate to be as a unit. They had always worked well as a unit and now the width of a street separated them. 

‘We need to get to James and Lily,’ Sirius called over his shoulder to his other friend as he valiantly deflected an unknown curse. It was difficult to keep track of their opponents since the robbed figures apparated from spot to spot around them. The thought had occurred to Sirius to apparate away from the scene to get away to safety but his conscience wouldn't allow him to do that. There were several other students in the street who were younger than themselves and some who were not quite as skilled. Luckily most had attended Remus’ defence classes so were in a damn sight better position to defend themselves than they had been a few months ago. Still, that didn't mean they were in a position to defend themselves. He also knew the thought of apparating away hadn't once entered Remus’ mind and Sirius was definitely not going to abandon him there either.

‘Stick close together!’ He cried back over the chaos and moved so that they were back to back. It had been a defence tactic they had discussed at the club and Sirius, through furtive glances across the street could see Lily and James had adopted the same stance. 

Curses continued to fly to and fro across the street.

Once they were huddled together Sirius threw out a quick arm to make contact with Evans. He knew she was brave, probably the bravest witch in their year, but an anxiety to reassure himself that she knew he was going to do everything in his power to protect her made him do it. He knew she would be doing the same for him. 

‘We need… to get… everyone else… out of here!’ James suggested, shouting in between every curse and deflective spell he cast. 

'How?' He could hear Lily yell.

‘I can cast shield, one big enough to give you guys time…’

Sirius couldn't believe what he was hearing. ‘Remus no!’

‘Yes! You lot can apparate to the back of the street. Take them by surprise!’

‘I won't leave you!’ the frightened boy refused.

‘You need to! I'll be fine! I can handle them!’

‘Remus…’

‘Take them by surprise, get the rest of the students out of here down the side streets and we’ll take the rest! Dumbledore should be here soon. We just need to hold out until then!’

‘No way!’

‘He’s right Pads! He’s the best to take them on. We have a better chance if the three of us go. Hit as many as we can in one go!’ 

‘James…’ He pleaded to try and make him change his mind. If two of them could reason with Moony it'd be more likely that he'd listen.

‘We can't expect the rest of the kids to defend themselves like this! Someone is going to get killed!’ Lily then reasoned and all hope of this plan not going ahead was lost to Sirius, mainly because he couldn't argue against it. He reluctantly nodded his approval as he continued to scan the street for incoming threats. 

‘After three I'll cast the spell. You need to apparate immediately to…’ Remus glanced quickly towards the end of the street, ‘outside Gladrags should do it.’

‘Everyone ready?’ James asked and Sirius wanted to scream that he wasn't but found himself declaring he was, albeit after everyone else. 

'Okay!’ Remus shouted, and out the corner of his eye the worried boy could see him tighten his grip on his wand in preparation to cast the spell. ‘One…’

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

‘Two…’

What if this was it? What if this was the last time he was ever going to see Remus? How could…? What if…? This could be…?

‘Three!’

Panic surged in him. He couldn't let Remus do this without reminding him.

‘I love you!’ Sirius cried over his shoulder just as Remus cast the shielding spell. He found himself being grabbed from the side and before he knew it he was feeling the rush of apparition. It was when he landed at the other side of the street that he knew what had happened. James had heard his declaration and had sensed the hesitation in the other boy and so had acted. Shocked by the fact that he had needed this kind of support, Sirius shot straight into action. He needed to be at his best for this; people's lives depended on it. 

He fired off spells in a quick succession; one after another aimed and hitting the dark robed targets. Judging by the many that fell without him casting a spell towards them, Lily and James were doing a pretty decent job and he began to echo the other twos demand to the younger and less talented children to run. The plan, on their part, was working well. The street was starting to become emptier of students and was becoming littered with the unconscious or bound bodies of Death Eaters. Their success allowed Sirius to pay attention was going on further up the street. He could see the orb of Remus’ protection spell but more alarmingly he could see the firestorm of green spells ricocheting off the shield.

‘Remus!’ He gasped out. There was no way he was going to be able to hold the protection up for long and when it did falter he was going to be met with more than half a dozen killing curses. The terrified young man’s feet were moving him toward the bombardment Remus was facing. 

‘Sirius, wait for us!’ 

But he didn't listen. He couldn't. He needed to get to Remus. 

Getting to him was easier said than done. The several hundred metres which stood between him and his endangered friend was littered with debris from the shop fronts which had been blasted by stray spells and every now and again Sirius would stumble over the unconscious body of a death eater. As he made his way up the street he noted that Bella was back on her feet and was zealously casting spells at the young man he loved. The look of sheer frustration on her face at the fact that her spells were not powerful enough to break through the werewolf’s magic was clear from Sirius’ position half way down the street. Somewhere in the back of his preoccupied mind he noted pride in the other boy’s ability; so much for blood purity equalling mightier magic. 

Sirius didn't have time to dwell on that musing. His imminent arrival by Remus’ side was noticed by one of the masked fighters who had been attacking Remus. The disguised figure began launching a series of curses in his direction, which slowed Sirius’ advance down the street considerably as he fought to deflect them. He put everything into every swing of his wand, spitting out deflective spells each and every time. He even managed to take out a few of his opponents either by immobilising them or disarming them of their wands. He would have whopped in pride had this occurred in the safety of the DADA classroom but out in the real world, the real battle, there was certainly no time to celebrate and dwell on a performance well done. Fear kept his arm moving, his mouth casting and his eyes searching for new oncoming danger. Later on, when he remembered back on his mission to get back to Remus he would barely be able to recall how he had managed it but manage it he did; despite the constant assault he faced from his deranged cousin and her equally demented allies. 

What he did remember was that he had had a dangerously absurd urge to throw his arms around his friend in relief but something in his head, perhaps his survival instinct screamed at him to not be so stupid and so he took his place by Remus’ side, with their backs against the wall and a stream of deadly spells coming down on the in a maelstrom of magic. 

It was after what seemed like a lifetime of counteracting the bombardment of fatal curses that Sirius was aware that his other two friends had somehow made their way down the main street of Hogsmeade. He hadn’t actually spotted them personally, but the way Bella tore her focus away from her original targets and looked gleefully down the street as if all her Christmases had come at once told him she had rediscovered her preferred target. 

Lily Evans, the muggleborn had re-entered the fight and Sirius, despite being fairly preoccupied with fending of his own attackers, could tell Bella was more than willing to give her one. Another stolen glance in her direction between deflective spells caught the sight of the proud Death Eater throwing a comment over her shoulder to one of her masked cronies and when Sirius could look back he could see the unknown figure advance towards James. The Black heir knew exactly what was going to happen. Bella had sent one of the Dark Lord’s servants to distract James so that he couldn’t give the muggle born witch a helping hand; in other words, Bella was isolating the young witch so that she could go to town with hexing her. 

Sirius had been terrified during the whole ordeal of the fight but now he was next level scared. Lily was a talented witch, there was no doubt, but she didn’t have the practice in duelling that the boys had what with their knack for starting and finishing fights with malicious intent in the corridors of school. Lily’s duelling experience had come from the controlled environment in the classroom and to lose meant a dent to her pride not injury or worse, death. 

Bella’s attack came a split second after James’ attention had been diverted to his own duelling partner and being the clever girl that she was, Lily managed to throw up a deflective charm, but it was a quick one with no real staying power. Bella was quick to throw a succession of curses with Lily sending up the same effective, if not weak, protections. Sirius tried his best to keep an eye on the situation as he battled his own foes but not long into the fight between the witches he was able to hear the mad, delighted cackle he had come to dread hearing come from his cousin, even over the sound of everyone yelling spells and magic hitting against stonework and street furnishings. He wasn’t wrong to feel nervous about the young woman’s laughter. When he was able to see what had made the witch so happy he was horrified to see that Bellatrix disarmed her sparring partner and that Lily Evans stood facing her completely defenceless. 

-

Somewhere in the recess of his logical mind, Remus could calculate that they were beginning to get the upper hand of the situation. What had started as at least over a dozen menacing figures had dwindled to at least five, what with his friends taking out several as they had advanced up the street. The fight had become fairer now; if he could call being ambushed by what was presumably older and more experienced adults fair. It got even easier when two of their opponents began focussing their attention elsewhere and it took a couple of seconds for Remus to realise the load had been lightened by the presence of James and Lily by their side, causing he and Sirius to battle three Death Eaters together. Well, that was what he had though initially but then it was apparent that Sirius was distracted by something which was happening on the other side of him, so Remus had no choice but to pick up his slack every time his attention wavered. It wasn’t until he heard the bone curdling, uproarious laughter of Bellatrix Black over the din of the battle that he had an inclining of what had happened. She was basking in the delight of getting the better over her opponent, and with a split second glance Remus could see that that opponent was Lily. In that tiny opportunity to take in his surroundings he had also noticed that everyone who could possibly help the girl was busy in trying to keep themselves alive. 

When reflecting on the situation later, Remus would realise that he never actually heard the curse the Black girl had thrown in the direction of their defenceless friend. Instead he saw her whip out her wand arm with a force that showed she was throwing all her weight behind it. He had seen Sirius’ movement too. When he remembered back it was always in slow motion. The raven haired young man essentially threw himself in the direction of the red head with his wand arm stretched out in the direction of danger. He had been partway into casting a shield charm when the force of the manic young woman’s spell had hit him on the shoulder, causing him to slump down onto the main street of Hogsmeade village and hit his head with a sickening thump against the cold, hard pavement.


End file.
